I am going to be a writer for television

I have decided that I am going to write for the television. After all, if John Rogers can do it, anybody can do it! It is an especially great career for me because you don’t need no special training or knowledge except the power of imagination! And I have plenty of imagination. If you could only see the donuts that I conceptualize in my mind, you would get down on your knees and weep. Weep.

So I am working on my spec scripts. A spec script is a script you write for free, from the Latin speculum, which translated into real language means “cheap fuck.” You write a spec script so that Hollywood can see that you are talented, and then they give you money. There may be additional steps to this process, I don’t know, maybe they write you a cheque and you have to show multiple forms of identification. That’s why I’m getting my passport next week.

But I have a conundrum! Which is like a problem except it is also Latin but I don’t know what it translates into. (I would guess “problem.”) I am deciding which of my fine spec scripts I should send out to Hollywood for my first shot at becoming a rich, successful writer, and I have decided that I will let the masses (that would be you) help me decide. In order to show my appreciation, when I am a famous Hollywood creative type, I will write your name into a script where the character I name after you is brutally murdered. If you’re really helpful I’ll make sure that Nathan Fillion is the murderer! Because you’re all nerds and nerds love Nathan Fillion.

So what I have so far is this:

Battlestar Galactica: Intrigue abounds upon the Galactica when it is revealed that Caprica was not destroyed by the Cylons, as everybody thought, but by the fiendish Mexican drug lord Napanones! Men and women and Cylons and girl-Cylons break down in tears when they discover that all the genocide was merely a ruse to free up interstellar shipping lanes for Napanones’ space-cocaine empire. Adama (one of them) gets down on his knees and screams “DAAAAAAMMMMN YOUUUUUU NAPANONES! DAMMMMMMMNN YOUUUUUUU!” In the subplot, Starbuck becomes a space-cocaine addict, and only Gaius Baltar can save her… from herself!

Dollhouse: Echo is programmed to become the most amazing accountant of all time, because the company that hired the Dollhouse needs the Ultimate Accountant, who knows every form, every deduction off by heart. However, when a form 22-1-dash-Alpha-B goes missing, the company takes Accountant Echo hostage, and the only one who can save her is Sierra… who becomes the Ultimate Tax Lawyer! In the B-plot, the creepy guy who does computers does something with computers.

Desperate Housewives: Susan fucks a guy. Lynette fucks her husband. Gabrielle fucks her husband and another guy (not together). Bree refuses to fuck anybody because she is uptight and stuff. Then, the Sasquatch attacks! In the B-plot, Edie fucks the Sasquatch.

Smallville: Alfred Gough and Miles Millar come to Smallville and apologize profusely for thirty minutes, and then they are beaten and hanged while trumpets play triumphantly in the background. In the subplot, Clark turns to face the viewers and starts hypnotizing them, all the time saying “this never happened, you have been watching Firefly all this time, because it was never cancelled,” and also he does the hand-waving you need to really hypnotize a guy.

The Office: Michael attempts to eat an entire turkey in seven minutes when the asshole salesman who shows up every once in a while says “that’s how I get all my ladies, through binge eating,” and Michael wants to impress Holly. Dwight shakes his head at the camera, then attacks a stranger with a knife axe halberd Bohemian ear-spoon when he mistakes the stranger for Fidel Castro. In the B-plot, Jim is revealed to actually be Jim’s evil twin brother Slim! Where is Jim? Where is Jim?

Gossip Girl: I don’t know anything about this show actually, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they did an episode where they were all midgets? Like, you know how some shows have a “musical” episode where everybody sings and stuff, and they just pretend it’s normal? I think there should be an episode of Gossip Girl where everybody is portrayed by a midget (or dwarf, I am not specific), and then the next episode everybody is their normal self again and they never mention it. THIS IS MY IDEA, HOLLYWOOD! IF YOU WANT TO USE IT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS!

According to Jim: Jim Belushi travels back in time to meet John Belushi, who is digitally inserted into the show with computers. They talk about cheeseburgers and samurai and drugs. In the end, Jim learns a lesson about being more attentive to his wife and children, and John dies while doing speedballs because he lets Jim make the speedballs and Jim mixes them wrongly so they become killer speedballs! (I think that is how speedballs work. They are like the fugu fish of the drug world.)

Anyway, it is one of these. Or maybe another! I am undecided. Help me out, people! When I am a rich Hollywood person I will pay somebody to make my own website for me! flapjacks.com is just sitting there!

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