My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist, and in case you don’t click the SYTYCD Youtube links embedded therein, just fucking watch this:

Your guest judge this week is Christina Applegate, which – okay. She was much better than many other celebrity guest judges.

Tiffany and George: hip-hop. This was quite good and reasonably hard-hitting, and weirdly Nigel complains that the hip-hop routines aren’t “grungy” enough on the show, which – well, that’s quite true, but come on, Nigel, you didn’t say anything last week when Christopher Scott was doing routines that were only moderately hip-hop at best. Tiffany hit her moves harder, but George hit his more crisply. This was good.

Amber and Turk Brandon: jazz. Amber got plaudits from the judges for dancing her “best yet” (true) and “superbly” (not really, no) – she was fine, after a couple of disappointing performances to start off, but a couple of her transitions were just kind of rough. (Okay, I’m more than a little irritated with the judges giving her subpar tango performance last week props after Nick simply carried her to a good performance.) Brandon was very good, both as a forklift (he’s an excellent forklift) and as a partner, and I was impressed with him.

Janelle and Dareian: cha-cha. Dareian’s performance last week in hip-hop was natural and unforced and just very good, so I had hopes this week, but… no. He was complaining beforehand that he didn’t have a natural feel for the hip action, which was pretty obvious, but even his basic was rough. Of course, give him a big trick and he pulls it off smoothly and effortlessly in the routine, and then falls right back into his bad basic action, so it’s not a lack of ability per se but (I suspect) a lack of comfort with Latin dance generally. Janelle was very rough as well and didn’t compensate with smoothness in the big tricks.

Lindsay and Cole: contemporary. A very good routine danced very well. I’m getting a little tired of “Cole, you’re a martial artist, how are you doing this” comments from the judges when we all know he’s cross-trained in multiple dance styles; it’s like hearing judges gush over Russell in season 6 all over again.

Amelia and Will: jazz. The good: Amelia and Will dance well and have good chemistry. The bad: the choreography (boring, awkward, just unpleasant), the costumes (ugh), Mandy Moore Revisits Her High School CD Collection Vol. 23, all of it. This was just bad on so many levels and Amelia and Will – who did their best with it – got the blame.

Audrey and Matt: salsa. Just awful. Louis Van Amstel clearly made the choreo as straightforward as he could manage for these two (right down to replacing ballroom spins with contemporary pirouettes), but even dancing at practically half-speed and given as much leeway as possible they still completely blew it. This was dreadful: no chemistry, no technique, no nothing. The Janelle/Dareian cha cha (which was not good) was miles ahead of this; hell, last week’s not-very-good Cyrus/Eliana jive was miles ahead of this.

Witney and Chehon: contemporary. Look, I am as big a Stacey Tookey homer as there is, but this was derivative, an “every contemporary routine set to a sweeping ballad and where the performers wear pyjamas” that utterly failed to surprise me in any way. Witney and Chehon were both fine, but this was just a choreo fail for me, and worse than the Mandy Moore fail previously because I expect more from Stacey Tookey.

Eliana and Cyrus: hip-hop. This was pretty damn good, actually (and when was the last episode of SYTYCD when the hip-hop dances were easily the best of the night? Season four, maybe?). Cyrus was predictably great in a routine that catered to his skills, but Eliana danced to, if not quite his level, the level where a classically trained dancer can hang with a hip-hop dancer and look completely credible. Nigel claims that Eliana outdanced Cyrus, which – no, Nigel. Just no. But her performance quality was superb.

And your bottom three for each are: Dareian, Brandon and George for the guys (buuuuuuulllllshiiiiit), and Amber, Eliana and Lindsay for the girls (only one who deserves to be in the bottom three), with Brandon and Amber (thankfully) going home. THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T BE TRUSTED WITH NICE THINGS, AMERICA.

Witney and Chehon: samba. That opening pirouette by Chehon made me think that they were aiming for a redux of Lacey and Danny’s samba from season 3, but unfortunately Chehon isn’t quite comparable to Danny’s level when Danny did ballroom: he dropped in and out of the samba basic repeatedly and the hip movement wasn’t there, and given that this entire routine was choreoed at beginner level half-speed (as compared to other SYTYCD ballroom routines, e.g., the good ones) that does not bode well. On top of that, Whitney and Chehon have very, very little chemistry together. Witney was excellent, of course, as expected, but not enough to carry this to what it needed to be. Disappointing opening.

Tiffany and George: contemporary. Quite a lovely piece of work from Sonya here as she avoids her usual tics and had some really brilliant moves worked into her piece (the paired kicks en pointe while hand in hand? Daaaaaaamn). The only criticism I can make here is a minor one: George’s sense of balance is a bit lacking (he tends to fall out of his pirouettes and overcompensate on his aerial spins). This is a very, very minor criticism, however. This is a good pairing so far.

Janaya and Brandon: hip-hop. Oh, a Tabitha and Napoleon piece about a man overcoming his addiction to alcohol in the name of true love? Been there, done that – and it was better choreo and better dancing the first time. Nigel actually mentions that NappyTabs choreoed the thing so that it was much less hard-hitting than traditional hip-hop, which is to say “like most hip-hop on this show.” Brandon was fine. Janaya was acceptable but nothing special. Meh.

Alexa and Danny: jazz. I’m gonna go ahead and say the artistic decision by Sean Cheeseman to choreo a piece using scaffolding was kind of a bad idea because about a quarter of the piece was, uh, climbing – and when they first came down off the scaffolding, they were off the beat for at least another five or six seconds until they recovered. I suspect if they had been on time for the entire routine I would have been “kinda liked it,” because their dancing was quite good when they were in sync. But they weren’t, so I didn’t.

Amber and Nick: Viennese waltz. So I guess they’re going for the “first week, every non-contemporary dancer gets their own genre” plan again? (Oh, poor Cyrus.) Anyway. The rise and fall in this (and I think good waltzes live and die by the rise and fall) was a little bit inconsistent – I would have liked to see a tiny bit more, particularly from Nick – but the spins were both incredibly ornate and perfectly executed, and the general grace of the piece was there. Nigel references Dance Moms in his critique, which – don’t do that, Nigel.

Amelia and Will: hip-hop. Never mind, then: they’re letting people dance out of genre – oh, wait, no, this is just a jazz dance with a few brief hip-hop sequences thrown in. Granted, it was a fun routine, and Amelia and Will danced well (although they did not dance hip-hop well – they danced through the isos and there was no pullback where it needed to be) and have excellent chemistry together, but good lord, this show will call literally anything hip-hop, won’t it? If they had just called it a jazz or Broadway routine I would be less irritated. I mean, even Nigel said it wasn’t hip-hop, and Nigel has praised some of the least hard-hitting hip-hop I’ve ever seen as being exemplary of the genre.

Janelle and Dareian: Afro-jazz. This felt lacking. Both dancers hit all their marks and in time, but for me it lacked energy, especially in the middle – I like Afro-jazz when it feels wild and barely contained, and this was just not that thing. Perhaps it was too intricate for the pair of them, perhaps they were taking it easy of Janelle after her rough start and her injuries – but I was very meh on this. Good chemistry between the two of them, though.

Eliana and Cyrus: Broadway. Actually, I’m glad to see Cyrus not dancing hip-hop, because he’s not a classic hip-hop dancer and when he didn’t murder it he would get shit on for not dancing well “in his genre.” Instead, he gets to dance a boring Tasty Oreo Broadway and the judges go apeshit over it because… I have no idea. Eliana was really quite good. Cyrus was at the bare minimum of acceptable and I suspect he got pimped more than he deserves so that the judges don’t have another Cedric in season 3 situation on their hands.

Audrey and Matthew: contemporary. Very meh choreography which the judges pimp because it’s Travis and they can’t say their golden child is boring, after all, and they praise Travis for doing things like “choreographing kicks to the cymbal crashes” which is sort of like praising him for setting a routine to music, when you get down to it. Audrey and Matthew are perfectly good. But yeesh.

Lindsay and Cole: paso doble. I wasn’t terribly wild about Jason Gilkison’s choreo in this (even he can have off nights – I felt the choreo didn’t build to a climax as effectively as a good paso routine on this show should), but other than the choreo not being quite what I would have hoped for, this was basically – well, Lindsay and Cole danced somewhat imperfect choreo perfectly. Flawless chemistry and I really am looking forward to see what this partnership can continue to produce.

