I have been inspired by many gift guides seen all over the net. I was particularly impressed by Newsarama’s gift guide, which explained to people that comic fans should get their friends copies of Iron Man, because that was a comic book movie people might have heard of, and The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, because your friends might actually forget for five seconds that you love comic books if you don’t give them a comic-themed gift every single time. (Alternately, the gift guide might have been targeted for what comic book fans would like, and I sure am glad they reminded me that The Dark Knight is out on DVD or I might have forgotten!)
But just about every site has a gift guide, be it CNet reminding you that GPS direction thingies are available and practical for all those people who have forgotten how to read a map or AOL’s TV column making sure you don’t forget that this year, you can buy the entirety of The Cosby Show in one box set. These gift guides are practical and eminently helpful. But what do you get for the person with more specific interests?
Thus, mightygodking.com is pleased to present The Holiday Gift Guide For The Rest Of Us 2008. The only gift guide that answers the more difficult questions in giftgiving.
The Firefly Fan That You Think Desperately Needs To Move On Already
A nice black or grey trenchcoat. Of course, they will complain that the coat isn’t brown, but be sure to have a supposedly neutral party handy (preferably of the person’s preferred gender for sexin’ – assuming they are into that, anyway) to ooh and ahh over how good they look in the non-brown coat. That should work. If they say something like “Mal never wore nothin’ like this,” hit them in the face. But in a nice way.
Garth Brooks In Space. This shortlived (seven episodes) science fiction series aired in 1996 on The Nashville Network, starring country legend Brooks as a “space trucker,” bringing hope and friendship wherever he travels. Every episode features two musical performances – one by Brooks and one by a “special guest star,” usually a country music legend. (The show’s theme song, “Milky Ways And Yesterdays,” was a minor hit.) By episode six – where the “special guest star” is Chris Gaines, Brooks’ “hard rocker” alter ego – your friend will never, ever want to watch a “western in space” ever, ever again.
An egg ring. Who doesn’t like Egg McMuffins? But wouldn’t it be better if you could make your own? An egg ring is the ticket. Tell him Jayne likes his eggs that way or something.
Your Younger Sister, Who Wants To Be An Actress
Old VHS tapes of Mr. Belvedere. The timeless charm of the late Christopher Hewitt will lull her into complacency, and when she finishes the tapes (sadly, no DVDs of Belvedere exist, despite many a letter-writing campaign), she will no doubt investigate what happened to its young stars, at which point she will discover that Tracy Wells was hit by a truck, Rob Stone was stabbed to death in an alley by a hobo, and Brice Beckham grew a really ugly goatee. The horror should snap her out of her dreams and off to trade school to become a plumber.
Tickets to Lark Voorhies’ one-woman show, “Turtling.” Ms. Voorhies sings, dances, and tells stories from her storied career – from being on Saved By The Bell to that one time she appeared on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine to the time she re-enacted the role of her character on Saved By The Bell on Robot Chicken. If her five-minute graphic description of Dustin Diamond’s sore-encrusted penis does not turn your younger sister’s attitudes towards a different profession, nothing will.
An egg ring. Make her more aware of her limitations regarding future employment with the gift of an egg ring! Just like the egg rings they use professionally!
Alcohol. Gin is acceptable, whiskey sublime. But nothing girly. Warren Ellis does not drink girly drinks. He drinks man drinks. Because he is a man. A man. He has manly parts. He. Is. Made. Of. Man. Parts.
A dog. Secretly, Warren Ellis has always wanted a dog. A fluffy dog, that romps and scamps and humps. He would call the dog Sparky, for reasons his entirely his own. It is probably better left unsaid what he would do with the dog once he has it.
An egg ring. Eggs are the demon seeds of the universe, a code against human immortality that can be scrambled and fried. However, egg rings can also be used to make miniature pancakes. You had better believe Warren Ellis loves himself some miniature pancakes, lightly dusted with sugar and lemon juice. They remind him of his grandmother. The one who died, not the other one. (Who also died.)
The Person Who Is Obsessed With Jason Statham, So Much So That You Suspect He May Be Gay And In Denial
Props from In The Name of the King. All of the fly-by-nighters and regular people have already snagged all the cool stuff from Snatch and the Transporter movies, but this 2007 Uwe Boll one-day-to-be-a-classic still has tons of props for sale over the Internet. Plus, they are all swords and armor and stuff, and your friend will no doubt enjoy that.
Jason Statham’s home address. Not as difficult as you might think. He is English, after all, and they’re awfully casual about these things. As a matter of fact, we happen to know that this is conveniently available to you. Go to your local Starbucks – the one on the corner, not the one in that strip mall – and ask for “Terry.” Bring five thousand dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills. Are you a cop? You have to say if you’re a cop. No offense, we just have to ask.
The “Streetwise” 1000kV stun gun. Jason Statham is a big guy and he could probably kick your friend’s ass. You’ll want your friend to be prepared, right?
An egg ring. Jason Statham likes Egg McMuffins, and your friend won’t be able to leave the apartment for too long, preoccupied as he will be staring at Statham’s rock-hard abdominals and chatting about how they “could be really great friends,” so clearly the solution is for your friend to make him home-made Egg McMuffins, which will also be tastier and much healthier for Jason Statham while he is in those restraints.
Your Friend Who Really, Really, Really Likes Knitting
Steel wool. She is no doubt in search of a challenge, having knit garments from every possible knittable substance there is. But has she knit from steel wool? Steel-wool knit jackets can, in a pinch, serve as quality short-term replacements for Kevlar if knit tightly enough. Also, if set afire, it can be the deadliest garment of all!
Model For a Day. This model will come over to your friend’s house and pose in handmade knitted garments for hours and hours, lending the knit clothing the temporary appearance of stylishness. For one precious day, your friend’s knitwork will not look like a pile of heavy winter socks thrown into a blender and sewn back together, but instead will appear to be the work of some brilliant designer! Or at least Stella McCartney or something, we dunno.
An egg ring. She can knit a cozy for it!