FLAPJACKS: So how about that Game of Thrones preview?
ME: I saw it already.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, so how about it?
ME: It was fine.
FLAPJACKS: “It was fine.”
ME: Yep.
FLAPJACKS: Here we are, about to embark on the great nerd adventure of our generation –
ME: I think technically this isn’t our generation anymore.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe for you. I am filled with the power of youth.
ME: Ew.
FLAPJACKS: I am all about that Justin Bieber. His pop songs amuse and delight.
ME: Okay, now you’re just kind of sad.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway, here we are about to embark on this great nerd adventure and you’re playing it all cool? Come on, you aren’t fooling anybody. The arrows that they’re shooting have been individually fletched! That is attention to detail!
ME: True.
FLAPJACKS: Are you one of those people who can’t bring themselves to be enthusiastic because you think the books will never be finished?
ME: No, I think Martin will finish the books. He has additional incentive now.
FLAPJACKS: He didn’t before? It’s a crazy successful fantasy series.
ME: There is fantasy nerd money, and then there is HBO TV series money. Martin is now getting the second sort of money. It is a better sort of money that is never spent on anime-girl-boobs-mousepads. This sort of money does not know that steampunk is a thing. It thinks Wild Wild West is steampunk. It is well-bred money, and therefore infinitely superior. Once you have some of that money, you will do anything to keep getting it.
FLAPJACKS: So what you’re saying is that now he’s going to get a lot more money and really finish the books.
ME: Basically, yes. And if he dies early –
FLAPJACKS: Because he’s a fatty?
ME: I was going to skip over probable causes, myself.
FLAPJACKS: It’s not my fault the greatest fantasy writer of our time looks like a decrepit hobo.
ME: Be nice.
FLAPJACKS: Well, he does. I bet his train name is “Sidecar King George The Third.”
ME: Anyway, if he dies early, Hollywood will pay somebody a lot of money to finish the books from his notes. Probably Brandon Sanderson or Kevin Anderson or someone whose name rhymes with either of them. If you’re a fantasy writer looking to make it in the big leagues finishing other peoples’ work, you could do worse than to change your name to “Ganderson.”
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but what if he doesn’t finish the books in time for the series to get made on time?
ME: I’m not worried about that.
FLAPJACKS: But it took him six years and counting to write the fifth book. He’s got at best five years before the TV series catches up. Can he write two books in that time? How can you not be worried about that?
ME: Two reasons. Firstly, the TV series has smartly aged-up some of the kiddie characters, which was a good idea anyway because nobody really wants to see TV where people we would reasonably consider little kids are brutally assaulted or forced into arranged marriages.
FLAPJACKS: I’m sure there are fantasy nerds who would disagree and say that’s exactly what they want to see.
ME: Yes, but they are bad people. And second, I don’t think the TV series will last long enough to make it through to the end of the books, even if Martin gets them all finished on time.
FLAPJACKS: You don’t think it’s good? I watched the preview! The Others look like demon-zombies that you barely see! Sean Bean says “winter is coming” and it is absolutely perfect! Peter Dinklage is Tyrion and fulfills an entire internet’s worth of fantasy casting just by his very existence!
ME: No, I think it’s excellent. And I’ve seen the whole pilot already.
FLAPJACKS: How –
ME: TV critic.
FLAPJACKS: And you didn’t invite me over to watch them?
ME: Confidentiality agreement.
FLAPJACKS: You never care about those.
ME: I do with the HBO ones. HBO sends you a lot of awesome stuff if you’re a TV critic. I got to see the entirety of The Pacific six weeks before it aired. That was pretty sweet. I’m not messing up that deal.
FLAPJACKS: But if it’s so good why don’t you think it’ll last? Is this you being a cynic and believing nothing is good in human nature again?
ME: Not at all.
FLAPJACKS: So you believe now that people have generally good taste?
ME: Don’t be stupid. No, I think Game of Thrones will be popular. But I don’t think it’ll be popular enough. It has to justify its crazy high costs. Those individually fletched arrows don’t grow on trees, you know. They had to go out in the woods to find a crazy old man to fletch them some arrows, and then the crazy old man charged them six barrels of moonshine per arrow because he knew city folks when he saw them. And everything else costs money too: the CGI backdrops, the costuming, the armor, the stuntwork, all of it. We haven’t even seen a battle scene yet. Imagine how much money that’s going to cost!
