This summer, over the 4th of July weekend, I will be at CONvergence in the Twin Cities, for the benefit of anyone who wants to attend and geek out with me. (Paul Cornell will also be there. I won’t be upset if you tell him that you came for him and not for me. We’ll both know the truth.)
But whether or not you show up, there is something you can do for me. I’m on a panel about great bad comic book villains, the kind who are so absurd and ineffectual that you just have to love them. (Like the Hypno-Hustler, the Big Wheel, Doctor Demonicus…) And so I’d like you to chime in, in the comments section, on who you feel absolutely needs to make it into this hour-long panel. Who would it be inexcusable to leave out? Who is such a hilariously lame menace that he/she gives Stilt-Man and Toomazooma the Living Totem a run for their money? Your chance to influence an hour of comics-based silliness begins…now!
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Two of my favorite names in comics are also two of the most ineffectual villains: Turner D. Century and Johnny Ohnn, The Spot.
Rainbow Fucking Raider. And any of Firestorm’s “villains.”
Let’s see… Egg Fu´, Pulsar Stargrave, Pretty much everyone in the Legion of Super Rejects (ohai,Calorie Queen!), Restorer.
Leap-Frog and the Matador. I contend that even by early Daredevil standards the Matador is a breathtakingly terrible villain, but at least he was a snappy dresser.
I have a special weakness for the Calculator. Basically, he was a computer-based villain for people who thought that computers were pocket calculators that could do magic.
He would do incredibly stupid heists. For instance, he would create a terrible heat wave in Star City in order to make its inhabitants leave and thus stealing the city. (Step three, profit?) Then a Justice League member would show up and beat him up easily enough over 4-5 pages, but just before he lost, the Calculator would press his “special button” which would make it impossible for the same hero to defeat him again. (No explanation given, it just did. Awesome button). Thus, the Calculator just had to lose some 10-12 fights with the Justice League before he was invincible.
Batman beat him the second time around by making him beat himself by turning his calculator powers against him.
Man, I loved the Calculator.
That sounds like a textbook description of Ambush Bug (at least in his early/original appearances before he went all meta; I am thinking in particular of his run-in with the Legion of Substitute Heroes).
Arcade.
There was some guy named White Out or something that fought Thor? Thor had some really bad villains over the years once you got away from the Asgardians.
Johnny Guitar & Dr. Sax. What Christos Gage was able to do with them in just half an issue of Avengers: The Initiative was amazing.
Props to Brian, The Spot is one of my favourites as well, but I had completely forgotten that his real name was Johnny Ohnn.
If you’re going to mention Stilt-Man, you can’t forget Lady Stilt-Man.
What about Roxxy Rocket? I get that she’s sort of a meta-example in that she’s supposed to be ineffectual and absurd, but she still manages to be completely AWESOME.
In a similar vein, I guess you also have Mighty Endowed, from Young Justice.
I am unable to explain why the name Doctor Mayavale has not appeared in any comment, or indeed in every comment. In fact, why is he not the subject of every comment and post on every blog on the intertubes? This is a mystery.
The Battling Bantam. A boxing themed, rooster adorned superhero who tries to fight crime without the use of any of his fingers.
Armless Tiger Man
I’d second the spot, and suggest Ultimate Shocker. Or regular Shocker, they’re both pretty ineffectual.
Spiderman villain The Kangaroo! A humble biologist, Frank Oliver studied and lived with his beloved kangaroos in his native Australia. Then one day, he somehow gained… the leaping power of the kangaroo!
And then he accidentally killed a guy and decided to use his power of leaping to turn to a life of crime, and then Spiderman beat him. Seriously, please use the Kangaroo, if for nothing else than his totally absurd origin.
There could be an entire panel on the ineffectiveness of the Firestorm Rogue Gallery save for Killer Frost. But to be honest the Calendar Man from Batman’s Rogues deserves serious discussion as Lamest Villain. Basing himself on holiday-themed crimes, with arguably one of the worst costumes ever (not only a cape but a cape made out of calendar pages /headdesk). The only good use for him was being a ridiculously jokey Hannibal-esque figure in The Long Halloween where he talked cryptically and said… nothing at all helpful.
I’m glad someone else remembered Calendar Man. 🙂 Add in Crazy Quilt, the Cavalier, and Cluemaster and you can have a “C” themed criminal gang that would be hilariously ineffectual.
Batroc the Leaper. I love the guy, but he’s a joke these days.
And I’m not sure if it’s what you’re going for, since Peter David specifically designed Professor Vic Chalker to be a punchline, kind of X-Factor’s equivalent to those “Hitchhiker’s Guide” aliens that crossed space for thousands of years before they were swallowed by a small dog…but still, Professor Vic Chalker.
The thing about Batroc the Leaper is that at least his weaker power level made sense. Against a scrappy Captain America, a supreme martial artist has a chance. If you google “captain america villains” it ain’t exactly the 1927 Yankees.
Compare Batroc to say, the Toad, who hops into battle at the side of Magneto & Mastermind against top tier mutant super hero teams. And um kicks. The most amazing demonstration of Magneto’s skills and power is that he was continuously able to avoid killing the Toad accidentally.
