After my last post, there were many insightful questions raised in the comments (including a well-reasoned debate on British standards of attractiveness. Surprisingly, no one has yet brought up Alan Rickman.) Anyway, among the questions was:
CB: Also, Elizabeth, is it true that Brits have terrible food? Because every time I read a Harry Potter book it all sounds terribly DELICIOUS, so I have a hard time believing it’s as bad as they say…
A good point, CB, and well made. well made. British food does have that reputation– and, of course, you can find bad food here, as you can in most other places. (For example, if an American national should find themselves here, for the love of god don’t order a hamburger.) I’m not about to try to defend haggis or black pudding either, but there are certain things the British do wonderfully well. So here is my official short list of:
GOOD BRITISH FOOD ITEMS
SAUSAGES. Britain doesn’t really enter the salami stakes– the Continentals have that one sorted– but we produce endless variations on the sausage theme. They’re called “bangers” because the British like to mix food and cartoon sound effects (see also “bubble and squeak.”) Bangers and mash are an excellent cold-weather pub dinner.
FISH AND CHIPS. We are a sea-girt isle, and fish are tasty, especially when you pull them out of the ocean and deep-fry the fuck out of them. Chips are not your thin, elongated US-style fries; ideally they should look like they’ve been done with a chisel, with a good ratio of small-and-crunchies to large-and-soggies. The chip-purveyor will then ask “saltnvinegar”? If you assent, they will dump an entire salt mine’s worth of the white stuff on there, followed by a liberal squirt of malt vinegar (cuts tangily through the grease; also soaks through the paper wrapping, permeating your hands, clothes, etc.) British people, especially on cold nights, have developed a Pavlovian response to the scent of malt vinegar– especially wafting from someone else’s order of chips. Damn.
Fish and chips are also frequently accompanied by mushy peas, which are — well, you know that Dr Seuss book, Bartholomew and the Oobleck? Yeah. Like that… but tasty.
BEER. In the UK, this is a food item. During the wars, beer was never rationed– they knew there’d be mutiny if they tried. These days, it comes in a Baskin-Robbins variety of flavours. A normal-to-crap pub will have four or five of the big brands on tap; a good pub will have those plus a good scrumpy cider and a few ales from the smaller breweries; a REALLY good pub will have a changing selection of weird stuff that it sources at dead of night from mysterious men with beards. Americans mock British people for serving beer at room temperature; British people mock Americans for drinking American beer at all.
SCOTTISH WHISKY: because dude, Scottish whisky. I mean, Scottish whisky.
CHEESE. I’m writing this post while nibbling on some Cornish Yarg, which comes wrapped in nettle leaves (or sometimes wild garlic). Stinking Bishop is soft and runny, its rind washed in perry (a drink like cider, but made from pears, which if you don’t wash cheese with it will get you very drunk indeed.) Seator’s Orkney is crumbly, sort of tangy and sweet at the same time; Cheshire is similar but sharper in flavour. Cheddar, Red Leicester, Double Gloucester and Stilton all hail from here. In short, cheese is awesome and the Brits do it exceedingly well.
CREAM TEA. This isn’t a single foodstuff, but a combination: First, you pour yourself a cup of tea. Then you help yourself to a freshly baked scone (not as sweet as the American sort). You split them in half, then pile on a layer of clotted cream– that’s cream so thick it’s almost butter. Then you smear jam on top of that– traditionally strawberry, but whatever. After the ensuing sugar-and-caffeine rush subsides, you may find that you have annexed a bunch of random countries for your empire. It is understood that you will spend the rest of your days losing to them at cricket.
And now, a handy guide to HOW TO FIND GOOD FOOD IN BRITAIN
1. Go where the farms are. Large swathes of the UK are given over to farming, and in those places anything that comes off a farm is going to be fresh and tasty. The West Country (Somerset, Dorset, Devon and Cornwall) is one such place; Wales has astonishing food; and the Scots do beef like no one else. The West Country does amazing cider, while the North of England and Scotland do some fantastic beer. Also dude, Scottish whisky.
