Torontoist asked me to review the OIRPD’s report on police overreaction during the G20 summit here in Toronto, so I did.

Zach Butler, a while back, asked:

So how’s being a lawyer going?

Well. I work here.

The thing about family law that the casual reader may not understand is that in law school, I’m pretty sure there isn’t another branch of law where you will hear more horror stories – many of them from former family lawyers who got out – about the practice of family law. You have to really be dedicated to the idea of practicing in it to want to do it while you’re still in law school, which makes my roundabout way of having become a family lawyer (I certainly never planned on it when I went to law school) all the more odd. I recently attended the Ontario Bar Association’s annual family law conference, and was struck by the age of the participants: I’m not exactly a kid any more but even so, I was still one of the younger lawyers there. Granted, the entire Ontario bar at this point is aging, it seems, but the family law bar is definitely older than many other subsectors of law, and I think young lawyers being scared away from it has something to do with that.

This is not to say that it is not emotional and difficult work. It is, and I had to learn early on to not take it home with me. A lot of people can’t do that – find that line where caring about your client and wanting the best for them stops at where it becomes onerous on your own emotional health. I can do it, though – that’s quite obvious to me at this point. (I’m not sure what that says about me personally.)

Clients can and will lie to you – most of them will do so unwittingly because they have become to believe their narrative so firmly that the points where said narrative is not really true in the classic sense will become lost to them, but every so often you deal with the client who just straight-up lies to you because they’ve realized that, as a lawyer, you actually aren’t allowed to lie on their behalf, as so many people assume is the case. I can not proactively mention details that are pertinent to my client’s case in a proceeding, but I can’t lie about the existence of those details.¹ But the active liars are easier to deal with than the self-convincers, frankly, because the self-convincers are, well. convinced. Most of the time, it is not so great an issue that it can’t be resolved. A lot of people just need their lawyer to tell them “this is how it is” and be a sympathetic but firm voice of reason. But sometimes it is an issue.

Ultimately, I like the work. I don’t know if it’s my life’s work per se, but I’m going to do it for a while because, well, I’m kind of good at it. The emotional thing aside, I quite like the fact that in family law, being somebody’s counsel isn’t just an empty word: I have to talk with my clients about much more than legal strategy because a large part of practicing family law in Ontario is explaining to clients that it doesn’t matter how much they might loathe their ex at this point: if they had kids together (and practically all of our casework involves custody in some way), then the other parent of your children is going to be a part of your life for the next twenty years regardless of how custody and access plays out because, hey, you had kids together, and the province takes the view that, where a parent isn’t abusive, it’s in the best interests of the kids to get to have a relationship with that parent. Which means you’re just going to keep seeing them. Which means part of my job, as a lawyer, is to get clients to accept that and move on – help them get past the emotional pain of the end of a relationship and work them through the five stages as quickly as possible so they can get to “acceptance” for their own sake. I’m not going to do all of their counselling – I’m not a therapist – but I have to be mindful of it. And I quite like the fact that my work is hands-on in that sense.

1. In many ways lawyering is much like being an Aes Sedai in Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series. Yes, I said that with a straight face. [↩]

Black Mage: Does Thomas Mulcair have a good shot of winning the next Canadian election? Is it a better/worse shot than any of the other NDP contenders?

I would say yes and I don’t know, respectively. I think Mulcair is perhaps better positioned to leech votes from the centre than any other of the NDP candidates were and he’ll protect the new Quebec base, but the fact that he is from Quebec will be at least a slight negative in the West because they get incredibly pissy about that. I think on balance he was the best choice, not because he of geography or politics, but because he’s a political gut-punch fighter, and that’s what going to be necessary until the next election. But the NDP bench was really deep this time around (due in large part to Jack Layton making sure that it would be), so Mulcair is just the best of a strong lot.

supergp: If you were going to write a big comic crossover event, what would your premise be?

Old DC: Probably something involving most of the major heroes being mind-controlled with Starro or whatever and a few stragglers left to save the day. Probably including Empress, Major Disaster, and Geist the Twilight Man as some of the rebel fringe. (Yes, I know both MD and Geist were supposedly killed in Infinite Crisis. My answer to that is simple: “nuh-uh.”)

New DC: Something that brings back the old DC.

Marvel: Victor Von Doom. Infinity Gauntlet. *drops mic*

JDR: Can you compare Canada to some country(ies) that aren’t the USA?