Probable bottom threes: BOYS: Chehon, Danny, Nick. GIRLS: Alexa, Janaya, Amber.
Should go home: Chehon and Janaya.
Will go home: Chehon and Alexa.

Your guest judges are Luther, Blake and Mary Murphy, who I assume is now present for the rest of the season with the American show over (oh goody).

Lindsay and Christian: salsa. Lindsay and Christian have already demonstrated that they are an insanely capable pairing when it comes to salsa, and this was basically their week one routine except with more intricate floorwork and Lindsay improved in skill. The choreo at a few points dragged a bit – the big stunts felt very standy-still rather than fluidly incorporated into the routine – but this is a relatively minor complaint and certainly nothing that can really be attributed to the dancers.

Melissa and Adam: contemporary. This is one of those routines I can really respect but not especially like – amazingly physical work from these two, and simply watching it was exhausting because it was so energetic and powerful. But I didn’t especially care for the choreography, just because it felt very frenetic and hyperactive. This is a matter of taste; I can’t fault Melissa and Adam, especially when they nailed the crazy difficult choreo that I didn’t particularly like.

Denitsa and Matt: hip-hop. Mehhhhh. Good choreo from Situation, but the performance wasn’t quite there; Denitsa’s actually at that “passable” level where a good partner would disguise her weakness in the style, but Matt just isn’t; a bit behind the beat at points and just trying to compensate for lack of technique by overperforming every single move. Also, hip-hop choreographers for this show need to learn that putting a tutting section into their routine is the exact opposite of helping dancers through the routine, because nothing exposes a weak hip-hop dancer like a tutting section: you can’t just throw on a sneer and try to act street and fake your way through tutting. It just doesn’t work. Matt remains the sole dancer in the competition where I continue to wonder how he’s survived over others.

Yuliya and Shane: jive. Reasonably good. Shane actually impressed me more than Yuliya in this, for the value of “performing past what was expected” – Shane did some very good work here, and he honestly had more performance quality than Yuliya for me (although Yuliya’s technique was, of course, obviously better). Yuliya’s very… internal, I suppose, in that her dancing always feels a bit subdued to me.

Geisha and Joey: afro-jazz. This was good enough. Sean Cheeseman hasn’t put together an afrojazz of this quality in a while. Geisha was far more into it than Joey was; Joey is technically brilliant, of course, but the performance was merely okay from him tonight, I felt – a very strong opening, but then he just trailed downwards dialing it down and dialing it down and getting milder and milder, whereas Geisha had the technique and much better performance quality.

Jordan and Francois: contemporary. Very good: Francois partnered Jordan perfectly and was a very good forklift, and Jordan’s control is just insane. That having been said: I am so, so tired of contemporary routines on this show that are A) “a tribute to love”, B) “a couple find one another,” C) “somebody cheats on somebody else,” D) “a relationship ends.” FIND SOME NEW FUCKING PLOTLINES. Please.

Probable bottom three: Denitsa and Matt, Yuliya and Shane, Geisha and Joey.
Should go home: Yuliya and Matt.
Will go home:: Yuliya and Matt.

Your guest judges are Kenny Ortega and Katie Holmes, who is a human wasteland. Damn, is that a whole season without Adam Shankman? Shame. Adam’s nice, and usually tries to give reasonably good criticism. The final episode of the season is usually pretty weak because the dancers are exhausted, but let’s see what happens.

Melanie and Marko: disco. When Doriana Sanchez explains that her vision of “the best disco ever” is “lots of lifts,” I just kind of groan – and, as expected, the lifts were very, very long. Don’t get me wrong, the fact that they can spin that much without losing accuracy is impressive. Melanie and Marko were both game for the cheese factor of disco, which I appreciate, but the entire thing felt lacklustre and a little slow: they clearly weren’t comfortable with the technique and tried to get by on performance, and endless boring spins aren’t going to cut it.

Sasha and All-Star Mark: contemporary. Man, Mark got Sasha’s haircut! Anyway, this was absolutely fabulous in every single respect: the best routine Sonya has put together in… god, maybe since Alex/Allison last year? And danced perfectly. Mark is an excellent partner for Sasha – and well, yeah, he’s an excellent partner for everybody because Mark is astoundingly good at basically everything, but even in that regard he was particularly exceptional with Sasha. This was so good. Seriously.

Tadd and All-Star Joshua: hip-hop. Lil’C doing not-krump? Huh. This was interesting, because although both Tadd and Joshua danced this quite well, during the first third of the routine Joshua was hitting it harder and more accurately than Tadd, then they balanced out, and then for the final third Tadd was hitting it harder than Joshua, which almost never happens: when one partner is better than another, usually it’s consistently so or the result of one partner starting or ending a routine weakly. Nigel complains that Tadd is too nice, because

Melani and All-Star Robert: contemporary. Nigel pointedly emphasizes that Stacey Tookey is Canadian, for what reason I am not sure. Anyway, this was very good in the sort of way I expected it to be very good: in a way that didn’t particularly excite me, but the excellence of which I nonetheless appreciate.

Sasha and Marko: Broadway. You know, it’s actually really rare for an SYTYCD Broadway routine’s comedy to be something I actually find funny, but Marko’s reactions here were genuinely great, and the little beats Spencer Liff put into the routine – that paired head-turn and ankle-cock early in the routine, for example – worked very nicely.

Melanie’s solo: Perfectly decent. She’s a really great contemporary dancer, of that there can be no doubt.

Marko’s solo: Really impressive. Marko’s speed and accuracy in his solos always impresses me.

Sasha and Tadd: cha-cha. What has come to me to be standard for American SYTYCD ballroom: hit the big tricks, simply not have the basic technique. The judges destroy them for something that was rightfully terrible, throwing Tadd under the bus to give Sasha at least a little bit of protection, because after all Tadd isn’t gonna win this and everybody knows it.

All-Star Lauren (season seven edition) and Marko: contemporary. This was really quite nice, although of course Kenny Ortega hits the nail on the head when he says the routine is a “gift” to Marko, as if every dancer wasn’t given their own style to dance once with an All-Star. (Well, except for Tadd, who didn’t get a B-boy routine but rather straight hip-hop, but whatever, it’s only Tadd.) Anyway, this was lovely.

Tadd’s solo: Much more musical than I’m used to from Tadd’s solos, which generally don’t grab me.

Melanie and Tadd: jazz. I am tremendously amused that they found a way for Melanie to remove the heels within the first third of the routine. Anyway: meh. Technically competent, didn’t especially grab me in any way: Melanie is usually a really good actress as dancers go, but this just felt generic and forced, and it translated to her dancing, which I thought was laboured. Tadd was a better scoundrel and felt more comfortable, and carried the routine.

Sasha’s solo: Like Melanie, perfectly good contemporary solo.

Melanie and Sasha: contemporary. Aaaaaaand that’s 3/1 for “Melanie dancing in her style” versus “Melanie having to dance out of style” on the night, which was about what I expected. Also, I like Stacey Tookey’s choreo, but any piece about 50s housewives where Sasha and Melanie are afforded equal status just doesn’t work for me, because in the 50s Sasha would have been the help. Yes, yes, I know, they’re playing roles, but… even so, you know?

Marko and Tadd: hip-hop. True story: before this aired, I said in email to a friend that I was certain that if Tadd and Marko got to dance together, they would get buried with something impossible because since day one this season has been All About The Girls and the judges have constantly said it’s All About The Girls, and Tadd and Marko are unfortunately not girls. And I was right! A stepping routine! Incredibly hard and intricate, nowhere close to either dancer’s style, no point during the routine where you could hear the stepping and slaps which is more or less the point of stepping, and of course probably the most energetic and aerobic routine of the night is saved for dead last, so when Marko and Tadd predictably blow it and blow it hard, Nigel can sanctimoniously say “well I told you a girl was going to win.” Shut up, Nigel.

Final four order should be: 1.) Sasha 2.) Marko 3.) Melanie 4.) Tadd.
Final four order will be: 1.) Sasha 2.) Melanie 3.) Marko 4.) Tadd.

Your guest judges are Rex Harrington, Melissa Williams and Dan Karaty, and while I’m happy to see Dan two weeks in a row this show doesn’t need five judges. Jean-Marc pimps his new line of ballroom dance shoes, which actually look pretty damn nifty.