2. Similarly, for good seafood, go where the sea is. This is the big blue wobbly thing round the edges.
3. Avoid Glasgow. Seriously, stay the hell away or they will feed you deep-fried Mars Bars.
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29 users responded in this post
What exactly, then, is a crumpet? And does it really go THAT well with tea?
British cuisine is horrible, but then, cuisine tends to range between “overrated” and “bad” anyway. British Pub Food, on the other hand, is quite good, and they’ve got great ethnic food (especially Indian).
Stilton with crushed peppercorns. SO. GOOD.
A crumpet is a pancake-ish thing that you make with yeast and honey instead of sugar and baking powder. A metal ring is used to make it stand taller than a pancake would.
They’re good in exactly the same way a pancake is: “Hmm… this can’t possibly be good for me. I’d better put on loads of butter, clotted cream, and jam.”
well and truly walloped.
Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jeebus! I love the deep fried Mars bar!! It is glorious, and I was fed one in Edinburgh, not Glasgow. Regardless, it is a food experience that actually made me orgasm. Srsly.
I feel Glasgow’s been unfairly maligned. Sure we have one of the highest obesity and heart disease rates in Europe but we exchange that for some fantastic food. The Ubiquitous Chip in the west end does some of the best Scottish cuisine around and a high number of Italian immigrants means you’ll not lack for great pasta. But I agree that deep fried mars bars are in fact the most vile substance known to sentient life.
I find it’s generally referred to as scotch whiskey, although of course it is also Scottish. I’m told in Glasgow they’ll deep fry almost anything; a friend of mine once encountered deep fried pizza.
For the benefit of Americans, “English muffins” are just called muffins here, or occasionally crumpets, depending on how accurate your “English muffin” was in the first place. What you call muffins are referred to in the UK as muffins.
This is the most appetizing your food has ever sounded, which I believe was the point.
I buy about 30 dollars worth of British Candy in a month. I love Fudge and Double Decker,and the amount of delicious Black Currant flavored confections makes me very happy.
Coyote has it right – we’ve got great sweets! Why no mention of Cadburys? I’ve been unfortunate enough to taste the brown cardboard that passes for chocolate in the new world and we really don’t know how lucky we are.
It’s not just Glasgow, I lived in Edinburgh for eight years and I’ve either had or seen someone with:
Deep-Fried Pizza
Deep-Fried Mars Bar
Deep-Fried Snickers
Deep-Fried Creame Egg!!
Scottish Cuisine is awesome!
Ulster Fry. That is all.
I’m from America and am horrified after hearing about the newest big selling hot state fair foodstuff, (foodstuff used loosely hear mind you). The substance in question is CHOCLATE COVERED BACON. I am not making this up.
I’m glad people have jumped to the defence of my home town of Glasgow, but I feel I must make a stand on behalf of haggis and black pudding. Fair enough, there are bad examples of each, but a quality haggis or black pudding is a thing of joy. Charles Macleod of Stornoway does a particularly fine black pudding for example. And Straviagin in Glasgow will serve you a cracking haggis, neeps and tatties.
Its perhaps not the best idea to do too much research on either items ingredients before tucking in though.
One more thing:
IRN BRU FTW!
I saw generic Irn Bru in a supermarket once. “Iron Brew”, it called itself. Bizarre. But then I’ve always thought Irn Bru was foul anyway.
The cool thing about crumpets is that the yeast fills them full of holes — see? — so the butter/jam/honey/whatever you’re having yourself sinks down inside and soaks it. Yum.
Oh! And Cornish pasties. Vegetables and (traditionally) meat (but there are vegetarian versions as well) inside savoury pastry. There’s a chain that has stands in railway stations all over Britain that sells decent Cornish pasties. And their own-brand water is called “Pirate Water”.
I will say this for the record as well:
Haggis is fricking awesome! Half the English people who turn their noses up at it will then go eat a sausage without a second thought. Quick hint: A Haggis will at least be made from the named parts of an animal.
I spent the first 30 years of my life avoiding Haggis until my sister’s wedding when I tried it and loved it. Doesn’t have to be the whole deal either, try it as stuffing for chicken as a more flavorful alternative to sage & onion. (My mother makes this with a creamy whisky & leek sauce which has to be tasted!)
