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mygif

Ohh! I know a point you missed! The Civil War theorists call it the “civil war”, but everybody with more than two braincells knows that war is military business! Civilians do not wage war! Or, in the words of the immortal poet Axl Rose: What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?

Therefore “civil war” is a contradiction in terms and can never have happened.

Will you mention me in your book when it comes out?

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mygif

You should tell this story from the POV of a young out-of-work 20-something Civil War re-enactor who’s, like, the best Civil War re-enactor EVER and just before the big Civil War re-enactment that’s going to raise money to save the local Civil War museum, he discovers hidden documents signed by Abraham Lincoln himself that prove there was no Civil War, and then he gets attacked by an elite squad of robots in Confederate uniforms that were actually built for Jefferson Davis by Robert Gatling, and he has to run from one historical site to another in order to reveal to the world that the Civil War never happened and America has always been awesome and above reproach. And then he finds Mark Twain’s old time machine, goes back in time and accidentally starts the Civil War, which, like, totally blows everyone’s mind.

He will somehow be played by both Tom Hanks and Bruce Willis in the movie.

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mygif

I have it on good authority that the Civil War happened because of vampires.

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mygif

Title ideas:
Men are from mars, Civil War believers are from Pluto, which totally isn’t even a planet any more so who are you going to believe anyway?

If you believe in the Civil War, I have a message for you from the President of Nigeria.

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Kid Kyoto said on May 11th, 2010 at 10:21 am

Just the idea that lazy Southerns could get off their porches and stop marrying their cousins long enough to fight off New Yorkers is offensive to all rational human beings.

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mygif

Flapjacks is the greatest thinker of our time.

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mygif

@CDub: Shouldn’t it be a movie with Nick Cage called National Treasure 3: Vortex of Time?

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mygif

I bet those crazy liberals would also tell us that Captain America and Iron Man disagreed over policy, and got into a huge fight! That would clearly never happen, as they are both super-heroes, and more importantly, friends!

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mygif

@CB: You’re right. I did just channel the plot to National Treasure 3. So, yes. Replace the Tom Hanks/Bruce Willis hybrid with Nick Cage and make it the third entry in the franchise.

However, in this one (going by the end of the last one), he’ll apparently have the President along for the ride, which makes the National Treasure universe a universe I want to live in. I want to live in any universe where there’s so little going on in the world that the US President has time to go adventuring with Nicholas Cage.

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Willie Everstop said on May 11th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Lincoln’s Big Lie: Brother vs Brother vs The Truth
or
Confederacy of Dunces II: The Rise of Dishonest Abe

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malakim2099 said on May 11th, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Flapjacks: Sadly, Glenn Beck already exists, so you can’t get this job. :)

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mygif

Great idea Flapjacks. I can’t wait till the sequel when you disprove Vietnam and the Civil Rights Movement as well. We gotta take real murca back from the fake limousine liberals tryin’ to tell us we’ve “made mistakes” and “should try to make up for them”!

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Mary Warner said on May 11th, 2010 at 2:29 pm

This only pales before the huge Liberal lie about all the land in this country being stolen from Indians. India is clear on the other side of the world! What would Indians be doing with all this land in American in the first place? You should cover that in your next book.

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Willie Everstop said on May 11th, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Moon Landing 2: Gettysburg Boogaloo

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drmedula said on May 11th, 2010 at 3:12 pm

So Flapjacks is really Glenn Beck?

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mygif

@CDub: Wow, you weren’t parodying National Treasure on purpose?

Flapjacks: “Hush puppies” like the shoes? Or like the Southern fried delicacy? …Or like the depressed dog?

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mygif

I will accept your theory about the Civil War, but only if the South will finally just accept that fact that in late 1864, most of Georgia just spontaneously busrt into flame. General Sherman and his soldiers were just marching to the sea to get some water to put out all of those spontaneous fires!

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mygif

And a general named “Hooker?” Yeah, rite.

Titles for Flapjacks’s masterpiece:

“THE WAR OF NORTHERN DECEPTION”

“A HOUSE NOT DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF STANDS JUST FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH”

“JUMP DOWN, TURN AROUND, PICK A BALE OF FABRICATED HISTORY”

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ladypeyton said on May 11th, 2010 at 5:44 pm

If Flapjacks is really Glenn Beck, does that mean Glenn Beck is actually Canadian?

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Lister Sage said on May 11th, 2010 at 6:00 pm

I really can’t finish this post at the moment because that opening paragraph is way to depressing.

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Jason Barnett said on May 11th, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Lister Sage-sad puppies are one of the saddest things I can think of.

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Ryan Beariot said on May 11th, 2010 at 7:34 pm

“Even as I finish up this blog post I have already gotten four offers to publish the book before I even hit “publish” in WordPress”

How many of them from crazy right-wing publishers?

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mygif

@SmR: Not that exact movie, no. I was just going for “hokey action thriller with fake history”.

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DistantFred said on May 11th, 2010 at 10:22 pm

Flapjacks, right this book, and Michelle Malkin WILL marry you.

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DistantFred said on May 11th, 2010 at 10:24 pm

Er. Write this book, that is.

Although, with the crowd you’re pandering to, ‘righting’ books does seem appropriate.

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mygif

The only problem here is that the crowd you’re trying to sell to don’t cotton to none of this fancy “book learnin.” yer tryin ta pass off. Everyone knows that written language is an invention of them fancy eastern liberals.

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mygif

The written language is an invention of them fancy eastern liberals, and movies and TV are the work of those godless Hollywood liberals, so clearly vision itself is the most liberal of the senses, and should never be trusted. ONLY BELIEVE WHAT YOU CAN TASTE!

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Mary Warner said on May 12th, 2010 at 2:56 pm

If I may be annoyingly pedantic, the Stars and Bars and the Confederate Battle Flag are not the same thing. The Battle Flag is the one you always see. The Stars and Bars, which was the official national flag of the Confederacy was similar to the US flag, but with only two red stripes across the top and bottom, and a white stripe in between (the bars), and with a dark blue field in the upper left with a circle of stars (the stars). People are always getting the two flags confused.
The Stars and Bars tends to be even more heavily associated with White Supremacy than the Battle Flag.

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Kate Andrews said on May 12th, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Flapjacks, if you’re working in a pet store, I would expect you would KNOW something about animals. Now, I grant you that the slaverford is a rather obscure animal – practically unknown since the WWII coverup – but everyone who does know about them knows perfectly well that they are a smaller sort of brontosaurus.

Get your facts straight!

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FeepingCreature said on May 12th, 2010 at 6:51 pm

I’m gonna go ahead and vocalize what all of you were thinking.

The title of this work _must_ be “I Don’t Need Your Civil War”.

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FifthSurprise said on May 12th, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Well now I know what it’s like to have bits of my brain attempt to escape out of my ears and make a break for it.

Luckily I have ear plugs.

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