Jordan and Francois: samba. Absolutely insanely difficult choreography from Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas. Those lifts were absurdly nuts. It’s good to see Jordan getting stretched at last, and she did well enough – certainly her technique was at that level of “good enough that a skilled partner will cover any mistakes,” and Francois is certainly capable of hiding her bobbles in samba. But the thing about Jordan is that she looked very, well, young dancing this. Out of her style, she hits the big performance grin all the way through and just comes across as a bit immature, almost. Needs a little work. But you can’t fault the technique, otherwise, because she was very respectable. Francois, unshockingly, murdered it.

Geisha and Joey: contemporary. Stacey Tookey goes big with a story about a time-traveler from the future warning humanity about environmental degradation, and I must say it’s a lucky thing that futuristic time-travelers wear your standard dancing-smock. Which is to say the story didn’t really fly for me, but I liked the movement and both dancers did some wonderful work here, which is the minimum I expect from a Stacey Tookey and I was not disappointed.

Yuliya and JP: hip-hop. This is the third time JP has danced hip-hop (or, well, house, but close enough) with a partner who was dancing out of their style, and the first time he’s definitively outdanced his partner, which – well, at least it happened, I guess. Granted, Yuliya was dancing stiffly and missed the beat and tried to make the whole thing work by sneering the whole time, but JP was actually very good in this. But Yuliya was terrible.

Lindsay and Christian: jazz/funk. Entertaining routine from Blake here. Some obvious ballroom lifts shoehorned into the routine, presumably to give Christian a bit of help, but I thought this was good enough: Lindsay was excellent and Christian was… okay, I suppose. He really did have that snarl on the whole way, which is problematic, but unlike Yuliya he wasn’t dancing outright badly; just average-ish.

Denitsa and Matt: cha cha. This was… yeah, kinda bad. Denitsa was a fabulous partner, and she and Matt have good chemistry, but he was just so frigging awkward the whole way through – vast chunks of the routine allowed him to not cha-cha, and when he was cha-cha-ing it became rapidly evident why so much of the routine let him escape, because his technique was nonexistent: highstepping feet, almost stomping his way through the routine. Second time tonight a dancer was just obviously out of his depth. Judges gave him a lot of leeway, though.

Carlena and Shane: contemporary. Carlena has a really appealing quality to her dancing in this routine: very tough and forceful. Her kicks looked like kicks rather than a standard contempo-extend-the-limb, which suited her very nicely and worked within the routine, and Shane partnered her wonderfully. This was a great example of how untrained dancers can bring their own special thing to modern choreography, which is one of the best things about SYTYCD when it really happens. Jean-Marc blathers about how he hopes she won’t go home, which – Jean-Marc, you’re a judge, it’s kind of your decision.

Melissa and Adam: hip-hop. A deeply dirty Luther Brown special, and as “two contemporary dancers doing hip-hop” go, this was definitely much better than average for SYTYCD. Melissa was dead-on, just killing every step, absolutely murdering it (and in heels to boot) and Adam was… decent. Not quite great – he needed to dance further down into his center to really be great, and he was just floating up a little too much – but certainly hitting that “good enough” pocket for a jazz dancer and he was entirely respectable.

Probable bottom three: Yuliya and JP, Denitsa and Matt, Carlena and Shane.
Should go home: Yuliya and Matt.
Will go home: Yuliya and JP.

Your guest judges this week are Lady Gaga and also some dude who is not Lady Gaga. Okay, it’s Rob Marshall, who on any other night would be the Real Guest Judge, but… Lady Gaga. Come on. (They were both, unsurprisingly, much better at judging than Nigel and Mary.)

Sasha and All-Star Pasha: quickstep. There have been many worse quicksteps on this show, but this was the first time all season that I saw Sasha and thought “…eh.” This dance is one of the reasons I don’t like the All-Star concept: All-Stars only show up to dance in their genre and are usually the best the show’s ever had, and they can make otherwise perfectly-competent-for-out-of-technique dancing look bland or even bad. Sasha wasn’t bad, but her missteps and slightly less-than-ideal carriage were highlighted by Pasha being dead cert.

Caitlynn and All-Star Ivan: hip-hop. See my comments re: All-Stars outshining contestants. Again, Caitlynn danced this perfectly decently: she wasn’t dancing contemporary to beats, she was actually trying to dance with resistance and proper freezes and everything. But she’s nowhere near as good at it as Ivan is – obviously – and Ivan’s so good that it just highlights how she’s not quite managing to do what he does effortlessly, and it makes her look like less when she doesn’t deserve to do.

Jordan and All-Star Ade: jazz. I see Ade and I decide the over/under on lifts is 6: this time around, he only had to perform five! Granted, one of them lasted for like ten seconds, but stil: Ade gets to be less than 50 percent forklift for once. Anyway, the choreo was so boring that counting the lifts was basically the best part of it. Jordan and Ade were game, but Jordan just bores me as a dancer to begin with – she is blandly competent with the emphasis on bland – so she has to excel for me to care and this was just good dancing of a boring piece.

Melanie and All-Star Neil: contemporary. Has any dancer in the history of this show ever been as protected as Melanie? This is, what, the seventeenth contemporary or jazz piece she’s had to dance now? Anyway, yes, it was good (Mandy Moore going to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” aside). Possibly even great. On the verge, shall we say. But every time Melanie dances in genre now, it just irks me more and more.

All-Star Anya and Ricky: jive. Iffy. I mean, we joke about how Anya can get a quality dance out of a broom, but even Anya has an off night, I suppose, because this was messy and jittery and still somehow felt slow.

All-Star Lauren and Jess: hip-hop. Man, I was sure that if they were going to bring anybody other than Comfort as a hip-hop girl All-Star, it would be Sara from season 3, but I guess Lauren is the bottom of that well. (Not that she’s bad, but Lauren’s always been sort of… generic.) Anyway, it’s worth comparing this to Jess’ last hip-hop, because Mary was actually really perceptive in her judging when she discussed how Jess was progressing. (Granted, last time she lost her shit and proclaimed him amazing, but whatever, one out of two.) Last time, Jess wasn’t dancing hip-hop: this time, there were obvious attempts at proper technique, and he looked actually decent. (Also, as an aside, how many Tabbynaps routines are about couples who cheat on each other? Maybe they should start doing routines about open marriages or something at this rate?)

All-Star The Other Lauren and Tadd: jazz. Some might complain that Tadd got a lot of time in the routine to B-boy it up, and… well, at this point I’ve given up on stylistic purity and all I have to say is that when he wasn’t B-boying he was fine. This was Perfectly Acceptable Dancing.

All-Star Allison and Marko: contemporary. This was both a beautiful piece and wildly derivative of Sonya’s Allison/Alex routine from last season, right down to the Jeff Buckley accompaniment. If it had been more original I would have been more impressed, but I spent the whole thing thinking “was that in the last one?” (I know, I know, Sonya repeating her own work, what are the odds?) Also, Marko made Lady Gaga cry! And he said he loved his mom! And then Nigel needed to explain to everybody how amazing it was that he said he loved his mom in television! SHUT UP NIGEL.

Caitlynn and Tadd: foxtrot. Nobody will remember this in a month’s time, but it was good. Not great. But good.

Marko and Ricky: hip-hop. Now this is interesting, because this was the first Nappytabs routine in a while where they dropped all the emo bullshit and just decided to let the dancers rip it, and traditionally that produces great stuff from them, and their choreo this time was really awesome. Unfortunately, Ricky and Marko aren’t, say, Twitch and Alex – or Comfort and Mark – or… well, you get the idea. They comitted and gave it their very mostest, there’s no question about that, but I have to classify it as a noble failure. Nigel does his best to tell America to dump Ricky for him. Shut up, Nigel.

Jordan and Jess: rhumba. This was basically a mess: Jason Gilkison’s choreo was already very contemporary-friendly and Jordan in particular didn’t have any rhumba technique at all (and Jess only some), and she didn’t even have the “contemporary dancer in heels” excuse. This could have been really good and wasn’t.

Sasha and Melanie: jazz. See, here’s the thing. I agree that this was excellent choreo from Sonya and I agree that both Sasha and Melanie danced it very well, but I don’t think they danced it very well together – their unison moments weren’t in sync and their styles felt disparate: Melanie dances very heavily and powerfully, which is not a bad thing by any means but is definitely a stylistic quirk, whereas Sasha’s dancing is much lighter and quicker, and it felt like two people dancing the same routine but apart to me. Not that it wasn’t thrilling; this is my minor critique of something that I thought was otherwise wholly excellent.

