2012: Marvel Studios, in partnership with Lionsgate, makes Punisher War Journal, starring Adam Baldwin as the Punisher, Hector Elizondo as the evil Mexican drug lord Cervantes, and Molly Parker as the whore who falls in love with Frank Castle. Joe Quesada explains in interviews that the previous Punisher movies “weren’t violent enough” to capture “the true Punisher spirit.” Over the course of the movie, the Punisher bludgeons to death seventeen men, explodes eighty-one more, shoots one hundred ninety-six, garrotes three, sics a rabid tiger on two, and stabs one guy in the nutsack repeatedly. The movie makes about $10 million at the box office.
2015: Marvel Studios, in partnership with MGM, makes Punisher: Long Cold Dark, which bears absolutely no resemblance to the Garth Ennis comic story of the same name. It stars Dane Cook as the Punisher, Seth McFarlane as the evil Irish drug kingpin Lonegan, and Julia Stiles as the whore who falls in love with Frank Castle. “This time,” promises Joe Quesada, “we will really get to the heart of the Punisher.” Over the course of the movie, the Punisher shoots one thousand six hundred and twenty-two people, an average of 17.4 people killed for every minute of the movie’s 93-minute running time. Critics are appalled by the movie’s seven-minute long sequence where the Punisher skullfucks Julia Stiles with the barrel of an Uzi when he discovers she has been working for the drug lord. The movie makes about $14 million at the box office.
2018: Marvel Studios, in partnership with Universal, makes Punisher 3D, starring Joe Jonas as the Punisher, Mike Myers as the evil Scottish drug kingpin Macdougall, and Abigail Breslin as teenaged prostitute Angie, who turns out to be the Punisher’s long-lost baby sister. Joe Quesada enthuses, “this is how the Punisher was always meant to be seen.” Many movie audiences report mass vomiting as they are forced to watch uncannily realistic blood squirts combined with Mike Myers’ comedy Scottish accent. The movie makes about $6 million at the box office.
2020: Marvel-Fuji releases Lady Punisher, starring Megan Fox as the Lady Punisher, Tracy Morgan as the evil Jamaican drug lord Baquon, and Macaulay Culkin as Stevie, the doomed hyper-meth addict. Joe Cyrus-Quesada explains that “it was time for us to really take the Punisher in a new direction, and you can’t get more new than making the Punisher a hot chick.” Critics uniformly question director Sofia Coppola’s decision to have Fox deliver all her lines in a “pirate accent” and pretend to have a peg-leg. The movie makes about $13 million at the box office.
2024: Fuji-Marvelsoft releases Punish-R, a computer-animated movie about a cute little robot in the far future who decides to kill all malfunctioning robots. “We’re taking the Punisher concept and expanding the franchise,” says Joe Quesada Jr. (no relation to the original Joe Quesada, who disappeared in 2021). Critics wonder at the presence of six musical numbers written and conducted by Fred Durst. The movie makes about $9 million at the box office.
2032: Fumarvo releases The Punisher, a back-to-basics movie about Frank Castle (played by Colin Hanks) and his war on crime. The movie is set in the early 90s; Castle is an aging Vietnam vet. “This is what the Punisher is,” says Joe Quesada (having reappeared in 2029). “No tricks, no gimmicks; just straight-up action and drama, very dark. This is what the Punisher should always have been.” Critics applaud the tense action, the performances, and the skillful direction of Michael Bay Jr. and his robot dog/cinematographer Floppy-12. The movie makes about $6 million at the box office.
Top comment: A step by step guide on how to make a decent Punisher movie.
1. Use a random Garth Ennis Punisher comic as a storyboard.
2. That’s IT. You’re fucking DONE. How hard was that exactly? Yeah, that’s what I thought. — Doktor Puppykicker
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I really need to see that.
I can live without the rest, just as I’ve lived without the past Punisher movies.
They should just stop these, seriously. Although Micheal Bay Jr.’s robot dog sounds cool.