FLAPJACKS: Maybe they could do everything with CGI sets like Star Wars.
ME: Listen to yourself.
FLAPJACKS: I retract my previous statement.
ME: Good. But here’s the truth: HBO will give this a lot of traction because it’s a prestige product that will draw eyeballs and get critics to jizz themselves. But that only goes so far: networks still gotta make dollars, and this show will need to be the next Sopranos or twice as better to break even.
FLAPJACKS: That’s depressing. Hey, can I borrow some peanut oil? I want to try a new stirfry recipe with my wok.
ME: …you mean my wok.
FLAPJACKS: I’m almost sure you’re wrong about that.
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Great article. I feel similar, but maybe a little more hopeful. 🙂
I think if you don’t and get the damnable wok back then ownership reverts to the person who has been using it for years now. At least I’d imagine thats how ownership works in a Commie country like Canada…
How was Wild Wild West not steampunk?
Steampunk is NOT a thing. Or at least, it should gracefully give up being a thing because enough already. I’m not ashamed of having zombiepocalypse and robopocalypse plans (because doughy near-sighted asthmatics NEVER fare well in zombie attacks, it’s important to have a plan just in case), but do I really have to make up a steampocalypse plan? Ugh.
Also, your job may give you cool previews, but my crappy job got me a free wok. Suck it!
I recommend Sesame Oil for most stir-fry endeavors, FWIW.
In the finest internet tradition of my people (the rules-lawyering nerds) I shall ignore the main point of this article in favor of nit-picking. As my esteemed colleague Zenrage has already so eloquently asked…
How is Wild Wild West NOT steampunk? Seriously. It might have been BAD, but it was certainly steampunk. It had a Confederate General in a wheelchair equipped with backwards-firing guns as a self-defense measure! It had a GIANT MECHANICAL SPIDER threaten a frontier town. The only way it could have been more steampunk is if Kevin Kline had had a monocle that was also a targeting reticule and Will Smith had had a gear on his hat.
ROME was pretty good and had the sort of detail THRONES is going to have. They cancelled it after two seasons because it was crazy expensive–even though BBC footed some of the bill!
That does not bode well for THRONES.
HBO obviously needs to be way more prudent in distributing their moonshine reserves. That stuff doesn’t grow on trees, you know: it comes down from the sky, and it is not at all easy to trap. I’ve been trying for months now. It’s wreaking hell on my sleep cycles.
This is something that fans of the books have been chewing over since the show was announced. It is, of course, possible that the show won’t make it to seven (or whatever) seasons. But the outlook isn’t as dismal as you might expect for a few reasons.
First of all, the expense-per-episode of GoT is surprisingly small. It’s still a lavish production and all, but apparently the whole first season only cost $45 million, due in particular to tax breaks they recieved for filming in Ireland. This chart compares the budget of a number of shows, and yes, both Rome and Deadwood were more expensive. Rome was a LOT more expensive, actually–that show was apparently a bit of a runaway monster that wasted a lot of money. The general impression seems to be that GoT is making a distinct effort to keep things reasonable, budget-wise. And while there are some budget-busting aspects coming up in the story, I imagine they have some idea how to keep things sane.
Furthermore, even with the huge budget of Rome and Deadwood, HBO has since said that they regret pulling the plug on both those shows, since they’ve done well on DVD, something that’s a particularly big part of HBO’s profit model now. After all, they own these shows in their entirety and continue to profit off them for years after they’ve aired.
Finally…there’s every reason to believe GoT will be a big hit. Sopranos big? I have no idea, though “True Blood big” seems more than within range–I believe that’s HBO’s most highly rated show at the moment, and it’s arguably their geekiest as well, which is a good sign. The early buzz on GoT seems pretty huge–it’s hard to say for sure, but it certainly looks like a lot of people are subscribing to HBO to watch it, which is the most important thing for ratings purposes, and there are persistent rumours that HBO has already greenlit season 2.