Bottom four: Ricky, Tadd, Jordan, Caitlynn.
Should go home: Ricky and Jordan.
Will go home: Ricky and Caitlynn.

Didn’t have time to blog last week’s USA show, mostly because I saw it two days late and other than Sasha and Twitch’s UNBELIEVABLE hiphop I was largely apathetic to it. At some point, Nigel is going to realize that the All-Star concept fundamentally hurts his show by making the current group of performers look like the junior league – and the fact that the vast majority of All-Stars are from the earlier seasons doesn’t help. (Hint: the reason Pasha keeps performing all the All-Star ballroom routines is because they’ve only had one other high-quality male ballroom dancer since season 3 – Ryan in 6 – and that’s the same reason Comfort is the only female hip-hop dancer they keep bringing back.)

Anyway. Tonight’s twist: new partners! Your special guest judges are Luther, Nico Archambeault, and Mary Murphy, who has been a special guest judge every week so far. She’s so special!

Jordan and Christian: paso doble. Francis and Natalli are, incidentally, an example of what former dancers on the show should be doing: choreographing to help promote and extend their careers in dance. The choreo was exceptional in this: that last lift was just a complete “holy shit” moment, and the judges were right to applaud it as Jordan and Christian did it perfectly and it was obviously crazy difficult. That having been said, Jordan did bobble a couple of times in her footwork (that double promenade looked particularly shaky), but these were not major flaws and complaining about them is purely minor quibbling. This was an excellent start to the night.

Denitsa and Matt: contemporary. This routine felt very… adolescent. That’s not a criticism of it, really: I’m trying to characterize the emotion that it was danced with and how it was designed, and on that level it was very flaily and aggressive and wild. But it was also exciting and felt honest, so I think on balance Sabrina Matthews (who is having a very good season so far) has a winner here. Denitsa danced this really, really well – she really threw herself into it, and her lack of technique was simply overcome by her passion for the dance. Matt… still not feeling it, to be honest. He’s a Perfectly Acceptable Dancer but I don’t see him winning, you know? But this was good enough that they should be safe.

Carlena and Kevin: hip-hop. Okay, on the one hand Carlena has danced hip-hop or related every single week so far, and it is past time that she danced something other than that. On the other hand, this was a fabulous routine from Sho-Tyme, who was hit this week rather than miss (seriously, with Sho-Tyme it’s almost always a 50/50 chance that the choreo will be amazing or cheeseball), and Carlena danced it perfectly. Kevin did not, but at least his failure wasn’t “I’m going to dance contemporary to hip-hop music,” but instead trying to dance hip-hop properly and only succeeding for about half of the routine, which is much, much more respectable: at times he was carrying the beat in his bones just dead-on, and other times he got a bit lost and needed a second to get back into his groove.

Lindsay and Shane: disco. Melissa Williams breaks her four-year-long streak of mediocrity and delivers choreography that is not half bad! MY WORLD IS COMING APART. Okay, maybe it wasn’t superb, but it was decent and that’s enough for me to applaud. Shane and Lindsay danced this well enough: they were into it and having fun, and if at times they felt a bit flaily and offbeat, they always got themselves back into sync quickly enough. This was surprisingly good! I like being surprised! Probably the best disco on any SYTYCD since season three of the US show (Sara/Neil), which admittedly is not a high bar to pass, but there you go.

Geisha and Adam: jazz/funk. …..ehhhhhhhh. Geisha tried and only partially succeeded. Adam was just sort of there, and Blake’s choreo really requires 100 percent commitment or else it just ends up looking sort of dorky, and that wasn’t there from either dancer tonight. This was not really very good.

Yuliya and Francois: mambo. Two ballroomers in their element – granted, doing street mambo rather than classical competition mambo, but outside of that slightly bobbled last lift you wouldn’t tell – and speaking of dancers being protected, Yuliya has gotten two ballroom routines and a Broadway that was ninety percent jive, so put her on the “time to dance something else” list along with Carlena. But it was fun to see two ballroom dancers doing what they do at peak performance, which is something you practically never get to see on SYTYCD (I think the last time it happened was, what, Benji/Heidi in season two USA?), so that was fun.

Shelaina and JP: Bollywood. I am pretty sure that the choreographer’s full name is “Longinus Fernandes Choreographer Of Slumdog Millionaire” because Leah Miller says that every single time she mentions him. This was perfectly all right. Could it have been better? Yes, a bit: JP in particular was a bit sloppy in his movement. But their unison was dead-on and their performance quality was decent enough.

Teya and Boneless: krump. I can count the number of krump routines I have liked on SYTYCD on the fingers of one hand and have several fingers left over, so this was handicapped going in and didn’t really surpass the handicap, unfortunately. Lil C made the… interesting choice of choosing musical accompaniment where it was actively difficult to find the beat, and that just made the dancing more awkward-looking even when they were on-time (which they were, almost entirely). Neither Boneless nor Teya krumped badly, but krump just doesn’t translate to the SYTYCD stage well, never has, and it’s a bottom-three dance almost by default. Shame.

Melissa and Joey: contemporary. Judges called this the routine of the night, but it didn’t really do anything for me. I concede its technical excellence, certainly, but it felt empty – a bunch of moves for the sake of doing pretty moves. And again: protected dancers, as neither Melissa nor Joey has had to dance once in a style where their technical training was not a specific asset.

Probable bottom three: Teya and Boneless, Geisha and Adam, Carlena and Kevin.
Should go home: Teya and Adam.
Will go home: Teya and Boneless.

Your guest judges tonight are Mary Murphy and Rex Harrington, who is Mary’s gay best friend who lives in Canada.

Lauren and Rodrigo: hip-hop. I love that Luther knows that a good hip-hop routine doesn’t have to have a storyline, and I really liked his choreo here. Rodrigo was predictably excellent here, just straight-up killing it for ninety seconds solid. Not a step wrong for him. Lauren was much better than I expected she would be: there were a few moments where she wasn’t hitting it at all and was just going through the motions and looking a bit awkward, but there were more where she was dancing perfectly good hip-hop. Given that Lauren and Rodrigo have superb chemistry together, a few flubs on Lauren’s part were easily ignored, though. Strong opener.

Lindsay and Christian: contemporary. Blake explains that his routine is about how nice it is to touch people, which is barely an explanation of what it’s about and that suits me just fine. Lindsay was very good in this, as should surprise nobody. This was a seriously forklifty routine for Christian, what with the approximately 5000 lifts he had to perform, but he did them quite nicely – my only complaint, actually, is that one point he had to take a few steps away and then turn and his hips just fell into a Latin promenade-and-swing-around, which looked absolutely ridiculous (in context, it made him look like he was doing a hip-cock “look at my ass!” moment – especially given his dramatic expression at the time) and took me out of the routine for a second. But other than that, this was good.

Denitsa and JP: jive. While I’m glad to see Tiny Hugh Jackman Danny back to choreo, this felt lacklustre, and I feel like some of the blame has to JP on this: the entire thing felt about 3/4 speed, just a hair too sluggish to be really enjoyable. His extensions on his kicks weren’t terribly impressive either. Denitsa tried her best, but… yeah. Not enthralling. Not terrible, mind you, not actively bad or anything. Just… not riveting. It was an average dance on a show that’s at present wildly above average.

Carlena and Boneless: dancehall. Okay, here’s the thing: by any objective standard, Carlena did a standout job on this routine: she hit every move just about perfectly and flowed with the dance as she should have done, and brought her personality to it as well. But the problem is that she was dancing with Boneless, and Boneless was so fucking good in this routine that he actually made Carlena look a little less good just because he was working well above her already extremely high level. In other words, this was amazing. (Hearing Mary imitate Tre’s Caribbean patois was less amazing.)

Teya and Kevin: Viennese waltz. Sadly, this was not even remotely close to good. I was really rooting for Teya and Kevin to nail this, but Teya in particular just had no technique whatsoever: at times it appeared as though she was actually stumbling through her moves rather than dancing at all and at least once I was certain that she was about to fall down. Kevin at least had a little rise and fall, but only a little bit, and he didn’t execute the lifts anywhere near sufficiently. The judges call this “not bad,” which in SYTYCD Canada judgespeak means “this was atrocious.” Just terrible.

