So I been thinking that it’s time I stopped working at the pet store because seriously, the pet store sucks. You’re over by the doggy bins and you’re marking down the puppies because they’re a month old now and they just look at you like “if you drop my price by another two hundred dollars can I have a family pleeeeeeease?” And then you look over at this one basset hound who’s not even a puppy anymore and you’ve marked him down four times now so he’s only five hundred dollars and he’s just given up on everything, he just lies in the corner waiting for the end he knows is coming.
Also, the pay sucks. They could at least pay me thirteen dollars an hour to take care of the depressed dogs, and also the depressed cats and the depressed parrot and the lizards, who are probably not depressed but are kind of stupid.
So it’s time for a new job! And I have decided that I am going to be a published author! Now I know what you are thinking, you are thinking “but Flapjacks you have never ever written anything except awesome blog entries which totally steal the show from MGK, how will you become the next Stephen King? Will it involve murder?” No! Of course it will not involve murder. Murder doesn’t get you published. Unless you kill somebody really really famous and important and then get a successful insanity defense and then thirty years later all is forgiven and you write a memoir. Or if you are O.J. Simpson. But regardless neither of these options appeals to me, so murder is right out.
No, I will become a famous published author on the virtue of my prose. My book is tentatively titled The Civil War Never Happened. (I need a better title. Maybe The Lie Between The States. Or something catchy. One of you come up with something! I am too busy becoming a published author to think of a title!) It is about how the Civil War never actually happened, and all that stuff you hear about the Civil War is just a toxic smokescreen invented by liberals to make real patriotic Americans feel bad about loving their country.
– Civil War theorists claim that the Civil War happened between the United States of America and the Confederate States of America. But this eminently makes no sense. For starters, in the beginning, there was just a United States of America… and nowadays, there is just a United States of America. Do these Civil War theorists seriously claim that a whole other country just showed up one day, and then ever so conveniently went away? Don’t you think that’s just a little suspicious? Who do these liberals think they’re kidding?
– Civil War theorists claim that the Civil War happened because of slavery. But if it happened because of slavery, then where did all the slaves go? Kind of handy for them to just stop being slaves, all at once! That’s like, supposedly, a million people or so! Who all decided to quit their job! Can you imagine what that would do to the economy today if everybody who worked at Taco Bell (which, I have it on good authority, is just like slavery) just up and quit? It would be chaos! And yet, the Civil War theorists would have you believe that these ex-slaves just all went and got new jobs and the U.S. economy was fine and dandy. Uh-huh.
– Civil War theorists would have you believe that there is ample evidence that slavery happened. However, this is all based on a misconception. See, one of the great extinct species of North America, like the dodo and the passenger pigeon, is the polled slaverford (pronounced “SLAV-eh-ford”), a curiously thin-necked breed of cattle. Modern-day “historians” have mistaken records of the great slaverford drives of the south for ownership of people, and tarred honest Southern cattle barons with crimes against humanity which they did not even commit! They pull forth slaverford chains, which were used to drive herds of the cattle across the Southern prairies, and mistakenly assume that they are intended for use on humans. You could almost pity these poor liberal academics who have never been out in the real world, and therefore do not know that the polled slaverford was hunted to death by Irish immigrants in the early 20th century, and that mention of the slaverford in history books was excised by President Kennedy in order to protect his ancestors’ honour.
– Liberal imagineers claim that the Stars and Bars is a “Confederate” battle flag, but in fact there is ample evidence which you can read about in my book which makes it clear that the Stars and Bars was a reward given to the thirteen most patriotic-est states of the Union by Abraham Lincoln himself!
– Civil War believers claim that the Civil War cost the lives of over 200,000 men. However, what they fail to account for is that during the supposed dates of the Civil War, there were no less than three smallpox epidemics as well as a cholera pandemic, dengue, tuberculosis, dropsy, okie-pokie-smokie, and the dreaded “Iowa flu.” It didn’t take a war to kill all those men: they just all got sick and died in a perfect storm of bacteria! Those bodies with bullets in them? Brave American soldiers, both wearing the Blue of the Army and the original Gray of the Marine Corps Auxiliary Marching Band (people really liked their marches in the 19th century), who committed suicide rather than take up valuable doctoring resources, making the ultimate patriotic sacrifice for Mom and apple pie.
– Why the Lie? (Oooh, maybe that should be the sub-title.) Why perpetuate the lie that is the Civil War? Clearly, it is the work of liberal academics out of touch with Real America, who are in cahoots with big business interests like Big Costume, Big Fake Historical Rifles, Big Camping Supplies and Big Bugle. Seriously, did you really, really think there was a place called “Appamattox” before 1943? World War II was the excuse this dreadful conspiracy needed to rewrite American history! While brave young soldiers were off fighting Hitler and… uh… the Japanese leader guy, the imagineers were going around inventing a new history so that when they got home, they’d feel guilty about being Southern, because liberals hate hush puppies and bluegrass music! And then they would have the gall to profit off them! Doesn’t that make you mad as all heck?
So anyways, that’s my book, and even as I finish up this blog post I have already gotten four offers to publish the book before I even hit “publish” in WordPress, so I’m totally sure this is going to work out just fine, guys oh my god I’m gonna make so much money. Do they make swimming pools for money like they do in Uncle Scrooge comics? I bet those are awesome in real life.