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I love this plan.

I love this plan.

Only catch.

What if, once the Knicks are traded, they don’t go off.

They don’t go off NOW because the first time they DID go off, they ruptured spacetime with the ferocity of their destruction. This caused a causality loop, resetting to the instigation of the poker game.

Amar’e Stoudemire, feeling the disruption to the normal flow of time through his bionic knees, sent a message through time to disrupt the circuitry of Adam Silver, who is clearly both an android and the dealer of the poker game.

Silver rigs the game, DeRozan loses, the Knicks remain in his possession.

Subsequently, the confluence of owning the rights to both Stoudemire and Bargnani causes all basketballs in the Western hemisphere to be gravitationally drawn into a singularity above DeRozan’s penthouse office spire.

The only way to correct this would naturally be to have present-Acy (Acy A) travel forward and laterally to a parallel timeline to retrieve a future-Acy (Acy B) from BEFORE he finalized the Acy Engine but while he still had a theoretical prototype.

This way, Acy B can help Acy A finalize the Acy Matrix, will allow travel back through timestreams closed off by the Acy Engine (which obviously creates fixed points in time whereby the Engine cannot access prior quantum realities created through its own use).

This lets Acy C (16-year-old Quint Acy from a timeline where a childhood bicycling accident affected his growth plates and stopped his growth at 5’7″, pushing him into an obsession with film rather than basketball) infiltrate the filming of ‘Whatever Happened to Michael Ray?’, where he can ensure that Silver is never shot repeatedly by Michael Ray Richardson, necessitating his reconstruction into a bionic sleeve.

RoboSilver prevented, Stoudemire has no way to impact the poker game, which ensures the explosion goes off without a hitch.

Rock solid.

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Mitchell Hundred said on June 19th, 2013 at 10:43 am

Needs more dinosaurs. How do you put time travel in a story and forget to include dinosaurs?

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Um, hello? Didn’t you notice, this is about the Toronto Raptors. It had dinosaurs in it from the beginning.

Pay attention, man.

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Mitchell Hundred said on June 19th, 2013 at 11:38 am

Which affords them a golden opportunity to replace their entire team with actual Raptors. Carpe diem.

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ScottyDubsSD said on June 19th, 2013 at 11:55 am

See, Step 15 is where you lose me. A poker game between DeMar DeRozan and James Dolan has no winner, it just keep going and going, on an infinite loop until the universe collapses in on itself.

Still, it couldn’t hurt to teach Quincy Acy theoretical physics.

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This is too far-fetched of a story for me. Do you really expect me to believe that the Toronto Raptors could win two games in a best-of-seven series against the Spurs?

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The Unstoppable Gravy Express said on June 19th, 2013 at 1:56 pm

I love how the first two steps could pass for plausible first steps in a plan meant to be taken seriously, and then it goes all batshit insane after that. :-)

ROBO-BALLER

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Dave for MVP!

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25. Send rollerblading Raptors mascot to hunt down Gregg Popovich

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Medrawtmedrawt said on June 19th, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Step 17 violates the NBA’s Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Also, Bill Russell can sense timeline changes. When the Celtics are wiped out of existence, he will know. And he will make it right.

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Bill Russell is a Time Lord?

…that actually explains a lot.

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I don’t see a David Stern contingency plan in here. Because I figure with the Knicks and Heat gone, he’ll use that time machine to go back in time, get the Dream Team at the height of their careers, and make them into a personal team. Also Joey Crawford will ref every game they’re in to make sure they win.

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Jim Caldwell said on June 19th, 2013 at 11:26 pm

10. Travel to 1960s and make sure Mark Cuban, instead of reading The Fountainhead, instead becomes obsessed with The Westing Game.

He might want to take a copy of The Westing Game with him, since the book wasn’t published until 1979, when Cuban was 21.

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mygif

It’s times like this when I really wish I knew basketball.

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Sisyphus said on June 20th, 2013 at 2:06 pm

Ah, but it’s times like all the time when Raptors fans really wish they’d never heard of basketball. It’s like being a Cleveland Browns fan or, for those more conversant with the NHL than the NFL, a Columbus Blue Jackets fan.

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Corrin Radd said on June 20th, 2013 at 10:32 pm

Easily the funniest thing you’ve written since those Civil War send ups. A+

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DensityDuck said on June 21st, 2013 at 3:41 am

“Linas Kleiza assassinates Dallas owner Mark Cuban.”

Noooo! My wife *loves* Shark Tank and she’d be miserable!

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FifthSurprise said on June 22nd, 2013 at 5:40 pm

The enemy’s hoop is down?

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