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I so want to read “Worf vs The Pretty Flowers” right now. Dammit!

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I think Collectible Plate is my favorite.

(And I had NO IDEA that Laurell K Hamilton wrote a TNG book. Unless you put that in there, MGK?)

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Sadly I think I read some of those.

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[…] it’s Star Trek novels.  And it is awesome. Here’s a sample, a pardoy of a Next Generation book I actually […]

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GameRelatedSig said on February 23rd, 2009 at 10:29 am

“Picard and Troi do peyote” I would buy based on the cover alone, whatever it happened to be called.

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Phasers v. Raptors should be the next film.

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Mad Scientist said on February 23rd, 2009 at 11:02 am

Nope, Bitsy, she really did.

http://www.amazon.com/Nightshade-Star-Trek-Next-Generation/dp/067179566X

I think Flapjacks pressed the issue here, however. These ones just seem…forced.

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Wait.

An “Unauthorized Star Wars Crossover”? How is it that this isn’t more … public?

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Are all the other novels that don’t say Peter David actually pseudonyms for Peter David, cause Melinda Snodgrass is not someone’s real name.

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Sage Freehaven said on February 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am

I think we should all thank Flapjacks for this.

Also, LOL’d hard at the Furhura titles and the Back to the Future reference.

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Do not run away from the ice bear. Use your Doritos.

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HitTheTargets said on February 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am

I don’t know… it looks more like an unauthorized Dune crossover to me. Although I do look forward to your photoshopperiffic look at the Expanded Universe.

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Even more depressing: I have read almost all of these.

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I actually own the John Ford one. Its..odd. Very odd…

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I know Peter David has released at least one novel as Daffid ab Hugh (or something to that effect) I’m not sure about others he may have used.

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“Are all the other novels that don’t say Peter David actually pseudonyms for Peter David, cause Melinda Snodgrass is not someone’s real name.”

I’m fairly certain she actually worked on the show – unless that was Peter David in disguise as well.

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Are you just including Flapjacks into completely unrelated blogposts because of his popularity?

…Good hustle.

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Actually, Dafydd ab Hugh is a real, award-winning author: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dafydd_ab_Hugh.

He’s far better than PAD.

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Ryan Beariot said on February 23rd, 2009 at 12:58 pm

when does the star wars novels one show up? cause dammit, i wanna see those.

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Wait, is somebody saying that Dafydd ab Hugh is a better writer than Peter David? Crazier. I can see crazier. But better? Really now?

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Exactly, MGK.

Also, that looks to me like a giant ice wolfbear, not a regular giant ice bear.

Furhura = hilarious, as does the rest of the non Kirk/Spock original covers. But no Scotty? Why ya gotta hate on Scotty?

I think Ghost in the McCoy had me laughing the hardest

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If I’m not mistaken, Peter David used to write under the pseudonym of David Peters.

If only there were some website that contained a collective of public knowledge, encyclopediac in its depth, where I could double-check this…:)

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I lived in Mountain View, CA, for a few months when I was thirteen years old. Given that (a) it was the mid-nineties, and (b) it was Silicon Valley, our local used bookstore had most of these books.

Needless to say, I read all but one of the TNG books (the Darth Vader one eludes me), and should still have all of them on my bookshelf at my parents’ house.

I also wrote a ten-page novel study on “A Rock and A Hard Place” (the ice bear one). Only on my third re-read did I realize how terrible the book was. I didn’t get a very good grade.

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JonQuixote said on February 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Kirk-on-Kirk
because someone there doesn’t know how mirrors work.

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I only read a few of these, but I want to jump in to plug the John M. Ford one, How Much For Just The Planet? It’s the best expanded-universe material by a mile, partially because Ford is good, partially because it doesn’t take itself so fucking seriously. It’s Star Trek musical comedy, but still faithful to the canon. It will make you laugh and you should read it. Also there is a Neil Gaiman cameo.

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MGK: Agreed on Dafydd ab Hugh versus Peter David. I’ve only read a couple books by Hugh, but I recognize the name because I remember thinking they sucked hardcore. David I always liked, for someone who predominantly does franchised novels, he’s pretty good.

And it’s scary how many of these I’ve read. Thank you public library system…

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[…] photoshops again… This time, only Star Trek novels! I think I finally understand why the Thrawn trilogy covers are so awful… Someone was looking […]

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I always liked PAD.

As for the covers, I owned like 4 of these novels at one point. >

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piranhtachew said on February 23rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Dude, The Stig! Awesome!

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So, about the Laurell K. Hamilton one. Does it have what we’d expect from her if we’ve read Anita Blake?

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These are pretty funny, dude. Though I have to say, through no fault of your own, they’re not as funny as previous efforts. There’s very little imagination to these covers, it’s always pictures of Picard and one or another Enterprise crew member looking somber. I wish the old books had more imaginative covers. I know I’m getting Captain Picard with my book. But monsters? The farting sluggoth? That might make me actually shell out the five bucks.

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Mad Scientist said on February 23rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm

@ Andrew: Nope. It was pretty much the first thing she’d ever had published, and while there are good hints about her writing in certain things (how Troi senses emotions, etc), it’s a pretty stock Trek novel apart from that.

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There is no way that Mentochickenman could possibly be as awesome as that cover.

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Laughed at “Commemorative Plate” and the Back to the Future reference.

My Spock, My Pimp: That is one foxy, Maggie-Siff-looking Vulcan.

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This just doesn’t rise to the level of its sister posts.

I think you should have kept the best of the Star Trek ones and done a bunch more for other licensed novels.