Geisha and Francois: hip-hop. I liked Tucker Barkley’s choreo a lot more than I liked his choreo last week, but I didn’t like the dancing as much as the judges did. I thought Geisha was good – not great, as she started off softer than I would like, but good overall – and Francois was borderline acceptable at best, the absolute minimum of what a competent hip-hop performance should be – I particularly think he sacrificed a lot of technique to match the routine’s speed. However, the judges gave him more props than they gave Geisha, which is just sort of wrong. Then Rex Harrington exclaims that he is using so much hip-hop jargon that he will become black by the end of the night, which – no, Rex Harrington. Just no.

Yuliya and Adam: samba. Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas explains that this is a Brazilian samba, which apparently means that he can blend capoeira moves into it as he sees fit, which protects Adam a lot because Adam’s actual samba was only passable at best – but he was quite good at capoeira-style flipping and leaping, and the choreo blended that in with Yuliya’s insane hipwork extremely smoothly, and Adam and Yuliya were much better at partnering each other this week than last week when they were a bit stiffer. Which is to say: I don’t know if this was especially good, but I know that I enjoyed it.

Melissa and Shane: contemporary. A really astounding bit of work from Sabrina Matthews here, who is really impressing me so far this season. Yes, granted, it was a Very Special Dance (about contracting HIV), and some of the lifts didn’t really make sense to me (if Melissa is supporting Shane, why is he lifting her?), but generally my response to that was “so what” because the dancing was really just excellent and powerful on multiple levels here by both Melissa and Shane. This was just very, very good, and there is not much more to say than that.

Shelaina and Matt: hustle. Although I’m always happy to see hustle on SYTYCD, this didn’t especially thrill me: the lifts were big and epic, and I can’t fault the dancers on that score, but the floorwork just left me wanting more commitment: it felt tentative, lacking confidence, and the quick reverses didn’t snap as they should have done. This was disappointing. Not outright bad, but… mediocre, let’s say, or bland.

Jordan and Joey: jazz. The plot of this Sean Cheeseman routine is “girl doesn’t want guy to kiss her,” which given that Joey seems very doubtful to be interested in the ladies is a bit ludicrous, but Jordan and Joey do their best to go over-the-top with Jordan making ridiculous pouty faces and Joey… kinda looking like a goldfish? But, that aside, the movement here was insane, just what-the-hell choreo, every move done absolutely perfectly. An excellent ending routine to the show.

Probable bottom three: Shelaina and Matt, Teya and Kevin, Geisha and Francois.
Should go home: Teya and Kevin.
Will go home: Teya and Kevin.

People have been asking me in email if I think the difference between the quality of the Canadian version of SYTYCD (thus far – be wary, as they all danced mostly in-style this week and next week is the real test) as to the American version which has not enthralled this season so far is down to the quality of the dancers or the training or something else entirely, and the answer is “I’m not sure.”

However, one nice thing about the Canadian version is that they always show the full dances the dancers have to go through in finals week, and it gives me an opportunity to show off Jean-Marc Genereaux and his wife France (sorry, “thelovelyFrance”), who always demo the ballroom portion of finals week and who are always sick.

Is the American version as rigorous as this? I’m not sure, because they never show the full routine.

Your guest judges this week are Jesse Tyler Ferguson of Modern Family and Sonya Tayeh. Ferguson is verbose and actually occasionally helpful, and makes the long-overdue point that Cat Deeley really deserves an Emmy nomination for her work as host. Sonya is a neverending stream of celebratory nothing.

Sasha and Alexander: paso doble and Broadway.. Alexander says his character is “ready to go” in the gentlest, most boyish way possible, which tells you a great deal about Alexander. Tony-N-Melanie choreographed a paso here where apparently both dancers were playing the male role, and Sasha was better at it than Alexander, which also tells you a lot about Alexander. Anyway, this was your standard mediocre two-contemporary-dancers-do-ballroom paso on SYTYCD, but there have been far worse.

Tasty gives another Broadway, which was unfocused but not bad. Sasha slips up at the end, but covers for it well. Alexander is Alexander and that is all you need to know: Nigel gives him props for being strong for once, which… he was okay and in any proper season of this show would have lasted three weeks (or get Kameronned in top 10, which is what looks to happen).

Jordan and Tadd: contemporary and Broadway. I really liked Travis’ choreo on the contemporary: it was like what he was trying to do with that Legacy contemporary in season 6 – use a B-boy to make violent choreo more emphatic – except this time it worked properly and wasn’t a mess. Tadd was excellent. Jordan was… well, she was perfectly adequate, which is what I expected from her at this point. Jordan doesn’t really engage me as a dancer yet: whereas Tadd has demonstrated some really exciting work, Jordan has just never screwed up anything and is competent all the time. But, unfortunately, also kind of boring.

The Broadway was cute (Spencer Liff going two-for-two) but very, very basic, and it looks like they took everything Jordan couldn’t do out of the routine? I don’t know. The judges act very disappointed, thus giving the audience permission to not vote for these two so they can eliminate the only non-technically-trained dancer remaining. Oh, wait, that’s just my running conspiracy theory.

Ryan and Ricky: Broadway and cha-cha. Spencer Liff put together a really engaging and impressive bit of choreography for the Broadway, and Ricky and Ryan did not really carry it. Ryan danced heavily like she always does (but, on the bright side, got to dance in a style where her constant smiling is an asset rather than a hindrance); Ricky made the mistake of trying to match unison with Mollee 2.0 instead of simply outdancing her, which is both gentlemanly and stupid. Nigel again praises last week’s lousy “fashion zombie” routine, which – shut up, Nigel.

The cha-cha was… oh my god so bad. SO GODDAMNED BAD. Ricky was okay and I think with more practice could be quite decent at this. Ryan was terrible. I mean, there was nothing good about that performance: every second of it was awkward, her footwork was a mess, she didn’t have anything resembling a decent Latin carriage… I could go on at length. The judges soft-sold their criticism. Mary calls it the “fastest darn cha-cha I’ve ever seen,” which – not even remotely close. This was horrendous, arguably worse than Missy and Wadi’s cha-cha three weeks back.

Caitlyn and Mitchell: hip-hop and contemporary. Christopher Smith says this routine is about child soldiers, which… sure, whatever, anything to distract me from what was one of the most godawful hip-hop performances I’ve ever seen on this show. No unison, almost completely absent of hip-hop technique, no flavour or attitude whatsoever. Both Caitlyn and Mitchell were completely lousy in this, and it was already a routine that had quite a few points where they weren’t doing anything but running around so I’m not inclined to be generous with them. Judges give them the “it sucked but you’re still awesome” judging.

Travis’ contemporary choreo was mostly a miss for me: some interesting lifts, but nothing else that really impressed me. (One of the dangers of constantly tossing out and celebrating contemporary choreography is that it all starts to run together – such as, for example, when in a single night you have four contemporary routines and three Broadway routines with SYTYCD’s standard contempo-focus.) Mitchell and Caitlyn were perfectly okay in it, however.

Melanie and Marko: tango and contemporary. Louis Van Amstel! Woo! And the tango was… okay. Their execution was not perfect, but it had some great bits of choreo (the portion by the stage’s edge, the final lift) and they executed those bits quite nicely, and I can’t really call a routine where they hit the high points dead-on “bad” per se. It was okay! But only okay, and thus the judges’ overpraising of it was really irritating. Coincidentally, this is the only time in the first five weeks that Melanie and Marko have had to dance out of their genre (I refuse to count their “lyrical hip-hop” as being anything other than contemporary set to a beat).

Dee Caspary’s choreo was lovely and they danced it perfectly, which is not surprising, and the constant pimping of Melanie and Marko as a power couple when they’ve danced in their genre effectively five times out of six (and have had their weakest moments when they strayed away from their comfort zone) drives me batty, but it was a good routine and danced well.

Clarice and Jess: hip-hop and jive. On Twitter I was asked “Jess performing hip hop: Horrible farce or insult to all dance?” and the answer is: a-ha, false premise, because they were dancing a contemporary piece with beats in, just as Melanie and Marko did a couple weeks ago. Which they did quite well, given that they weren’t dancing a hip-hop routine: ignore what it says on the tin, as Christopher Scott has learned well that this show is not interested in actual hip-hop choreography any more. And for that, their unison was good and their chemistry excellent (and it is worth noting that their chemistry was initially terrible and they have worked hard to rectify that).

