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mygif

Good lord, what did I just read?!

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mygif

I didnt read the post cause i dont want the spoilers and hey, i wasnt going to see that movie but if MGK says is good, maybe i should.

Then i saw who wrote the post.

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mygif

Haha I didn’t even realize that. Okay, so this movie blows.

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mygif

Wow. He typed that all in just one breath, didn’t he? I was going to say something, but I completely forgot it.

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mygif

The thing is, this is more or less an accurate review of the movie. It’s moronic, but it’s also kinda awesome. It’s certainly more entertaining than most of the big Event Movies this summer, with the exception of Star Trek (which was also moronic but kinda awesome).

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malakim2099 said on August 8th, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Flapjacks is MGK’s id.

I’m sure of this. Either that or he’s MGK from a parallel universe.

Does Flapjacks have a goatee?

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mygif

Now I want to go watch The Mummy. The Mummy is maybe my favourite movie ever. And I love Brendan Frasier unapologetically.

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mygif

The Mummy made sense though.

Also, I’ve done extensive university course work in Egyptian history and archaeology, and I just said The Mummy made sense.

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mygif

And then it turns out that ALL ALONG Baroness was in fact a nanite zombie slave the whole time!

face*palm. head*desk.

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solid snake said on August 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm

PORK CHOP SANDWICHES! Also the movie is kind of awesome in a completely asinine explodey, this kind of the technology is 10-20 years away tops (bullshit).

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mygif

>>
>>Jer said on August 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm

And then it turns out that ALL ALONG Baroness was in fact a nanite zombie slave the whole time!
This was where my brain fogged over from WTF. Also, that’s about the part in the review where someone reading it aloud/speaking it would start reading it faster and faster and not stopping to inhale or breath. Imagine it being read by the Micromachine guy.

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Mark Question said on August 8th, 2009 at 2:59 pm

I too, am a Linguistic Major so that one day, I may safe the world from being destroyed by something utterly preposterous.

REPRESENT!

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MartinNr5 said on August 8th, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Best review ever!

Totally loved it and laughed out loud on several occasions.

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mygif

I too, am a Linguistic Major so that one day, I may safe the world from being destroyed by something utterly preposterous.

REPRESENT!

Indeed!

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mygif

It’s certainly more entertaining than most of the big Event Movies this summer, with the exception of Star Trek (which was also moronic but kinda awesome).

Star Trek isn’t moronic: it’s a pretty clever movie that uses a few blatant storytelling cheats and relies on its entertainment value so that people aren’t bothered by them, and succeeds.

G.I. Joe (which I took a friend and her son to yesterday) is balls-out idiotic. It’s better than Transformers, but then again just about anything is better than Transformers.

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mygif

You question the wisdom of Flapjacks? You know the head honcho lets him write here, don’t you? You’re on thin ground, sir.

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mygif

Sounds like one of those GI Joe cartoons everybody remembers because of how awesomely stupid and fun they were (Red Rockets anyone?), rather than just awesome (There’s No Place Like Springfield).

Either way it seems like they tried to stay true to the feel of the old cartoons. All they needed were color coordinated laser battles where nobody ever got hurt.

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BlackMage said on August 8th, 2009 at 5:46 pm

So does that make GI Joe OFFICIALLY more gender-regressive than Transformers?

I mean, at least in Transformers the lady-robots…got to shoot people. I think? Maybe? (Or for all I know those were meant to be just flying shrapnel. The last hour or so of that movie is just a loud, crazy blur, like three hours of Crazy Warehouse Guy ads jammed directly into my brain with an icepick.)

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mygif

Excepting the lameness of the new Cobra Commander and Destro and Good Baroness, I found it a fun movie.

Scarlett kills lots of people in the movie with her auto tracking rocket crossbow thing, so I don’t know what Flapjacks is on about.

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mygif

I love how we now have a running competition as to which film was stupider, Transformers or GI Joe.

Oh but they’re entertaining, don’t you know :-)

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mygif

Good lord, what did I just read?!

Ed Wood’s Night of the Cobra Nanites starring Tor Johnson and Brendan Fraser.

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mygif

I personally think they made the Joe movie this way so that people would stop complaining about how silly the original animated series was. Compared to this movie, the Sunbow 1983-86 series is f-cking Masterpiece Theatre.