The thing about Batroc is that he seems to have clawed his way out of the category of “joke” and back to his old job of being one of the few normal humans who can put Captain America on the ropes. Let’s be honest; he may have horrible fashion sense and a silly accent, but he’s also in his job solely because he finds kicking Captain America in the face to be an absolute blast, and that’s kind of badass.
In terms of joke baddies, I’d say the Asbestos Man could probably chew up a couple minutes. He showed up in Great Lakes Avengers, and held the entire team to a stalemate solely because they didn’t want to risk touching his costume.
On the DC side of things, I’ve always found it hilarious how one of the most iconic Bat-relics, the giant coin, was pinched from the friggin’ Penny Plunderer.
I see nobody has brought up the Condiment King yet, who basically carved out a small niche of being a recurring joke villain.
Marvel’s White Rabbit and the Walrus. Humbug before he went grimdark.
Kite-Man. Kite-Man all day.
Eye-Scream. The X-Men Villain with the mutant ability to turn into any flavor of ice cream he wanted.
Tapping Tommy.
The Living Eraser
The only problem with Turner D. Century is that steampunk was not a thing when he was initially conceived. It would only take a few revisions to make him interesting.
Sure, gimmicky supervillains are kind of hackneyed these days, but that would be part of his charm.
Although I absolutely love Calendar Man, he totally deserves to be on the list.
I am however shocked that nobody mentioned Ten-Eyed Man before now.
Killer Moth! Total favorite (and hey, he got a DCUC figure. Ra’s doesn’t even have one yet).
I’m always interested in when a second-rate villain gets made effective through means other than killing a C-list hero or something lame like that. Suicide Squad was great at that – Ostrander even made Captain Boomerang formidable. And his Dr. Light was the only time that character’s been interesting.
The Tumbler! Signalman! Hell, you can find a bunch on this very site! Colonel Computron! Overthrow!
I humbly request Snowflame, the man powered by cocaine. Admittedly, he only showed up once and died in a random explosion, but he was hilariously awesome.
I also second the Ten-Eyed Man and Calendar Man. Neither of them make much sense to me, but they’re always good for endless amusement.
And everyone needs a Stilt-Man. Bonus points if you can work his recent appearance in Mark Waid’s Daredevil (and subsequent fantastic joke in the next issue) into the discussion.
ALL HAIL THE ALLMIGHTY SNOWFLAME!!!
I think Batroc deserves a mention, if only as an example of someone hilariously lame in concept (Jumping French stereotype) who is redeemed by the execution.
For the opposite, I would suggest the Batman villain, the Eraser. Great concept (eliminates evidence for other criminals in return for a cut of the gross) treated so literally it becomes absurd.
The Circus of Crime, bless their little carnie hearts. In my perfect world, there’s a whole series devoted to their U.S. tour as they try to stay ahead of the law and compete with their arch-rivals, the flashier, better-funded Montreal-based Cirque du Criminalité.
I think one question to ask is can writers today create silly, faddish and absurd villains.
Not everyone needs to be Lord Grimdark the Serial Decapitator.
It is a crime that there are no villains called the Eye-Phone (who possesses you when you look at your phone), the Web Master (who sucks you into his site) or Gangnam Style (a Korean cowboy on a robo horse).
A crime I tell you…
The Ringer! The one foe so pitiable, Spidey laughed at him for us.
Can’t believe I’m the first to mention the Purple Pile-Driver, who was the go-to villain the Superman writers went to to clear the mandatory fight scene panel quota with as little fuss as possible back in the seventies.
Frankenstein robot from the Silver Age X-Men.
oakenguy: Seconded!
Spidey’s lamest: the Hypno-hustler. the Gibbon.the Spider squad.
Tough question, eh? You might say it’s a
*double thumb-point at self*
PUZZLER!
Killer Moth and Crazy-Quilt were actually pretty badass in the Golden Age. Rainbow Raider is goofy for his name and costume, but really quite powerful.
For genuinely goofy villains, you can’t beat Kite-Man and Calendar Man. I love ’em both (and the other guys mentioned above).
What about the Terrible Trio? You know, the Fox the Vulture and the Shark? Three guys in suits with ridiculous animal masks who committed themed crimes.
What, no Paste Pot Pete? Or The Living Eraser?
Okay, it’s not the silliest thing ever, but… somebody somewhere uttered a sentence that sounded like “Yes, good, we can call him… the KGBeast! Ehehehe”
For a villain who fits the original request more, I’ve always had a soft spot for Marvel’s Speed Demon, whose snazzy outfit has never let him rise above the level of “shmuck”.
Multiplex, Doctor Faustus the evil psychiatrist, the Owl, the Enforcers, Angar the Screamer, the Death-Throws (evil jugglers), Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Captain Stingaree, the General, the Globe.
Eli: Don’t get me wrong; for my money, Turner D. Century already IS interesting. There’s the possibility of steampunk, like you said; there’s the cognitive dissonance of “I’m going to live my life as I would have 110 years ago, along with my flame-throwing umbrella and my flying bicycle;” and, most topically of all, a motivation that boils down to “I want my country back.” He’s a radical terrorist who’s not motivated by religion AND he dresses like a waiter at Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour; that is CRAZY fascinating. But today he’s most famous for getting shot and killed in a bar.