I can only assume that the box office numbers given are not adjusted for future ticket prices as ticket prices will most likely continue to climb as they have been for the past 20 years.
I kinda liked War Zone. The Thomas Jane movie was superior by far, but War Zone was its value as kind of a cross between the 1960’s Batman and Hannibal Lecter.
“Dane Cook as the Punisher”
This combination of words made me want to strangle a puppy.
With the way things are going, we should have at least seen Punisher X: Punisher in Space by now…
At the very least Punisher vs. Jason.
I hate to admit that I would watch a She-Punisher movie starring Megan Fox. The pirate stuff would have to go, but the initial concept actually sounds watchable.
If the puppy had been in charge of casting, I wouldn’t stand in your way.
I have thus far done without the :puke: smilie when posting comments here, but I need it now. I didn’t immediately realize that we were talking about one of the Jonas Brothers here.
That first one?
Wasn’t that Desperado, that movie with Antonio Banderas?
Tracy Morgan would be a much more likeable villain than John Travolta.
I’m not 100% sure what your point here is, other than perhaps making PAD’s Mangaverse Punisher seem slightly less embarrassing (slightly). Also apparently Joe Quesada is immortal and he has a lifetime appointment?
I could see myself going to War Journal and the 2032 Punisher.
karellan: As long as she keeps her mouth shut I may go see it. She can’t fucking act, but if she wants to strike a pose and hold a gun I can’t see how she could fuck that up.
“Marvel-Fuji”
That’s a Marvel 2099 reference isn’t it?
Punisher is a pretty simple concept. How hard is it to make a kick-ass Punisher movie?
Jodie Foster’s character in “The Brave One” is something like a female Punisher. I remember watching it and being surprised at well the concept worked. She would ride the subways, looking like a frail, helpless, frightened woman. That is, perfect bait for the kind of people she was hunting. No one expects a woman like her to be a cold, ruthless killer. Criminals would approach her, expecting an easy target, and the last thing they’d see is the gun she was holding hidden in her purse.
So yeah, you could definitely make a decent Punisher movie with a woman as the title role.
I’ve heard that Warzone was actually pretty kickass (though I still haven’t gotten around to watching it, so that’s just hearsay).
Last time they made a decent-ish movie but got the character WAY wrong. This time they got the character right but made a shitty movie.
The very first attempt (Dolph Lundgren anybody?) had both parts go horribly, horribly, wrong.
The Punisher: a Perfect Storm of movie fuck-ups.
…and the future does not look especially bright…
So, what brought this on? Because I might go to see Jayne as The Punisher…
Adam Baldwin?
I might watch it.
I enjoyed War Zone a lot, but that’s because I saw it with the right group of friends in the right theater. Watching it at home alone may not be as fun.
Still, it’s an unapologetically smart-stupid movie that’s (apparently) pretty faithful to the comics, and features a terrific villain in Jigsaw. And it features one of the better subversions of action expectations after setting up a bunch of badguys who know Parkour…
BringTheNoise: I recommend the Punisher movie with Thomas Jane. I don’t understand why people had a problem with Travolta. He played his part, nothing special, but you knew he was going to die at the end of it anyway so what does it matter.
Yeah, I’ve got the Jane movie on DVD. I have to admit that I bought it mostly to see Kevin Nash as an actor, but I enjoyed the whole thing. Never understood the Travolta hate either.
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I enjoyed War Zone a helluva lot more than the Travoltavesty, but I’d still rather see Dolph Lundgren return for an adaptation of Mother Russia. Really.
@Panzer: I don’t think I understand where the Dolph Lundgren one went wrong with the character.
I am in mourning for the 7 years* it took to watch Punisher War Zone. I will never get those years back.
*time measured subjectively
War Zone is The Transporter of comic book movies. You either buy the crazy shit you see on screen with a smile or you dont.
Andrew W: Well, they left the skull off his shirt. Which I realize it’s much, but come on. How the fuck do you miss the one thing that makes the Punisher a “superhero”, his logo? That, and was it really nessicary to see his ass?
