The Canadian leaders’ debate! Electric! (Well, no.) Exciting! (Probably not.) Substantive! (Actually, there is a reasonable chance of this last one, due to Canadians having a low tolerance for electing intolerant fundamentalist Muppets to office.)

Minute one: Your contestants are Stephen “please give me a majority” Harper, Stephane “please don’t give him a majority” Dion, Jack “I will laughingly pretend I have a shot at a majority” Layton, Gilles “the French language debate already happened so I can totally fuck with everybody and it won’t matter” Duceppe, and Elizabeth “it’s an honor just to get to debate” May. They are sitting at a “roundish” table, so described by Peter Mansbridge, so it is officially “roundish.” Canada: the country where approximating language is not only traditional but mandated.

Minute two: Steve Paikin of TVO is your moderator, and then we can go back to not bothering to pretend to care about TVO.

Minute three: Vince from Alberta wants to know: how are you going to protect the economy? May: national investment, keep Canadian companies Canadian, et cetera. Dion: da Libruls have da official plan what I release yestaday dat will keep da Canadian economy afloat and protect your savings and your pension-es. Harper: Don’t panic. Dion, you panicked. You’re a pussy and your platform sucks. Layton: Effective regulations of the financial sector ASAP, national investment in real Canadians (rather than fake ones). Duceppe: Stephen Harper is like George Bush. (Stephen Harper gives Duceppe his dead-eyed death-stare, or, as we call it here in Canada, “his normal face.”)

Minute seven: Open discussion period of the question. Dion is offended by Harper claiming it’s a “panic.” Harper smirks. Harper points out that Canadian fiscal and financial policy are different from America’s, and that the government is running a surplus, not a deficit. (Well, for now we are.) May complains that Harper asked for additional debate time on the economy and that all Harper’s done is say “nothing’s wrong,” then boosts a carbon tax. Layton attacks Harper on corporate tax cuts, then says Harper is out of touch, and concludes with “either you don’t care, or you’re incompetent.” (Ah, Canadian politics, where being polite is for pussies.) Harper counters that of their last tax cut package, three-quarters went to families, and then says families aren’t worried about taxes, but about their investments. Duceppe busts in that Canada needs tax credits for research and development very badly. Dion comes back pointing out that the Harper government has overseen a productivity drop, a drop in economic growth, and then mocks Jim Flaherty for saying “don’t invest in Ontario” on the basis that that was retarded.

Harper argues that net job creation is up and that raising taxes is a bad idea. May says Harper is out of touch for saying that people aren’t worried about losing their homes, then attacks Harper’s tax package for not cutting income taxes. Layton calls Harper “cold and callous” and then points out that Canadian manufacturing is collapsing. Stephen Harper stares daggers at him and his smirk vanishes. Harper continues to plead that at least we don’t have a subprime mortgage meltdown. Dion points out that Paul Martin and Jean Chretien are directly responsible for the regulations on Canadian banks which largely kept them from doing what has fucked half of the banks in the world (which is mostly true). Duceppe mispronounces “sustainable development” and then says that Harper’s Tories are being irresponsible for not adhering to the Kyoto Protocol and creating the next-gen green economy Canada needs. Harper brags about tax-free savings accounts, which are nothing but tiny sops that benefit rich people more than poor.

May points out that unemployment insurance is disappearing, and that the new jobs Harper’s creating are mostly shitty service-sector jobs, and cites the OECD report on Canada’s economy. Layton says May is right, then adds that Canadian families are working 190 hours per month more than they used to “just to make ends meet.” Duceppe points out that income tax reductions for manufacturing companies are useless when said companies are losing money, and demands, yes, DEMANDS reimbursable tax credits. Harper talks about where he’s directed the government to invest money. Dion argues for centrism, IE, the Liberal party, which will “invest in the infrastructure” while remaining fiscally solvent. Layton complains that Dion wants to have corporate tax cuts and that Dion kept Harper in power for way too long, then says that corporate tax cuts cannot be the lynchpin of a new fiscal strategy. Dion responds that the Liberal Green Shift plan is mathematically sound and has a three billion dollar “buffer,” which is who the fuck knows what, really.

Minute twenty-two: Steve Paikin: are the manufacturing jobs we’ve lost gone forever? Harper: they are, but we can replace them with new, emerging manufacturing jobs, and we can’t guarantee that certain jobs will remain forever. Duceppe asks yet again why emergent manufacturing jobs aren’t getting reimbursable tax credits to help them out in the beginning. May: we need jobs all across the country, and not just in Alberta and Saskatchewan excavating the tar sands. Coast Guard vessels should be manufactured in Canada. Layton: we shouldn’t be sending off raw timber to other countries - we can make stuff with wood right here. We should have been making green cars but Harper (and Paul Martin before him) didn’t invest in the sector. Harper’s corporate tax cuts benefit banks and oil companies. Dion says the manufacturing sector is vitally important to maintain Canada’s economy in the longterm and not to rely on resource exploitation, then attacks Jim Flaherty again.

Harper again says that Canada is not in the same situation as the United States and that the Tories are investing in important national industries. Paikin jumps in and asks Harper if his policies are working. Harper says there is a slowdown, but it’s not a recession. Duceppe jokes that the only party promoting a “Buy Canadian” act for government is the Bloc Quebecois, which is indeed amusing. Jack Layton says that’s a good idea and the New Democrats support it, then complains about bad trade deals which are eroding manufacturing jobs and that the Tories don’t have a good replacement strategy. May also supports the Buy Canadian policy for the government and attacks Harper for a “profound structural shift” about which she does not elaborate upon.

Dion says something about investment and energy efficiency which is mostly meaningless. Harper tries to say something and everybody jumps down his throat. (American readers may be wondering where all the jokes are, but jeez is it hard to make jokes with a high degree of substantive discussion.) Layton complains that the Tories haven’t presented an economic plan yet at all, and cracks that Harper must be hiding it under his sweater. Steve Paikin asks if people are willing to go into deficit to stimulate the economy in case of a recession. Harper: won’t be necessary. May: hopes not, and Harper, you’re an asshole. Dion: something something something pollution tax. Layton: the NDP balances budgets better than anybody else, just ask the Department of Finance. Duceppe: like it matters what I say, I’ll never be in charge of the country anyway.

Minute thirty-three: Manfred from Toronto: how do you reconcile environmental protection with economic growth? Dion: fossil fuels are just going to get more expensive, so the Liberals plan to shift taxation to fossil fuels and pollution to create instant market incentives to be clean and green, and if you’re clean you save money. Harper: it’s a tax increase, and you have to be honest and admit that environmental improvements will cost money, and our emissions plan is better than other parties’ plans. Layton: the Tories aren’t going to do shit and Harper is full of crap about his plan, and we need strict emissions limits, the government revenues from which need to reinvested in green economic initiatives. Duceppe: apply Kyoto, have absolute targets rather than “intensity” targets like the Tories have, which allow one to declare success while still increasing overall emissions, and the tar sands have to pay up. May: the climate crisis represents the single biggest economic opportunity in history, and it’s stupid to pretend that polluting is free, because it isn’t.

Open discussion! Paikin asks Harper about the tax cuts in the Liberal plan. Harper says the carbon taxes are twice as much as the income tax reductions. Dion flat-out calls him a liar, and says that countries which have adopted carbon taxes do better than those without. May agrees with the idea of carbon taxation and says her plan is more ambitious than Dion’s, which means nobody will vote for it. Duceppe says - fuck, do I really have to keep pretending that Duceppe is anything other than a generator of “gotcha” questions in the English language debate? Although it is amusing hearing him totally mangle the words “sustainable development.”

Harper blathers about hard targets and soft targets for carbon emissions, full of sound and fury, signifiying nothing. Well, not so much “fury.” Layton, on the other hand, has lots of fury, and again links Harper to George W. Bush, then mocks him for intensity-based targets, explaining why the concept is bullshit. Dion emphasizes how important the climate change crisis is, and states firmly that if the changes have to be made immediately to maximize economic benefit. Harper responds by saying the Tories have a plan for the tar sands. May attacks Harper for ignoring Kyoto, and the Tories in general for being useless at the Bali conference, then points out that municipalities and provinces are trying to have climate strategies without the federal government because Harper is a limpdick. Duceppe explains in funny broken Franglais why intensity targets are crap, May nodding emphatically all the while. Layton’s moustache quivers with indignity! Dion talks more about how the Green Shift drops taxes for poorer Canadians. Harper responds by talking about how he’s protecting land near cities and have expanded the parks system. PARKS! May outright calls him a fraud.

