When I got the word that I was admitted to the MGK Legion of Super-Bloggers (Check it out! Shiny new flight ring!), I thought long and hard about what I could bring to this mightiest of blogs that it didn’t already have.
It was while adjusting my knickers in the lift on the way back from the petrol station that the thought hit me like a runaway lorry: “Bloody hell– I’m in Britain! Right then, let’s knock out a huge pile of bollocks about that.”
This is, after all, the nation that spawned Alan Moore, David Lloyd, Neil Gaiman, Bryan Talbot, Warren Ellis and Paul Cornell into the world– to say nothing of Terry Pratchett. And everything they say about Britain is marvellously, disgustingly true.
However, disconcerting things have been happening here of late. A scant ten years ago, we were all scandalised by the Lord Chancellor’s announcement that he would now wear trousers rather than breeches and stockings. Word on the street was: Dude, you make over £200,000 of our money per year. You wear what we tell you to wear. Also, you fight crime! Have the grace to do it in tights!
And now, we hear that people who speak with the Queen — for example, to thank her for doing such a fine job as Canada’s head of state– no longer have to exit the room walking backwards. This would be fine if the reasoning behind it were “The Queen is an adult and can cope with seeing people’s butts. Indeed, she rather likes them. The only butt with which she has hitherto been familiar is the Duke of Edinburgh’s, and quite frankly, it no longer amuses her.” But no: they’re changing it because they’re afraid they might get sued if some idiot injures themselves. People have been moonwalking out of royal audiences since the bloody Magna Carta, and has anyone sued yet? Of course not! Anyone idiotic enough to reveal that they fell on their arse in Buckingham Palace, let alone launch a lawsuit about it, doesn’t deserve to call themselves British.
Even if you did sustain serious injury while backing slowly away from the Queen (hands where she can see ‘em, Canuck), we do have a National Health Service in this country. This means that you and your dented posterior will be whisked away to the nearest hospital, where you will be kept waiting for ages, drooled upon by drunken maniacs, subjected to blankly unhelpful attitudes and finally either grudgingly patched up or left to die on a gurney– but it will be FREE. In America, you’d get a lugubriously worded letter from your insurance company listing the multitude of reasons why being left to die on a gurney isn’t covered, and now you are both dead and broke (congrats.)
For those who missed the most recent silliness: US right-wing rag Investors’ Business Daily says in an editorial [now heavily re-edited] that Stephen Hawking “wouldn’t have a chance in the UK” because apparently they’d have let him die in order to cut costs; multiple people point out that Hawking was in fact born in the UK and lives here; Hawking himself says the UK’s health system has done just fine by him, thanks. He’s 67, carries the entire cosmos around in his head, and is mightily, awe-inspiringly British.
For if there is one thing which defines the British character, it is endurance. Whether the thing endured be tights-induced discomfort, royal etiquette-induced arsebruises or the small matter of the next nation over being wankers to you for centuries, your British person will keep calm and carry on. That’s what got us through two World Wars, up Mount Everest and frozen into a stiff-upper-lip-flavour ice lolly somewhere near the South Pole. Mmm, tasty.
(Nota bene: when the Queen awards Chris his MBE for Services to Awesome, I recommend he exit the room backwards so that he can watch her weeping as he leaves.)
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Y’know… as much as MGK deserves various Crown-distributed lapel pins, and as long lived as royal females have traditionally been (I believe, if I remember correctly, that Victoria was Queen of the United Kingdom for some 237 years)… I have doubts that ‘Ole Bess the Deuce will stick around long enough for MGK’s wickeditude to be properly recognized (which, I have no doubt it someday will. He’s on the fast track to Judge City!)
This was glorious – how is it marked as “bad comedy”?
Edmund Hilary was a New Zealander. Just saying.
Good on ya mate. Loves me some Britannia. They are an example of how a proper empire dies… Kicking and screaming not bitchin’ and moaning like the Yanks. I don’t care what the protocol is…I still won’t show my ass to the Queen. If she wants to see it she can pay for the priviledge just like everyone else.
” “The Queen is an adult and can cope with seeing people’s butts. Indeed, she rather likes them. The only butt with which she has hitherto been familiar is the Duke of Edinburgh’s, and quite frankly, it no longer amuses her.” ”
I think this is the best sentence I’ve heard all week.
Proud to keep the flag of Empire flying. Jolly good show!
“The Queen is an adult and can cope with seeing people’s butts. Indeed, she rather likes them.”
She’s a grand old dame, Her Royal Majesty is…
Luverly. 😉
Blame Lord Louis Mountbatten. In 1939 he put the butt of a tall handsome 18 year old Royal Navy Cadet (who happened to be his nephew) within the line of sight of a 13 year old Princess Elizabeth and that was that. Her Majesty decided that was worth keeping and so she did, and still does.
I think seventy years of keeping Her Majesty amused is pretty good going for any butt.
This is, after all, the nation that spawned Alan Moore, David Lloyd, Neil Gaiman, Bryan Talbot, Warren Ellis and Paul Cornell into the world– to say nothing of Terry Pratchett. And everything they say about Britain is marvellously, disgustingly true.
Shame on you for perpetuating the stereotype that “Britain” is synonymous with “England”! Last I checked, the Union Flag got it’s blue background from the St Andrews cross, missy! What about Alan Grant, Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely, hell even Mark Millar at a push!
Still, you didn’t do a bad job, I suppose! 😉
After watching six Harry Potter movies, two Narnia movies, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and Nanny McPhee, I have come to the conclusion that British children are, for the most part, ugly (with occasional outliers). Confirm/deny?
