So for everybody else in Canada it is “Thursday” but for me it is Thanksgiving II because my dad is American and he always insists on having Thanksgiving on American Thanksgiving but my mom is Canadian so she always insists on having Thanksgiving on Canadian Thanksgiving, and eventually they compromised by having two Thanksgivings. I think this is one of the reasons I have such a sunny welcoming personality. Think how much more awesome you would be if you got to have Thanksgiving twice a year. That’s basically how I am all the time.
So I am taking the day off. MGK has to go to school because, hey, future lawyer. But I know where he keeps his emergency key and besides I need to get some bagels and he always has the best bagels. He is, like, fanatical about his bagels. Seriously, you want to distract MGK, the way to do it is to tell him about this great bagel you had and then be sure to mention how soft and bready it was, and then he’ll look at you like you’re a dumbass and say “that’s not a bagel” and then he’ll forget whatever it is you wanted him to forget, although you will have to go through a five-minute lecture on why Montreal-style bagels are the only bagels and everything else is just a round bun with a hole in the middle.
Anyway, MGK knows where to get his favorite type of bagel and I don’t, so I just steal his bagels. (He doesn’t need the carbs anyway.) Which is why I’m using his computer right now. Well, no, that just explains why I’m here, not why I’m using his computer. See, while I was walking over here I had an idea for a villain named Dr. Doctor (“he has a bad case… of hurting you!”) and I wanted to check to see if anybody had used that yet because he would be a great baddie for Tomcats 12: Sexy Medical School. And it looks like I’m good!
Speaking of sexy medical school, I went out on a date with a doctor last week! She was a urologist, which I thought girls were not allowed to do but I guess I was wrong. (Stands to reason, when you think about it. I mean, guys can be gynecologists, right? Fair is fair. I am glad we live in such a liberated society.) Anyway, I told her about Dr. Doctor and she didn’t quite get it. Of course, she didn’t quite understand why I’m called Flapjacks either although I explained it, like, three times. Is it possible for doctors to be slow on the uptake? Is that, like, even allowed? I think there should be a test where you kind of point behind a doctor and say “OH GOD A MONSTER” and if they look then they lose their medical license or something. You don’t want to be treated by a doctor who believes in monsters, right?
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I think MGK is the Narrator and Flapjacks is Tyler.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Dr. Doctor (”he has a bad case… of hurting you!”)
…pure awesome. You didn’t copyright that, Flaps — I’m stealin’ it.
I’ve got one of those doctor girlfriends and according to her there’s pretty much the same percentage of idiots that are doctors as otherwise. They’re just… higher functioning idiots.
I have also noticed a tendency for doctors (though not her, thank god) to never ever find anything that involves doctors funny. Especially if your dog is named Doctor something. Never.
This is in sharp relief to the other large regulated profession. Lawyers know more lawyer jokes than anybody – and indeed invent most of them.
“A good start!” “Professional courtesy!” “Take your foot off his head!”
I loves me some lawyer jokes.
I laughed so hard I think I pooed.
The sad thing is doctors tend to find a lot of disturbing things about what other doctors do to their patients amusing. Or possibly so frightening that they have to think its funny to cope.
Either way, ever since my relatives have gone through med school, I’ve spent increasingly more times after Thanksgiving frightened of hospitals.
U! S! A!
Also maybe he could tell the rest of us why he’s called Flapjacks unless he already did and I forgot. Then maybe he could tell us again. And why wouldn’t I want a soft and bready bagel? I mean if I didn’t I just toast the damn thing. Why would I have a toaster if my bread products didn’t start out as soft and bready?
Has MGK accidently been only getting stale bagels that were meant to be given away to homeless shelters by bakeries? Is he dressing in rags and going to homeless shelters for free bagels? BE MORE LIKE YOUR HALF-AMERICAN (and thus half-good) FRIEND FLAPJACKS! Also why is he called Flapjacks again?
How is two thanksgivings a compromise? That sounds like stubbornness to me. One thanksgiving equidistant between the actual holidays would be a compromise or two smaller celebrations, but not two real thanksgivings. Hmmm
Happy American Thanksgiving! (Since I’m American, it’s my only Thanksgiving. I need to get some Canadians in my family so I can double the celebrating, too.)
I thought your dad was South African. Or am I confusing you with somebody else? I don’t usually look at the names on here, so I can’t remember who’s who.
And a lot of doctors are idiots. I know this from first-hand sufferings and near-death experiences. I think doctors are deified too much by our society, and because of this the stupid ones never find out how incompetent they are until it’s too late.
A bagel isn’t supposed to be soft and bready like, say, a French loaf: it’s supposed to have a firm, dense consistency throughout, because the dough is supposed to be boiled before it’s baked.
Most large-scale commercially-baked bagels outside of Montreal and New York use “steam cooking” instead, where instead of boiling the bagels they just inject steam directly into the oven while the bagel is baking. That gives the bagel a bagellish exterior, but an interior akin to bread. People who make these sorts of bagels deserve to rot in hell.
There are two types of proper bagels in North America: Montreal-style bagels and New York-style bagels. New York bagels are boiled in salty water with malt and baked in conventional ovens; Montreal bagels are boiled in honey-sweetened water and baked in wood-fired ovens. I will give the New York bagel props for being an actual bagel, but the Montreal bagel is the best bagel in the universe.
I have never had a Montreal bagel, and grew up near enough NYC to be somewhat indoctrinated into their bagel culture. But now, knowing there’s honey involved? I MUST HAVE THESE BAGELS. Seriously. Do you know any good bakeries that ship them?
Both my parents are doctors and they have a pretty great sense of humor about it. (Although yes, they also totally laugh at some of their patients. The clinic scenes from House MD will explain why.)
Lester’s is probably your best bet. People have preferences between Fairmount and St. Viateur, but they ship both kinds, so.
What’s the difference between Fairmount and St. Viateur?
Slightly different tastes and textures. There’s no major difference, to my mind: it’s like having a preference between Coke and Pepsi.
There’s no major difference, to my mind: it’s like having a preference between Coke and Pepsi.
You mean one is delicious and refreshing and the other is An Abomination in the Sight of the Lord God of Israel?
This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Flapjacks you magnificent bastard.
@jackd: Honest to God (of Isreal or otherwise), taking fizzy-drink preference to the level of sectarian-violence tribalism you do is profoundly toolish.
Two Thanksgivings is a great compromise. It is only American Bar Association brainwashing that tells us that everyone (except the lawyers, who always get paid first) has to lose something to count as a successful compromise.