Minute forty-seven: Candace from Montreal wants to know about healthcare, and how will these people alleviate the doctor shortage in Canada?

Layton: the NDP will increase by 50% the number of doctors training in Canada, and will forgive their student debts if they commit to ten years in family medicine, unlike the Tories, who gave out a corporate tax cut and told the provinces to go pound sand. Duceppe: it’s a provincial responsibility, but the feds can’t help sticking their nose in where it doesn’t belong, and also Aboriginal health conditions are a joke. May: budget-cutting in the 90s hurt the healthcare system in the long run, and only additional reinvestment can handle the issue. Dion: it’s even more important because a lot of our doctoral population is aging, and the feds have to take action to make sure we can handle this, presumably by chaining them to their offices. Harper: May is right! the Liberals cut your healthcare funding! It was all their fault! We’ve been working with the provinces! And so forth.

ROUNDISH TABLE TIME! Layton points out the Tories were asking for more cuts when the Liberals were cutting, and that Harper himself led a citizens’ group that wanted to privatize healthcare, and the NDP is for public healthcare and Tommy Douglas Tommy Douglas TOMMY MOTHERFUCKING DOUGLAS. Harper attacks Layton for using a private clinic at one point, his eyes saying “I will rape your flesh and wear it for a hat.” Layton says “fuck you” as nicely as possible. Harper says “fuck you” back then talks about some of the money they’ve spent. Dion says that the 90s were necessary and that the Tories broke their promises about waiting lists. May: there are international pressures to cut down our public healthcare system. (Harper smirks like an asshole.) May paints a picture of hungry American businesses trying to move in and attack healthcare, and follows Layton’s lead by pointing out that Harper used to be a pay-for-pray rightie extremist. (Who had dead eyes, like a hitman.)

Duceppe says… I’m honestly not sure, and it had nothing to do with his accent. He moves his hands a lot, though, so maybe it’s important. Dion complains about private medication costs being in the t’ousands and t’ousands of dollahs and promises public funding for catastrophic-need drugs. Layton points out the need for better Aboriginal care, for more family doctors, and then says Dion and Harper are both useless twats and the NDP is the way to go and did he mention how corporate taxes suck?

Minute fifty-nine: Dale Anne from Saskatchewan asks about arts funding! Ha, and Karen Whaley said she didn’t want to liveblog this debate! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, WHALEY?

Duceppe predictably is angry at Harper for cutting arts funding. May likes arts funding and thinks it’s important and that it can make money, but it’s more than just a profit centre, it’s about being Canadian. Dion likes art because “it’s fun” (hokey, but effective), and because it can make more money through tax receipts than is spent by the government itself, and because it’s our identity. Harper “enjoys the arts immensely,” rubbing his hands as he imagines strangling a small puppy to the strains of Ravel’s “Bolero.” Harper then talks about a child tax credit, which parents could presumably spend on arts education! (If they aren’t spending it on food.) Layton rightly mocks the shit out of Harper for this utterly stupid idea, pointing out that artists are poor as shit.

Steve Paikin wants to know if the other four leaders think Tories are barbarians. Dion says he thinks Harper considers artists “enemies,” and Harper shouldn’t do that, and that Harper’s personal tastes shouldn’t dictate arts funding. Duceppe slams Jim Flaherty, who is definitely providing a lot of fodder for everybody tonight, saying that Flaherty made it clear the arts funding cuts were ideological. Harper says that the arts and culture budget has increased. May says she doesn’t think Harper hates the arts, but she thinks he uses the government to increase his own political power wherever possible, and that artistic funding cuts are part of that strategy.

Layton accuses Harper of censorship of his cultural opponents. Harper demands an example, and May butts in naming names. Dion says it is “clear” that there have been ideological cuts and promises to restore artistic tax cuts and funds. Harper again talks about how much more money they’re spending, and how the government “evaluates” programs, which just sounds… creepy. Layton points out that other countries invest in cultural spending because it generates jobs, and then again says Harper would rather give the money to banks.

Minute seventy-one: Sameer from Markham wants to know about violent crime. It’s getting worse, you know! What are you going to do about it?

May: You’re wrong, Sameer from Markham - the violent crime rate hasn’t gone up. That having been said, bail conditions for violent offenders need to be stricter, and we need to ban handguns and semiautomatics, and a cheaper system for regulating hunting rifles. Dion: Treatment model - fix the problems before they become violent crimes. Harper: Well, there are some increases, in gang violence for example, and youth violence repeat offenders, and we’re going to do things about that. (Harper, incidentally, barely looks at the camera when addressing it. It is downright weird.) Layton: we need to ban handguns and semi-autos, and we need treatment and youth programs, and Harper promised youth programs which never showed up so he’s promising it again. Duceppe: punishing young offenders doesn’t work, and we need anti-gun laws, and tougher measures for armed criminals, and victims’ rights.

May: we need to invest in literacy programs, because they’ve been proven to reduce crime rates and criminal activity in youth, and the Tories cut it. Harper: the program didn’t work, and we cut programs that don’t work. Layton complains that Harper’s cuts are just political gamesmanship, and promises a family credit for children’s education programs. Dion says he trusts judges and Harper doesn’t, because Harper wants zero tolerance laws, and that’s idiotic. Harper responds by saying he just wants to give judges the option to give harsh, draconian sentences, and what’s so wrong about that? And house arrests don’t work for young offenders. Duceppe links Harper’s governing philosophy in criminal law to the United States. May points out that longer sentences don’t reduce the crime rate and just end up being more expensive to the state, and that treating young offenders as adults is ridiculous.

Layton mentions that the crime rate among Aboriginals is sky-high because native reservations have the shittiest status around and it’s a national disgrace, and that an apology isn’t enough. Harper says he could talk about that, but he’s not going to, and that violent criminals get off too easy in Canada and it’s time to do something about it, gosh darnit. Dion says sure, let’s do something, but not adopting American judicial models, and then gets into a fight with Layton about Liberal responsibility for Aboriginal policy failures. Layton: “if you’re not going to be the leader of the opposition, I don’t know why you’re running for Prime Minister.” BURN.

Minute eighty-four: Barmak from Kitchener wants to know about Afghanistan. Should we stay there until 2011, or later, or earlier, or what?

Harper, unsurprisingly, likes Afghanistan and what we’re doing there. Layton: we’ve always been against Afghanistan, but we love our soldiers, nay, because we love our soldiers, and we should engage in a comprehensive peace process. Duceppe: us too. May: Afghanistan is where armies go to get their asses handed to them, and we need the United Nations to take over. (What?) Dion: I love me some soldiers and if anybody says different I will beat them to death with a crowbar, and as for Afghanistan, we should stay until 2011.

Harper: we can’t pacify Afghanistan by ourselves, we need the Afghanis to do pitch in, it’s a United Nations mission already. Layton argues that Harper can’t be trusted and that his philosophies come straight from the Bush neocon wing, and you can’t trust Dion either because he changes his mind. Dion: I never broke my word, I agreed to stay longer because leaving Afghanistan without preparing them would be disastrous, and we are so out of there in 2011. Harper points out that Obama wants to increase troop counts in Afghanistan, all you lefties, so what do you say to that? May knocks Harper for having wanted to go into Iraq, then says it has to be a United Nations mission because if it’s an American one the mission is screwed, and points out that too much foreign aid goes to Afghanistan now. Dion: Harper Bush Harper Bush Harper Bush Harper Bush Bush Bush Harper Bush. Harper: Not Bush! Not not not not not Bush! (Yes, it is really getting that bad that fast, folks. Come on, we had ninety minutes almost of substantive debate, it had to collapse sometime.)

Minute ninety-six: Dennis in Toronto: he’s a retiree, and he wants to know what the first thing each of them would do as PM, and no bullfeathers, either!

Layton: remove the corporate tax cut and replace it with infrastructure investment and job creation and stuff like. Duceppe: I’m not gonna be Prime Minister, and nobody else but Harper is gonna be either, so I’ll just make sure to keep pushing Harper to help the manufacturing sector and seniors and lots of other people. May: we have to fix our electoral system to bring proportional representation to Parliament, and we need to deal with carbon emissions yesterday and eighty percent of Canadians agree with me. Dion: I’m going to deal with the economic crisis that’s coming even if Harper says it isn’t coming. Harper: More tax cuts.

