SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.
BIGWIG: We have a problem, gentlemen. Looking at our upcoming slate I see nothing that will be in 3D.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Actually, I -
BIGWIG: I know, One, but I looked into it and the technology to properly make Pogo Ball: The Movie In 3D is still five years away.
FIRST: Awwwww.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Didn’t you say that five years ago?
BIGWIG: It wasn’t going to be in 3D then. Surely Pogo Ball deserves nothing less than the best we have to offer.
FIRST: I guess. I mean, who would want a Pogo Ball movie to be bad?
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: The Internet.
BIGWIG: Who cares about the Internet? I remember the Snakes on a Plane fiasco. Have you already forgotten the lesson of Five?
THIRD: No. No, I haven’t.
BIGWIG: Right. People have heard Samuel L. Jackson say “motherfucker” many times already. They are not willing to pay for that experience again. They will gladly accept it as a bonus, but that is it. Where was I?
FIRST: Pogo Ball!
BIGWIG: Yes. And no. So what ideas do you have for our 3D slate?
SECOND: I’ve got a beach volleyball flick we could post-convert to 3D. Imagine the titties.
THIRD: That’s not a movie. That’s some home video you took. Without permission.
SECOND: It works when Joe Francis does it.
FIRST: Oh oh oh! I have an idea! Let’s do a monster movie in 3D!
THIRD: That’s actually not a bad idea.
BIGWIG: Indeed. What monster movie will we remake in glorious three-dimensional spectacle?
FIRST: We could make our own brand new monster movie.
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid.
SECOND: Godzilla?
BIGWIG: That’s locked up for another decade.
FIRST: King Kong?
BIGWIG: Too soon.
SECOND: Dracula?
BIGWIG: Too played.
FIRST: Frankenstein?
BIGWIG: No Universal monsters.
SECOND: Freddy Krueger?
BIGWIG: No.
THIRD: Piranha. The rights are available.
BIGWIG: Can we make it work in 3D?
THIRD: Fish swimming straight at the viewer?
BIGWIG: Sounds possible. I believe this idea is suitable, but we need to be sure we can film it cheaply.
SECOND: I know some locations in Arizona that owe me a favor.
THIRD: Arizona?
SECOND: Are you going to be all “a bloo bloo bloo what about the Mexicans” because last I checked we want to make these movies cheaply.
THIRD: First, you’re a horrible person.
FIRST: What?
THIRD: No, not you. I mean he’s a horrible person and I have more than one thing to say.
FIRST: Oh, that’s okay then.
THIRD: The more important thing is that we are talking about a killer fish movie and you just suggested that we film it in a desert.
SECOND: Arizona has lakes.
THIRD: It has man-made lakes. How are we supposed to spring killer fish on people with man-made lakes? They stock the lakes themselves!
SECOND: I dunno. Mad scientist. Geez, why do you gotta be picky?
FIRST: Ooo ooo ooo I know! It’s not a mad scientist! There was an earthquake, and it opened up a fissure to the ocean!
A pause.
THIRD: But Arizona is very far away from the ocean, you know -
BIGWIG: No, no – this could work. Zoological oddity, sort of a thing. Works better than the mad scientist idea.
SECOND: Hey!
BIGWIG: Now, now, Two. This movie is nearly there, but it needs your special something to make it work.
SECOND: Here in front of everybody?
THIRD: He means an idea.
SECOND: Oh. Well, see, I like the idea of killer fish, but if you’re going to have killer fish, why not have tons of college girls in bikinis for the killer fish to eat? We just take that whole plot from Jaws and put it into our movie. Except instead of stupid boring families, we have college girls in bikinis.
BIGWIG: That seems like an excellent way to add tension and also to rack up the body count when we need to do so.
FIRST: And then the killer fish can fight the town sheriffs! And the town sheriffs will be all “HAH TAKE THAT YOU KILLER FISH” and they shoot them and stuff but then the killer fish are all BWAAMMMMMM and they jump out of the water and kill people and the town sheriffs have to fight them hand-to-hand! And then the piranhas make a giant whirlpool to suck people down into the water so they can eat them!
THIRD: That makes no sense whatsoever.
BIGWIG: But will it look good in 3D?
THIRD: Does anything look good in 3D?
BIGWIG: No, but will people believe it looks good?
THIRD: …you realize his eyes have glazed over because he’s imagining the climactic fish-sheriff fight, right?
BIGWIG: We’ll send him down to the storyboarding room later on. It’s more profitable to us then sending him into therapy.
FIRST: …and then Christopher Lloyd says “gadzooks!”…
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That’s…Kingdom of the Spiders. But with bikinis instead of William Shatner.
Looks like Richard Dreyfuss will get eaten this time.
If the movie has Sheriff Joe gettin’ et’ by fish I’ll shell out 9 bucks for it. If he REALLY gets eaten I’d probably go more than once…
I love these. And it always amazes me to see how much of the crap about the movie you didn’t make up.
Dear dog in heaven, I thought you were joking.
I remember reading how some mucketymuck (Cameron? Katzenberg?) was complaining about Clash of the Titans “cheapening” the 3D experience. Then on the next page was an article about this movie, and I thought, “Clash of the Titans isn’t the problem here.”
Syfy called, they want their script back.
Christopher Llyod might make this one worth it…He does a great crazy scientist
Man, the fish “roaring” at the end really sold the trailer for me.
I feel required to point out that Piranha 3-D would be the third movie in a series and that James Cameron was the director of the second movie.
Cameron, of course, has disowned Piranha 2 and refuses to consider it part of his filmography.
Actually, there was already a remake, so this is really the FOURTH film.
And I actually think this looks like good dumb fun.(Which is a fair description of the original, too; Spielberg referred to that one as “the only GOOD “Jaws” ripoff…”)
My friends and I all saw that trailer when we went to see Avatar. We all had the same reaction to the boat motor scene: whooooOOOOOOOOAAAAaaahhhhh!
/sarcasm
Other movies to be made in 3-D:
1) Pride and Prejudice IN 3-D!
2) Love in the Time of Cholera IN 3-D!
3) Meatballs IN 3-D! Actually I might want to see that… if they get the right guy to fill Bill Murray’s shoes.
4) MANOS the Hands of FATE IN 3-D (the way the filmmaker intended!) With Nicolas Cage as TORGO!
10) Saving Private Ryan II: The Quickening IN 3-D!
I think it’s clear that Santa Claus vs. the Martians 3D needs to be made before MANOS.
Nobody needs to see Droppo snoring behind a space rock in 3-D.
Pride and Prejudice will likely be made in 3-d…granted it’s the & Zombies version…
I can’t believe they’d set a piranha movie in Arizona, I mean what the hell . . .
Damnit, I had successfully forgotten this film existed.
Thanks a bundle.
I thought this was just a joke article, then I went and watched the trailer.
The CGI fish are not convincing at all.
Hey as long its 80% girls in Bikini’s and 20% kungfu fighting fish, im there!
and for goodness sakes “Laserblast in 3D” will be the most awesome movie evvvvverrrrrr!
Nah, I’m holing out for By the Sword Divided — in 3D!
(It’d be fascinating to see how they’d square the apparent need for bikini-clad women with the fact that it’s set in mid-seventeenth century in England.)
I just read the Wikipedia entry and watched the trailer and I’m still convinced you’re making this one up. Way to fund the hoax!
Personally, I’m holding out for the 3-D remake of Catholic Schoolgirls In Trouble. Just saying.
@malakim2099: Make both of them fight the fish for it – with pogo balls.
And yet AGAIN we are left with no Rex movie! >(