Conversations had during the season premiere of The Amazing Race

1.)

ME: Team Dating Couple #47 On The Left can’t find the flags for the airline.
FLAPJACKS: Well, at least they’re getting it out of the way early this season.
ME: What?
FLAPJACKS: The “one team decides that THIS moment is the time when the producers finally decide to not mark something Race-related with a flag.” They always mark everything with flags. You might miss the flags, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. If you see no flag ANYWHERE, odds are you are not where you are supposed to be and no, this is not your challenge or destination.
ME: Well, they don’t mark the entire route with flags. I mean, countries would get angry.
FLAPJACKS: This is true. We have enough problems that are flag-related as it is.
ME: Luckily, Team Dating And Shouts At Each Other recovers! Oh boy! I sure am glad they’ll stick around. Teams like this remind you of how awesome the rest of the Race is because they are so terrible.
FLAPJACKS: That’s like saying ice cream would be better if you put a blob of poop on it. Your theory is flawed.

2.)

ME: My word, is that an actual clue rather than a “go here and do that” statement?
FLAPJACKS: It is indeed!
ME: THIS IS THE TOUGHEST RACE EVER!
FLAPJACKS: Just like Phil said! Phil would not lie to us.

3.)

FLAPJACKS: You know, for the British leg of the trip, I was rather expecting something more Britishy. What do we get? Stonehenge, something to do with a castle, something vaguely to do with knights, and bad boats.
ME: Come on. These are tremendously British. First off, they gave the actors the chance to show off their terrible oral hygiene. Secondly, we got to re-enact Dark Ages-era British-style castle defense, which explains why everybody conquered them so many times before Norman the Conqueror decided that he might as well stay. It is actually true that early British people thought that hurling dirty water at your enemies would make them stop raiding the castle.
FLAPJACKS: Are you going to suggest next that the watermelon hurling has anything to do with anything?
ME: No, that was a production error. They were originally going to have the contestants swim in a giant vat of chicken tikka masala searching for clues, but the vat didn’t show up in time. So they had to cover, and they had all these knights around for flavour, and thus…

4.)

ME: Okay, so are the tattoo people the stupidest team ever?
FLAPJACKS: Well, on the one hand they got lost multiple times, didn’t understand the riddle, didn’t know what Stonehenge was, didn’t even know Stonehenge existed, thought a “battlement” was a person, and walked past the big pile of boats multiple times as they looked for boats. On the other hand, they did not try to eat their clue envelope. This is too close to call.
ME: I worry that they are lowering the bar too low for stupid teams. It’s only a matter of time before somebody tries to eat a clue envelope.
FLAPJACKS: And then get indignant when it turns out that was the wrong thing to do.
ME: “It made sense at the time!”
FLAPJACKS: …and now one of them thinks London is a country.
ME: I think the other one is eyeing that clue and thinking “man, I’m hungry.”

• Share on Facebook.
• Share on Twitter.