OPEN ROUNDISH TABLE! Layton attacks Harper - again - about the corporate tax cuts, and then points out that Harper is fundamentally crap at working with provincial leaders, and so is Dion. Dion says if he’s elected he’s got a mandate from the Canadian people, not that this is going to happen but hey. He also talks up the Green Shift again. May pushes the Green Shift concept and says it’s exactly what we need to do right now for all the usual reasons, then argues for income tax splitting in marriages. Harper says that they eliminated the marriage penalty, which is not exactly the same thing at all but it sounds kind of the same, then says they’ll bring in income splitting for couples acting as caregivers for non-kids (IE, parents and elderly types). Harper says he will never, ever raise taxes, which is exactly the type of flexibility a leader needs. Duceppe asks for national securities regulation common across the provinces; Harper says he’d like that, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. Dion says “hey, remember how Harper screwed you on income trusts? Think about that when he complains about the Green Shift.” Harper responds by saying that it was necessary and they compensated by offering income splitting for pensioners.

Minute one hundred seven: Aimee from Halifax hasn’t voted in the last couple of elections, so how can she trust any of you assholes?

Duceppe: Just look at it this way: Harper lies like a rug, so there you go. May says she used to be a lawyer and now a politician and feels loathed, and it’s because politicians break promises, so ignore party and vote on the issues, and be more engaged, because you deserve better than what you get. Dion: you, young lady in Halifax, you’re wrong. There are concrete differences between the Tories and the Liberals. For example, the Liberals are nice, and the Tories hunt the endangered condor for sport. Harper: I am pro-condor and have always been pro-condor. Look at our platform. (May: “where IS it?”) Layton: Harper doesn’t have a platform, he has a sweater. And we’ve had the Tories and Liberals in power forever, one or the other, so if you’re sick of the same old same old, vote the NDP into power and guess what, we’ll fuck up in all sorts of new ways.

And then they talked some more but my wireless connection on my laptop died, so fuck it, there was only five minutes left anyway and they were mostly done.

Bottom line: Harper needed a strong performance to rebound from the French language debate and this was definitely not it. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. I don’t think he’s getting his majority.

Setting up shop to liveblog tonight; thanks to Newsworld replaying the Canadian leader’s debate later tonight, it’s going to be the American VP debate at 9 PM and then the Canadian federal debate when Newsworld replays it.

Probably important to note in advance that Sarah Palin is not going to set her podium on fire or do anything remarkably stupid; the form of the debate allows her to do what she does well, which is relentlessly attack Biden and Obama in scripted manner and ignore any question she can’t answer by talking about something else instead. (This was, of course, not accidental.) Regardless of what happens, Palin’s expectations are so low that if she manages to speak in complete sentences it will be portrayed as a massive victory. My personal hope is that Biden ignores the attacks and simply concentrates on being a grown-up who can offer intelligent solutions for problems America faces.

8:59: Campbell Brown explains that most people are stupid and will be more inclined to vote for Sarah Palin if she comes across as nice rather than competent. Well, that’s honest, at least.

9:00: Your moderator: Gwen Ifill, who is, I understand, completely in the tank for Barack Obama and who hates all white women everywhere.

9:00: Tonight the lines are for uncommited male and female Ohio voters! Ohio! The state that always matters far more than it really should!

9:01: “Nice to meet you! Hi! Can I call you Joe?” And it’s Perky Sarah out of the gate!

9:02: First question: the bailout. The lines like Biden! The lady lines like him more than the men lines, but the men lines seem to like him fine. Biden says he and Obama will focus on the middle class.

9:05: Palin starts out talking folksy about soccer and the lines just DROP to neutral so fast it is scary. They rebound a bit when she starts talking about sound oversight, then she obliquely says Biden is stupid for not listening to McCain about reform. Lines drop again when she starts talking about McCain suspending his campaign. That shit ain’t fooling nobody, lady.

9:07: Biden wants to respond to Palin on McCain’s economic brilliance, and goes with the “fundementals of our economy” line. Palin responds with the “he was talking about American workers” bullshit response - the lines like it but only a bit. Early trend about Palin is that her lines tend to drop the longer she talks. She hasn’t dropped into negative numbers yet.

9:09: “Maverick” count: 1.

9:09: “Who’s fault is the subprime meltdown?” Palin wisely blames predator lenders. Biden looks terribly pissed off when she talks about how she and McCain will clean up Wall Street, mostly because OH MY GOD THE BULLSHIT.

9:10: “Hockey mom” count: 1. But her message of personal responsibility rings strongly! People like personal responsibility in Ohio!

9:12: Biden: McCain wants to deregulate everything and that’s no good. Palin: taxes! Democrats love taxes! Lines not very convinced by this. Government must be more efficient! Everybody likes efficiency! Then she spouts the “tax increase on families worth $42K less” line, which is bullshit. Biden calls her on it and points out that McCain voted exactly the same way, then points out that by Palin’s standard McCain voted to raise taxes eleventy billion times and Palin didn’t answer about deregulation at all. Biden is grinning like an evil shark person.

9:14: Palin: “I may not answer the questions the way you want me to…” IE, “at all.” Biden looks at Gwen Ifill. Palin looks at her notes.

9:15: Ifill: hey, McCain wants to tax employer health benefits. What do you think about that? Biden points out that the middle class has had a bad time of it lately with taxes and talks about the Obama tax plan, of which the lines greatly approve, then points out McCain wants corporate tax cuts. Palin’s smile is WEIRD. Then Biden mentions Reagan, because men in Ohio get hard when you say “Reagan.”

9:17: Palin claims that she and her family are “middle class.” She has to be prompted to even mention the health care plan because she is busy lying about taxes. My god, this woman lies slickly when she gets a chance to prepare. Attacks socialized healthcare and the lines are NOT impressed. Talks about the health care credit, because five thousand dollars helps a lot when you have cancer!

9:20: Biden: John McCain wants to tax your health benefits and give money to insurance companies. This is undeniably true, which unfortunately does not wake up the lines, because it is difficult to understand, this “paying of taxes” and “costing of money.”

9:21: If things get tough, what disappears from your plan: Biden: foreign assistance (good call, Biden - Americans hate helping foreigners. Sorry, people, but it’s true), corporate tax cuts. Women OFF THE CHART with the lines for Biden. Then, Biden says he and Obama will look in the government’s cushions for spare change to make up the difference, and finishes by attacking overseas tax shelters.

9:22: Palin says McCain doesn’t flip-flop depending on who he talks to. This is true. McCain flip-flops regardless of who he talks to. Palin says how she “took on” the oil companies in Alaska, presumably with a shotgun and a bear trap. Palin is playing it so folksy it is like she is trying out for a remake of The Beverly Hillbillies.

9:24: Palin claims her area of expertise is energy. Oh, please, Biden. Destroy her. Destroy her and make her your own.

9:25: Biden points out that the windfall tax Palin instituted in Alaska is part of Obama’s economic plan and something John McCain opposes. OH SNAP.

9:26: Bankruptcy bill. Palin would have supported it. LINES NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Odds Biden mentions that he voted for it: very poor. Palin’s answer is… blather. Oh my god, is she coming apart already? SHE IS. Sarah Palin Podium On Fire Equivalent: .3 podiums.

9:27: Gwen Ifill, in the tank for Obama, points out that Biden voted for the extremely unpopular bankruptcy bill. Biden umms and ahhs and then says Obama is awesome and knew about the subprime meltdown way in advance, and says that bankruptcy courts need to be better for the people and stuff. Bad answer, but eh.

9:29: Sarah Palin wants to talk more about energy (lines NOT happy) and says that we need to drill - excuse me, “exploit domestic energy sources”, then attacks “east coast politicians.” Tupac, up in the sky, waves his forty-ouncer for her.

9:30: Gwen Ifill wants to ask about climate change, and asks Palin “what is true” about climate change. Palin equivocates and admits that there are changes, and doesn’t want to argue about the causes. Oh my god she is falling apart again, just tripping over words. How did this woman get elected to anything? Jesus Christ. She has said “we gotta become energy independent” like fifteen times now, then attacks foreign countries for polluting, and then claims that she is for conservation.

