Vice-Presidential Prognosticatin’
Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic candidate for president in all but name, the nation turns to consider his nominee for Vice-President. Who should fill the role? There are, of course, many possibilities.
John Edwards
PROS:
- shared message of change and battle against entrenched corporate interests in Washington
- leading progressive figure in the Democratic party
- strengthens Obama’s support with white males
- helps in North Carolina, a potential swing state
- nice hair
CONS:
- track record of not quite, like, you know, winning elections
- suffers in the vital “people who hate sons of millworkers” demographic
Senator Jim Webb
PROS:
- helps in Virginia, a large swing state
- also helps with white males
- will energize Democratic fundraising across the board when he asks Veronica Lodge for help in the election
CONS:
- not exactly a pro-women’s rights candidate
- seen by many as too conservative a Democrat for such an important position
- will attract the attention of notable political dirty trickster Reggie Mantle
Senator Joe Lieberman
PROS:
- makes Obama look much, much taller
- theoretically helps with independent voters
- reassures voters that unpleasant-but-survivable status quo will remain essentially untouched
- his nomination would ensure that David Broder, David Brooks, George Will, and Mickey Kaus would all get such massive erections that they would die of lack of blood flow to the brain
CONS:
- is Joe Lieberman
- no, seriously, is Joe Lieberman
Alice Cooper
PROS:
- will introduce America to desperately needed alternative diets, IE, eating a snake live on stage
- no way in hell anybody tries to assassinate Obama now
- campaign will be the first campaign in history to have good theme music
CONS:
- campaigned against John Kerry in 2004, could depress base
- “School’s Out” evidences dangerous potential for interest in school privatization, which could hurt campaign with teacher’s unions
- may steal Michelle Obama’s mascara
Optimus Prime
PROS:
- heroic
- beloved by millions of people
- doesn’t need his own Secret Service detail, as he is a giant battle robot
- can voice over his own ads and it will be awesome
CONS:
- Energon needs may betray problematic views on energy policy
- although technically able to assume presidency on grounds that adoption of current big-rig transformed form counts as a “rebirth” and it happened on American soil, expect a court challenge to his viability
- predictable target of negative ads: “How Do We Know He Will Not Go Insane And Try To Exterminate Humanity?”
- likely Megatron endorsement of John McCain in response
13th President of the United States Millard Fillmore
PROS:
- adds disaffected Whigs and Know-Nothings to Obama’s crossover appeal
- counters Obama’s perceived weakness with white males by appealing to vital slave-owning demographic
- has already taken over from one President, so ready on day one should Obama die of “hypothermia” (wink wink)
- “Millard Fillmore” one of the rare names which makes “Barack Obama” sound downright normal
CONS:
- has been dead for 134 years
- probably smells pretty bad now
A Kitty
PROS:
- Awwwww! Lookit da kitty!
- KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY
- Whosagoodboynow? Whosagoodboynow? YOU are! Yes YOU are!
CONS:
- no, you can’t have any of my tuna
- seriously, get away from my food, cat
- aw, dammit, I thought we litterbox-trained this little bastard already
Monsieur Ting!, Mime Extraordinare
PROS:
- will revolutionize energy policy by teaching America to harness “invisible wind” power
- will never, ever say anything embarrassing to the campaign
- and yet, remarkably eloquent!
CONS:
- predictable “France-lover” attacks
- tendency to get stuck in invisible box
- tends to see world in black-and-white
Dr. Perry Cox
PROS:
- antiwar credibility: opposed war from beginning
- almost always right about everything
- gives additional credibility on healthcare reform
- likely to be absolutely overpowering in vice-presidential debate
CONS:
- kind of a jerk
- personal life (unmarried common-law relationship with two kids) somewhat colorful for a potential nominee
- predilection of calling Obama “Newbie”
M’Kha-ane, AKA “The Martian John McCain”
PROS:
- Sacrificed greatly in Spleeg-Vurtm War, was in Spleeg prisoner of war camp for 27 astrocycles but did not talk; shows character
- Telepathic powers of great tactical value to the campaign
- Will bring a lot to the table in interplanetary trade agreements
- makes Obama seem less exotic
CONS:
- religious beliefs (member, Church of Xygyyszzz the Conqueror Undying) may prove thorny issue in campaign
- refuses to share vital raygun technology with Army researchers
- feeds exclusively on juices found in human spleen
- cannot lift arms above head due to differences in Martian anatomy
The Entire State of Ohio
PROS:
- guarantees crucial swing state of Ohio in November
- earns points with neighboring states which will feel more important
- two words: fried cheese
CONS:
- Ohio kind of sucks
- you just know Florida is going to get jealous
- difficulty of fitting entire state into Naval Observatory
Lex Luthor
PROS:
- captain of industry, genius scientist
- swings Kansas firmly into Democratic column
- can fund many downticket races on his own dime if asked
CONS:
- may force Superman to support Republican candidate
- obsession with Kryptonite collection worrying
- serial cake theft evidences potential kleptomania
An Enormous Sundae
PROS:
- gains support of entire dairy industry
- as well as corn industry (syrups)
- is extremely delicious
CONS:
- promotes unhealthiness in American diet
- may alienate millions of lactose-intolerant Americans
- engages partisanship in base, who would prefer to see Gigantic Stack Of Waffles as nominee instead
Kcarab Amabo, AKA The Mirror Universe Barack Obama
PROS:
- All of the genius and inspiration of Barack Obama
- Just as likeable as Barack Obama
- In a pinch can replace Barack Obama if he shaves his goatee
CONS:
- Evil
- Like, whoa, totally evil
- We are so not kidding about the evil
SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON
PROS:
- yep, there are some
CONS:
- yep, there are some
May 19th, 2008 la 9:46 am
While I am a resident of the state of Virginia and have come to witness at close range the unfettered awesomeness that is Senator Jim Webb, I have to admit, Optimus Prime would be an even better choice. The fact that Prime doesn’t have a mouth will prevent him from jamming his foot into it, for one thing. Also, the gun lobbies can hardly argue the cred of a guy who carries around a twenty-foot long laser blaster at all times.
