FLAPJACKS: So how’s the new job?
FLAPJACKS: Just “fine”?
ME: It’s a good job.
FLAPJACKS: Are you defending the innocent with legal stuff?
FLAPJACKS: Oh. Are you working for The Man?
ME: Not really.
FLAPJACKS: So you’re in that grey indeterminate haze of legal morality?
FLAPJACKS: Well, I guess that’s all right for the time being so long as you can loan me money.
ME: I can’t.
FLAPJACKS: Then it is a horrible injustice of a work environment and I demand you increase your standards.
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: But seriously, why is it “fine?”
ME: I’m working in a small law office. I like that. It’s hands-on. What’s not fine about that?
FLAPJACKS: Do you have to wear a tie?
FLAPJACKS: Then that’s not fine.
ME: Well, in law you don’t usually get to not wear a tie.
FLAPJACKS: You could work for some hippie law firm. I bet they don’t wear ties.
ME: If I want to go to court, I have to wear a tie. It’s kind of the rules. Even hippie lawyers wear ties to court. Maybe the ties are made of hemp, but they’re still ties.
FLAPJACKS: You know I’m only saying this because I know you absolutely hate wearing ties.
FLAPJACKS: Yes you hate wearing ties or yes you know that’s why I’m saying it?
FLAPJACKS: Haven’t you always hated wearing ties? I mean, I remember one time you described them as “portable nooses.”
ME: That mangle your soul like Jeffrey Dahmer with a gay prostitute, yes.
FLAPJACKS: And now you’re in a job where you always have to wear ties.
ME: Pretty much.
FLAPJACKS: Boy, did you make good career choices. Did nobody tell you “hey, before you go to law school, you should probably know that lawyers wear ties” or did everybody just assume you already knew that?
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: Why do you hate ties, anyway?
ME: They get in the way of everything. You eat, you have to be careful of your tie. You go to the bathroom, you have to be careful of your tie. You do ANYTHING other than sit at a desk, you have to be careful of your tie.
FLAPJACKS: I see.
ME: Plus there’s wind.
FLAPJACKS: Wait, what?
ME: You know how in the movies when wind blows past somebody with a tie, the tie blows dramatically off to one side and looks badass?
ME: In real life it just flies straight up into your face and you look like a schmuck. I wouldn’t mind ties quite so much if they didn’t do that.
FLAPJACKS: Yes you would.
ME: Well, okay, yeah.
FLAPJACKS: So what you’re saying is that there is a market for ties that look awesome in the wind and blow the right way. The Will Smith Coming Out Of An Explosion Tie.
ME: Not really.
FLAPJACKS: I bet I could rig something up with a system of weights. Or maybe strings.
ME: I should just stop you right now before you proceed to the bank with a business plan where you have liberally sprinkled the word “awesome.”
FLAPJACKS: Why don’t banks like things that are awesome?
ME: They just don’t.
FLAPJACKS: Besides, I was going to ask you for the startup capital.
ME: I thought we covered that I don’t have it.