KIRK: Hey, man. You up?
KIRK: Yeah, but are you up?
KIRK: Great. So can I borrow some rubbers?
ME: (opening door) Okay, look, you were here last night.
ME: When he ate that sandwich from Subway.
ME: And when he started vomiting two hours later.
ME: And it turned out he had a mild case of food poisoning.
KIRK: Are you going somewhere with this?
ME: My point is you are aware he’s been up all night, sick as a dog.
KIRK: Actually, that’s an observation. You haven’t made a point yet.
ME: All right – if you knew he was sick, why would you knock on his door at ten o’clock in the morning asking for condoms?
KIRK: Because I don’t want to get AIDS.
ME: No, that answers “why do you want to use a condom?” There are other places you can get condoms at ten o’clock in the morning, you know.
KIRK: Awesome. What brand do you use? I like Trojans.
ME: I was actually talking about the drugstore.
KIRK: I dunno, man. That comes suspiciously close to paying for sex.
ME: …just go to the drugstore, Kirk.
KIRK: Oh, all right. Hey, what’s that smell, by the way?
ME: I believe that would be vomit.