May 19th, 2008 la 10:33 am
I’m still voting ROM.
May 19th, 2008 la 10:40 am
Man, even here Bill Richardson can’t get any love.
Though Optimus Prime’s only real handicap is the fact he’d clearly overshadow Obama, to me. Besides, hasn’t Megatron endorsed McCain already? They’re about the same age…
May 19th, 2008 la 11:56 am
I’d vote Obama/Howard The Duck.
May 19th, 2008 la 12:10 pm
As an Ohioan I can agree that Ohio does kinda suck. =D
And yes, Florida would be jealous, like majorly so.
May 19th, 2008 la 1:15 pm
- serial cake theft evidences potential kleptomania
Dude, it was one time. One time! He just happened to take some cakes. And even he now admits, in retrospect, that it was terrible.
On the other hand, he may have some difficulty proving that he hasn’t already been president, and while I’m not exactly up to speed on my US Constitution, I’m fairly certain they’d disallow him for that even if he didn’t take a second term.
I could be wrong, of course. Still, so long as General Zod and Christopher Walken stick with their independent tickets the Obama-Luthor partnership gets my hypothetical vote.
May 19th, 2008 la 1:25 pm
I believe Megatron already supports the Republicans. I mean the Decepticons and the Conservatives have the exact same views on the environment, energy, military applications, and personal responsibility.
May 19th, 2008 la 1:38 pm
I was skeptical when Jim Webb became the Democratic candidate for the Senate. But throughout his campaign he blew me away. I am so proud to be one of his constituents. He would be an awesome VP candidate and destroy whatever Repub was put up to run with McCain.
May 19th, 2008 la 2:00 pm
Shame on you, sir.
No Obama/Rex the Wonder Dog ticket?
May 19th, 2008 la 2:02 pm
Actually Optimus Prime would still qualify for the Vice-presidency as he was on american soil at the time of the writing of the constitution. He just happened to be trapped in a mountain in a multi-million year coma.
May 19th, 2008 la 2:11 pm
this would be good if it weren’t ripped off from here:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2004/5/26moe.html
May 19th, 2008 la 2:13 pm
With regard to M’Kha-ane, a Martian astrocycle is only about 1.2 days, so an imprisonment of 27 of them is about as impressive as doing 30 days in county lockup for whupping some clown who was eyeing your lady.
May 19th, 2008 la 3:07 pm
I am a little depressed that Optimus is like, fictional and all. Man, that would be an awesome ticket.
May 19th, 2008 la 3:16 pm
Is it just me or does Kcarab Amabo, look a bit like Chris Rock?
May 19th, 2008 la 3:28 pm
Mr. Steele: you think this item is a ripoff of a McSweeney’s piece? Well, hold on to your hair, because I’ve just discovered that this whole “Christopher Bird goes to law school” storyline is, shall we say, similarly inspired.
May 19th, 2008 la 4:05 pm
Obama/Wayne. You’d have tons of money, a ladykiller for the female demographic, and the cleanest campaign ever!
I choose Kathleen Sebelius. Or, if Barack gets Prime, McCain would pick Voltron.
May 19th, 2008 la 4:32 pm
Perry Cox! Perry! Flippin’! Cox!
I liked this piece better than the McSweeney one. There were pictures. I liiiike pictures.
May 19th, 2008 la 4:54 pm
You know, I never even saw the McSweeney’s piece before? Now I am feeling all, like, that guy who wrote a novel and then found out somebody else wrote the exact same sort of novel but he didn’t know about it. That guy. Yeah.
