FLAPJACKS: So guess what I saw today?
ME: I am fairly sure I don’t want to guess.
FLAPJACKS: Aw, come on.
ME: The new Bond flick?
ME: Watchmen six months early?
FLAPJACKS: if that was the case, why would I spend valuable lording-it-over-you time making you guess?
FLAPJACKS: Other than porn.
ME: Then I have no idea.
ME: I thought you said it wasn’t porn.
FLAPJACKS: Google it.
ME: Oh god. I remember this. I think one of my roommates rented it.
FLAPJACKS: Not me, though.
ME: No, no, not you.
FLAPJACKS: But it’s fantastic.
ME: It’s dogshit.
FLAPJACKS: It’s fantastic dogshit.
ME: Now you’re just talking crazy talk.
FLAPJACKS: No, seriously! There’s an entire franchise here, just waiting to be born!
ME: It made less than fifteen million dollars at the box office.
FLAPJACKS: But every person who paid money to see it in theatres is a loyal Tomcatteer, just waiting to spend money.
ME: Wait, can you even nickname them? Doesn’t the community have to self-nickname itself?
FLAPJACKS: I’m leading the charge.
ME: To profit off of them.
FLAPJACKS: I didn’t make the world. I only try to exploit it.
ME: You realize that Tomcats made, like, half the box office that Serenity did.
ME: And that Firefly fans are such a most deranged group of loyal freaks they make the Klan look like a bunch of part-time hobbyists.
FLAPJACKS: Irrelevant. Tomcat Power will leave such manias in the dust.
ME: Fandom for a movie that is seven years old and flopped at the box office is going to do this.
FLAPJACKS: Do not underestimate the strange powers of Jake Busey.
ME: Okay. I do not believe your premise in any way and in fact strongly believe that you have gone insane.
ME: However, I am intrigued, despite myself, and wish to hear your plans for the franchise.
FLAPJACKS: I have some ideas here. Take a look.
ME: This appears to be a hand-drawn poster you did in crayon for Tomcats 2: Tomcats In Space.
ME: You think this will work, do you?
FLAPJACKS: Filmmakers have exhausted bodily-fluid gags as we know them. Hell, we saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno and when one guy gets shit on his face, the audience did not so much as elicit a pained “oooooh” of titillated amusement.
ME: So your plan is –
FLAPJACKS: – to do all those same gags over again, but this time in zero gravity! Audiences will flock to see Jerry O’Connell drinking pee in orbit!
FLAPJACKS: See, it is outer space, so the pee will take the form of a sphere.
ME: Unfortunately, I understood that perfectly.
FLAPJACKS: It will be like magic, and reignite the careers of all involved.
ME: Even Shannon Elizabeth?
FLAPJACKS: Outer space semen whore Shannon Elizabeth.
ME: And if Tomcats 2: Tomcats In Space is a success, what then?
FLAPJACKS: Tomcats 3: High Seas Tomcats.
ME: To be followed by Tomcats 4: Tomcats Go To Africa.
FLAPJACKS: Tomcats 5: President Tomcat.
ME: Tomcats 6: Back In Time, Tomcats.
FLAPJACKS: Tomcats 7: Trial Of The Tomcats.
ME: Tomcats 8… I’m out of ideas.
FLAPJACKS: Well, see, that’s where we loop it all around. By that time Shannon Elizabeth will be, like, forty or something.
ME: Uh huh.
FLAPJACKS: So we will get a new cast that we don’t have to pay a lot of money, and make Tomcats: The Early Years.
FLAPJACKS: And then we kickstart things all over again with Tomcats: The Next Generation.
ME: Couldn’t you instead reboot the franchise? Find new actors to re-envision the roles of… whoever Gary Busey and Jerry O’Connell were?
FLAPJACKS: See, this is why you need to be on board.
ME: I need to be on board.
FLAPJACKS: Well, who else am I going to get to write these movies?
(There is a lengthy silence.)
FLAPJACKS: Come on, man! It’s your big break! Seize the day!
FLAPJACKS: You’re going to beat me savagely now, aren’t you.