8
Aug
Easy Improvers, Raging Archies
Posted by MGK Published in Archie (Improved Or Otherwise), Comics, Interactive Fun Time Party
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Guy: Hey Coach! Look what I can do with this ball!
Coach: That’s nothing! Look what I can do with my hat!
Coach, do something, Archie’s cock is hanging out his shorts again.
Again? Jughead, don’t move your arm.
So I read in this old grimoire that if I hold my legs at exactly the right angle…
No, you fool! Those were the instructions for bringing back the Ancient Ones!
Guy: …..and that is how I’ll win the gold medal in equestrian.
Coach: You imbecile! Equestrian involves horses, not basketballs!
Guy: Maybe this will stop the comments about my nose/mullet!
Coach: There’s no chance in hell!
guy: fleeber flabber floober flabble hamburger flooble
coach: Okay, maybe genetically modifying a giant mutant Jughead was not the best idea for improving my basketball team.
B-ball Jughead: Those must have all been important to me once. What I am now grew from that. A former self is a fool, an insufferable ass, but he’s still human, you’d no more turn him out than you’d turn out any kind of cripple, would you?
Coach: Now my heart turns this way and that, as I think what the people say. Those who shall see my monuments in years to come and who shall speak of what I have done.
“Guess what I’m bouncing it with next!”
“OH FUCK MY HAT”
Sadly, I remember owning or at least reading the issue this panel was in. Wasn’t the dribbler’s original dialogue, “Onesy, twosey”?
Jughead’s Cousin or Whatever: “Also, I despise hamburgers! And I am quite the ladies’ man, if I do say so myself!
Coach Kleats: All right, we get it, you’re hilariously dissimilar from Jughead. I can make my hat fly when I have a boner, no one’s giving me any medals.
“..And so I spun my leg like this, and wouldn’t you know it, I crossed over into this world!”
“Er, yes, very nice Daehguj. Now just please stay where you are, so we can get the gu–towels! Yes, towels, I meant to say.”
“ONE…singular sensation…every little step that he takes…ONE…thrilling combination…every move that he makes”
“I think we found our Gigi!”
PLAYER: It is quite common in my country, think of it like indoor soccer where you use your hands instead of your feet.
COACH: This is America, you red bastard! Get your fake commie sports out of my gym!
“Yes,I am Jarghied,the future child of Jughead and gender-switched Archie, and trained by you, Coach, to be the greatest Harlem Globetrotter impersonator in history. Welcome to the Plain of Glass, gateway to all possible dimensions.”
“Goddamn it, Mark Waid wrote this issue, didn’t he? This is Hypertime all over again!”
..so dribbling the ball like this is the only way to ward off the invisible sodomy-phantoms that have been plaguing you, Archie, and Jughead.
Hgnnn!
See? Right through my leg! I’m a ghost!
Christ, The 6th Man is even worse with white people.
“This isn’t even hard!”
“THIS is!”
“Just a few more weeks til Rule 63!!!”
“Can’t wait to pull it out for girl-you!!!”
(yeah, I got little else. My bad)
He didn’t speak their words. He didn’t know their language.
But somehow, Archie knew they spoke of urine.
(Jughead): Behold the righteous fury of my skills as I transcend SPACE and TIME through the medium of BALL! Taste my furious victory!
(Coach): I’M TASTING IT
(Coach): IT TASTES LIKE MELTING
(Jughead): So, as you can see, Coach so-called VERBINSKI, my real skeleton was inside the basketball all along!
(Coach): I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON AND I HAVE A SECRET FEAR OF BALLS
(Jughead): I have a ball!
(Coach): OH GOD HE’S RIGHT
(Apparently the coach has no inside voice.)