A: Look, I’m telling you, they’re not bears. This should be the end of the conversation.
B: The Care Bear Cousins count as bears.
A: No, they don’t! Brave Heart Lion isn’t a bear! He’s a lion! You know why? Because he’s a fucking lion, that’s why! Brave Heart is a lion and Bright Heart is a raccoon and Fat Heart is an elephant. Now what do all of these things have in common? Oh, right, they’re not bears!
B: Look, they do the Care Bear Stare. They are honorary Care Bears. Maybe not by species, but –
A: Ah ha, but they don’t do the Care Bear Stare. They do a “call.” Only bears can Stare.
B: Cats stare.
A: We’re talking about cartoons, man. Don’t bring real life into it. Besides, I meant “Stare” with a capital S.
B: Need I remind you of the second Care Bears movie? The one where the fat motherly Care Bear and the unicorn – Super Heart or whatever – quite clearly took care of the baby Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins? It is obvious that the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins are all sprung from the unholy union of bear and unicorn.
A: So you’re suggesting that the Care Bear Cousins are the result of interspecies breeding?
B: That’s why they’re all plushy.
A: That’s horrible.
B: Well, when you get right down to it, the idea of magical bears embodying emotions isn’t great either. Where are the evil Care Bears?
A: There’s Grumpy Bear.
B: Grumpy Bear is good-natured down deep. I mean an actual evil Care Bear. Nastiness Bear, Anger Bear, Hatred Bear, Racism Bear. That sort of thing.
A: Bad Heart Mongoose? Greedy Heart Ostrich? Brutal Heart Hippopatamus?
B: Wow, evil Care Bear Cousin names sound like the titles of David Lynch films.