It’s simple, kiddo. I got a heist planned that’s gonna be…oh, it’s gonna be big. The biggest of the big. Don’t think millions, think billions. And the best part is, the people we’re stealing from? They won’t be able to do a thing about it. It’s gonna be all nice and legal.
Think about all them widows and orphans out there, my friend. All those retirees, all those teachers in their boring little-person jobs, all the cops and firefighters. Sure, I know what you’re thinking. “Where’s the upside in stealing the Social Security check of some little old lady? How much is that gonna get us?” That’s why you need me, pal. Because you don’t think big. We’re not going to steal one check from one little old lady. We’re gonna steal ’em all. All at once.
See, here’s the plan. I’m gonna make you my guy on the inside, see. Because you’re not too sharp…hey, don’t look at me like that, we both know it. But you got a nice smile, you got good hair, you look good in a suit. Respectable, that’s the word. That’s why you’re gonna be the front man in this. I’ll provide the seed money, you wrap yourself in the flag, Mom, apple pie, all that jazz. Talk a lot about how you love babies and hate taxes, that’ll get the mark interested. Before you know it, you’re a big man in Washington.
That’s when we get to work. See, all these suckers we’re going after, they think they got a contract. But this is the best part: There ain’t a word of it that can’t be changed! It’s all what they call a “social contract”, a bunch of people getting together and agreeing on what needs to be done for the good of the whole country. Man, these chumps ain’t gonna know what hit ’em.
Because they put all their money in this “America” thing. For safekeeping, right? They got sold this line that if they give money to the government, someday they’ll get it back in the form of essential services. Oh, sure, the people who told ’em that meant it. But remember, it’s a social contract. Someone like…well, like you and me…we get in charge of the money, we can just change the rules however we want.
So you tell the mark, “Hey, elect me and I’ll make sure you get a better deal. All the stuff you’re getting now, but you won’t have to pay so much in taxes!” And then you get into office, and the first thing you do? You make sure I get paid. Don’t worry, you’ll get your cut. We’ll call my money a “subsidy”, and your money a “campaign contribution.” All nice and legal, like I said.
Then we show the marks the books. We say, “Hey, somebody must have made a mistake. All those things we promised to give you? All those things you been paying for your whole life? Yeah, sorry, there’s not enough money in the budget for ’em. That guy who was in charge before me, he must have been lying to you when he said we could do that. What a punk, huh? We’re gonna have to cut all those fancy benefits. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”
It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Every single dime those chumps and suckers paid into creating this “American Dream” of theirs, right into our pockets. A lot of ’em won’t even suspect a thing! And the ones who do, well…like I said, there’s nothing illegal about it. You just subsidized my company. I just contributed to your campaign. They just made some sacrifices for our nation’s future. Hell, we’re all goddamn patriots.
It’s a nice, simple scam. I end up richer, you end up richer, and the only people who get hurt are a bunch of little people who trusted in this country’s leaders to do right by them the way they did right by America. And most of them will probably wind up convincing themselves it was all their fault somehow for believing in the American Dream. It sounds too good to be true, right? A society where people come together to do things that are too big for them to do separately? A nation where people don’t leave the sick, the poor, the elderly and the helpless to die? Yeah, suckers probably have it coming just for trying crap like that with people like us around.
So whaddya say? You in? Or do I find someone else to be my inside guy and rake in the dough?
Yeah, that’s about what I thought.