Will: Former Presidents may take office a second time so long as they are eligible under the 22nd Amendment by not having been elected twice or served one elected term plus one term of more than two years having succeeded a former President as veep. So Lex - ousted from office just prior to his reelection campaign - is good to go!
lance lunchmeat: Rex the Wonder Dog cannot be contained by mere political office. He transcends leadership.
May 19th, 2008 la 5:04 pm
When did Dayton move from Montgomery County (of which it used to be the seat) to the southeast part of neighboring Greene County?
May 19th, 2008 la 5:09 pm
One minor issue with Alice Cooper: He’s a beer-swilling Republican. Voted for Nixon, in fact.
May 19th, 2008 la 5:21 pm
Thank you for not doing an entry for Rick Astley.
May 19th, 2008 la 5:56 pm
I do believe McCain/Kittens was a Daily Show ensured ticket.
Are kitties better democrats?
May 19th, 2008 la 5:57 pm
Victor Von Doom.
Our strained relationship with Latvaria desperately needs healing.
May 19th, 2008 la 6:33 pm
Victor Von Doom doesn’t have American citizenship.
May 19th, 2008 la 6:41 pm
Sebelius doesn’t bring Kansas into play. Bob Dole doesn’t bring Kansas into play. And even if they did, it’s still…Kansas.
K-Seb still ranks #3 on the VP power rankings, just below Bayh and Clark, I think. Bayh brings Ohio if not fully into the blue then leaning strongly, and Clark would be a good opening move against the war-hero overture the GOP’s tuning up for. Sebelius didn’t do a good job of distinguishing herself before a national audience after the SOTU address, but she’s leaving office soon, and she’d be a good choice for addressing those internal divisions (which aren’t going to go out and vote for McCain anyway, but I’m not going to drive through this running current of petulance because I’m not absolutely certain how deep it is).
May 19th, 2008 la 7:27 pm
“Monsieur Ting! …tends to see the world in black and white.” — is there a politician who doesn’t?
May 19th, 2008 la 7:39 pm
carla: Here’s the answer to your question about kitties being democrats:
http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/103262.html
May 19th, 2008 la 8:28 pm
Man excellent job referencing the Super Hero Dictionary.
May 19th, 2008 la 9:04 pm
[…] Vice-Presidential Prognosticatin’ Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic candidate for president in all but name, the nation turns to consider his nominee for Vice-President. Who should fill the role? There are, of course, many possibilities. […]
May 19th, 2008 la 9:40 pm
I know I’m the only person in the world that thinks this, but Mike Huckabee would be an awesome running-mate.
* Reaches across the isle in keeping with core Obama message, particularly on working around wedge issues
* Huckabee has a proven record as a solution-driven pragmatist
* Appeals to the hotly-disputed popcorn-fried-squirrel-eating voter block.
May 19th, 2008 la 9:59 pm
[…] A list of Vice-Presidential nominees for Obama to consider with their pros and cons, including John Edwards, Joe Liberman, Hilary Clinton, Alice Cooper, Optimus Prime and Dr.Perry Cox! […]
May 19th, 2008 la 10:29 pm
@supergp: Latveria is actually U.S. soil, if Doom should will it. Don’t mess with a man with a time machine.
May 19th, 2008 la 10:57 pm
Although Optimus has to be my sentimental choice, I would love to see Perry Cox in a two-hour televised debate against, well, *anyone*.
May 19th, 2008 la 11:19 pm
On the side, how did Richardson get overlooked?
OK, to balance the ticket, need
a white
seems conservative, but with a liberal following, too.
someone who could be devastating in a vp debate — and even get people to watch it
The choice is obvious: Stephen Colbert. Now, if we could get him to do a sex change operation…
May 20th, 2008 la 12:34 am
[…] Obama/Optimus Prime 08 via waxy (tags: funny politics obama optimusprime) […]
May 20th, 2008 la 1:36 am
my dream ticket?
Barack Obama/Steve Rogers
Rogers’ pros:
he punched Hitler
he’s a progressive with a strong record
cons:
promotion may invite an inter-dimensional zombie invasion
is sure to ruin ties between the US and The Red Skull that the Bush administration worked so hard to create!!
May 20th, 2008 la 1:36 am
or, y’know, Obama/Edwards… Obama/Edwards would be nice, too…
May 20th, 2008 la 10:30 am
[…] also, Obama with a Kitty as running mate. (Personally, I’d like to see Kcarab Amabo, AKA The Evil Mirror Universe […]
May 20th, 2008 la 11:06 am
I would love to see Perry Cox in a two-hour televised debate against, well, *anyone*.
Second.
May 20th, 2008 la 12:09 pm
I’m backing Doom. Just think of all the soldier’s lives saved when he uses Doombots to fight the Iraq war!