9:32: Biden: “It is manmade, you dumb cunt.” No, not really, but wouldn’t that be great? Says “we’re the cause,” then points out that McCain doesn’t vote for alternative energy like, ever, and then says “clean coal and nuclear power” because he needed to make me irritated, then attacks China for burning dirty coal, which is not like the sparkling, gleaming coal you find in America. Finishes up with saying that drilling won’t produce oil for ten years.

9:34: Sarah Palin says “drill baby drill” because she is a dumbass. Then complains that drilling is great and why don’t Obama and Biden want to drill more? Man-lines LOVE drilling! Women, not so much.

9:36: Biden points out that drilling for oil doesn’t do shit about global warming. FINALLY.

9:36: Biden is unequivocally for same-sex marriage benefits. And the lines are SUPPORTIVE, because he does it right: he talks about basic fairness. HA HA EAT THAT YOU CULTURE WAR FUCKERS.

9:38: Palin says she’s against gay marriage (basically) and then points out that just because she doesn’t want gay couples to get married doesn’t mean she’s intolerant! YES IT DOES, YOU STUPID BITCH. (My god, I am hardpressed to think of the last woman I loathed quite as much as Sarah Palin.)

9:39: Men, surprisingly, much more for same-sex marriage benefits.

9:40: Gwen Ifill asks about a pullout strategy in Iraq. Palin talks about the surge, which is, you know, the exact opposite thing. Blathers about Obama voting against funding the troops, which is bullshit. The lines are just generally not enthusiastic about any of this particularly. Lumps together the Shia extremists and Al-Qaeda, because she is an idiot.

9:41: Biden: “All due respect, but I didn’t hear a plan.” SNAP

9:42: Biden promises to end the war. Lines VERY VERY HAPPY.

9:43: Palin accuses Biden and Obama of being surrenderers. Lines BELOW THE MIDDLE. And mostly staying there. My god, women really really do not like Sarah Palin. At least not in Ohio.

9:44: OH GOD SARAH PALIN SO ANNOYING SHE IS MAKING ME WANT TO TURN GAY no no I like the ladies BUT SHE IS A LADY OH THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE pretend she is a pre-op tranny maybe that will help

9:45: Biden: “I love McCain, but he is a fucking idiot, only suitable to be kept behind a stairwell and hidden from polite company.”

9:45: Iran or Pakistan? CHOOSE ONE! Biden says Pakistan, because they already have nukes, whereas Iran does not yet have nukes. Iran getting a nuke would be bad, but Pakistan already has them! Lines firmly on his side. Then says again that McCain is wrong about Iraq. Lines like him even more.

9:47: “Which is worse, Palin?” She picks both, then says “hey, Iraq is pretty bad you know!” Then, in an ironic moment, she accuses Ahmadnejad of being dangerously unstable. HEY LADY LOOK WHO YOU’RE RUNNING WITH. Then accuses Obama of being dangerously naive, unlike a woman who believes dinosaurs lived with cavemen.

9:49: Dictators HATE America! They hate tolerance! And respect for women’s rights! Like the right to choose! Um! Pretend she didn’t mention that bit! Anyway, Obama is willing to talk with them! And that’s bad!

9:50: Biden absolutely tears apart Palin on foreign policy yet again. I genuinely don’t think at this point Palin is coming anywhere close to hitting it out of the park, or even a double. Maybe a single on base.

9:51: Biden pulls out McCain-and-Spain in the most gloriously assholic way possible.

9:52: Sarah Palin’s answer on Israel is possibly the least coherent thing she has said all night. She just says anything vaguely related to the topic at hand and hopes it sticks. She is a human bullshit shotgun. She is a thesaurus gone retarded.

9:53: Biden tears apart the Bush adminstration’s foreign policy step-by-step. He is being such a jerk. The lines love him, because he knows what he is talking about and it is obvious.

9:54: Palin is so happy that everybody loves Israel! And then complains that Biden and Obama are playing the “blame game” and are fingerpointing, which is convenient because the fingers are all pointed at her useless idiot party.

9:55: Biden: “Past is prologue.” Oh YES. Then does a very good job, policywise, of linking McCain to Bush. Lines like this very much.

9:56: Palin boldly comes out against nuclear war. Secretly, she hopes that Joe Biden will say he is PRO nuclear war! Then she will win the debate for sure!

9:58: Palin: America needs a surge in Afghanistan like they do in Iraq! And how dare Obama say that soldiers have accidentally killed Afghani civilians! They’re building schools, you know!

9:59: Biden: “Our commanding general in Afghanistan said TODAY that a surge won’t work there.” OH SNAP. Biden is just pwning Palin on foreign policy so fierce it is crazy. I mean, this isn’t even close. This is like me playing Kasparov at chess. No, this is like my mom’s cat playing Kasparov at chess. “No, kitty, don’t eat the rook.”

10:00: Palin’s starting to lose her temper.

10:01: Biden talks about Kosovo. The lines like Kosovo! (What the hell are “Bosniaks,” though? They sound like a type of sneaker.) Then says America can lead in Darfur if it’s willing to do so. The lines really, really like this.

10:03: Palin tries to say that Biden is a flip-flopper, then tries to compare him to John Kerry, all while playing her cutesy small-town chick rule, then blathers some more. My god this woman never should be in charge of anything ever. Then starts talking about the Alaska Permanent Fund, and how they divested themselves from Sudan, because - Christ, I don’t know any more.

10:05: That was an uncharacteristically weak response by Biden and the lines showed it.

10:06: “John McCain knows how to win a war!” This is true. McCain won the War Against American Airplanes, and the War Against Being Faithful To His First Wife, and the War Against Coherence. Military wars, no, John McCain hasn’t won any of those.

10:08: “What if the president died?” Biden: I’d keep carrying out Obama’s policies, because they are awesome sauce. The lines love him. ESPECIALLY the ladies. That is why Joe Biden is called the Silver Fox. Palin: “I would wet myself, then go into a corner and cry.” No, actually she says she’d do whatever she wanted to do because they are a team of mavericks (current maverick count: seven), which means putting government on the side of the people and fighting corruption and bringing small-town values to Washington, because what the country needs is the viewpoint of one-tenth of its population in charge. The lines like this. FUCK OHIO. FUCK OHIO RIGHT IN THE ASS. (Which would be, what, Cincinatti? I have no idea about Ohio.)

10:10: “Say it ain’t so, Joe!” You kinda get the feeling she’s been waiting to say that all night, doncha? And she starts talking about education, which means talking about the teachers in her family in lieu of anything about, you know, policy or anything like that.

10:13: Ifill brings out the “what does the veep DO, anyway?” Palin says “we all know!” Then says “presiding over the Senate,” and not a lot else. Talks about energy independence, because that is her area of expertise, god save America.

10:14: Biden: “as veep, I would shove Obama’s legislation down the throats of Congress and make them love it and ask for seconds. Also, I have a big mouth.”

10:16: Oh god Gwen ifill is asking Sarah Palin a question about the Constitution. Palin, predictably, talks about nothing for a couple of minutes and doesn’t actually answer the question in any way. Blather blather blather. Sarah Palin Podium On Fire Rating: 0.4.

10:17: Biden slags Dick Cheney, because that is the easy road to popularitytown. Says that the VP has no actual enumerated power beyond deciding tie votes. Whew.

10:18: Oh god, a question about Sarah Palin’s experience. She is qualified, I shit you not, because she is connected to the heartland of America. SHE REALLY SAID THAT. Then she talks about how they’ve “been there” worrying about healthcare, despite having been a public servant for most of her adult life. She is also an agent of tolerance, because when you think about small-town America, you think “tolerant.”

10:19: Biden’s experience. He admits to having a big mouth. Well, duh. Talks about being a single parent (lines very appreciative). Nearly breaks down for a bit talking about how he knows what it’s like having to worry about having a child who “might not make it.” Lines SKYROCKET for that.

10:22: Palin: Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick James Garner maverick. Mentions how Joe Lieberman and Rudy Giuliani love McCain. Oh, please, Sarah Palin, mention two of the least popular politicians in America some more!

10:23: Shorter Biden: “Maverick? BULLSHIT.” Lines are VERY VERY big on this. Veep candidates are attack dogs and Biden just chewed up McCain and spat him out.

