FLAPJACKS: I have settled upon a new career!
ME: What, did you get fired from the bookstore?
FLAPJACKS: Oh, whatever. The bookstore was so 2007.
ME: So yes.
FLAPJACKS: I will have you know there was a definite fistfight over my prospective career options.
ME: A fistfight.
FLAPJACKS: Well, metaphorically there was a fistfight.
ME: So what you’re saying is that there was not so much a fistfight as there was not a fistfight.
FLAPJACKS: We could quibble over semantics all day long. But do you want to hear about my new job?
ME: Shepherd?
FLAPJACKS: No.
ME: Sandwich maker?
FLAPJACKS: No.
ME: Hobo?
FLAPJACKS: That’s not even a job.
ME: By your standards it is.
FLAPJACKS: Whatever. I am going to be one of those guys who makes up the “hot or not” lists!
ME: What?
FLAPJACKS: You know! Like, you open up your copy of Us Weekly or whatever, and inside there is a list and it is all “HOT: Lindsay Lohan in rehab” and “NOT: Amy Winehouse in rehab,” or “HOT: hybrid cars” and “NOT: hybrid plants.”
ME: I don’t read Us Weekly.
FLAPJACKS: That actually works out well for you, because they are NOT.
ME: Oh.
FLAPJACKS: I have my first list here. Want to see?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: Here you go!
ME: If you stop shoving it at my face I’ll read it.
FLAPJACKS: That’s what she said!
ME: …that doesn’t even work.
FLAPJACKS: That’s what she said!
ME: I think there’s a mistake here.
FLAPJACKS: Where?
ME: Under “hot,” your first entry is just an “H.”
FLAPJACKS: That’s not a mistake. The letter H is hot.
ME: That doesn’t make any sense.
FLAPJACKS: Without the letter H, there would be no hot. Everything would just be “ot.”
ME: Does that mean that the letter N is “not?”
FLAPJACKS: The letter N is not hot, but neither is it not. Despite its unfortunate association with notness, one has to respect the letter N for boldly going its own way. Like John Waters.
ME: What does that make O and T?
FLAPJACKS: Sheep. Or maybe the third Simpson sister.
ME: Already I think you are taking this concept to a new, disturbing place.
FLAPJACKS: That was the idea!
ME: Why is Parmesan cheese hot?
FLAPJACKS: Because I like Parmesan cheese.
ME: And broccoli?
FLAPJACKS: Because I like broccoli.
ME: Other than the letter H, everything that is “hot” on your list seems to be foods you like.
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: And the “not” list is a bunch of foods I know you don’t like. Anchovies, cauliflower, macaroons…
FLAPJACKS: And Wes Anderson. He’s at the bottom.
ME: Wes Anderson is “not?”
FLAPJACKS: Well, not really. But I don’t want him getting cocky.
ME: I think your publisher will tell you that you need to diversify your list a bit.
FLAPJACKS: Very interesting. I will take it under advisement.
ME: Well – wait. You never listen to my advice.
FLAPJACKS: Sure I do.
ME: No, you don’t. You don’t even make a humble show of agreement while ignoring me completely.
FLAPJACKS: So?
(Pause.)
ME: Who’s hired you to do this?
FLAPJACKS: You mean at this present time?
ME: That would be “nobody.”
FLAPJACKS: I’m freelancing.
ME: I freelance. You know what the difference is between you and me? I get paid to do it.
FLAPJACKS: Well, I will eventually.
ME: I am not paying you to make “hot or not” lists.
FLAPJACKS: What if I include a “five minutes ago” category?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: Any number of minutes ago you like. I’m flexible!
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: Aw.
Top comment: Flapjacks’s logic is IMPECCABLE, in that it cannot be PECCED. – supergp
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Mightygodking.com >> Post Topic >> OR NOT.
Flapjacks’s logic is IMPECCABLE, in that it cannot be PECCED.
MEMO TO FLAPJACKS: The “Hot or Not” list world is cutthroat. You will encounter people who will pay you to make lists, but they want to dictate to you what is Hot and what is Not. Don’t do it! Hot or Not lists lose all meaning when you let the Money dictate what is Hot and What is not!
Was the slot for Playboy model make-up application specialist already taken?
“I am going to be one of those guys who makes up the “hot or not” lists!”
My reaction: “Oh God.”
You know, this is why the Be Sharps broke up…
Are panini and all those other fancy sandwiches hot or not?
I have to admit, the list Flapjacks came up with is already much, much better than the ones ‘Entertainment Weekly’ runs each week.
I am convinced that Flapjacks is MGK’s Tyler Durden-esque alter ego.
Hey, that’s right….
Somebody needs to find out if Wiggum was moonlighting as a writer of hot/not lists.
How do you remember so long a conversation? Is it paraphrased?
Flapjacks needs his own late-night talk show.
Of *course* Flapjacks listens to your advice!
[Taking your advice, of course, is not a Flapjackian option...]
MGK’s never given a straight answer to that question when it’s been asked that I recall, Oort. Some people think it’s paraphrased, some people think he records them, some people think that Flapjacks doesn’t really exist. All I know is they’re damn funny.
I suspect Flapjacks exists, and they do have ridiculous conversations, and MGK simply posts funnier/edited versions of his recollections of them.
Flapjacks is MGK’s imaginary friend from when he was a child.
(MGK, not Flapjacks)
Oddly enough, he also bears a strong resemblance to the toy clown from Poltergeist.
(Flapjacks, not MGK)
Flapjacks is Pennywise? Derry is in Canada?
Perhaps one of Pennywise’s children hitched a lift to Canada with MGK after one of his childhood vacations in Maine….