I’ve decided that this is now a regular feature here at mgk.com (well, until I get bored with it, but who knows how long that will take). Every week, we will return to the pages of Who’s Who, the classic 1980s DC comic book encyclopedia of their characters. Every week, they shall be judged on the only scale scientific enough that matters: the Rex The Wonder Dog scale.

Now, it is obvious that no character can approach Rex The Wonder Dog for sheer quality, so we need not worry about dispensing a 100% Rex rating, which is for Rex and Rex alone. But I believe we can create a sort of a field, if you will:

100 Percent Rex: Rex The Wonder Dog
99 Percent Rex: Batman, Superman
90 Percent Rex: Brainiac Five, The Shade
75 Percent Rex: Blue Devil (pre-”I’m cursed to be a demon” Blue Devil, obviously), Guy Gardner
60 Percent Rex: The All-New Atom, Hawkman (all of them)
45 Percent Rex: Booster Gold when he was in that mecha-armor suit
30 Percent Rex: Kid Quantum I, Hal Jordan (shut up, I have determined this through science)
10 Percent Rex: that sorta-vampire dude from Team Titans
.21 Percent Rex: Superboy-Prime post-insanity

So, now that you have an idea of the playing field, let us judge our first entrant.

Fun facts you may not have known about Roy Raymond, Television Detective:

1.) He legally changed his name to “Roy Raymond, Television Detective.” He had to sue Metropolis City Hall for the legal right to insert the comma in his name, and Raymond v. Metropolis was a groundbreaking case in the DC universe common-law tradition.

2.) Who’s Who claims that he “could be a great detective but prefers investigating different types of enigmas.” These include such mysteries as the Missing Fritos Of 10:30 and The Secret To Getting Into Julie From Accounting’s Pants.

3.) He gets more pussy than you do, and you’re just going to have to deal with that.

4.) Will Ferrell based his Ron Burgundy character off of Roy Raymond, Television Detective, only removing the “detective” part in final script rewrites to avoid legal trouble.

5.) Roy Raymond, Television Detective is so laid back, he breaks the fourth wall so he can lean against the side of his own panel.

And the final verdict is…

 Roy Raymond, Television Detective starts off with a high 65 rating for pure balls and also because he rocks that pipe like a motherfucker. However, his insistence on shouting things aloud like “by the Throne of Zeus!” over and over again got old after the first couple of movies times he did it, and this loses him eighteen points.

Posted on Thursday, March 20th, 2008 at 9:30 am in Who's Who, Bad Comedy, Comics. Subscribe to this post's comments RSS feed.