10:24: Ifill: “What did you change your opinion on, issuewise, because of changing circumstances?” Biden: I didn’t think Supreme Court justices mattered because all candidates were responsible. Then I learned what shit really goes down. Palin: I didn’t veto budgets, and it was the right thing to do, even though it left my town twenty million bucks in the hole after three years, which was not my fault because other people put together those budgets, not me.

10:27: “How will you change the tone?” Biden: I have a history of working across the aisle to get shit done. Look at my record. I don’t question people’s motives (yeah, sure). Palin: I appointed people regardless of political affiliation, be they Republican, Libertarian, or Scientologist.

10:29: Palin’s closing statement: I’d like more debates! (Suuuuure you would, Sarah.) I like talking directly to the people, rather than being asked questions by pesky “journalists” who might “know things” about my “record and stated beliefs.” I’m lucky to be an American, and so is John McCain, and Reagan said something, and fight fight fight fight fight fight fight maverick fight fight maverick maverick change fight fight go Huskies fight fight fight. Lines: a little bit likey.

10:30: Biden’s closing statement: middle class needs to do better, we need to do better, John McCain is a fucktard, and the only reason I’m not saying “this woman at the other podium is a retard” is because I don’t have to by this point. Time to get up off the mat, America! Lines: love him to death.

And that’s it. I suspect the pundits will declare Palin’s performance to be all right but not exactly a solid win, because that’s the best way to discuss things.

8:39: I really shouldn’t be watching this on CNN, but they have so many gadgets. A countdown clock! A group of undecided voters! (Who, interestingly, think Obama will win the debate 70-30 before it even starts, thus rendering “undecided voter” even closer than ever to “dumbass.”) A group of “analysts” who will score McCain and Obama on how well they hit “opportunities,” thus rendering the actual substance of the debate exactly as important as CNN thinks it is, which is not very much at all!

8:43: Wolf Blitzer is another one of those people who really, really needs to be punched in the face.

8:48: The guy who looks like Mr. Potato Head says that McCain has a huge advantage because he has a good sense of humour, right after marveling how amazing it is that the candidates will have to speak for five minutes at a time - why, it’s nearly as strenuous as a high school forensics competition!

8:50: Actually I think I would like to punch CNN’s entire political team in the face. Maybe not Campbell Brown, she is pretty and occasionally says things that are not stupid. But the rest of them, yes.

8:55: To “set the scene” CNN has established that a debate party supporting Obama is full of black people, where a debate party supporting McCain is full of white people. JURMALISM!

8:56: However, on the bright side, everybody seems to agree that John McCain is a master debater while Obama cannot string two words together in a debate context. Nothing like setting the bars of expectation where Obama wants them. (I am not being sarcastic.)

8:58: Ted Kennedy: still not dead.

9:00: Jim Lehrer, staring at the screen, dead-eyed. YES THIS IS TELEVISION AT ITS MOST GRIPPING. Debate rules! Who doesn’t love debate rules! The audience isn’t allowed to cheer except when Obama and McCain show up, and then again when they leave, and are allowed one “woo” if either Obama or McCain busts a particularly funky move.

9:03: Financial crisis question and the bailout plan. Do you support the bailout plan, Senator Obama? Wall Street is not Main Street. He goes through his points as to what he expects from any bailout plan. The lines say the people like his points. However, in a shocking bit of news, Republicans do not like it when he blames George Bush.

9:06: John McCain sends out his props to Kennedy, whom he calls “T-Dog.” No, I just made that up. The crisis is very bad. It’s bad. It’s so bad. People will lose jobs, that’s how bad it is. If you notice I am not being specific here, there is a reason for that. And finally, let’s eliminate our dependence on foreign oil.

9:08: Do you favor the plan specifically, then, guys? Obama explains how he has been mostly right all along, and finally says “yes, we have to intervene,” but then comes out for more regulation. The lines seem to like his regulation. John McCain talks about Dwight Eisenhower, then says we need to hold people accountable, and says he got criticized for calling for the resignation of Chris Cox, which is, you know, not true, because McCain said he would fire Cox, which, like, the President can’t do.

9:12: Jim Lehrer wants them to talk to each other. Obama keeps it classy and doesn’t go for the gutshot on McCain. The lines like him. They dip down for McCain when he starts talking about, you know, nothing. McCain then again calls the USA the greatest “exporter and importer,” which A) it isn’t and B) so what if it was.

9:14: McCain starts talking about government spending being out of control aaaaand yes he’s talking about earmarks, linking corruption to earmarks (what?) and attacks Obama for earmark spending. Okay, first test here: can Obama really kick McCain in the nuts over this?

9:16: Obama admits that earmarks are bothersome, but then points out BASIC MATH! In a presidential debate! Who would’ve thunk. Talks up his tax plan, which makes the lines go SUPER HAPPY. McCain attacks Obama about earmarks some more then ignores the basic math and goes back to the corruption argument, then complains that Obama is asking for eleventy billion dollars in new spending - and Obama interrupts and reiterates, again, that earmarks alone aren’t going to do nearly enough to balance the budget.

9:20: Jim Lehrer ORDERS McCain to respond to Obama about tax policy. McCain starts talking about business flight (which is a fair point), then starts talking about earmarks AGAIN. Jesus Christ. Obama again points out his tax plan defines “rich” as “more than $250K per year” - and then mentions that McCain wants to tax health benefits. The lines mostly like that.

9:23: McCain again talks about earmark spending. This really is all he’s got.

9:26: Shifting back to the bailout again. What will they give up for the $700 billion? Obama says he’s not willing to give up energy independence and defines it as a priority. Second, fixing the healthcare system. The lines are INSANELY in favor of this. Third, competing on science and education. Fourth, rebuilding national infrastructure. (This is not quite so popular, probably because it’s a little less tangible.)

9:28: McCain wants to cut spending. Obama is super-liberal, you know! He says he’d cut ethanol subsidies (well, he’s not winning Iowa anyway, so that’s safe). He’ll cut fixed-cost military contracts! (That’ll pay for Iraq!)

9:30: Jim Lehrer says “wait, what will you cut?” Obama: portions of the energy independence program that might be more expensive than anticipated; healthcare subsidies to insurance companies via Medicare (this is popular). Obama says he’s so liberal because he opposes Bush’s policies (big Dem spike). Points out that he and Tom Coburn put together “Google for government.”

9:32: McCain: spending freeze on everything except defense (go figure). Obama: a spending freeze is dumbassed when you want more efficient government. (Paraphrased.) McCain: we spend $700 billion a year on energy independence and it has to include oil drilling and nuclear power. He starts jacking off some more about nuclear power.

9:34: Jim Lehrer: “please just admit that the financial bailout is going to make life tough for you. Please.” Almost begging. Obama admits it, then attacks McCain’s tax cuts for the rich. McCain attacks socialized medicine, because he has been on it all his life. Whoops! Then he again demands less government spending and less taxes.

9:38: McCain says “I’m not the Miss Congeniality of the Senate” for the second time. I suspect we will need a count on this one.

9:39: What are the lessons of Iraq? McCain: “I was right all along, you know. I was right in 2003, and then I was right about the surge, and I was right about everything else. In summary: I am right.”

9:40: The consequences of defeat in Iraq would have been: greater sectarian violence and expanded influence from Iran. (Wait, didn’t that happen?)

9:41: Obama: the lesson of Iraq is that it was a stupid fucking idea, and maybe we shouldn’t do stupid fucking things. Oh, and Iraq is costing the USA a shitload of money, and we didn’t get Osama, so let’s hear it for not being fucking stupid.

9:43: McCain: I was right I was right I was right. Lines are more or less okay for this, but they aren’t spiking nearly that high as Obama spiked.

9:45: Obama: The surge was a desperate attempt to contain four years of fuckups. Hey, John, were you right about the war being “quick and easy?” (Republicans, surprisingly, not pissed about this at all.) McCain: Obama is a dumbass and I went to Iraq. Independent voter lines are SAGGING.

9:47: McCain lays out the Little Golden Reader Book version of how you occupy a country peacefully as if it was somehow relevant. And then lies about Obama being willing to support troops, which Obama calls him on.

9:48: McCain has the WEIRDEST grin on his face. I think he’s starting to get pissed off.

9:50: Afghanistan! More troops, says Obama! Slams Iraq again for being a strategic mistake. And starts talking about having to deal with Pakistan, which the lines like, because Pakistan is inherently anti-line.

