Hello. I’m Jock, of Mad Jock’s Lawn Dominator brand fertilizer. Now, you might think that fall is the time where you finally stop shelling out for our product, but I’m here to tell you that this is the most important time of the year to fertilize your lawn. Except maybe for spring. And summer, of course. But it’s more important than winter, which requires only our ‘Mad Jock’s Winter Lawn Maintenance brand of fertilizer, sprinkled over the snow.
You see, our top grass scientists have discovered that fall is the time where the grass starts fattening up for the long winter season by bulking up with extra nutrients, much like a bear eats more before going into hibernation. Your grass is building a layer of fat to insulate itself from the winter’s cold, and to sustain it during those periods when sunlight is scarce. If you don’t fertilize your lawn during this crucial period, your grass is going to wake up out of its torpor in the middle of winter, cold and hungry. When that happens, the angry grass might just break into your house, looking for food. It might find your pets…your children…even you. Do you want that? WELL, DO YOU?
Of course not. So buy Mad Jock’s Lawn Dominator Fall Spectacular Oktoberfert brand fertilizer, and cover your lawn with it to a depth of about six inches. Buy a few extra bags, just in case your neighbor’s lawn gets a wee bit pissy and you have to throw something to it around November to keep it from nibbling on the family dog. There’s never a bad time to buy our fall fertilizer. Except for spring, I suppose, or summer. Or winter. Those aren’t the best times to buy it, because you don’t need it. Which is why you should buy it then, to stock up on it for when you do need it. Which makes it the best time of all to buy!
Mad Jock’s Lawn Dominator. Seed your lawn. Seed it. Seed it hard, lad. Seed it all night long. That’s right, just like that. Oh, your lawn likes it when you seed it there, doesn’t it? Yes, harder…harder…oh, seed it, can’t you see how bad it wants it? No, don’t look at me, just keep seeding…a video-camera? Don’t be silly, I would never…where are you going? What do you mean, “To call the cops”? Wait, come back, just–SHIT!
**sound of running footsteps**
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11 users responded in this post
It’s so sad when a once great artist like Vincent Van Gogh has to stoop to shilling lawn fertilizer.
It should be noted that I couldn’t figure out exactly where in the narrative to fit an awkward suggestion that the homeowner seed the front lawn while the advertiser seeds the back. “No, huh? That’s cool. I’ll just watch you seeding for a while.”
…context please?
I’m pretty sure that I saw the exact lawn seeding commercial you are referring to like 5 minutes ago.
And I’m scared.
If you want an even bigger laugh, read it in Cave Johnson’s voice.
@Aramond- That, Sir, was simply Wrong! My compliments ;D
huh, Flapjacks is contagious. who knew?
@BringTheNoise: Scott’s Turf Builder brand fertilizer has been running ads for its “Winterguard” product, suggesting that late fall is actually the most important time of year to fertilize your lawn because the grass needs extra fertilizer to get it through the winter. Which may actually be true (I’m not a botanist) but smacks more of a solution to the company’s consistent profitability when selling a seasonal product than a solution to any problems with your grass.
And the last paragraph has to do with the fact that the pitchmen always say at the end of the ad, in this sort of weird husky whisper, “Seed your lawn. Seed it…” And nobody who has ever heard it has come away with any impression other than that they’re asking you to make sweet, sweet love to your grass. AND IT’S CREEPY.
Does he really say “Seed it”? I always thought he said “Feed it”.
Not a substantial improvement, really.
They do both depending on what product they’re hawking at the moment. They also run responses to their chief competitor’s attack ads, which are themselves rather bizarre at points.
@Aramond: Do you know who I am? I’m the man that’s going to seed your lawn! With lemons!