Well, we’re colder than Botswana, freer than Yemen, less blonde than Sweden, better at parking than Italy, have less Japanese people than Japan, have better McDonald’s than Australia, less jiggly at most times than Brazil, less shaky than Djibouti, less class-riddled than England, have more Tamils working as line cooks than Sri Lanka (seriously, in Toronto Tamils fill the same role that the various Central American immigrants do in American kitchens; one of my former roommates, a sous chef and thoroughly white dude, spoke decent Tamil), easier to pronounce than Kyrgyzstan, less desert-y than the Western Sahara, and our French bears only a slight resemblance to France’s French. How’s that?

Greg Morrow: What is the most important difference between the constitutional laws of Canada and the United States? Not the procedural stuff about how the legislature is constituted, but the substantive stuff about civil rights and limited government power.

Probably the existence of s.1 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, the limitations clause. (Which, for the uninitiated, allows the government to pass laws which limit individual rights, so long as those laws are relatively specific and enumerated and that the limitation is justifiable in a free and democratic society.) It prevents a lot of “this absolute principle is clashing with that other absolute principle” confusion that arises whenever rights collide with other rights, which actually happens just about all the time. Of course, I know more than a few Constititional scholars who absolutely loathe the existence of s.1, so who knows.

Der Whelk: Is there an old series or property out there you think deserves and would be a perfect for a big budget re-make?

It’s not so much a remake as it is a continuation or sequel or even logical endpoint: Quantum Leap.

You would still have Scott Bakula as Sam Beckett, clearly having aged in real time from the end of the show, leaping from life to life, his memories continually fogged, and you would still have Al traveling alongside him, guiding him in his tasks, and that would be the first quarter of the movie or so – maybe one or two quick leaps – and then Sam jumps into a timeframe he shouldn’t be able to jump into normally, a time well after his death would have occurred. Something has gone wrong in the quantum stream. Somebody is interfering. Al is completely panicked and Sam is at a loss.

And that’s when he meets a second Leaper – one Al recognizes, not that he can tell Sam this – and although Sam doesn’t quite understand it, suddenly they’re working together to do something he can’t quite understand. The three of them are now leaping together, and every time she reminds him of what’s been happening so he doesn’t lose track. She’s working with slightly more advanced technology than Sam is, but even her advances aren’t enough for her to do what she needs to do, so she has enlisted Sam’s help. Two Leapers, working in tandem across multiple times, can pull it off. There’s no other way.

What has happened? Thanks to the interference of the second Leaper (who is much younger than Sam), Sam has traveled into her timeline. This leaper dies much, much later than Sam will – a century or more later – and this means she and Sam, together, can effect the events necessary for a future Leaper to leap backwards and give her the technology she so desperately needs to return Sam home. And so the present changes the future changes the past changes the present…

…because Sam Beckett’s daughter wants her father back.

So the L.A. City Council voting to require male pornographic actors to use condoms has been getting play from around the internet, including the nigh-mandatory Reason article that thinks it is much funnier than it in fact is. Seriously, reading that post just made me feel bad. You could tell the writer thought they were coming up with really awesome zingers, and sadly the zingers are not that awesome and in fact are sad and predictable.¹

Let’s be clear: this regulation won’t work. It won’t work because there’s no viable enforcement mechanism, which you kind of need in order to enforce municipal regulations.² It won’t work because it’s a local regulation in an industry which is, to an extent, notoriously mobile. (Even were this regulation federal – numerous porn producers already book time in the tropics and shoot multiple features in a row there. There is no reason this practice would not continue and/or expand.) And it won’t work because the performers – both male and female – mostly don’t want to use them, because pornographic sex takes a lot longer than regular sex and, to put it bluntly, there are chafing issues when condoms are used.

But the spirit of the regulation, at least, is welcome. I don’t believe there’s another economic sector that is as large and as under-regulated as porn is, which is the product of a public that is not willing to admit they mostly use porn regularly and equally not willing to stop using it. The result is an industry whose exploitation of young just-off-the-bus girls has become a well-known joke, where worker protection is essentially nonexistent and where HIV flareups are, sadly, not uncommon.³ We should demand a healthier, safer work environment for pornographic actors, because all it will do is make the industry better. (People who worry about whether better treatment of women within the industry could result in less wild porn should consider that some of the raunchiest and craziest pornographers working today are women. I won’t link here, but Google “Burning Angel” or “Ovidie” or even Nina Hartley.)