9:53: McCain attacks Obama for talking about having to deal with Pakistan and… is McCain saying the US needs to occupy Afghanistan in the same manner as Iraq? The lines like him, but… that’s a major commitment he just made right there.

9:56: Obama notes that John “Bomb bomb bomb Iran” McCain has no ground to say shit about people not being properly diplomatic.

9:57: McCain really loves Reagan! But not so much that he voted for marines going into Lebanon in 1983. Now he’s talking about some town hall meeting where some dead soldier’s mother gave him a bracelet and that the mission in Iraq must not be in vain and the United States can’t lose.

10:00: OBAMA HAS A BRACELET TOO! And his bracelet is all anti-war! BRACELET WARS!

10:02: McCain bitches out Obama for not going to Afghanistan, because McCain has BEEN THERE you know. He knows all the poppy shepherds by name.

10:03: It’s Iran time! McCain thinks if Iran gets nukes it’s very bad for Israel and all the other countries in the world. He says that Obama isn’t willing to call Iran bad guys to their faces.

10:06: Obama is willing to call the Iranian Republican Guard a terrorist organization (…yay?) and says that Iran can’t get nukes. This is mostly like saying water is wet, unless you are Iran.

10:08: McCain attacks Obama for being willing to talk to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad without preconditions and meet him in person and “legitimize” him. Obama points out that the big M-A isn’t even the most powerful man in Iran, and says he’s not afraid to meet with anybody if he thinks it’ll make America safe. The lines like that. Then points out that Henry Kissinger, a McCain advisor (and isn’t THAT a coup for McCain, he said sarcastically) is willing to meet unconditionally with bad people and in fact has done such things.

10:11: OH SNAP, it’s the “even Bush is doing what I think we should do” argument. And now Obama is going to the North Korea well, which given that it’s the biggest foreign policy fuckup of the Bush terms, is a good deep well for him. McCain looks really, really pissy.

10:12: OH SNAP AGAIN Obama pulled out the Spain attack!

10:13: McCain again going with “preconditions,” the lack of which he hates nearly so much as he does earmarks. I bet he’d really hate earmarks WITHOUT PRECONDITIONS! He also points out that North Korea is bad.

10:15: McCain has a weird grin on his face again. “Lemme get this straight, we sit down with Ahmadinejad, he says he wants to kill Israel, and we say “no you won’t?” …er, yes?

10:16: RUSSIA! The great bear! The giant bowl of borscht! Talks about defending the Eastern Bloc countries because they are members of NATO, says that Ukraine and Georgia can join NATO if they can manage the requirements. Also says that we can’t have a Cold War position with Russia, because that is, you know, INSANE. The lines really like this.

10:18: McCain’s turn, and he’s gonna attack Obama for being naive about Russia - and the lines are DROPPING. McCain is sure that we are not going to go back to the Cold War. Presumably because he wants to fight a hot one.

10:20: The lines are back up for McCain talking about Georgia and the Eastern Bloc supporting them. McCain has been to Georgia, you know! But generally he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about, which is impressive given that McCain is a doddering old fart. The lines reflect him sounding competent.

10:22: Obama ties Russia’s power to petrodollars and the need for America to become energy independent. Lines start going up in anticipation of his argument, and then points out more BASIC MATH by talking about how small America’s domestic oil supplies in fact are.

10:24: John McCain is sniffing loudly for some reason. It is very audible. He then lies some more about offshore drilling about how it will help on price. Obama really, REALLY wants to respond to this. He tries, but McCain starts talking over him.

10:26: Will the USA see another 9/11? McCain doesn’t think so! Because he worked with Joe Lieberman (gag). And then he says that he doesn’t want torture, which is some of the rankest bullshit he has yet spewed tonight.

10:28: Obama thinks the USA is safer too, but says there’s way more to do in terms of port control and how nuclear proliferation is incredibly important. He talks up missile defense (sigh) in terms of North Korea (which is the only likely thing missile defense can feasibly protect the USA from, so, well, that’s something I guess) but restates the need to stop proliferation, and then points out basically that he’s popular and the world likes him and that’s not nothing. And then he congratulates McCain’s shitty hypocritical record on torture. Christ, Barack!

10:31: McCain brings back nuclear proliferation to… Iraq? WHAT. THE. FUCK. The lines are mostly sharing my what-the-fuckness.

10:33: Obama basically says “yeah, Iraq, whatever, we owe China our kitchen sink plus the kitchen, that’s way worse.” Which is mostly true. Talks about the need for economic strength again, which the lines LOVE. Talks about veteran funding and how it’s important, and basically implies that John McCain has Iraq-based tunnel vision.

10:34: HOLY SHIT JOHN MCCAIN IS COMPARING OBAMA TO BUSH. The lines are notably not with him on this. Then he talks about how he loves veterans, except when there’s a GI Bill to vote for. Oh, wait, not that last part.

10:36: Obama: “My father came from Kenya.” Reeeeeeeeeeaaallly.

10:37: “When I came home from prison…” POW POW POW POW POW. And that ends the debate.

Final thoughts: McCain spent most of the debate looking to score a zinger. Obama spent most of it looking intelligent. I think Obama wins on points, but not a knockout punch. But, remember - this was the foreign policy debate. This was where McCain was arguably strongest, and I don’t even think he managed a tie - and the lines agree with me.

John McCain wants to postpone this Friday’s debate on foreign policy, supposedly because he wants to concentrate on the economy. (What McCain would actually do is really kind of hard to say, but hey, that’s his excuse.)

Five ways the Obama campaign can respond without appearing ungentlemanly in a “McCain wants to work to solve the problem and Obama wants to campaign” sort of way:

1.) Offer that the first debate instead be about economic policy.
2.) Agree to cancel the debate, then hold a televised townhall meeting in its place about foreign policy.
3.) Agree to cancel the debate, then hold a televised townhall meeting in its place about the economy.
4.) A combination of 2 and 3.
5.) Go to Washington, use magic powers, solve all economic problems forever via secret words of the Vishanti, then hold original debate as planned.

EDIT TO ADD: Fark’s headline is pretty much the best thing ever.

Ever since the current government made their staggering cuts to arts funding, Stephen Harper has claimed that the Conservatives spend more on the arts than the Liberals did. “Really?,” everyone asked. “Sure,” said Harper, “I even have my grade 9 in piano!”

The problem with making those kind of claims is that it’s really hard to know for sure. Thanks to a soon-to-be published report from the Canadian Conference of the Arts (and some excellent journalism by James Bradshaw at the Globe and Mail) we now know for sure that Stephen Harper is a big fat liar. About the funding, that is; I have heard nothing about his skill as a pianist.

Anyway, so the reason Harper is a liar is because he said that the Cons spent more on arts funding than the Libs. If he had said they spent more on culture funding than the Libs, he might have gotten a pass—though Bradshaw points out that the Cons are taking undue credit for a large boost to culture funding that occured in their first year in power, fiscally speaking.

“Culture” is the responsibility of the Department of Canadian Heritage. It includes things that you and I would consider to be arts (visual art, music, film, television, radio, dance, etc.) and some things that fall better into the vague category of culture (sports, national identity building, official language initiatives). The former category is called SO1 and the latter SO2.

The report shows that since 2006-07, funding for SO1 has fallen from $817-million to $759-million. However, funding for SO2 increased from $567.7-million in 2006-07 to $631.6-million in 2008-09. And that’s not even including the $45-million from the recently axed SO1 programs (see list here) that is being shifted to SO2 programs (like the Olympics). So there you have it: arts funding is not increasing under a Conservative government. It is decreasing dramatically.

“Such a revelation certainly hints at a targeted approach to arts cuts, which would contradict the government’s assertions that programs were axed based on simple efficiency reviews – and without ideological motivation,” says Bradshaw. Targeted indeed. The Cons have have been openly hostile toward the arts and artists, ever since they circulated a memo that denounced “wealthy celebrities”, “fringe arts groups” and “highly ideological individuals” with “agendas” who inflict “offensive material” on the decent Canadian public. In an open letter to the Prime Minister, playwright-director Wajdi Mouawad says that Harper has symbolically “declared war on the artists”:

Your silence and your actions make one fear the worst for, in the end, we are quite struck by the belief that this contempt, made eloquent by your budget cuts, is very real and that you feel nothing but disgust for these people, these artists, who spend their time by wasting it and in spending the good taxpayers money, he who, rather than doing uplifting work, can only toil.