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mygif

I’m pretty sure the G I Joe movie I saw (and as ably described by Flapjacks) is on the same level as the old cartoon, as it would be impossible to be more ridiculous.

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Polychrome said on August 8th, 2009 at 11:49 pm

The janitors are trained Maori warriors!

Dude, if the janitors were Maori then Cobra wouldn’t have gotten in the the front door.
Those are some hardcore motherfuckers.

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mygif

I am going to have to go around saying “They’re Joes, man” in a desperate attempt to get recruited into an anti-terrorist organization.

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mygif

Star Trek isn’t moronic: it’s a pretty clever movie that uses a few blatant storytelling cheats and relies on its entertainment value so that people aren’t bothered by them, and succeeds.

…I enjoyed Star Trek too, but we’ll have to agree to disagree on this. The plot of Trek is every bit as ludicrous and lazy as GI Joe’s–the whole freaking thing is a “storytelling cheat”. And the comedic scenes are basically just slapstick. Obviously it’s got the excuse of the writer’s strike, so I give it a pass, but taken out of context it reads like a barely-complete first draft. The cast and director save it, just as they did for GI Joe.

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mygif

Except that you aren’t supposed to suspend as much disbelief for GI Joe as you do for Star Trek.

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mygif

Somewhere Michael Bay is sobbing his eyes out and wishing he’d been a part of all this.

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Allegretto said on August 9th, 2009 at 5:10 am

I hereby suggest the idea that the falling ice was evidently made with HEAVY water. So it would crush their enemies. It makes sense too. Almost-cobra would never settle for anything but the best in frosty-death technology. Maybe it was super-heavy nanite water made of nanites and no water. Only frozen so that it would be nanites disguised as water that froze and became ice.

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mygif

Thank you Polychrome, I was going to say that.

At any rate, G.I. Joe achieved perfection in 1985, with Epyx’s C64 game. Everything since then has been pretty redundant for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0flr_PYtf4

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mygif

Thank you, Agog. That is awesome.

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mygif

I agree with Agog. That game was.. well.. 50% awesome. Those vehicle battles were far too boring.

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mygif

Watch the anime instead. You’ll be glad you did. BTW, it’s pretty sad the Japanese can make a more patriotically American GI Joe movie than the sucktastic EUtopians in Hollyqueer.

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mygif

Bwahaha! This review was a breath of fresh air. I saw the movie yesterday and am still trying to scrub it out of my brain. I was dismayed and offended that the women all got to be damsels in distress. The Baroness is really just a helpless victim? WTF? And don’t get me started on turning Scarlet into nothing more than Ripcord’s piece of ass.

I expect some folks will claim that this movie is teh awesome anyway, and haterz should understand that the tech (along with a nod to 70s cheese) are the real starts of the movie. However, I can’t get past the terrible story. With some action movies you can just ignore the “relationships” and “motivations,” but this movie pushed all sorts of motivation and backstory on us, and then made these utterly crappy.

Thanks for the chance to vent!

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mygif

Watch the anime instead.

There was an anime? The closest thing I’ve heard of is G. I. Joe Resolute, an American production written by Warren Ellis (who is from Europe).

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NCallahan said on August 9th, 2009 at 1:03 pm

I hope there’s a third movie in which G.I. Joe and Cobra team up to fight DRUGS and all DRUGS everywhere come from the same DRUG factory in New Mexico, which happens to be an armored DRUG fortress where all DRUG dealers hide. With DRUG lasers.

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mygif

G. I. Joe Resolute

Animated by Titmouse, a Los Angeles animation studio.

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Zeonista said on August 9th, 2009 at 1:14 pm

I would like to thank this reviewer for saving me from my worst movie-making decision since telling my friends we should see Battlefield Earth.

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mygif

I won’t go as far as to say that I loved it, but I didn’t hate it.

my peeves were, the woodeness of Duke and all the flashbacks.

But then, I’m recommending G-Force to people.

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mygif

No Tanks:

Did you seriously actually just say “Hollyqueer?”

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mygif

What no mention of the fact that even if the Paris chase sequence never happend, there still would have been carnage and chaos on the streets? At several points, cars simply slam into the side of the Humvee, but the editing shows that they are STILL IN MOVING TRAFFIC. Meaning the cars slamming into them were driving into a line of traffic for kicks.

And then the rotary had cars heading towards eachother before they slammed on their brakes.