The jive was… laboured, is the word I think to use here. I think this is another one of those pieces where with more practice it would have been much better, but as it was I could see them mentally preparing for the big tricks. Judges praise it to high heaven, because I guess this is what constitutes “good” ballroom on the American show these days. Sorry if I sound bitter, but the Canadian show this week was so much better in just about every possible way and such a reminder of what the show can be that seeing what the American show has become is endlessly frustrating.

Probable bottom three: Ryan and Ricky, Caitlyn and Mitchell, Jordan and Tadd.
Should go home: Ryan and Mitchell.
Will go home: Caitlyn and Tadd.

Your judges tonight are Jean-Marc, Tre, Blake, Luther and Mary. No surprises for the first episode – well, other than the fact that they went with five judges, and Mary’s judging two shows this week, and what happened to Moses, which is just downright tragic. (For SYTYCD USA viewers who don’t follow the Canadian show: Moses has auditioned all four years for the show, made it to final cut years two and three, and finally made the show this year – and then had to pull out because of torn shoulder ligaments a week before the first performance episode. The backstage video was just him crying. Poor dude.)

Lindsay and Christian: salsa. (Lindsay: contemporary, Christian: ballroomer.) This was a ridiculously good way to start off the show: easily one of the best kickoff performances for a season ever (up there with Philipchbeeb/Jeanine from season 5 USA and Ben/Pania from Australia s2). Tony-N-Melanie called it a street salsa, but for me this split the difference between a competition-style performance salsa and a street dance. This is not a criticism, as both Lindsay and Christian were very, very good in this: the over-shoulder split-leg lift could have been a bit faster and smoother, perhaps, but I suspect that it was actually choreographed that way. Lindsay in particular was impressive because she matched Christian step-for-step (and he was predictably excellent). I’m sorry, but it’s been so long since I saw a really great ballroom performance on SYTYCD and I am jazzed.

Jordan and Joey: contemporary. (Both contemporary dancers.) In vignettes, Joey is shown dancing practice dances with Sabra, which is random but wonderful. This dance was a Stacey Tookey number that was apparently dedicated to “everybody suffering in natural disasters,” and although that theme didn’t come through for me – it felt like a dance that could apply to any difficult situation solved through selflessness – that doesn’t mean that the choreography wasn’t lovely and the dancing superb on Jordan and Joey’s part. The twinned leg extension on the floor: amazing. And Stacey Tookey defied my expectations because, when the music hit its crescendo, I was expecting standard SYTYCD intense contempo-flailing and then she did not do that thing, instead going to slowness and deliberation, and I was very pleased to see that happen.

Denitza and JP: hip-hop. (Denitza: ballroomer, JP: hip-hopper.) Despite that JP is the hip-hop dancer here, I actually felt Denitza did the better job simply on the basis of performance: JP looked a bit nervous and uncomfortable. They all hit all their marks, but I didn’t particularly care for the choreography, which wasn’t up to what I expected from Tucker Barkley (who is a really insanely good hip-hop dancer); it felt thrown together and often arbitrary, and I don’t know if that’s to Denitza and JP not getting his steps and the dance having to be dumbed down, or if he just had an off night. This wasn’t especially bad, but it was average, and suffered following two excellent performances in comparison.

Shelaina and Matt: contemporary. (Both contemporary.) I really liked the shit out of this routine. I don’t think Shelaina and Matt danced it quite as well as Jordan and Joey danced their routine (Matt in particular had one or two visible bobbles), but Sabrina Matthews’ living-doll choreography was exceptionally entertaining, and minor mistakes aside both Shelaina and Matt really got into their characters and danced the hell out of this: the piece had a great edgy, brittle feel to it which I appreciated greatly, and the lifts were just cool in a way that’s really hard to approach with contemporary lifts. This was very good.

Yuliya and Adam L: “theater.” (Ballroom and jazz, respectively.) Adam L looks suspiciously like Pasha and dances suspiciously like a jazz dancer version of Pasha. I believe there has been cloning! Anyways, both Yuliya and Adam L danced this quite well, but here is the problem: it is a Melissa Williams routine, which means that even before the dancing begins I am expecting something corny, frenetic, disorganized and mashing up genres for the sake of it, and once again I am not disappointed. For all that this was a “theater” piece, what it actually turned out to be was a jive with some jazz flourishes to it, not unlike Melissa Williams saying “well, I have a trained ballroom dancer and a jazz dancers – let’s work with that!” and then failing. Again. (I’m sorry if this seems like I am being hard on Melissa Williams, but it has now been four seasons and she hasn’t choreographed one single piece I liked. I am just thankful this was not “new disco.”) It’s a shame, because in spite of the lackluster piece I thought Yuliya and Adam were doing their best with it.

Cassandra and Francois: rhumba. (Cassandra: jazz, Francois: ballroom.) Cassandra refers to herself as “Cassexy,” which – she is eighteen, so it is forgivable that she would do something like that, but that does not make me say “.nnnnnno” any less. Eric Katy and Kelly Lannan’s choreo was really very nice here, hitting exactly that level of “epic” I like to see in a SYTYCD rhumba (to the point that, when rosepetals began falling from the ceiling, it didn’t seem forced), and Francois and Cassandra mostly did it justice: she was a little tentative in parts, especially at the beginning, but as the dance progressed she clearly found her groove and transitioned from just walking through the steps to dancing them. Francois was, unsurprisingly, really terrific. This was damn good.

Carlena and Boneless: hip-hop. (Both hip-hop.) Carlena gets the “by the way, I had a horrible childhood” vignette, presumably because the producers realized that after the judges lectured her for being bitchy they needed to counter that so that voters wouldn’t treat her like the plague. Anyway, the crowd went absolutely apeshit for this, which isn’t surprising because Carlena and Boneless absolutely murdered Steve Bolton’s choreography, and I think the last time I wrote that about a hip-hop routine on SYTYCD was when Alex Wong and Twitch danced off in season 7, and that is sort of cheating because it was Twitch, who was proven and professional talent by that point. (Aside: when is Twitch going to get to do choreo for a show? He deserves a shot if he wants it.)

Teya and Kevin: contemporary. (Teya: hip-hop, Kevin: contemporary.) There’s a sort of point where a non-trained dancer can hit when they’re doing technical choreography that I really love seeing (and this goes for other genres as well): they’re not doing extensions in the way that a trained dancer does, but they fall into the dance and work it to the best of their abilities, and it becomes something special, which is the reason to watch this show in the first place. Pasha hit it in season 3 USA, Demi hit it in season 1 Australia, Legacy hit it in season 6 USA, and Teya hit it here. Kevin was extremely good, justifying his inevitable fan-favorite status (as he’s been auditioning since season 1, and lost sixty pounds over the four years as he pursued dancing – really, the visual contrast is striking). Stacey Tookey’s choreography here was more what I expect out of a “standard SYTYCD choreography” mode than her first piece, but that didn’t make this not good.

Lauren and Rodrigo: cha-cha. (Lauren: Latin ballroom, Rodrigo: hip-hop.) GUSTAVO MOTHERFUCKING VARGAS routine, oh yes, and his choreo did not disappoint, but if we are being truthful this is the sort of routine that the term “hot mess” was invented to describe. The performance quality was off the charts: this really felt like a genuine club performance and Lauren and Rodrigo have insane amounts of chemistry., and Lauren can cha-cha like nobody’s business. However: Rodrigo wasn’t doing a cha-cha here. He was doing this sort of weird synthesis of hip-hop with a little Latin flavour and some purely animalistic movement, and I can’t call it good cha-cha in conscience, but it was extremely entertaining, and I suspect that since he took his shirt off the teen girls will be voting for him in force.

Geisha and Adam L: new disco. (Both contemporary, but Adam clearly has some b-boy roots.) OH GOD IT’S MY FAULT I SAID “NEW DISCO” AND IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU SAY “CANDYMAN” THREE TIMES. Yes, it’s another Melissa Williams routine, and I’ll say again that “new disco” is just an uneven fusion of jazz and disco that veers back and forth between focusing on one or the other depending on who’s dancing it, and why can’t Melissa Williams stop trying to make “fetch” happen? Geisha and Adam did as well as could be expected with it, for what that is worth, but… yeah. The entire thing felt half-speed. (Also, I am unabashedly rooting for Geisha right now as she is a fellow Carletonian.)