Plus, as a bonus for pornographers, regulation carries with it official recognition as well, and in an industry where copyright violation has become so endemic that numerous films are produced simply as loss-leaders to get additional longterm money from the shrinking portion of the porn audience that is still willing to pay money for it, official recognition is worth quite a bit.

1. Memo to all writers everywhere: when you use “bratwurst” as a euphemism for “penis,” you’re writing subpar Krusty the Klown material. CUCAMONGA! [↩]
2. Presumably police will not be accidentally wandering on to porn sets on a regular basis. [↩]
3. Many porn companies will talk about their rigorous testing schedules, but the day I trust self-regulation is the day I join the GOP and start ranting about immigunts takin der jerbs. [↩]

Lately, we’ve been hearing a lot about how important it is to keep taxes low on the rich. Not, as we all might suspect, because all the Congressmen saying it have taken somewhere in the neighborhood of five hundred grand in “campaign contributions” from very rich people who generally don’t tend to part with money unless they think they’ll get something out of it; instead, it is because these people are the “job creators” who drive the economy and if they have to spend all their money in taxes then they won’t be able to spend any on creating jobs.

Now, one might…one just might…point out that we’ve been cutting taxes on the rich for the last decade and all we’ve gotten to show for it is a net loss of five million jobs and a small group of very rich people who have gotten much, much richer…but instead, I think we should take all these people at their word. I think that we should treat these people as the job creators they really are, just like the Republicans in Congress say. And to that end, I think we should do exactly what the Republicans insist is the best solution for the economy, the best solution for just about anything. Let’s let the free market handle it.

Specifically, I think we should tie the top income tax rate to the unemployment rate. Say, a baseline tax rate of twenty-five percent, with a baseline unemployment rate of five percent. Every percentage point below that, the top tax rate decreases by thirteen percent (down to a minimum of one percent, a purely token rate.) And of course, every percentage point the unemployment rate goes up above five, the top tax rate increases by thirteen percent (up to a maximum of ninety-nine percent; after all, nobody should be denied the right to make a living.)

Naturally, the specific numbers could be haggled a bit, the tax loopholes closed here and there to make sure that they’re not shirking their duties as job creators, the exact unemployment figures that we use to calculate this tax rate precisely detailed to avoid fraud. But in theory, this should be exactly what the nation’s captains of industry want. They have an incentive to put the nation’s unemployed back to work, we have a way to balance the budget in times of economic stress, and the Republicans get to put their money where their mouth is when it comes to free-market economics and their worship of America’s ultra-wealthy as the people who make America great.

I don’t know why, but something tells me they won’t go for it…

On Twitter, @magiclovehose asks:

Something for the “give me something to write about” list: the legal ramifications of copyright and 3D printers?

The thing about 3D printers is that they directly challenge one of the assumptions upon which copyright law is predicated.

See, right now, in most countries you can’t copyright the design of a utilitarian item. Say I am IKEA and I design a chair. That chair can’t be copyrighted: it’s utilitarian. The point of the chair is to make many more chairs just like it for common use: the idea of the chair is not copyrightable. (The building instructions, on the other hand, can be. Which is a minor reason IKEA does things the way that they do.) However. Say I am not IKEA, but instead I am a humble woodworker. And say I design a chair, but I design it as a work of art: the back of the chair is a gorgeous woodcarving of Jesus and Muhammad Ali fighting aliens. Now it’s not just a simple chair: it’s a personal expression. Therefore, it now attracts copyright.

That’s how the law works for chairs – and other utilitarian items – right now. If you mass-produce it, it’s not copyrightable; it’s utilitarian. (You may be able to patent it, of course, but that’s a different kettle of intellectual property-fish.) But when 3D printing enters the scene, that turns this entire legal scheme on its ear, because 3D printing will eventually render everything mass-producible. I carve my Jesus/Ali/Aliens chair, and then somebody else 3D scans it and suddenly you can torrent the .cad file to make my chair in a 3D printer from half a dozen places on the net.

