Your judges are the usual gang of idiots. All evening they hype up the fact that Alex WHO IS A GUY is dancing with Twitch WHO IS ALSO A GUY HOLY CRAP Y’ALL, which is maddeningly annoying, but not as annoying as the audience, which has never, ever been this bad in the show’s history.
Adechike and All-Star Lauren: hip-hop. Lauren gets hip-hop instead of Comfort? Okay whatever THIS SHOW IS ANTI-COMFORT RACIST! Joking aside, this was pretty good, as Adechike actually did not dance like a very skilled zombie but instead like an actual human being, and his hip-hop technique was honestly quite decent. A thoroughly good opening to the show.
Adechike’s solo: Complex and understated; a fairly bold choice given the show’s format. I liked it quite a bit.
Ashley and All-Star Forklift: contemporary. This is the third week in a row where Ashley has had either contemporary or jazz (and her jazz piece was Travis’ “I can’t believe it’s not contemporary” dance last week), so she’s not exactly being, like, stretched or anything. This was good, I suppose, but good in the way that it hits all the SYTYCD buttons: gorgeous lifts, staggering lifts, and nothing but lifts for practically the entire piece. This is not to say that being lifted properly is easy – Ashley’s core strength was obviously tested here – but come on now.
Ashley’s solo: “Hey look I can do a pirouette and an arabeseque and a…” Terrible.
Robert and All-Star Courtney: jazz. See, first week Sonya did that lovely contemporary for Alex and Allison and I was all “hey, maybe she isn’t just doing the same piece over and over again” and now here she is hitting F5 on her inner browser once more. Honestly, I could barely get through the whole thing, because I’ve seen it like ten times now. She doesn’t have a “distinct voice,” she has this one sentence she really likes to repeat over and over again. I suppose Robert was good in this, I guess, but when I can just look at individual moves and say “Mark did it better” and be literally correct that doesn’t help him.
Robert’s solo: Some will disagree with me, but I felt it was overly feminine on him – just a little too flowery at the wrong moments. I want to see him get a little more aggressive.
Melinda and All-Star Pasha: salsa. This was strained and clunky, to say the least; Melinda’s transitions were nonexistent and her steps were thick and heavy. I really wanted this to be decent, and it was only very kinda okay. Granted, there have been far worse performances of salsa on this show and she did her best to make up for it with personality. Of course, the judges then throw Melinda under the bus like they have every week, which I doubt helps. Sadly, Melinda made the mistake of not being a lovable stereotype! Bad Melinda! Maybe next time you’ll learn to adopt a cute accent or something!
Melinda’s solo: Technically accomplished, but completely lacking in musicality. Mia called it, sad to say.
Lauren and All-Star Neil: Broadway. Although the wardrobe malfunction got all the hype here (and Lauren and Neil handled it skillfully), the dance was muscular and entertaining. Mia complains that the dance is not sexy enough and that Lauren is too athletic, which: shut up, Mia. (Especially Mia, who loves to choreo dances that require insane levels of athleticism.) The choreo was lovely. They should just let Joey Dowling (and Sean Cheeseman) do all the Broadway from now on and put Tasty in a footlocker somewhere. Somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.
Lauren’s solo: Perfectly decent contemporary solo. Perhaps a bit generic, but the transitions were musical.
Billy and All-Star Kathryn: contemporary. Somebody finally got a good performance out of Billy – by letting him basically do one of his solos and have his partner dance around him. Congratulations, Stacey Tookey, for trying to play to Billy’s sole apparent strength! But even when this amount of Billy-stroking is done, he still dances like he’s doing a solo. Kathryn as usual tries to connect for both of them and nearly succeeds, because Kathryn is awesome (and underscores that if Billy had not been sick, he would have gotten knocked out of season 6 probably around the halfway mark).
Billy’s solo: Billy’s usual lovely solo, as you would expect.
Not Legacy and All-Star Anya: samba. This week the judges made it clear that they don’t expect Not Legacy to dance well or even at all! His shining presence is all that matters! He makes them happy, like a security blanket or warm cocoa. You think I am being sarcastic? No, this is pretty much exactly what they said. Then Mia wonders how Not Legacy keeps staying every week when he’s not dancing well. Shut up, Mia. Shut up, judges. Concentrate on Jose’s dancing, which was as usual Not Good Enough To Be On This Show, no matter how much magic is in his eyes and smile. Hey, remember Legacy? He didn’t need magic in his eyes and smile; he could actually do the steps. But as we all know, B-boys are apparently the special needs kids of the dance world in Nigel’s eyes. Fuck you, Nigel, you patronizing asshole, and fuck the rest of the judges too.
Not Legacy’s solo: He’s not even good enough to be on this show in his own fucking style, for crissake. He’s the worst B-boy, skillwise, to ever appear on this show: he’s miles beneath Ryan or Hok or Dominic or Gev or Legacy, or Gaz or Don or Emmanuel or Timomatic or Demi or Pania or Khaly or JD, or Jesse or Nicolas or Miles. Yes, I’m sure he’s very nice and works hard. Tough; he’s not good enough.
Kent and All-Star Allison: jazz. Two weeks in a row where all they want is Kent to dance not like a giggling schoolboy and he can’t do it. I am so fucking sick of Kent’s aw-shucks crap and the way he constantly plays it up for the screaming tweens. I now want to punch Kent in his fucking face. I’m sorry, Kent, I shouldn’t want to punch you in your fucking face. But I do. The judges keep blathering about Kent’s “magical quality,” which is I guess what makes me want to punch him in the fucking face.
Kent’s solo: Yeah yeah ineffable joy of dance whatever.
Alex and All-Star Twitch: hip-hop. HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. I’ve been waiting to see Alex dance outside of his comfort zone. I hoped he’d be good; I worried he wouldn’t be. (Yes, I am rooting for Alex. Fuck you. He’s Canadian, I’m entitled. We didn’t get into the World Cup this year.) I wasn’t expecting him to basically match Twitch – who is genuinely now one of the best hip-hop dancers in the business – step for step. Alex and Twitch fucking nailed this. Tabbynaps basically redeemed all of their prior mediocre routines in one go with this; this is genuinely one of the best hip-hop performances in the show’s history. For those keeping track, that makes two weeks out of three where Alex has contributed one of the best [genre] performances in the show’s history.
Alex’s solo: Excellent, as you would expect.
Should be bottom three: Melinda, Jose, Kent.
Will be bottom three: Melinda, Lauren, Jose.
Should go home: Jose.
Will go home: Melinda.