Melissa and Shane: afrojazz. (Melissa contemporary, Shane jazz.) Both Melissa and Shane are tryout veterans (her four times, him three), so they are clearly pleased to be here. An excellent piece of work from Sean Cheeseman, I thought, and Melissa and Shane murdered it: their unison moves were dead perfect, their performance quality was superb and their chemistry solid. I don’t have much else to say, other than A) this was great and B) this episode contends with Australia season 2 and USA season 5 for “best opening performance episode ever.”

Probable bottom three: Denitza and JP, Yuliya and Adam L, Geisha and Adam A.
Should go home: Yuliya and JP.
Will go home: Yuliya and Adam L.

Your guest judges this week are Carmen Electra, who is useless and not even slightly adorable, and Travis Wall, who is so busy trying to be nice that he ends up coming across like a giant kiss-ass, to the point where contestants are actively making fun of his judging while he’s doing it, but at least he’s doing his best to give actual constructive criticism.

(Incidentally, So You Think You Can Dance Canada announced its top 22 this week (yes, a top 22, it’s a repeat gimmick), and for those wondering: five hip-hop, five ballroom, twelve contemporary/jazz (and the bulk of final cuts at the Walk of Doom stage were hip-hoppers). See, it is entirely possible to have a style-diverse cast for this show. You just have to admit that styles other than contemporary are worth performing well, and that training in hip-hop and ballroom is as important as training in jazz and ballet. I’m hoping downloads will eventually show up for the later episodes of the show, because the auditions this year were, as always, insane, and I’d like to do another compilation for the Americans.)

Top seven boys: contemporary. Chris was seriously behind in the unison section for a bit, but other than that this was a really good group routine.

Melanie and Marko: jazz. Technical routine #3 (out of four) so far for Melanie and Marko, and that will be a theme tonight. But this was interesting, because generally so far my opinion of M&M has been that they are excellent dancers dancing choreography that could be better, and tonight I thought the choreography was excellent (Ray Leeper can stick around; he is cool beans!) and Melanie and Marko were both subpar as compared to their previous work. Melanie seemed to be dancing as if she was wearing lead weights for parts of the routine, and Marko was visibly off-balance at several points in the routine. It wasn’t bad by any stretch, but after watching a very strong couple for three weeks I have to say that this was a bit of a stumble.

Sasha and Alexander: hip-hop. Nigel complained that this was basic, and the judges were critical of it, and god knows there’s nobody I trust more for hip-hop criticism than the people who thought Evan could dance hip-hop in season five. I agree that it was pretty straightforward, but it was also charming choreography by Shaun Evaristo (and I hope the whining doesn’t kill his chances for more work, because I thought this was a decent start) and hearing Nigel and Mary complain about a lack of “swag” after jizzing their pants over god knows how many routines that barely had a beat to them makes me just shake my head a lot. However, they were correct that Alexander barely has any style. Sasha was predictably good.

Jordan and Tadd: waltz. Wait, again? I mean, giving all-technical couples jazz and contemporary all the time, that’s just predictable, but giving Jordan and Tadd the waltz twice in the first four episodes? Yeeesh. And this was barely a waltz; Jordan didn’t waltz at all, honestly, she was just doing her contempo-stuff the whole way through, and there was, what, maybe four seconds total of closed hold? Tadd, meanwhile, has really lovely rise and fall and sway, and he is a B-boy. Mary explains that this is American smooth waltz, but even in American smooth waltz you hold your partner for more than four frigging seconds.

Clarice and Jess: contemporary. (Three of four technical dances, again.) Okay, I’m going to admit that Jess has basically completely changed my initial opinion of him, which is that he was a one-note Broadway dancer who couldn’t partner and also had a sort of douchebag aura. This is two weeks in a row where Jess has partnered Clarice excellently, and this was reminiscent of hip-hop, the movements were so sharp. (But only reminiscent. When I complain that a lot of the hip-hop contemporary dancers perform on this show isn’t aces – consider its similarity to this and you start to get the idea.) Clarice was great. Justin Giles’ choreography was excellent and I want to see more of his work on the show, between this and the opening boys’ number. This was just good on numerous levels.

Ashley and Chris: salsa. This was extremely vanilla with occasional flashes of style and flavour, which is more or less how I would describe everything Ashley and Chris ever do on this show: they are technically sound (apart from their hip-hop thus far), but neither of them seems terribly able to really perform (as opposed to executing steps correctly) outside of their comfort zone. (Ashley hasn’t even done an enthralling solo so far.) Travis tries to say “I love you guys” approximately seven thousand times to make up for saying that they were boring and bland, and the crowd goes apeshit with booing because the judges never say anything negative any more and they’re not used to hearing even mild criticism. They should have been eliminated already, but they probably will be this week because literally every other couple got a genre they’d already done well in, which makes me think that Nigel – who is really about as subtle as a lead weight – is trying to fix things as he sees fit.

Nancy Travis Junior and Ricky: jazz. Hey, it’s a new choreographer! His name is Chucky, which I could not make up if I wanted to do. It is a zombie routine. It is a mostly boring routine. The judges jizz over it being “original,” but it is a zombie routine, and I think at this point it must be like the 75th zombie routine in SYTYCD history, and it has all the same ripoffs from “Thriller” that just about every zombie routine has these days; ostensibly this is a fashion-zombie routine, which could have been amusing but absolutely nothing gets done with that concept so: fuck it, this routine sucked. Ricky was predictably decent, dancewise. Ryan was surprisingly mediocre (that last pirouette was just ugly as she came out of it), but as anybody who follows the show-gossip knows, she is a Judges’ Favourite, much like Lauren in s3 (and for the same reason, as she has worked as an assistant for SYTYCD choreographers previously), and that means she gets praised to the moon for wholly unremarkable work and, it seems, for managing to not smile crazily through the entire routine. Indeed, she gets praised for inhabiting her character, but, again, it is a zombie routine: hundreds of people inhabit the character at every zombie march because it isn’t a character, it’s just moving in a certain sort of way and groaning a little, so performing it is not some sort of amazing achievement. Nigel compares it to the classic Wade Robson zombie group routine from season two, which: no, not even a little bit. And come to think, at least Lauren danced numerous styles and showed competence in them: Ryan has had jazz twice, contemporary, and one lyrical hip-hop which was, shockingly, more lyrical than hip-hop. Ryan is not the new Lauren. She is the new Mollee. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Caitlyn and Mitchell: contemporary. The first two-thirds of this did absolutely nothing for me; it was very standard SYTYCD contemporary, your flowing clothes and your paired leaps and your ecstatic expressions, danced very well by both of them and absolutely nothing anybody will remember three weeks from now. The last thirty seconds were some genuinely impressive choreography, though, including a set of lifts that were spectacular and a really nice end position. The judges fall over themselves to proclaim it the Best Routine of the Night, which it wasn’t in any qualitative sense (Clarice and Jess had it all over this), but it was certainly, of all the routines, the most predictably So-You-Think-You-Can-Danciest, danced by a couple who are both technically trained and who between them have danced one routine (last week’s samba) outside of their comfort zone.

Top seven girls: jazz. This was good.

Probable bottom three: Ashley and Chris, Ricky and Ryan, Sasha and Alexander.
Should go home: Ashley and Chris.
Will go home: Ashley and Chris.

Your guest judges this week are Lil C and Kristin Chenoweth, which makes me think they have the judge-choosing equivalent of a roulette wheel somewhere and it broke, but both of them are insightful and eloquent and make Nigel’s terrible jokes a little more bearable, and the prospect of seeing strong dancers eliminated in favour of Yet More Contemporary Dancers Who Have No Shot At Winning No Matter How Pimped They Are a little less bothersome. But only a little. Yes, I am bitter about last week’s eliminations.

Group dance: Broadway. This was terrible awkward choreography, one of the worst Broadway pieces Tasty has ever put together, and he has put together some goddamned doozies.

Sasha and Alexander: contemporary. Sasha straight-up murdered this for the second week in a row. Alexander continues to be the less-comfortable Robert for me, and again: that’s saying something. He was better than last week because he was in his comfort zone this week, but I don’t quite feel comfortable saying he looked great. I really liked Dee Caspary’s choreography here: it was contemplative and original and fresh on a show that’s often gotten stale in recent years.