So what happens at this point? Have I lost copyright in my chair because it’s been mass-produced and therefore my chair has become utilitarian and a piece of non-singular design? Or have the people downloading the file and reproducing my chair in iChair 2015 infringed my copyright in the chair? The answer at this point is “ask again later” because I sure as hell don’t know: thanks to technology we’re once again approaching a problem that copyright systems never anticipated coming. Will iChair’s additional features allowing the user to make sure that design features of customized chairs don’t keep the chair from being used for its traditional “sitting in it” purpose strengthen the utilitarian argument? What if iChair lets you design chairs from scratch and autocorrects you to make sure the chair is viable and won’t fall apart, which essentially means that with enough market penetration no original design will be non-duplicable even without people copying it? (This is the “sooner or later someone else will make a Jesus/Ali/Aliens chair” argument.) Does mass production therefore destroy whatever copyright exists in industrial design, or does it mean that legislatures and/or judiciaries will find new sources of copyright that do not as yet exist?

Like I said: I don’t know. But suspecting that the answer will benefit whoever stands to massively profit from the new industrial design landscape when 3D printing comes around will probably not be entirely inaccurate.

I don’t typically mention the legal blog stuff I do here, but I think my discussion of the Supreme Court of Canada’s recent decision in R. v. J.A. – the “you can’t consent in advance to sexual activity taken place while you sleep” case – would be of interest to my greater readership, so here you go. (Feel free to comment here if you like, of course.)

Since I have graduated from law school and am now working at Wise Law Office, it’s incumbent upon me to mention that Ontario-area readers in need of legal counsel – particularly those in the southern half of Ontario – should consider us, as we are A) quite good and B) quite reasonably priced, and make an effort to keep costs down for our clients.

We don’t take on criminal or immigration matters at present, and specialize in family and employment law issues, but we’ll take most civil matters under consideration. (I am personally hoping for some intellectual property law actions to show up sooner or later.)

Toronto’s papers did not react particularly well to the recent superior court decision striking down prostitution laws, so I wrote about it.

Seeing those pages MGK posted from his reworking of “Civil War” reminded me of the story that was supposedly going to shake up the Marvel Universe forever. (So let’s see…Cap’s alive again, Spider-Man’s secret identity was restored, Iron Man’s brain was literally reset to pre-Civil War status, and the Registration Act was repealed. And most of the people involved were Skrulls anyway. But Black Goliath is still dead!)

But what really irked me at the time was Marvel’s claim that this was a more “realistic” look at how super-heroes would operate in the real world. In the real world, they said, super-heroes would be regulated and controlled. In the real world, there would be an authority governing them. In the real world, things would look like they did in “Civil War”.

Suuuuuure they would. That press conference where Tony Stark announced the Registration Act, and revealed his secret identity to wild applause from the crowd of reporters? Would have gone something like this.

“I’ve revealed my secret identity before, but always in ways I could go back on. This time, there’s no going back. I’m Tony Stark, and I’m Iron Man.”

“Mister Stark…didn’t you just say a few weeks ago that you were retiring from being Iron Man after the stress of your dual identity caused you to get drunk and publicly threaten to kill the Latverian Ambassador?”

“Um, yes, but that was evil magic, not alcoholism that–”

“Have you always been Iron Man? What about the time you claimed you ‘fired’ Iron Man for attacking government agents and murdering a Russian super-hero? Was that a lie too?”

“I think I should wait to speak to my lawyer about–”

“You don’t actually have any super-powers, Mister Stark, yet you’re claiming that the new Super-Hero Registration Act requires you to register because of your possession of the Iron Man armor. What happens if you decide to license or sell the armor? Does the new owner instantly become a law-breaker?”

“Well, these are questions that will be answered by the courts when–”

“As we understand it, you attempted to arrest Captain America for failing to register under the Act before it was even enacted into law. Isn’t that a blatant abuse of your new-found power?”

“This press conference is over.”

Soon, Iron Man would be forced to resign, the law would be tied up in the courts for years before being declared unconstitutional, and the Negative Zone prison would wind up being an expensive and unworkable boondoggle due to the use of shoddy and substandard contractors. Then Blaastar shows up at the United Nations, asking them to condemn America’s invasion of his sovereign territory…

If I were Barack Obama, and I wanted to convince 73-year-old Anthony Kennedy that, were he to step down, his replacement would be someone similarly moderate in judicial style – well, Obama’s Supreme Court picks make a lot more sense in that regard, don’t they?

Granted, it’s probably a moot point until Obama’s possible second term (Kennedy will be 77 by the end of it). But if I wanted to convince the Supreme Court’s “swing vote” to retire, that is how I would do it.