Yes, that’s it — dance for my amusement, web-boy!

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[…] to laugh at these Star Trek book covers with new titles. Probably better than most of the […]

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Dang it – I loved, loved, “Uhura’s Song” growing up… but haven’t been able to bring myself to re-read it since grade-school since I’m sure it’s now going to disappoint. Yet it sits there on my shelf, taunting me to open it’s battered cover just to see… just read a page.

And now I have to overcome horrific furry associations I had never before made (despite the unusual amount of descriptive text on how prehensile the cat-people’s tails were)? Cruel, good sir. Cruel.

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malakim2099 said on February 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 pm

I must admit to having read a fair number of these when I was a kid… and I still like Phasers v. Raptors damnit. :)

Although, on the one cover, since when did Uhura start wearing pants. YOU ARE IN TOO MUCH UNIFORM MISSY!

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I don’t get the Furhura bit.

And Chekov did too matter. He had to go back in time and say “Nucular Wessels”

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Heh. Read The One Time Chekov Mattered not too long ago and enjoyed it.

Libraries are fun.

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Four Authors.. Best one.

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Regarding the PAD vs. Daffyd ab Hugh business…in one of Hugh’s Trek novels he swore in an “about the author” note that he was not Peter David, apparently being under the assumption that such confusion was inevitable. I seem to remember him reusing some of the stuff from PAD’s novels, but then who didn’t?

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Back To The Future reference FTW.

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[…] good news hat tip to Craig McGill, more novel covers at Mighty God King). Share This […]

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jonnywarlock said on February 24th, 2009 at 5:51 am

I really like the ones with the overly long titles (Ice bear? Ice bear! Holy crap, man!).

And who knew Spock played WOW?

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Sweetie Dahling said on February 24th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Collectible Plate! Sweet. But why is Troy on, like, nineteen of these covers? I think she even snuck into the non-TNG storylines!
I’d still do bad, bad things to Picard.

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[…] about now seems like a good time to reference the Slow Listening Movement as […]

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Jayunderscorezero said on February 24th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Forget Laurel K. Hamilton, Greg Bear wrote a Star Trek novel?!

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sgt pepper said on February 24th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

I like how you photoshopped Peter David’s name on some of those, as if he’d ever write that shit. Be prepared for him to appear on your comments pages and piss and moan about it.

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Llelldorin said on February 24th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

I have to second the recommendation above of How much for just the planet? It’s really astonishing how well “being very silly” helps.

The Kobayashi Mari was good too, come to think of it.

I’d have to agree that these weren’t quite as brilliant as the other ones, but I suspect that’s partially a function of the source material. The world of vaguely superior fanfic is a pretty blah place, even for the nerdliest amongst us.

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Llelldorin said on February 24th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Out, out, damned typo. Maru!!!!!

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Laughed till I cried, several times, Awe-some.

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@Queen Anthai
In addition to the obvious public encyclopedic reference, the Library of Congress can also be a good place to find pseudonyms, though it’s usually not *quite* as exhaustive.
http://authorities.loc.gov/

(PAD is in there as “David, Peter (Peter Allan)” and “Peters, David, 1956-“)

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RandomChance said on February 25th, 2009 at 10:34 pm

I’ll chime in with a third on How Much for Just the Planet. Very fun, very funny. I’ve read a bunch of these, and I think this one is pretty the only one I still have and reread every once in a while.

Also, Ice bear and Another Fucking Dyson Sphere for the win.

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HI-frakkin’-larious. And the ‘shops look so realistic, it took me a second or two to realize they WERE ‘shops.

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Maybe it’s just that I got into the Star Trek thing late (TNG was already in repeats and I didn’t watch much of the franchise after that) or that I just wasn’t “that” kind of geek, but these don’t seem very funny to me.
You had me busting up snort-laughing and choking down giggles in the middle of a silent library with the other ones. Do more of those! I’m sure there’s more crappy sci-fi/fantasy out there!

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[…] Posted in Uncategorized tagged link, silly at 10:40 pm by vrtrakowski If ever you read a Star Trek novel, you must look at this. […]

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“Another Fucking Dyson Sphere” — I would actually read that book.

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I’ll be the fourth giving thumbs up for “How Much for Just the Planet?” — it’s hilarious. Though I don’t think I caught the Neil Gaiman cameo before… this means I have to re-read it!

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[…] At the risk of sounding like a Trekkie (but seriously — what blogger would not post this?), MightyGodKing’s latest Photoshop Marathon tackles the insane metric f—load of licensed Star Trek novels. […]

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Starjelly said on March 23rd, 2009 at 4:35 pm

These are so funny!
What’s really scary is the fact that I own all of the Next Generation books and I’ve read most of the other ones too.

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[…] remains only one true realm of nerd-bookery left to you." Commenta 23rd February , 2009 This realm of […]

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I’m ashamed to say I was about halfway through this list before I realised they were parodies…it’s early, ok? And I have a fever.

It was ‘My Spock, My Pimp’ that gave it away, but my favourite is ‘Kirk-on-Kirk’. Slash!novel.

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For the record, Peter David and Daffyd ab Hugh are two different people, both of whom I’ve met in the flesh.

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For the other record, the only time Peter David wrote under a pseudonym was when he was asked to come up with a “house name” for two series (Photon and Psi-Man) that the publisher planned to use multiple authors for. David pointed out that it was unlikely more books would follow his, but they insisted on a house name for the series. So he published it under “David Peters”. Because he wanted his contempt for the idea to be obvious.

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The attack of the Quart
z could also be called “Do you want fries with that?”

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