Caitlyn and Mitchell: samba. Caitlyn’s costume was just a disaster here: she had good carriage and worked her body superbly, I think, but all the floofy stuff wiggling around her made it almost impossible to see her dancing. Mitchell did quite well for somebody who didn’t have a lot to do – seriously, go back and watch it again and see how much, well, standing he was doing – but what he actually got to do was excellent. I didn’t really like the routine that much (Jean Marc is capable of much better, unless it turned out that Mitchell really needed to stand around a whole lot), but I thought they did a good job with what they were given.

Miranda and Robert: Broadway. So that’s Tasty 1-for-2 then tonight, I guess, since this was… okay! Not great – I think Tyce diverged a little too much from his music (especially for a Broadway routine) and it got distracting. And I think it was pretty basic, for the most part. But it was okay. Robert and Miranda were both game and threw themselves into it, and it was okay. I am using the word “okay” a lot, which is probably condemning with faint praise, but whatever. I didn’t hate this. It was there. For Tasty doing Broadway, that is practically a victory.

Melanie and Marko: hip-hop. Marko and Melanie are exceptional actors in a way that most dancers on this show just aren’t, first off – they embodied their characters wholly. That having been said, although I thought this was excellent, I didn’t think it was excellent hip-hop. Excellent jazz-with-beats, definitely, but whatever, at this point when I see an honest-to-god hip-hop routine on SYTYCD it’s A) a novelty and B) most likely going to be bad since they fill seasons with winsome modern dancers who can barely hit a beat. But Melanie and Marko can clearly both hit beats (although it’s worth noting they don’t sync up perfectly; Marko hits his beats very crisply and Melanie is more fluid, so despite the fact that neither is dancing offbeat they appear a little bit askew). So basically I can’t wait until they actually get to dance a hip-hop routine!

Ashley and Chris: jazz. Sonya went outside her usual bag of tricks here, and that’s good to see. But this was so bland and lifeless. Ashley and Chris again dance out of sync and again just don’t have any snap to their movements (and Sonya’s routines need that sharp quality more often than not). Neither of them are going to win: hopefully they go this week.

Clarice and Jess: foxtrot. Jess is dead-on once again when they dance apart; when they’re together… not so much. He was a lot better this week than last, since he didn’t blow the lift and as the routine progressed he really seemed to get comfortable with it, but man, that first closed hold he was so stiff! Clarice is good as always in her sort-of-generic way.

Ryan and Ricky: contemporary. Ryan’s smile keeps sneaking onto her face and it’s so goddamned distracting, which is a shame because her movement was so excellent otherwise. Ricky was excellent. This was good, in the sort of personality-free way that all the routines this season seem to have – my god, the dancers this season are so bland, I have trouble imagining a top four that would get me excited to watch the season develop. Melanie, Marko, Tadd and Sasha, maybe? Maybe? Euuuurgh. It makes me think that Jess is popular only because people can remember that he has a schtick and he isn’t fucking up too much.

Jordan and Tadd: hip-hop. My god, this was appallingly bad choreo. Just… yeesh. Tadd was excellent throughout, and demonstrated what could be done with actual hip-hop dancing on this show before Tabbynaps decided it would be more fun to have him put on and take off shirts and bounce on a bed. Jordan: see aforementioned comment about dancers this season being so frigging bland.

Group dance: contemporary. This was fine, and that’s all I’ll bother saying about it, because, really – this show’s genericness is just depressing. The formula is clear: one Latin ballroom per week, one standard ballroom per week, and the rest is contemporary or jazz (hip-hop is virtually dead on the show at this point). Bland bland bland bland bland.

Probable bottom three: Ashley and Chris, Miranda and Robert, Ryan and Ricky.
Should go home: Ryan and Chris.
Will go home: Ashley and Chris.

Your guest judge this week is Debbie Reynolds, who is dance royalty and also completely blah as a judge. BRING BACK THE CHOREOGRAPHER JUDGES ALREADY PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Nancy Travis Ryan and Ricky: jazz. Mandy Moore Does The Eighties Volume 844; nothing particularly interesting about the SOOPASEXY choreography, but then again I watch the Canadian show where this sort of thing is just weak tea. Ryan continues to smile through her entire performance and it’s just crazily distracting at this point; she no longer seems exuberant and instead is giving off serial-killer-in-denial vibes, and her dancing isn’t special enough that I care to look past that. Ricky continues to impress me much more than I thought he would.

Caitlyn and Mitchell: contemporary. Stacey Tookey’s choreography can just sometimes be so smart, like here where she clearly designed it with camera angles in mind – that first sequence with both chairs in focus was just so goddamned visually striking. Mitchell and Caitlyn were both just completely solid in this and I was thoroughly happy with it.

Missy and Wadi: cha-cha. This was… not that good. There is a certain swagger to cha-cha, a flick of the hips (beyond the wiggling Jean-Marc was showing off in the practice – and incidentally, notice that Vincent from SYTYCD Canada s2 was one of their trainers) and snap of the toes that Wadi just did not have, making the striding portions of this look like very basic walking, and his general carriage was not there either, which had the effect of making the entire dance feel like it was moving at half speed. Missy was better, but strictly okay, and not nearly so amazing as the judges claimed; she was in “would have made an acceptable partner for a blazing ballroom expert” territory and not much more, and she had the same lethargy that Wadi did for large stretches.

Iveta and Nick: Bollywood. All I can say about Bollywood most of the time is “I don’t know how to critique this style.” In this case, I can add that Nick and Iveta were off-sync at least twice during the routine, although they resynced quickly enough. Nigel does whatever is the opposite of soft-selling by pointing out that Joshua and Katee did it better “but they were in the top ten,” which A) cunningly implies that Nick and Iveta aren’t top ten material and B) is wrong, since at that time Joshua and Katee were in the top twelve. Thanks, Nigel!

Miranda and Robert: hip-hop. This routine didn’t gel for me, and I place that mostly on the choreo since it just felt kind of aimless and unfocused and didn’t go anywhere; no sense of build to this routine. It just meandered. Robert and Miranda were both good at it, though (Miranda’s somersault flub aside). Nigel exclaims that Miranda gave one of the best hip-hop performances a contemporary dancer has ever given on this show, which… no. Not even in the top ten. She was respectable, though.

Clarice and Jess: contemporary. Jess is terrible at close partnering. Terrible. He is awkward in close holds and his lifting was terrible (at one point he very nearly stumbled). When he dances alone he’s really very good: his timing is near perfect, his centre is, as previously mentioned, absolutely insane (he is up there with Danny from season 3 for flawless pirouettes) and his moves are crisp and just snap into place so well. But he’s not good at partnering, and if you can’t do lifts on this show why even bother? However they are probably safe considering the screaming from the tween brigade.

Jordan and Tad: Viennese waltz. This was quite nice. Was it as good as the judgegasm? No, not quite. But it was good, and both dancers acquitted themselves well. That is all.

Melanie and Marko: jazz. The first two-thirds of this routine were staggeringly good – just amazing dancing from both Melanie and Marko (who are a really excellent partnership), but additionally Mandy Moore’s choreo was actually very clever and original and fun. The last third of it (pretty much the point where the music shifted into full-on house)… kinda went nowhere, choreographywise, but Melanie and Marko were still quite good in it even though Marko briefly lost his prop-hat. This was a strong piece of work all around, though, and excellent dancing.

Sasha and Alexander: hip-hop. Much, much better choreo for this Tabbynaps piece than their first this evening. Sasha absolutely destroyed this: just incredible technique and performance. Alexander’s effort was unfortunately visible and his technique not on par with Sasha’s by any measure – he didn’t blow any moves but the technique was lacking, and he tried to make up the difference with facial acting. Still, this was fine, albeit mostly because of Sasha.

Ashley and Chris: Broadway. Spencer Liff is so much more welcome to see than Tasty. Seriously, one hears “Broadway” and you just start wincing, and then… hey, not Tasty! This was fun choreo, well outside of the standard SYTYCD box in a lot of ways – I especially liked the various interactions with the bars, which were more varied than I expected. Ashley and Chris, for what it is worth, danced it quite well. Perfectly decent on all levels.

Probable bottom three: Miranda and Robert, Missy and Wadi, Clarice and Jess.
Should stay: Clarice and Wadi.
Will stay: Missy and Wadi.