So Barack Obama has gone and nominated Elena Kagan as his next Supreme Court pick, which should surprise absolutely nobody; she was always going the frontrunner for the job once she got some experience in a major government position under her belt first, which was why Sotomayor got nominated last year instead of Kagan – the latter was still being seasoned. (Here, I’ll go one better: when Ruth Bader Ginsburg retires next year, it’ll be probably be Merrick Garland or Sidney Thomas replacing her. I’d prefer to see Pamela Karlan, Harold Koh or Leah Ward Sears – I would have preferred any of those over Kagan, frankly – but Obama is who he is.)

As for Kagan, the lefties proclaiming her “Obama’s Harriet Miers”¹ are all on crack. Miers was an undistinguished family lawyer. Kagan is a former Harvard Law School dean. There’s kind of a difference. You can complain, perhaps, that Kagan hasn’t written a lot of articles, but so what? She’s clearly intelligent and frankly people arguing that she’s a stealth conservative are on even crackier crack than the “Obama’s Miers” crowd because people who are stealth conservatives don’t spend their lives working in liberal law schools and for Democratic presidents.

In short: she’ll be fine. Not a daring or exciting pick, but a solid one.

1. And why is everything in this administration “Obama’s X,” where X is something that happened to Bush? Bush was a disaster, Obama isn’t. NOT THE SAME THING. [↩]

I’ve gotten a few emails from people asking me about Citizens United v. FEC, and what I think about it.

So, in order:

1.) Corporations were already mostly free to engage in political speech anyway, thanks to Wisconsin v. RTL a few years ago, which said they had the right to engage in “issue” advertising. In other words, a corporation running an ad saying “vote for Senator Floozits” would be prohibited, but running an ad saying “Do you want to lose your job because of spotted owls? Tell Senator Floozits you don’t want to lose your job because of some vote on environmental regulation!” would be more or less kosher. The dividing line here is obviously a very fine one, and for the purposes of influencing an election it’s largely meaningless.

2.) After President Obama gave his State of the Union speech saying that foreign-owned corporations could now influence elections, a bunch of conservative organizations and the New York Times jumped up to play fact-checker, saying that parts of the U.S.C. said that foreign corporations weren’t allowed to buy electoral advertisements. First off, this is only a technicality; a domestically-owned subsidiary of a foreign corporation with a majority of foreign-born board members (or even simply license requirements allowing them to be influenced) can get past that restriction quite easily. But that’s before you get into shell corporations. (After Citizens dropped, I asked a friend of mine who’s big into business law how many ways he could think of to get around the foreign ownership restriction. He thought about it for a minute and then said he could think of six.)

3.) Some people have suggested that this decision is a victory for smaller corporations to enter into political dialogue, or that individual citizens can now form corporations for the purposes of generating political speech. These are both extremely stupid arguments. Smaller corporations by and large can’t afford to influence political dialogue on any meaningful level that wasn’t available to the individuals participating in them already, and individual citizens already had the opportunity to form advocacy groups (and have done so with some impressive successes).

4.) And yes, of course I think it’s a bad decision – mostly because I’m very much in favour of greater restrictions on corporate rights rather than less, because they are imaginary people, and imaginary people do not, as a rule, have moral character which informs their action. People complaining that campaign finance reform failed to stop corporate speech miss the point: ideally elections should be solely publicly funded. You sign up for your campaign, you get X dollars and a paid half-hour of media time somewhere to make your case for electability. Of course this will never happen, but so will lots of other things that are great, like McDonald’s bringing back the Shamrock Shake on a permanent basis. Why doesn’t the Supreme Court make a decision saying McDonald’s has to bring back the Shamrock Shake forever? And also the McRib.

5.) Additional commentary on the decision that I recommend can be found here.

Prostitutes in New Orleans are being categorized as “sex offenders.” What the fucking fuck?

I understand police wanting to cut down on prostitution; in a system where it’s not legal, it’s generally unsafe, and you want to disincentivize unsafe behaviour. (Of course, legalizing it would be simpler and safer all around, but God would get angry at you if you do that, apparently, so that’s off the table.) But there’s simply no way to characterize this method of action as anything other than incredibly cruel: jumping up the charge for prostitution from misdemeanour to felony alone has any number of horrible legal ramifications for those charged, and that’s before you get into the (often expensive) complications of being a registered sex offender, a classification invented to deal with the dangers posed by pedophiles and rapists rather than poor women who had to suck somebody’s dick so they could pay their rent.

