FLAPJACKS: So, are you gonna get Mass Effect 3 when it comes out?
FLAPJACKS: Why not?
MGK: Because I didn’t play the first two? Because I’m not gonna play every game that comes out? I don’t have time to play them all. I never played Gears of War or any of the later Grand Theft Autos or anything like that. I’ve been spending the last five months working my way through the Assassin’s Creed franchise and I’m nowhere near close to finished. I got Saints Row The Third on Steam because it was on sale and everybody was saying it was wacky and awesome, and it looks wacky and awesome, but I know I won’t get to it until, like, June or something. If I wanted to get into Mass Effect I would be looking at a time sink of god knows how long. There are only so many hours in the day, and so forth.
FLAPJACKS: But everybody says that Mass Effect is brilliant and visionary and -
MGK: Space zombies.
MGK: Spaze zombies. The third Mass Effect is about space zombies. Oh, sure, call them Reapers or whatever. But it’s space zombies.
FLAPJACKS: Look, your anti-zombie sentiment seems a little hypocritical given that in your comic you’re doing, you recently revealed that some of the bad guys were zombies.
MGK: They’re not zombies. It’s a little bit more complicated than that. But so what if I’m hypocritical? The comic is free. Mass Effect 3 is fifty dollars. I’m sure it’s really entertaining and all, but if “space zombies” is your hook then I think I’m going to wait until it’s on sale on Steam for, like, ten bucks. Should take about six months or so. Maybe Christmas. That’s about what I spent on Dead Space 1 and 2 total, and in those games I could at least stomp the space zombies to death. Because I don’t play these games for the plot most of the time.
FLAPJACKS: But I was under the impression that Mass Effect had an amazing plot. Like, a glorious space opera arc that makes Star Wars look like dogshit. And old Star Wars, not new Star Wars.
MGK: I actually think plotting has gone downhill since Bioware introduced its “you can be good or evil or whatever” system of roleplaying games. I mean, the old stuff they did like Planescape, those were basically stories with which you can interact and twiddle a bit, but you were always locked onto the plot and you were going to be the good guy whether you liked it or not. But now it’s all about choice, which means the games always feel a bit limp to me. It’s entirely possible that Mass Effect is the Tolstoy of video gaming, but I tend to doubt it. Besides, this avoids the more important question, which is if I am going to be able to stomp the space zombies to death in Mass Effect 3? Also, will I get extra points for shooting them in the dick like I did in Bulletstorm?
FLAPJACKS: That was a great game. I have to admit, I was really impressed with the lengths they took to justify why the game would reward you for shooting bad guys in the dick. “Because the military likes it when you shoot people in the dick” would not have been how I would have explained it, but there you go.
MGK: No, I suspect Mass Effect 3 will be extremely serious about the space zombies, because everything I’ve seen from that series bunches into either “we are taking this very seriously” or “here is a brief segue so we can be wacky for a second and then we’re going right back to it being all serious.” God knows that Twitter feed they set up so that they could hype the game by having a Twitter RP session was about as fun as something that is the opposite of fun.
FLAPJACKS: Look, you didn’t know Emily Wong like Mass Effect fans did. I bet she was really important and having her die in a text message was very meaningful.
MGK: I admit I’m stating this from relative ignorance. Maybe if you play as Female Shepherd – and god if I hear one more nerd jizz his pants over “FemShep” I will cut them, because barely having seen any of her I am already sick of her – instead of having laser fights the aliens fight each other by, I dunno, can-can dancing. Or silly walk jousting. Maybe one of the sidekicks you get in every Bioware game fights with a giant caber that is made out of lightsabers. All of this could be true! But I doubt it. It just doesn’t feel like that sort of game.
FLAPJACKS: How would you even carry a giant caber made of lightsabers?
MGK: That’s for the details people to work out. I’m an idea man. But if Mass Effect games play anything like everything else Bioware makes, then I’m already less inclined to play them, because I am so sick of Bioware “go here, get a thing, now go here and get another thing” RPGs. You know what I miss? Baldur’s Gate. Screw this two-sidekicks crap. I want a party of fucking adventurers and the computer rolling dice for me and not even trying to hide the fact, that’s what I want.
FLAPJACKS: They’re apparently redoing that game or something. There was a big hubbub on the net last week.
MGK: I am curious to see if they screw with it or just intelligently decide to reproduce it in HD or something.
FLAPJACKS: What if they turn it into a modern Bioware game?
MGK: Then we will go blow shit up.