And so the harsh charictarization of the arts by the Conservative government continues. It’s arts vs. culture; SO1 vs. SO2; lazy, condescending artists vs. salt-of-the-earth taxpayers; offensive material vs. uplifting material; city-dwellers vs. everyone else; shiraz vs. Lucky lager.

It’s obvious to anyone but the teetotallers that sometimes you like to throw back a cold one and sometimes you like to shop in the LCBO Vintages section. Too many cold ones makes you stupid, and too many bottles of Bordeaux make you broke. The important thing is finding a balance, and Stephen Harper wants to throw a kegger.

I am bad at metaphors.

X-posted to Say It With Pie.

THE TORIES “WIN” THE CANADIAN FEDERAL ELECTION IF: They get a majority. That is the goal, pure and simple, and the only way they get an unqualified victory is if they get a majority. This is because financial indicators for the near future are frankly really bad (even with the Canadian banks having more of a hedge against the financial maelstrom forthcoming everywhere else than most other countries’ banks). If the Tories don’t get a majority government, they’ll be stuck with another minority, and then the Liberals will, at their leisure, force an election when they’re stronger and when the Tories are weaker thanks to being in charge during bad times. If the Tories get a majority, they can hope to ride out the next four years and maybe things don’t suck by the end. If they don’t, they’re in trouble, and everybody knows it. Of course, that’s why they called the election now; they’re trying to wring the most out of their current state of advantage.

THE TORIES “LOSE” THE ELECTION IF: If they don’t see any gains in Ontario. If they don’t see expected gains in Quebec. If their seat count in Parliament doesn’t raise by at least five seats. (Ten to fifteen seats would, given the political facts on the ground, essentially count as a tie.)

THE LIBERALS “WIN” THE ELECTION IF: They don’t collapse. This is the rare moment in Canadian history where the Liberal party could legitimately fall apart for another decade if not longer; they have a leader who is not well liked (although I think Dion gets a bad rap), and no real champion waiting in the wings (Bob Rae? Michael Ignatieff? Zzzzzzz). It is possible (not likely, I think, but certainly possible and not unfeasible) that the Grits could be reduced below 45 seats in this election - a trouncing that bad would put the party in the wilderness for years and shove the NDP forward as a serious alternative for many centre-left Liberal voters.

THE LIBERALS “LOSE” THE ELECTION IF: If they lose a lot of seats to the NDP. If they get cleaned out in Quebec (the nightmare scenario, and not impossible at this point). If their popular support in the Maritimes or Toronto shows signs of seriously fading.

THE NDP “WINS” THE ELECTION IF: They continue their slow-but-steady seat increase as they have over the past few elections. Whatever one can say negatively about Jack Layton (STOP WITH THE FUCKING ROBOCALLS, JACK), you can’t say that he hasn’t pulled the party out of its late-90s doldrums. This time around, the NDP is looking to capitalize on its by-election win in Outremont (its first Quebec victory in, like, ever) with another victory in Gatineau or Hull, and to continue its steady and gradual growth in the Maritimes by taking seats in Newfoundland (where the Tories are stumbling thanks to Danny Williams being a pugnacious asshole). They even have a shot in Oshawa thanks to the auto manufacturing crisis on Ontario. The ideally realistic NDP scenario is a growth of five to ten seats.

THE NDP “LOSES” THE ELECTON IF: Thomas Mulcair is defeated in Outremont; the Liberals steal their expected Maritime seats; NDP ridings that should be more or less locks (like Trinity-Spadina) go Liberal instead.

THE GREEN PARTY “WINS” THE ELECTION IF: Elizabeth May wins her seat in Central Nova. This is their only realistic shot at winning a seat on their own merit, and it is, seriously, put up or shut up time for the Greens. Disaffected voters will only flirt with a fringe party for so long before they expect it to become competitive, and the Greens’ fifteen minutes are almost up.

THE GREEN PARTY “LOSES” THE ELECTION IF: May doesn’t win. Period.

THE BLOC QUEBECOIS “WINS” THE ELECTION IF: They manage to hold back the rising rural Tory tide in Quebec. The Bloc currently have 48 seats; after the election, if they manage to keep more than 40 of them, they’ve done extremely well. And you know they’re desperate; when Gilles Duceppe says he wants to attract federalist votes in Quebec, that’s when the Bloc is in dire straits indeed.

THE BLOC QUEBECOIS “LOSES” THE ELECTION IF: They drop below 30 seats, which would be a drubbing. If they drop below 25, expect to see defections in the ranks. Like the Liberals, this is an election which can potentially send the Bloc into the politicla wilderness; unlike the Liberals, who will always eventually resurrect themselves and take back the reins of power, the Bloc could simply dissolve if things go badly enough.

This is fucking brilliant.

(SCENE: a nondescript hotel room, covered with paper, the television tuned to CNN. JOSH, TOBY, SAM, DONNA, and CJ are sitting around the room in various states of concentration.)

SAM: (reading aloud) “This election is important, not because it is about change but because it is about choice. As a politician, I choose to present you with facts. My opponent chooses to lie to you. Your job is to choose as well - but the other guy doesn’t want your job to be easy.”
TOBY: Shift from formal speech to informal conversation. Wait, did I say informal? I meant “folksy.”
SAM: Folksy?
TOBY: From my lips to L’il Abner’s ears, yes.
SAM: What’s wrong with folksy? People like folksy.
TOBY: How about he’s not folksy? How about it comes across as inauthentic? Like he’s trying to get people to like him?
CJ: But we are trying to get people to like him.
TOBY: There’s a fine line between charismatic and pathetic. You are jumping, you are vaulting over that line.
SAM: I’ll rewrite it.

Silence. Then:

JOSH: When did people stop doing math?
DONNA: For me, that would be grade eleven.
JOSH: I don’t mean - look. He’s promising to increase military spending and cut taxes, and his entire plan for not making the country go broke is cutting earmarks. That’s like you trying to pay off your credit card by saving your change when you buy gum.
DONNA: I don’t have that much on my credit card.
JOSH: Yes you do.
(Pause.)
DONNA: There was a sale on widescreen televisions.
JOSH: You watch the news and “Grey’s Anatomy.”
DONNA: And I can see every last one of their pores in glorious high definition.
JOSH: But you watch the news. Donna, how is the fiscal outlook of the United States right now?
DONNA: Are you asking me or are you asking the campaign’s press secretary?
JOSH: I’m asking you.
DONNA: Then it’s pretty bad.
JOSH: Then why does he think he can just yell out “tax cuts” and everything will work?
CJ: Because both parties spent years convincing the American electorate that we were on the wrong side of the Laffer curve and we needed to cut taxes in order to make the government more efficient and put more money in voters’ pockets.
JOSH: I know, but wouldn’t you think they’d have figured out we were all full of crap yet?
CJ: You’d think.

Silence for a while, then:

TOBY: I can’t take this any more!
JOSH: (checking watch) Who had eight-thirty to nine o’clock in the pool?
SAM and DONNA and CJ: (in unison) Charlie.
JOSH: Why do I ever let that kid gamble?
TOBY: How do I do this job? He just lies and lies and lies and nobody gives a damn!
JOSH: We do.
TOBY: You don’t count.
SAM: Black voters do. Hispanics do. Younger -
TOBY: Yes, Sam, thank you, I needed a description of the Democratic Party’s traditional base, now how about independent voters? You know, the stupid ones? I mean, I knew they were stupid, we spend most of every other year catering to their stupidity, but I thought until now they were just dense and uninterested, not actively handicapped!
JOSH: Look, we knew we’d have to grind this one out.
TOBY: This isn’t “grinding it out,” Josh. Every day they lie. Phyllis Schafly’s hot daughter is on the campaign trail every day lying - not shading the truth, not trying to make a bad thing look better, she’s just lying every time she opens her goddamn mouth about things that are in the public record for anybody to see!
CJ: Toby, the press -
TOBY: The press! The press! The press is useless, CJ! Worse than useless! Never mind that this year the choice comes down to a gifted young leader and the Cryptkeeper and they want “balance” - you know what they call them? “Distortions.” Not lies. “Distortions.”
DONNA: “Distortions” doesn’t sound that good.
TOBY: It sounds better than “lies” and that’s all that matters. People who don’t follow politics know what “distortions” are - they’re what you get when a politician tries to make something average sound good. But this - I don’t know to fight this. We call them lies, everybody will get caught up in a big round of “everybody does it” and nobody cares. Worse, we destroy what we’ve got - a guy who people think doesn’t like it because he doesn’t like it. We’re walking a razor here and I’m out of ideas.
(Pause.)
JOSH: I vote for beer.
TOBY: Is that your answer to this?
JOSH: It’s my answer to needing beer. Come on, Toby, let’s go get a drink and then come back and tackle it fresh.
(All rise and proceed to exit. From out in the hallway…)
SAM: You know, he jumps from formal speech to folksy all the time when he writes his own stuff.
TOBY: Great. Let’s get him a straw hat and have him hum the tune to “Hee Haw.” I bet that puts Alabama in play.