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mygif

Chris S: Yeah, I was kind of staring at that, too.

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malakim2099 @#6:

I have met MGK (we went to university together – no, really), and I have met Flapjacks, and, let me tell you, MGK is no Flapjacks.

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candlejack said on August 10th, 2009 at 12:51 am

Yay for lowered expectations! After watching the cartoon DVD, the movie didn’t seem that bad. Snake-Eyes didn’t dress up as Boy George (with the wig and hat on over his face mask), so there’s that at least.

I give the nano-tech a pass because it isn’t really a plot point; it’s just the vehicle that takes things where they need to go for the presumed sequel. Zartan becoming a master of disguise who can convincingly imitate another person up close and for long periods of time–check. Cobra Commander, in spite of being a lunatic, a failure, and an uninspiring leader, being in a position to lead thousands of fanatically loyal troops–check. Destro obeying Cobra Commander in spite of thinking he’s a moron, and also constantly wearing a mask that shows expressions in spite of being made of metal–check and check. The fact it’s also the requisite ridiculous weapon this time out is just a bonus.

One thing I didn’t like that I seem to be alone on: There are, if I remember right, only four females on the GI Joe team. Why kill one of them just to show that Storm Shadow doesn’t like killing women?

Of course, should the studio decide more women are desirable, they could always change the genders of existing Joes, just like they took a Joe that wasn’t a joke and replaced him with a Wayans brother. I think Gung Ho would be the perfect candidate for this. The new female Gung Ho (let’s just call her “Ho” for short, shall we?) could keep the open sleeveless shirt look, but the mustache should probably go.

Ooh, even better idea: complete adult-focused relaunch. Change all the genders, call them GI Ho’s, and send them to do battle with Cobra Commandos–those would be Cobras without underwear, of course. Since the Commandos would otherwise be fully dressed, they’d look the same as the existing line, cutting production costs of the relauch significantly. I think it could really take off with the man/boy crowd that confuses gratuitous nudity with maturity!

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mygif

Full Force indeed, International Heroes.

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solid snake said on August 10th, 2009 at 8:44 am

How do Destro and Cobra Commander use the bathroom in their cells on the USS Flagg? Just asking.

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Dave Langdon said on August 10th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

solid snake –
“How do Destro and Cobra Commander use the bathroom in their cells on the USS Flagg? Just asking.”

If nannites an scavenge out deadly cobra venom, do you think they would have any problems with bodily wastes?

Besides, they have to be fueled by -something-…

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mygif

I finally saw the movie and enjoyed it, really. Yeah, its stupid, but so was the cartoon and i think it captures the spirit. I wasnt expecing anything more than lots of action, some jokes, and the Baroness (who yeah, should’ve stayed evil but whatever).

That said, GREAT review, flapjacks.

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mygif

It was… a hell of thing. Pretty much exactly what I expected, my two problems being Cobra Commander’s mask (I’m of the opinion that his little Cobra Kerchief is the classiest thing in the world) and the second Duke opened his mouth I thought to myself “So that’s your performance, is it? Well, carry on.”

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jonnywarlock said on August 12th, 2009 at 8:31 am

This review is the Balls (compliment! That’s a compliment, damn it!)!

Still, I really liked GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

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candlejack said on August 15th, 2009 at 11:37 am

It finally dawned on me that the reason Scarlett was crying is that she’s supposed to be the martial arts expert, and the Baroness is supposed to be the linguist.

(I also recall that Duke and Scarlett had a romance in the old cartoons. I guess Duke really likes cunning linguists.)

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candlejack said on August 16th, 2009 at 12:16 am

(Ah, crap. I meant, of course, that Duke doesn’t really like cunning linguists. Screwed up an already bad joke.)

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Stop the Bull said on August 16th, 2009 at 4:58 am

What’s up with the emo looking storm shadow?

ANyway, thanks for feeding those execs lowering standards of entertainment.
People like you are dumbing down the society.
Your dollar is a vote.

Chuck Liddel should have being hired as Gung-Ho.

But seriously, this whole movie coudl have done without the Gijoe name and franchise.
Just call it ” ironmen tech commandos vs terrorists”

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mygif

You rock my tiny little world, man.

“I can’t believe it’s not Cobra!”

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[…] naturally i was first in line at my local cinema to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation because I love GI Joe and I love movie sequels with colons in the title. Well, I say “first in line,” but […]

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