FLAPJACKS: Dog! We must duel! A duel to the death!
MGK: How dare you call me a dog! We must duel! To the death!
FLAPJACKS: Yes! The Countess’ honour will be avenged!
MGK: …wait, what?
FLAPJACKS: The Countess. Her honour. You know.
MGK: No, not following you.
FLAPJACKS: Look, it is widely known that you poured beer all over the Countess! It angers me to think of you disrespecting her that way!
MGK: I’m not saying that wouldn’t be bad if I had done it.
MGK: Although it would be hot, in a consensual context.
FLAPJACKS: Also precisely.
MGK: But I didn’t do anything like that.
FLAPJACKS: But I heard –
MGK: I did, however, spill beer in The Duchess, which is a pub down the street.
FLAPJACKS: That’s kind of different.
MGK: I know.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you haven’t offended the honour of the Countess lately?
MGK: I can only wish.
FLAPJACKS: The Duchess, maybe? Not the pub. The human one.
MGK: She’s, like, seventy-five. What could I do to offend her honour?
FLAPJACKS: You could have dropped a hanky inappropriately.
MGK: How does that offend her honour?
FLAPJACKS: I’m not sure exactly, but I know it does. She complained a whole lot when I did it. Old people are weird.
MGK: Well, I haven’t done that lately either.
FLAPJACKS: The Baroness, maybe?
MGK: You’re thinking of G.I. Joe now.
FLAPJACKS: But it is not your fault that she is not in the sequel?
MGK: I don’t think so, no.
FLAPJACKS: Dang. I went and bought this rapier and everything.
MGK: It looks tremendously impressive.
FLAPJACKS: I cut myself on it.
MGK: I was wondering why you had a Voltron bandaid on that finger.
FLAPJACKS: They were all I had left.
MGK: But of course.
FLAPJACKS: Well, anyway, I guess we’re not going to be dueling now, since you haven’t offended the honour of a lady.
MGK: I offended the honour of Michele Bachmann a while back, I think.
FLAPJACKS: Politician. Doesn’t count.
MGK: Really. But it doesn’t matter. We still have to duel.
FLAPJACKS: She really doesn’t count. It has to be someone of noble blood, and just because she is a secret Swiss doesn’t make her a noble. It probably just means that she has Nazi gold somewhere.
MGK: No, I mean you called me a dog. That is an insult, sirrah. A-dueling we must go.
FLAPJACKS: But you’re a dog person. You have specifically said at many times that you prefer dogs to cats.
MGK: True. But had you called me a cat I would be even more offended and we would have to duel, like, twice or something.
FLAPJACKS: What if I had called you a “cool cat”? And how would we duel to the death twice?
MGK: I imagine the second duel would be rather perfunctory, to be honest. And “cool cat” is permissible. But you called me a dog! An insult to mine honour! Imagine that I have just slapped you across the face with a glove. I don’t have any gloves.
FLAPJACKS: You have that pair of mittens.
MGK: Yes, but who is gonna initiate a duel with mittens?
FLAPJACKS: Speaking of things you don’t have, you also don’t have a sword.
MGK: Well, I was going to suggest that we take turns with yours. Since I am initiating this duel, I will go first. Then you can have a go with it.
FLAPJACKS: This seems like a perfectly conceived proposal with no possible loopholes you can exploit.