And on top of that, there’s this abomination:

“The way Louisiana’s habitual offender law works, if you challenge your sentence in court and lose, and it’s a third offense, the mandatory minimum is 20 years. The maximum is life,” he explained.

So on top of the horrible abuse of law to make life worse for people who apparently didn’t have it bad enough already, let’s make it essentially impossible for them to challenge their unjust sentence. Way to go, Louisiana.

Hola, amigos! It is once again that time of the week where I, El Tyrano Magnifico, the greatest of all luchador lawyers, will read and examine your pleas and questions with the detail demanded of a true champion. Much as the time I fought El Hijo del Santo in a Five-Way Mexican Dance of Death, remembering each of his three primary weaknesses and planning my attack, so shall I carefully consider each of your questions. That is the eternal pledge of El Tyrano Magnifico!

Jaime Muniz, who it says in the letter is nine years old, writes to ask:

Dear El Tyrano Magnifico: I was wrestling at school and one of my classmates had me in a rattlesnake leglock. I was slapping the ground to give myself the will and the strength to reach the bottom rope, but the referee said that I had tapped out and thus lost the match, even when I had clearly not submitted! Is this not improper?

Dear Jaime: Sadly, you have no recourse. Ever since Shamrock v. Hart was dismissed for appeal in 1998, it has been a matter of settled international law that slapping a mat, floor, ground, or any other horizontal surface qualifies as a submission, even if the words “I give up” are not uttered. In future, you may wish to consider slapping a wall or human face instead in order to deal with the grueling pain of a rattlesnake leglock. If these are not available, consider filing an injunction with your local judge.

Now, Arina Ortega writes:

Dear El Tyrano Magnifico: My papa works very long hours at the butcher’s, but lately he complains that he is not getting paid for the extra hours he must work. Surely there is some recourse for us? I am very hungry and would like to eat something other than pinto beans, which give me abdominal pressures.

Dear Arina: Your papa is deserving of overtime, but if he has signed a contract forced upon him by the rudo butcher shop manager, he may have unfortunately ceded his right to overtime payment. But all is not lost! If your papa – or a designated counsel working on his behalf – can force the butcher shop manager into a sleeper hold, when the manager passes out from lack of blood to the brain, he will be deemed to have agreed to a rewriting of the terms of the contract! For maximum legal security, I recommend putting the butcher shop manager in a sleeper hold while he is in a police station, local notary’s office or steel cage.

Also, dear Arina, you may qualify for pro bono legal representation by El Tyrano Magnifico, or perhaps by one of the Tyranitos, my assistants here at the firm of Magnifico, Gomez and El Terror. Contact me immediately and we shall set up an appointment! Now who is the next letter from…?

Dear El Tyrano Magnifico: Fool! While you address the questions of simpering children in your pathetic mailbag, I have stolen your precious Legal Society Championship Belt! I wear it now and it glistens around my midsection! HA HA HA! Do you hear my laughter, El Tyrano Magnifico? I laugh at your respect for law and order! HA HA HA! Your gleaming belt is nothing more than a trophy of my success!

Sincerely, Vampiro Ultimate X

My fists quake with rage! Damn your eyes, Vampiro Ultimate X! Your misdeeds have gone unpunished for far too long, even as you have exceeded the villainy of Vampiro Ultimate IX and Vampiro Ultimate VIII, and indeed all the previous Vampiro Ultimates with the possible exception of IV! And now you steal the Legal Society Championship Belt? Without ever having passed a bar exam? Without ever having had proper schooling? The duty of a luchador lawyer is to serve as counsel to the utmost degree, Vampiro Ultimate X, and that is something you cannot understand for you do not know the secret martial paths of the courtroom!

This time is for me to read mail from all my little amigos who seek legal knowledge, Vampiro Ultimate X, and you have trespassed upon sacred ground, at least metaphorically! For this there can be no forgiveness! I challenge you to a barbed wire match, Vampiro Ultimate X! In the deadly tangle of barbed wire, I shall call forth many witnesses, who will testify as to your inadequacy when I place you in my patented¹ Hyper Dragon Armbar! You will cry for mercy, Vampiro Ultimate X, but no mercy will be forthcoming so long as no one believes you are reasonably deserving of mercy! That is the promise of El Tyrano Magnifico!

1. Patent filed 1989, patent no. 89326-032. [↩]