May 20th, 2008 la 4:17 pm
We all know the Democrat vote will be critically divided, because Cobra Commander and Destro are running on the independent ticket, and McCain is so Pro-G.I.Joe it hurts.
May 20th, 2008 la 4:18 pm
Though Cobra does share a number of core values in common with the G.O.P. Hmmmm! It could still be anyone’s election!
May 22nd, 2008 la 10:20 pm
This was fantastically long. Due dilligence, inDEED!
May 23rd, 2008 la 1:34 am
[…] Obama’s Vice-Presidential Possibilities “A Kitty. PROS: Awwwww! Lookit da kitty! KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY Whosagoodboynow? Whosagoodboynow? YOU are! Yes YOU are! CONS: no, you can’t have any of my tuna. seriously, get away from my food, cat.” (tags: hysterical funny cute politics) Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. […]
May 24th, 2008 la 12:31 am
[…] “Vice-Presidential Prognosticatin’: Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic candidate for pr… Barack Obama-Optimus Prime! (tags: 2008_Candidates) […]
May 24th, 2008 la 1:30 am
[…] It is now widely reported that Barack Obama is looking for a running mate. I found this site, which might save all of you speculators some […]
May 24th, 2008 la 2:01 am
Definitely Stephen Colbert. My two heroes on one ticket!
May 25th, 2008 la 12:16 am
A Kitty
PROS:
- Awwwww! Lookit da kitty!
- KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY
- Whosagoodboynow? Whosagoodboynow? YOU are! Yes YOU are!
Public will vote for u to haz cheezburger finally
CONS:
- no, you can’t have any of my tuna
- seriously, get away from my food, cat
- aw, dammit, I thought we litterbox-trained this little bastard already
Cheezburger is an American staple and you no haz one soes u lose
May 25th, 2008 la 4:20 am
[…] a ticket I could vote for. From a run-down of all Obamas’ options for a running mate at MightyGodKing. May 25th, 2008 by Zack | Posted in Miscellany […]
May 27th, 2008 la 4:00 am
Perry Cox
Pro: would kick a#$ in a debate.
Con: you’d have to keep him off the campaign trail.
May 27th, 2008 la 11:58 am
Isn’t Alice Cooper a personal friend of John McCain? I know for a fact that he is a gold member of that exclusive club of celebrity republicans.
May 27th, 2008 la 1:51 pm
[…] you don’t like that choice, here’s more suggestions, such as the evil Obama from the mirror universe, Lex Luthor, or Optimus […]
May 27th, 2008 la 3:20 pm
[…] (Via Mighty God King). Hee. hee.. Chuckle it […]
May 27th, 2008 la 3:34 pm
[…] Barack Obama shares the stage with some potential Vice-Presidential candidates. […]
May 27th, 2008 la 5:18 pm
Princess Leia.
Pros:
*Political experience
*Would be first female vice president, making peace with Clinton supporters hoping to break glass ceiling
*Longtime critic of Dick Cheney (who, as we all know, is Darth Vader with a heart condition)
Cons:
*Born a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, not in the States.
*The “Gold Bikini” pictures scandalize/arouse religious conservatives. (Protests that she had been kidnapped dismissed by conservative claims that she was “asking for it, being a woman and all.”)
*Kissed her brother that one time. Ew!
May 27th, 2008 la 5:53 pm
[…] passer le temps, il y a l’alternative relevée par Andrew Sullivan (qui d’autre?): ce site qui va plus loin que d’autres dans l’examen des […]
May 28th, 2008 la 7:43 am
[…] Mightygodking.com » Blog Archive » Vice-Presidential Prognosticatin. […]
June 2nd, 2008 la 6:41 pm
what, what happened to Mike Bloomberg,
seriously
June 9th, 2008 la 8:32 am
Screw Obama, vote for Optimus Prime for president!
http://www.uglycouchshow.com/optimusprime.php
June 15th, 2008 la 10:26 am
Obama should take Houston Mayor Bill White for VP nominee. White organized and led the effort in Houston to rescue more than 250,000 people from the New Orleans area after Hurricane Katrina and 3 weeks later did the same for victims of Hurricane Rita in the Beaumont-Port Arthur-Orange (TX) area. His nomination would highlight the Bush administration’s inability to care for our citizens during that crisis.
White is renowned locally and state-wide as a bridge builder and consensus former. He was state party chairman at one point long ago. And with him on the ballot the Dems will no doubt carry Texas and likely will elect Rick Noriega as Senator as well.
June 28th, 2008 la 1:26 am
Wesley Clark!
Remember Wesley Clark who ran for President in 2004? He would be the perfect VP. His Military experience as a 4 star General in the US Army would quiet ALL the critics about Obama’s inexperience. Plus he is just a sensible guy, well spoken person in his own rite. Check out his new webpage:
http://www.securingamerica.com/