Obviously, if it bombs, it bombs. But I think there’s more than enough evidence to suggest that it’s got enough momentum to go the distance.
“ROME was pretty good and had the sort of detail THRONES is going to have. They cancelled it after two seasons because it was crazy expensive–even though BBC footed some of the bill!”
I knew Rome was doomed when they killed off that Ceaser guy, he was easily the most interesting character and once they lost him the whole show seemed to lose its direction.
@Kid Kyoto: *slow clap*
How is Wild Wild West NOT steampunk? Seriously. It might have been BAD, but it was certainly steampunk.
Wait – was he talking about the movie or the TV show?
I thought he was bagging on one of the best TV shows ever made, but if he was just slamming that crappy Will Smith movie …
That bit at the end only reinforces the idea that Flapjacks is merely the alternative personality of Christopher/MGK. Or some sort of evil twin from a parallel universe of evil twins only that they’re just silly and not evil.
Is it wrong that I was hoping Rome might go alternate-history, and decide not to kill off Caesar? Ciaran Hinds was too good to get all stabbed up like that.
“…or Kevin Anderson…”
What, you want the hypothetical posthumous continuation/conclusion to just flat-out suck rotting zombie taint?
It will be revealed in the Kevin Anderson penned Winter Is Here, that the Targaryens and the Starks intermarried quite frequently, and thus Jon Snow is 99.999% Targaryen, which will be just enough for Daenarys.
Also, somehow, the swords will rise up and revolt.
I dunno… I kinda liked Dune: House Atreides…
But just think, if it does Really, really well then we might see the endlessly cooler Malazan Book of the Fallen CGI someday? Eh eh?
I doubt that’ll ever happen Matt. Given how hard it is to even pimp out Gardens of the Moon to people who claim to love that kinda novel. (My tactic of hitting them over the head with the book seems to not work very well)
That’s why you should always start ’em with Deadhouse Gates. It’s no more confusing, and I have yet to meet anyone who isn’t wearing that mindblown expression by the end of the Chain of Dogs.
On topic, I’ve tried and repeatedly failed to get into Game of Thrones. I tend to get about halfway through it before realising that I dislike almost every character in the book, and that I’m not someone who enjoys the “awful people do awful things to each other and to the designated victim-characters” genre.
@Matt D: I don’t think endless monologues on being weary of the world and general philosophy from *everybody* work so much on TV.
@Flypaper: Really? There are actually a good number of characters with very strong moral convictions in Martins books. Jon Snow, Danaerys Targaryen, Eddard Stark, Sam Tarly and so on. They may not be perfect, but who is?
Compared to, say, the “Prince of Nothing” series, by R. Scot Bakker, where every character is a total dick, a lot of the ASoIaF characters come off much better.
@Skwid: I thought the sesame oil was for flavoring, not for the basic stir-frying procedure (it usually has a lower smoke point than peanut oil).
Jon Snow, the presenter of Channel 4 News?
… Probably not, in context.
I would like to argue the greatest fantasy writer claim there. Counter-point is… Terry Pratchett.
@flypaper- I might add Tyrion and Jamie Lannister to that list.
I just wanna see Elijah Snow punch a bitch. Is this so much to ask?
I just want to see Elijah Snow punch a bitch. That’s a;;/
RE: Rome. hehe, funny but as good as Ciaran Hinds was (and kudos to them for NOT doing the Senate scene everyone’s seen anyway), to me where ROME went off the rails was replacing Max Perkis as Octavian.
I’m a fan of both George R.R. Martin and Terry Pratchett and I think the greatest living fantasy writer is Guy Gavriel Kay, although I’m willing to listen to arguments for Jack Vance.
I’m one of those bad people who want kid characters, and who believe that some of the scenes in the books won’t be translated faithfully to the screen(due to the lack of shiny moonshines).
I haven’t watch the show yet, only preview(which pumped and brought back my expectations to life), maybe because I’m waiting for the DVD when the steam of raving critics cool down.
But I would rather watch mini episodes of MGK and Flapjacks just talking. It would be worth barrels and barels of moonshine.
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