To all those people emailing me to complain that the political Magic cards post was “too biased for the Democrats,” my response is thus:

(image via Weasel King)

I’ve been seeing this diary start to get passed around the internets as “proof” of the John McCain campaign’s ineptitude - that they didn’t buy McCain Foods’ hyperlink before the campaign.

People. McCain Foods is fucking gigantic. They make about six billion dollars a year in revenue and they’re a Canadian company so there isn’t really even the influence-peddling issue to consider - if they’re going to bend over for anybody, they’ll bend over for the Tories, not some dinky little American presidential campaign that’s spent less in two years than what McCain Foods makes in two weeks.

Also, consider:

Anybody who can make an advertisement like that (and McCain Foods ads are legendarily crappy, trust me) does not fear John McCain’s wrath, is what I am saying.

I’ve said before that I think people who believe Pakistan to be a Musharraf away from Islamic theocracy to be wildly overconcerned, considering that the main conflict in Pakistan is between secular conservatives and secular moderates. This story serves as further evidence for my view.

This time around, congratulations are due to mightybaldking, Matt Morrison, James Farley, Reylance, Pedro e Silva and Michael McGee, as well as myself (who edited their ideas and added a few originals of my own). So yay for them! They are nerds too.

FYI: All those appealing to me for a “more [ideologically] balanced” set of cards probably should have thought about who they were asking for a second.

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Hey, remember how everybody was saying Joe Biden would have to go easy on Sarah Palin in the veep debate to keep from looking like a bully?

After the incredible amount of abuse and bullshit she just doled out, she just gave Joe Biden permission to tear her the fuck apart.

EDIT TO ADD: And let me be blunt: a speech like that in Canadian politics gets you laughed out of the room.

When Mike Murphy and Peggy Noonan were on MSNBC, they were talking up Sarah Palin like she was the best thing since the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

However, when they’re off the air and don’t know they’re being taped…?

This year’s Republican Party platform includes support for abolishing adjusting for inflation when accounting for the federal budget.

In short: the Republican Party officially wants to pretend that inflation doesn’t exist.

I haven’t said too much about the whole Sarah Palin thing, because everybody else is saying it for me in all sorts of ways.

However, I haven’t heard too much discussion of this. I am not surprised, because insinuations that Sarah Palin’s fifth child might not actually be hers are both A) tawdry and B) not relevant to her doing the job of Vice-President anyhow, so it makes total sense to me that most people who think she’s a bad pick aren’t talking about it - it’s so National Enquirer, you know?

But this comment over at Obsidian Wings more or less reflects my feelings about the situation:

Speaking as someone who has borne 2 children and has some experience with labor, midwives, obstetricians, etc., Palin’s story *is not believable*. I have no idea what really happened, but the story she tells — her water broke in Texas, she flew back to Alaska so the baby would be born there (at least 8 hours), she was back to work in 3 days — is flatly incredible.

d) to summarize (before I go cut up tomatoes): if Palin’s story is true, she could only have gotten on that plane Against Medical Advice given in the *strongest* terms. Or else she concealed her condition from her medical team, in a grossly risky way.

Palin’s story of her fifth pregnancy, as written, is just weird, and almost certainly not true. Is her behaviour here worthy of investigation? If it turns out she’s lying, is that something that should be considered a negative?

I’m genuinely asking here; I’m not really sure either way.

I know my posts at The Court aren’t generally of mass importance to my readership, but this one is different. Recently, a collection of Christian activist groups, led by the abominable Charles McVety, petitioned the Canadian Judicial Council for the removal of Chief Justice Beverly McLachlin, based on her participation in the Order of Canada Advisory Council’s nomination of Henry Morgentaler to the Order of Canada.

What’s important is that their letter is little more than a pack of lies.

I’m serious, folks: spread this one around if you can. This is little more than an attempt by Canada’s religious right wing to create the “judicial activism” controversy out of nothing.

So rumour has it that Senator Evan Bayh is the hot pick for Barack Obama’s vice-presidential candidate. And hoo boy is this a bad idea. It’s a bad idea for so many reasons: his wishy-washy DLC conservatism, his singleminded hawkishness on foreign policy, his essentially boring nature, the potential for depressing Obama’s activist base by picking a candidate who’s emblematic of Washington-as-usual, the fact that he has a stupid name. But most importantly is this:

Evan Bayh has a really punchable face.

Now, before I continue, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I do not endorse or suggest, in any way, that people should punch Evan Bayh in the face. Even though he’s a DLC Democrat, he probably doesn’t deserve to be punched in the face. (Joe Lieberman probably does, though, if you’re looking for a comparison to work from.)

But look at this happy asshole, will you? The dead-eyed stare mixed with the shit-eating grin mixed with the perfect, corporate hair. Evan Bayh has the face of that bank manager, the one who’s foreclosing on your home, telling you “it’s just business” but deep down, you can tell fucking someone over like this gives him a bit of wood. I’m not saying Evan Bayh is that guy - well, possibly he is, he’s a Washington veteran and that doesn’t come without some deadening of the soul - but he looks like that guy. And you want to punch that guy in the face.

Now that we’ve established that Evan Bayh looks like a guy you would want to punch in the face, the next question to ask is this: do you want to vote for a guy you’d like to punch in the face? Generally speaking, people do not want to vote for face-punch guy. Stephen Harper has an exquisitely punchable face and it’s at least forty percent responsible for the Tories not getting a majority back in the last Canadian federal election. Do you want Evan Bayh’s facepunchability dragging down the Obama campaign?

Because it will do so. Imagine Joe Voter getting into the voting booth. Joe Voter is your typical voter: follows one or two issues closely, relies on the media to tell him about the others, votes more strongly on character issues than he would like to admit. He gets into the booth and thinks, “Well, I like Obama’s positions, but what does it say about the guy that he picked this guy I want to punch in the face for vice-president? I mean, does Obama not want to punch him in the face? Or maybe he does, but he’s a cynical politician who’s willing to work around that because he’s just another cynical politician trolling for votes. I’m not sure which is worse. I’d better vote for John McCain. He’d punch that guy in the face. Maybe shoot him, too.”

Thus, I recommend joining the “no Evan Bayh for VP” Facebook group. I would join, except that I am Canadian and do not wish to imply that my endorsement or lack thereof for a VP candidate should particularly matter. I am just saying: punchable face.

Hilzoy over at Obsidian Wings is angry about the fact that athletes are going to have to compete in the horrible Chinese smog, where they can’t be at their best (heck, where they stand a good chance of not finishing their events). This is understandable, because people like watching the Olympics; they’re fun and at their best moments display the potential for nobility inherent within the human spirit, which no doubt is what Pierre de Coubertin intended.

But make no mistake: if we have to watch athletes wheezing their way through events, turning the Olympics into a joke? Well, it’s really no less than we deserve. We’re all of us wholly complicit in China’s environmental rape. Nobody forced us to go buy cheap Chinese-made goods, but we did. (And seriously - try avoiding them. IKEA’s goods are all almost Chinese-made now, for heaven’s sake. You go to IKEA, you expect stuff to be Swedish, but no.) And we can pretend all we like that giving China the Olympics was done in the hope that their society would open up, but all that’s happened instead is the party leadership treating the Olympics as a propaganda opportunity and cracking down even more harshly on dissidents. How we’re supposed to be surprised by that happening is beyond me.

So maybe these Olympics should really, really suck. Maybe then we’ll learn something about the limits of the healing power of sport, or at the very least about the wholly scummy, sycophantic nature of the International Olympic Committee. Maybe then.