I was thinking the other day about how odd it is that political campaigns are treated mainly as conflicts in ideology, personality, and party affinity, when they’re basically job interviews…and before I could really get into that idea, even in the privacy of my own head, it struck me how absurd this political campaign has been in yet another way. Because I pictured Donald Trump interviewing for a job the same way he’s been running for President.
“Hi, it’s really great to be here, because I’m an amazing guy and I’m going to do a great job for you. Although I will say I’ve been treated very unfairly here–I mean, I don’t need this job. I’m very rich, I’m very successful, but all of my close personal friends have been saying how badly you’re running this business and how much you need me, so I decided to apply. And nobody here has given me the respect I deserve for that. But I’m a very big-hearted man, so I’ll let it go, but if you want me to continue this interview, you’re going to have to be more polite. That’s all I’m saying.
“Anyway, the point is, this business is gonna be yuuuge with me in charge. I’m a very smart man, I have great ideas, I’m going to build a big wall around your business to keep out all the riff-raff–you know, all the rapists and murderers that are just everywhere, and all the terrorists, I’m not gonna be afraid to say ‘radical Islam’ to your customers, your suppliers, pretty much everyone. I’m gonna be strong. Customers respect strength. If they bring in a coupon for 10% off, I might just decide to charge ’em double. Or kick ’em out of the building and kill their families. You can’t let people laugh at you. Everyone’s laughing at you right now, all of them, and you have to stop it.
“You should probably give guns to all your employees. Wouldn’t it be amazing if they were always armed, so they could defend themselves no matter where they went? I mean, in bars, while drinking, wherever. Guns are awesome. I have a gun, you know. I mean, I don’t need it, because everyone loves me, but if anyone did try anything, I could kill them. I’m very tough. Your other applicants, they don’t think I’m tough, they’ve been saying mean things about me, but that’s just because they’re all losers. Some of them, I think, should probably be in jail. But I’m not here to talk about them, because they’re all losers who should be in prison and I’m really the best candidate for this job.
“I’m the best candidate because I’m such a great businessman. I know everything about business. I ran a whole bunch of businesses, and I made money on all of them. Even the ones that went bankrupt. Some pathetic losers will make a big deal about all those bankruptcies, but they don’t know business the way I do and you don’t either. You probably need me to educate you in business. I run a few seminars, if you’ve got $45,000 to spare…but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about me. Because I’m a very smart guy, did I mention that? I’m very smart, I’m very successful, I’m very strong, and my fingers? Well, let’s just say there’s no problems there.
“I can already tell this interview is going great. I’m winning this interview. I’m winning it so much, I may just get tired of winning and quit the job before I even get it. I may decide once I have the job to hire someone to do the job while I get on with the important job of being me, which is very important because I’m such a great guy. I’m certainly going to make sure that once I get this job, everyone respects me. I’ll make it pretty damn tough on anyone who works here who doesn’t understand how great I am, believe me. That’s because I’m strong and I deserve respect.
“See, you’re calling for the security guards right now. I could kill them in the middle of Fifth Avenue and people would still love me–not that I would, but I could if I wanted to. I could also punch them, I’d really like to hit them but my good friends, they told me to let them drag me out of the building, they said that I needed to be the bigger man here, not like my enemies who should all be in jail because they’re losers, you should be kicking them out and not me, I’ll be back the next time you have a job opening, I know you’ll miss me…”