Lister Sage: That’s cuz the Lundgren movie wasn’t supposed to be a Punisher movie originally and most of it had filmed before they decided to make it one.
Megan Fox as Punishette?
You realize of course that Peter David would end up writing every single movie novelization…
why would you do this?
I still maintain that the 2004 Punisher film was better than War Zone, and Thomas Jane was a great Punisher who was saddled with a crappy quasi-adaptation of Welcome Home, Frank. (And believe me, I LIKED the film, but even I recognize shitty adaptations when I see them.)
A step by step guide on how to make a decent Punisher movie.
1. Use a random Garth Ennis Punisher comic as a storyboard.
2. That’s IT. You’re fucking DONE. How hard was that exactly? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
I don’t get it. Lady Punisher more than doubles the box office for Punisher 3D, and there is no
Punish-Arrr sequel slated for 2022? Oh Hollywood, you disappoint me now, you will disappoint me forever.
I smacked my forehead the first time I heard a Punisher movie was being made, and I will continue to smack my forehead as they continue to be made.
the concept just doesn’t work for films because the revenge trope is too common in cinema. what makes Castle fun to read about it is that he’s in a universe with superheroes who don’t kill. remove that, and it’s kind of bland and overdone.
I actually liked the Tom Jane movie, bastardized version of “Welcome Back Frank” or no. I thought Jane was a fine Frank Castle and was hoping that he’d return to reprise the role. Plus, it had that really awesome part with the guitar-playing assassin.
Anyway, I own it, and I watch it occasionally and enjoy it. War Zone, on the other hand, I rented. And I was actually bored out of my mind for most of it. How I could be bored with a movie that features a man punching through another man’s head is beyond me, but there it is.
Some properties just don’t translate from comics to film. Not sure why, but “The Punisher” as a live action film has always been laughable.
The only Punisher comics I ever really like are the ones where he fights a bunch of C-list supervillains. Is it really so hard to get the rights for Basilisk, The Human Fly and Mandrill?
goblin has a point — a Punisher movie could work as a spinoff of the Marvelverse movies (with cameos from the established heroes being all “dude, you’re going too far!” so Frank can be all dark and edgy at them), but as a standalone concept, he’s too generic to stand out. Unless you really pushed the boat out and made a seriously good film of it, but that’s never a certain proposition.
Totally agree with goblin. The Punisher works because he’s not like other comic book heroes…but put him in an action movie, and he’s the guy from Death Wish with a weird T-shirt. 🙂
(Oh, and Jason X is head and shoulders and right down to the waist the best “Friday the 13th” movie, bar none. If they could duplicate that level of sheer balls-to-the-wall insanity for a Punisher movie, they might actually have something.)
Posting off-topic here, but I am always happy to see Jason X get the respect that it deserves. How could a film that should’ve gone so wrong go so right?
As noted above, there are dozens of Punisher movies, just three with the title.
(Likewise, there are least three better Judge Dredd films than Judge Dredd.)
Bryan: I have a suspicion that the Lions Gate intended to push Jane out of the project. I remember reading an article on SuperHeroHype saying that he was dropping out of, what became, War Zone because they kept dragging their feet on the script. They announce the film in 2004, they rewrite and rewrite and rewrite till 2007 rolls around, Jane drops out that May, they line up a new actor in July and they were shooting by October. And while the guy they got looks more like Castle he’s not as good an actor. Luckily he didn’t say a lot it the film. Can you imagine how good it would have been to see Jane’s Punisher up against Dominic West’s Jigsaw? That would have been cool.
But the question is:
What cameo does Stan (The Man) Lee play?
I would argue that it is simply not possible to create a good movie about the Punisher, for the very basic reason that *it is not possible to tell a good story about the Punisher.*
Your mileage will no doubt vary.
“What cameo does Stan (The Man) Lee play?”
The street corner pimp, of course.
I would see every single one of those.