If you’re a meat eater, you should enjoy it. Let’s face it, if you actually thought about what your food contained, you’d go veggie anyway!
I’m a yank who spent 8 months in (where else?) Glasgow a few years back. I had plenty of good (if perhaps a bit fatty) food while there. I was addicted to kebabs and meat pies while there. Sausage rolls were also a favorite.
So while I can’t say I enjoyed much of your high class English cuisine, I am quite a fan of the foods and I laugh any time a movie of TV show makes it seem like all your food is rubbish.
Also, Whisky, Irn Bru, and the varieties of beer make nearly any meal palatable. 🙂
Talking of kebabs: if you can find one, do try a Donner Pizza. Fantastic idea, and incredibly hard to do wrong.
Hmm, wonder if I could get that deep fried? (Most deep fried pizzas only come with cheese and tomato).
Argh, Irn Bru tastes like bubble gum!
Mmm, Irn Bru! Wish I could find it cheaper than $2 a can, here!
OTOH, while I have had some excellent beers during my trips across the pond, Americans in the know will continue to mock Britons mocking North American beers, because we know that the quality-brewing divide that so long separated us in greater degree than the Atlantic is long since gone. I’ll put Rogue, North Coast, and (Quebec’s own, if I may borrow from our Northern neighbours) Unibroue against anything produced over yonder, and we’ll all clink “Cheers” and be merry!
I realise you were listing old fashioned olde worlde foods.. But an essay on British foods needs to mention we also invented most of the good indian food, certainly the sort of “indian food” you get in takeaways in most places, the way its made and choice of ingredients comes from Britain as well as some curries entirely invented here.
And obviously, we get all the perfectly good continental food imported here in ridiculous amounts and have foreign restaurants of every description everywhere and as much choice in our markets as you could get anywhere, some fine chocolates, which makes the old “the English have bad food” joke as cutting edge as calling us “limeys”.
We are horrible nationalists and football criminals though, those stereotypes are accurate.
Also pasties and proper (as in meat filled) pies are excellent. Oh and scones. Man, I am so hungry now.
Deep fried mars bars are the work of the devil, but not solely a Scottish deal – I’ve found a place that sells them in Kent, deep in the south east. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they will deep fry anything you care to bring them. That includes Yorkies. I almost died after that one.
Add to this that Irn Bru and vodka seems to be gaining momentum as the swill of choice for the terminally stupid around london, and the scots have much to answer for.
I’m sorry but I can’t even process the fact that you would consider cheese as one of the few good british food items.
First of all, all of the british cheeses I ever tasted were not only heated but pasteurized, which tampers with the taste of the cheese, making it blander that it should be.
Second, all british cheese are very similar in taste, and do not have really pronounced taste to begin with. For exemple, the main reason you rinse stinking bishop with perry is to make the taste more proeminent (more or less the effect that red wine has on most cheese), because most of the time, just like mozzarella, stinking bishop is basically tasteless (with the exception of the very good ones).
And three, it is not like there is a huge variety of british cheese to choose from, unlike say french cheese. There must be maybe 18 dinstinct british cheese.
So, if I can only agree that cheese is indeed awesome, the brits, IMHO, certainly do not do it exceedingly well. In fact, I don’t think they do it well at all.
You have to go to farmers markets for good food in Glasgow. We don’t buy enough local produce and have a diet high in fat and sugar. Deep-fried pizza is pretty commonplace. Takeaway curries and Chinese food are also very popular.
I am madly in lust with the author, though I must say I had nothing but excellent food in Glasgow when I was there in ’05 for the Worldcon (I was the guy in the paisley kilt). But I didn’t have any fried candy bars or pizza. But speaking of pizza, what is up with corn as a topping?
those of you being circumspect about british cheese, know that it is one of the few reasons to keep staying in britain. unlike decadent continental cheese it does not ooze off your plate or force entire streets to be evacuated with its smell; it tastes great, has lots of interestingly different varieties and it stays on the damn cracker.
also, insufficient adoration for British Indian food here, which was invented here, so counts, and is the world’s best cuisine.