FLAPJACKS: I downloaded the Star Trek trailer! Let’s watch it!
ME: But I already saw it.
FLAPJACKS: You can’t watch it again? Come on.
ME: Oh, all right.
FLAPJACKS: So we start out with Young James Kirk driving across the desert in a classic Chevy.
ME: How do you know it’s a Chevy?
FLAPJACKS: I don’t. Maybe it’s a Ford.
ME: We’re not car guys.
FLAPJACKS: No, we aren’t.
ME: But it’s probably worth a lot of money in the year 23-whatever. It could be a Geo and it would be worth millions.
FLAPJACKS: So you’re saying young James Kirk is driving a million-dollar collectible off a cliff for kicks?
FLAPJACKS: That’s cool.
ME: That’s retarded.
FLAPJACKS: But in a cool way.
ME: It really isn’t.
FLAPJACKS: He’s going to smash a priceless piece of history for no better reason than because he can? That’s totally punk, man.
ME: You don’t know that he doesn’t have a reason, though.
FLAPJACKS: This is true.
ME: Hey, look! Deadshot’s a cop now!
FLAPJACKS: Floyd Lawton is going to shoot Young Kirk!
ME: How will Young Kirk escape his deadly aim?
FLAPJACKS: By flash-forwarding!
ME: Now Less Young Kirk has a motorcycle, I see.
FLAPJACKS: Boy, I can’t wait to see him crash THAT off a cliff!
ME: Aw, he’s looking up at the unfinished Enterprise.
FLAPJACKS: Probably planning to have sex with it.
FLAPJACKS: This is James Kirk we’re talking about here.
ME: Baby Spock!
FLAPJACKS: Teen Spock!
FLAPJACKS: Teen Spock will not be judged by your Vulcan courts!
ME: How do Vulcan teenagers rebel against their parents, anyway?
FLAPJACKS: Maybe they do math with irrational numbers. Up high!
ME: You do not get a high five for that joke.
ME: Old Spock!
FLAPJACKS: You want Spock? We give you Spock! What kinda Spock you want?
ME: Okay, the transporter looks hella cool.
FLAPJACKS: It would not be a new iteration of Star Trek without a new transporter special effect.
ME: What happens when they run out of new transporter special effects?
FLAPJACKS: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY WHORE MOUTH!
ME: And we’re in a hangar filled with people wearing red.
FLAPJACKS: Does the hangar blow up?
ME: Don’t be silly. They wouldn’t deprive us of all those individual death scenes.
FLAPJACKS: Montage! The Enterprise! Fighting stuff! In space!
ME: The inside of the Enterprise looks like an iPod.
FLAPJACKS: J.J. Williams is warning us all about the future!
FLAPJACKS: All I’m saying is that the phasers have clickwheels.
ME: NO, KIRK AND SPOCK! DO NOT FIGHT EACH OTHER! YOU ARE FRIENDS!
FLAPJACKS: Maybe Spock is in pon farr and he feels the need to defend his territory and then mate with Uhura.
ME: Maybe J.J. Abrams couldn’t find a way to fill up part of the script and he took an old episode of Lost and renamed Jack and Sawyer.
FLAPJACKS: I like my theory better.
ME: Are those people skydiving or are they using jetpacks?
FLAPJACKS: If they’re using jetpacks then this is the best movie ever and all the nerds complaining that the Enterprise isn’t exactly the right shape or whatever can fuck off. Star Trek with jetpacks is Even Better Star Trek.
ME: Well, I – no, I have to agree with you one hundred percent about that.
FLAPJACKS: That’s because I’m not wrong about jetpacks.
ME: Hey, the emergency siren!
FLAPJACKS: Oh, the Enterprise emergency siren! How I’ve missed you! And the doors that go “wsssssh.”
ME: Hey, that’s Bruce Greenwood!
FLAPJACKS: I understand he is playing Captain Pike before Pike ended up in a box that spoke through a little red light.
ME: Kirk with his shirt off!
FLAPJACKS: Uhura with her shirt off!
ME: Scotty – thankfully with his shirt on.
FLAPJACKS: You can tell they think Simon Pegg is a draw because he gets to say something.
ME: You know what would make this movie better? If Scotty fought zom – actually, no, it wouldn’t, never mind.
FLAPJACKS: Caught yourself just in the nick of time there.
ME: John Cho as Sulu, having a sword-fight in a spacesuit!
FLAPJACKS: Didn’t a girl you dated once say she wanted to bone John Cho?
ME: She also wanted to bone Kal Penn.
FLAPJACKS: So she wanted to do both Harold and Kumar?
FLAPJACKS: Did she ever talk about wanting to be the filling in their sandwich?
ME: Why do you care?
FLAPJACKS: Why wouldn’t I?
ME: Karl Urban IS Leonard McCoy, and he’s intense!
FLAPJACKS: Is McCoy intense?
ME: He is when he is Karl Urban. Karl Urban can stare through metal until it melts.
FLAPJACKS: I bet that comes in handy in surgery.
ME: Montage! Kirk hanging off the edge of a cliff!
FLAPJACKS: A weird-looking monster thing!
ME: Kirk saying “buckle up!”
FLAPJACKS: And not the unmentioned “your pants after I gave you a good rogering.”
ME: Uh huh.
FLAPJACKS: Because he had sex with that person, you see.
ME: No, no, I got it.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure?
ME: Spock strangling Kirk, Uhura just standing there –
FLAPJACKS: May I just say that Uhura just standing there, ineffectually, really captures the essence of Uhura.
ME: That’s mean.
FLAPJACKS: But not inaccurate.
ME: She did love Tribbles.
ME: And she distracted the enemy with a sexy dance in Star Trek V.
FLAPJACKS: I was trying to forget about that entirely.
FLAPJACKS: You should be.
ME: Space-warpy thing, ship being blown up, Kirk fucking some girl…
FLAPJACKS: See? See? Kirk will fuck anything that moves!
ME: Yes, I got it.
FLAPJACKS: And we close with Erik Bana as a Romulan with a Swedish accent.
ME: Holy shit, you’re right, he does have a Swedish accent there.
FLAPJACKS: “Und zeen ve-a teke-a zee vurmy-hule-a tu zee pest, und ve-a cunker hoomuneety. Bork bork bork!”
ME: And… logo.
FLAPJACKS: So what do we think?
ME: Takes liberties with the source material?
FLAPJACKS: Is this an issue?
ME: …no, I do have sex every once in a while, so I have better things to care desperately about. You?
FLAPJACKS: Wait, you have sex?
ME: Shut up. You?
FLAPJACKS: I’m going to go line up at the theatre right now. I figure if I get in before the rush I can get oodles of free stuff from people willing to sponsor my lonely vigil.
FLAPJACKS: Stupid people, and the people who sell things to stupid people.