Keenly aware as I am of the latest trends in the fascinating and frustrating world of political discourse in the United States, it’s dawned on me over the last week or two that I’m surrounded on all sides by Nazis. Once you had to be a real asshole to be considered a Nazi. Now apparently trying to ensure tens of millions aren’t bankrupted when they get the flu qualifies one for hatred and vilification. Fortunately, I’m all for hating and vilifying. So below you’ll find some newly minted (by me) Nazis, helpfully separated into three general categories.
These are the modern American version of Nazis, mind you, which is to say, people of all colours, creeds, genders, political and/or religious affiliation who have pissed, are pissing, or I deem likely to piss, me off. And people I don’t like. And people I just think it’d be funny to accuse of being Nazis1.
Jennifer Corbett (my eleventh grade crush.)
Your mouth said, “Stop climbing the tree in my yard so you can watch me undress, you disgusting little creep” but I know what you were really meant: “You’re just not Aryan enough for me.” Go take a crap on Der Fuhrer’s back, you Eva Braunnabe tease.
Bunch of potato-eating schnitzel-suckers make me want to puke with their lucky charms and arbitrarily pernicious divorce laws.
John Montagu, fourth Earl of Sandwich.
I’ve got your kampf right here, Sandvich.
They slices, they dice, they siegs and they heil like the miserable krauts they are.
The apfel doesn’t fall far from the baum, Jerry.
People who post photos of their pets on blogs.
Not just daschunds either. Any dogs.
John F. Kennedy.
“Ich bin ein [eugenics-supporting Nazi].”
The Bassist from Hootie and the Blowfish.
He knows what he did.
Former Bill Clinton Secretary of Labour Robert Reich.
Robert Thousand Year Reich, I think you mean.
My tenth grade English teacher.
A “C”? Get lost in the forest and die horribly, Gretel.
Tyrese Gibson’s MAYHEM!.
Your taste for lederhosen speaks for itself, but if it didn’t your attitude towards “haters” isn’t exactly subtle.
Anyone who uses the phrase “Support the troops” as an argument supporting unnecessary and quite possibly illegal military actions that put the troops at risk.
Take a long goose-stepping march off a short cliff, you Amerika Uber Alles vermin.
Bunch of jackbooted thugs.
DIRTY STINKING NAZIS
Bunch of overpaid jackbooted thugs.
Jesus “H. stands for Hitler” Christ.
Dying so everyone would have an excuse to hate the Jews? Verrrry clever, Herr Christ. But the whole “people who don’t agree with me burning in the lake of fire for all eternity” thing is a bit of a giveaway.
The cast of Two and A Half Men.
You aren’t funny.
The girl who rear-ended my car in ’97.
The hun blitzkrieg’d my spine!
Tom Selleck’s Mustache.
Magnum PI? Try Magnum SS.
NOT NAZIS (“NOTZIS”)
Data (My Dog.)
Wildstorm Comics Editor Scott Peterson.
Let’s face it, the word’s so watered down by this point that it’s lost any kind of ability to inspire the revulsion and horror appropriate when considering the monstrous acts committed in service to actual, not-just-cuz-I-say-so, honest-to-god nazi principles. A new term is needed for vile, cowardly, fascist dicks. Personally, I call them “Cheneys.”
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