–Rawr
…indeed.
The ability to get things wrong with tremendous enthusiasm is definitely one of the things that made this country great.
Catsidhe: I stand corrected on Sir Edmund Hilary. The air is mighty thin up here.
Paul: By way of apology, I send the Scottish nation a barrel of fine whisky and a set of golf clubs; a Eurovision-style power ballad to those of the Northern Irish who wish it; and to the Welsh… a sheep. Treat her well.
Rawrasaur: ALL children are uniformly ugly (with occasional outliers.)
I never realized until today that MGK’s blog wasn’t British enough. And now I can never see myself going back…
Elizabeth: I accept your apology (and Whisky) on behalf of a nation wronged.
Hardly seems fair to the sheep though.
I did not know until today that Hawking was English. Too bad his talkbox can’t be given a proper accent.
Does somebody who injures themselves by backing out of a room, colliding with something posterior-first, and ricocheting off of that object with sufficient force to cause them to hit the floor face-first deserve to call themselves British?
I need to know this if I’m to A) successfully carry out my plan to sue the Queen, and B) call myself British.
I second that, Sofa King. My gps has an option for a british accent, why can’t Hawking’s talkbox?
Also, Elizabeth, is it true that Brits have terrible food? Because every time I read a Harry Potter book it all sounds terribly DELICIOUS, so I have a hard time believing it’s as bad as they say…
Elizabeth Graham: If that is the case, why are the children in the aforementioned films (nearly) all so homely? Compare those to the average american television cast and it’s like night and day. Or perhaps it’s just that british folks have a different standard of beauty?
–Rawr
It would be an Order of Canada for MGK. (To start with.)
And why doesn’t he have one already? I’m so going to write Stephen Harper….
And I see a problem here…
Elizabeth: oh yes, the Welsh will treat the sheep well *bow-chika-bow-wow*
CB: i’ve spent half a year in London, and as far as i can say they have excellent food from all around the world (the curry is specially mean) because their own, well, isn’t. I have a theory that one of the reasons the brits took so eagerly to sailing and conquest was because they were desperate for 2 things: good weather and acceptable food.
CB: Traditional English cuisine is quite bland due to the lack of spices and fresh vegetables. However, the English are excellent cooks, and with the ease of getting good ingredients from abroad, the renewed interest in local farming and the introduction of French, Italian, Japanese, Indian and Chinese technique over the past 500 years, you can find a meal in London as good as anywhere else in the world.
Or better. And there are plenty of good traditional British dishes. Fish and chips, for example, may not be everyone’s cup of tea; it may be nigh impossible to get in London, but is excellent fast food.
Scots cuisine is rather good, too. Haggis, Cullen Skink, stovies, while not overly glamourous, are all exceptionally tasty.
London is not the only place to get good food in the UK. It is worth noting that no one in London is actually from London – it’s intensely metropolitan and a brilliant melting pot of cultures. As such, it’s not entirely representative of the UK as a whole.
Rob Brown: No need to sue in that case, as you would probably be awarded the Victoria Cross.
Everyone is posting very good questions. I think I may answer some of them in my next post. (If you *don’t* want me to quote you in my next post, let me know here.)
While we’re talking about England and Britain (let alone Great Britain) not being synonymous, what about the Northern Irish?
If the Unionists want to be part of Britain so badly then they should get some of the blame, thinks this Antipodean.
And what about the Manx? Huh? What about the Manx?
As I understand it, they have no tails.
Rawrasaur: Comparing casts on British and U.S. TV is pointless – your networks will NEVER allow anyone who isn’t above-average attractive a major role unless their ‘ugliness’ is what the role is all about. In Britain, we don’t mind if you’ve got the talent but not the looks. Sadly, it seems in the U.S.A. you need both, or in a pinch just looks. This isn’t (I don’t think anyway) an uninformed opinion- we get vast amounts of U.S. TV dumped on us, and the last time I saw ‘normal’ looking people in major roles, it was The Wire. And before that, probably Cheers. Even your version of the office (which has become much funnier than the original, I admit) has quite attractive people in it, which seems to me to rather undermine the point of the show itself. I guess what I’m trying to say in a very long-winded manner is that it appears that looks are far more important in casting US TV shows than in casting ours. Think on this – everyone loves David Tennant as Dr. Who, right? If we’d had US style restrictions on conventionally handsome lead characters, we’d be limited to either Ioan Grufford or… well, we’d have had Ioan Grufford. And the world would be a much worse place for it!
Or some fool would have suggested Daniel Craig or Hugh Grant.
Therealmatthare: David Tennant isn’t attractive? Am I just out of the loop or something? John Barrowman is from Scotland originally (I believe, somewhere from Great Britain I’m sure) and I’d definitely say he’s attractive.
Sofa King: Craig is attractive in a rugged, outdoorsman kind of way. I’ve never understood why people think Hugh Grant is attractive.
I’d put the averageness of British actors down to the popularity of soaps like Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale, etc. They’re supposed to be about normal people leading normal lives, and that leads to actors who don’t look like they could have stepped out of Vogue or GQ.
As for Tennant, he’s not what I’d call attractive, he just seems to radiate likeableness.
Oh no, I meant suggest them as Doctor Who. Which would have been horrible.
“As for Tennant, he’s not what I’d call attractive, he just seems to radiate likeableness.”
Right. He’s not unattractive, yet for me he has this strange insectoid quality. Skinny body, big head, kind of thing.