Grading Every Country’s National Anthem, Part Four

(Previously. And previously. And then previously some more.)

Macedonia. This is very pretty, I think, but “pretty” isn’t really what needs to be in a national anthem – it has to sound attractive and melodic, of course, but you need that sense of bombast and this anthem is almost restrained. I mean, come on guys, Alexander the Great conquered like half the planet, you can at least give us some boom boom boom in the anthem. Or, failing that, in your room. 71

Madagascar. At first I thought this anthem sounded awfully polka, and then I read that Malagasy musicians often play this anthem on their accordions and I knew it was polka. Short, though, so points for that. 55

Malawi. You have to admire any African nation which specifically entreats to God in their anthem to be free from hunger and disease. That shows a remarkable sense of priorities. 78

Malaysia. It’s a good stirring anthem, but it’s a little weird in that it specifically programs that it is “progressive” and then blesses the King, which is just all over the place in terms of political science. Also: bold affirmation of having spilled blood for the country. Man, Malaysia, tone it down a little. 34

Maldives. Honestly, given that Maldives is basically a bunch of rocks in the middle of the Pacific that may cease to exist in the next century, I am really very impressed they even have an anthem, even if the musical background sounds like an old British sporting program introduction from the 1960s. 55

Mali. LOUD LOUD LOUD soft soft LOUD LOUD. Man, Kurt Cobain was totally ripping off Mali! 74

Malta. AKA “the anthem John Williams ripped off for the theme from Jurassic Park.” Once you hear it, you can’t unhear it! But at least Williams steals only from quality sources. Lovely bit of work here. 87

Marshall Islands. The woodwinds sound whiny and plaintive in this one, but that’s what you expect from a country that only exists because of a free association pact with the United States. Those woodwind players are probably experts at sounding just solemn enough that you can’t get mad at them when they request an interest-free loan. 28

Mauritania. Playful and weird and doesn’t sound like any other national anthem going. This is the Bjork of national antheming. 90

Mauritius. Most countries have distinguishing elements in their lyrics to tell you what their people really love about their country. Mauritius’ national anthem’s only distinguishing element is a reference to the sweetness of the country’s fragrance. Mauritius: the country where the citizens want you to know it smells really good. 42

Mexico. Mexico’s anthem is really good in all sorts of ways: it’s distinctive, it’s got the right amount of bombast mixed with the right amount of solemnity, doesn’t go hog-wild on the brass but doesn’t ignore the need for brass – really, so much to compliment. Except it’s so goddamn long. Seriously, this one goes on forever. Longer than a title card crawl in a Star Wars movie that features the Trade Federation. 74

Micronesia. WHAT IS THIS. 00

Moldova. Their entire national anthem is about their language, which is remarkably stirring and makes for a fascinating anthem. And it’s a nice, singable one too. The only problem is that Moldova’s language is Romanian, or to put it another way, somebody else’s language. Which makes this very nice anthem the equivalent of talking about how great your neighbour’s lawnmower is. 77

Monaco. Man, Monaco went all in on their national anthem being a march, didn’t they? I mean, most anthems are fairly marchy, but this is a march’s march right here. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to perform it within Monaco’s borders without some prancing horses present. 80

Mongolia. ONE: it starts off with a motherfucking gong. TWO: it literally assigns credit for all of the “world’s great deeds” to Mongolia. Three: it is entirely willing to be xenophobic and talk about protecting the nation’s bloodlines. This anthem has BALLS OF STEEL. 91

Montenegro. Did anybody tell them that if you write your anthem in a minor key it sounds like a villain’s musical theme? No? Somebody should tell them that. 39

Morocco. I don’t like describing a national anthem as “sly” but listen to it and tell me that’s not exactly the right word for it. Not, like, devious or anything, I am not trying to play to ethnic stereotypes, but it’s definitely an anthem that knows its way around the shady parts of town. 63

Mozambique. I’m not gonna say anything mean about it because their flag has a gun on it and that’s scary. 91

Namibia. Has excellent taste in plainly pointing out that, while their willingness to spill blood to protect their country is noble, it’s still something that marks a weird contrast with the natural beauty of the land itself, what with violence being at best a necessary evil and all. This sort of self-awareness is rare in national anthems. 85

Nauru. Rips off whole chunks of “O Canada,” but then again Nauru has like maybe 10,000 people on it so I think we can afford to lend it to them. I mean, they are stealing from the best. Like John Williams, who is probably of Nauru ancestry if you think about it. 90

Nepal. This anthem is so amazingly praising of diversity (“we are all flowers in a gigantic garden” type of diversity) in a sort of middle-school way it is frankly impressive. Especially when you consider that Nepal is basically a giant melting pot of hundreds of mid-Asiatic cultures. You have to sort of love that, don’t you? It might be sappy, but they earned it. 82

The Netherlands. Odd in that it is an anthem entirely sung from the perspective of William of Orange, especially weird given that it appears to be written from his perspective before he led the Dutch Revolt, so that it explains that he is completely loyal to Spain and always has been. Has anybody mentioned this to the Dutch? Or to the Spanish for that matter? Because that is weird. Like, you couldn’t have picked a William of Orange maybe ten years into the Eighty Years’ War who woulda been all “hell with the Spanish, we’re the best”? That would be much more anthemically appropriate, although doubtless it would be the same tedious, droning anthem. 12

New Zealand. Normally I try to do these with a non-performance clip but all the non-performance clips of the New Zealand anthem feature this incredibly cheesy synth so instead I went with a live performance, but that’s not really the point: the point is that New Zealand consciously decided to incorporate Maori into their anthem rather than just being “no it’s traditional to be English only wah wah wah” and that is pretty great. More countries should do that, mine included. 97

Nicaragua. Just goes all over the place like a drunken sailor – fast bits, slow bits, high bits, low bits, can’t make up its mind. 40

Niger. Most of this one is too sedate, just a nice low-key strings section, and although it has its peaks it’s not dramatic enough for the rest of it to impact. The triumphant BOOM BOOM BOOM at the end feels unearned. 32

Nigeria. A wholly unremarkable anthem in every possible way. This is a store-brand national anthem. There is literally nothing surprising about this anthem at all. If Michael Bolton wrote national anthems they would be more interesting than this. 20

Northern Cyprus. Man, this is awfully unassuming for the national anthem of a nation-state whose existence is debated and which is likely to cause a war at some point. 50

Norway. It’s a lovely choral anthem, but it’s got this odd scolding tone to it, given that it basically says “and think of your poor parents! They worked hard for this country you know! It wouldn’t hurt you to pray a little more too!” 84

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