NCallahan asked about my ideal design for a reality show. The problem with this sort of question is that most of the ground has already been staked out.

Consider reality television, as a genre, along two axes. The first axis is amount of specific talent required. On the one hand, you have a show like MythBusters, wherein Adam and Jamie bring a wealth of scientific and engineering skill, or Ice Road Truckers, where a very dangerous job is done by experienced drivers. On the other hand, you have a show like Survivor, where specific knowledge is entirely secondary in terms of the show’s gameplay and presentation to less tangible people skills, or The Hills, where everybody is a retard and the only thing that matters is the clash of personality. Call it the difference between traditional IQ and emotional/social intelligence.

The second axis is degree of competition. Reality shows are either competitive or not, sure, but there are degrees of competitiveness. A show where the public votes on the winner is inherently less competitive than one where the winner is decided by a single person, like Donald Trump in The Apprentice; there’s simply more chance that the public will judge incorrectly or in a biased manner. A panel of judges, in turn, produces a show more competitive than one judged by a single arbiter. And of course, the most competitive show is one where the contestants are eliminated only by other contestants. And of course there are shows where competition is either entirely moot, or where the “competition” is strictly A) for funsies or B) something about self-improvement.

So, visually, you get this:

Increasingly one sees that reality TV trends towards the corners. The social/noncompetitive corner is dominated by MTV-style docusoaps like The Hills and other such totally worthless and horrible shows. The talent/noncompetitive corner is the realm of docudramas like Deadliest Catch. Social/competitive is exemplified by The Bachelor, where the goal is entirely competitive and the means to get it entirely social. (Survivor, while primarily a social competition, has nonsocial elements in its competitive axis.) Finally, talent/competitive is exemplified by Wipeout, which while not exactly high-class is definitely A) entirely about physical talent and B) competitive in the purest sense, as victory is determined solely by one’s time on the fancy obstacle course.

What this means is that any new successful reality show has to find its own microterritory within the corners. And clearly, the most room exists in the competitive/social quadrant. Isn’t science helpful?

After tonight’s SYTYCD elimination, I went over to Television Without Pity’s forums, mostly because I am a masochist. In between the usual ranting about how Philipchbeeb is ruining the show for them and so forth, I also found the usual bevy of conspiracy theories. Melissa is older than 30 because she has lines on her face! They are manipulating the Bottom Three couples so that people’s votes don’t matter! And so forth. (These complaints are always trotted out for American Idol as well, but I don’t care about Idol so I can let them go.)

I would just like to make it clear: these people are full of crap. I mean, they are full of crap on the level of the guy at that party who tells you that Kentucky Fried Chicken changed their name to KFC because they weren’t legally allowed to call it “chicken” any more, because they invented centipede-chickens with ten drumsticks apiece. They are graduates of the School Of Somebody Told Me.

How do I know they are full of crap? Because 19 Entertainment and Fox have created a happy fun television show that A) invites contestants to compete for a large cash prize, and B) invites the public to vote, at cost, to determine winners. In the case of both groups, the contestants, the show is therefore responsible to them to present the rules of the show publicly and openly, and to abide by those rules. Were the producers to not do this, then they would be liable to both groups; any contestants who felt slighted would be able to sue for the “loss of a chance,” which is well-established in contract law as potential grounds for a suit. There would similarly be grounds for a class action lawsuit on the public’s behalf.

This is why every episode ends with a disclaimer in small print admitting that the show’s producers might just possibly monkey around with partner selection and dance selection as they see fit. (I snark about non-random dance selection as much as anybody else, but if they say the dances are randomly assigned, they’re either assigning them purely randomly, or assigning them randomly and then offering a “trade” option of some sort that the dancers can take advantage of if they wish, or something along those lines.) It’s all about liability.

Seriously, it’s a multimillion dollar television franchise. They’re not gonna kill the cash cow with something that stupid.

Your judges tonight are Nigel, a surprisingly sane Mary, and a surprisingly non-bitchy Mia Michaels.

Carla and Turk Jeanette and Brandon: cha-cha. I got home a bit late and missed this, which was annoying for me. But everybody says it was really good and frankly I think it takes a freight train at this point to keep Jeanette and Brandon out of the top 10, so I figure they’re safe.

Kayla and Kupono: contemporary. The judges raved about this – they were in a really good mood all night – but honestly, it left me cold. Technically excellent, to be sure, but I didn’t get any feeling of connection between the two of them and Sonya’s “this is about a vampire and a dying girl” theme didn’t come through for me in the dancing at all. Kayla and Kupono are rapidly becoming two of my least favourite dancers on this show. (Which doesn’t make them bad. But I’m never excited to see them dance.)

Randi and Evan: Broadway. It’s refreshing to see a Broadway piece done by someone other than Tasty Oreo, but this felt awfully lacklustre – again, the judges were overgenerous – and given that Randi and Evan have been probably one of the least challenged couples on this show (a jazz dance, a jazzy contemporary piece, a Broadway, and a jive which was mediocre) it can only come as a disappointment. Which is a shame, because it was clear from the choreo that Joni whatsername had some really great ideas that Randi and Evan just didn’t execute.

Caitlyn and Jason: pop/jazz. Brian Friedman earns my admiration for choreographing pieces that aren’t about Boy And Girl In Love. Nigel earns my scorn for complaining that Caitlyn was overclothed – yeesh, Nigel, ease up on your dirty old man vibe for once, willya? Caitlyn and Jason did well enough here to potentially avoid bottom three – at least technically, I think their connection as a couple still isn’t there – but it was a strong week and they didn’t stand out enough to erase their previous lack of karma, so I think “potentially” isn’t good enough this week to actually manage the avoidance they want.

Jeanine and Philipchbeeb: hip-hop. Someone else somewhere on the internet called Napoleon and Tabitha’s choreo “contemporary with chest pumps,” and this was a good example of how their work can devolve that way; the actual choreo was lacklustre (and the idea of the chain was just stupid, nothing short of active sabotage towards the dancers and distracting to boot) and it relied on Philipchbeeb and Jeanine killing their hits to make it acceptable (and this week she was nearly as good as he was; I suspect he has been training her, and she him). This was fine and should keep them safe.

ASIDE: I am getting really sick of the contempo-snobs on the Television Without Pity forums complaining that it is “time for Philip to go” when he’s been in three good-to-great routines, which at a minimum outpaces Kupono, Vitolio and Jason (none of whom, incidentally, have even half of Philipchbeeb’s charm and performance quality), and when he is the only non-classically-trained male dancer left on the goddamned show (and one of only two left on the entire program). He’s danced out of his wheelhouse twice and had one solid outing and one bad miss, which is about par for most of the dancers on the show (other than Brandon and Jeanette, who have barely danced in their own styles and have been murdering everything in sight). So shut up, TWOP forum people.

Melissa and Ade: pas de deux. Wow, this sure was a good way to completely destroy whatever illusion was left that the routines aren’t pre-selected for dancers. But it was very nice. Ade wasn’t quite as solid as the judges claimed, but he was good enough, and of course Melissa was excellent what with actually being a ballerina and all. (While we are discussing dancers working out-of-style: Melissa and Ade have only left their comfort zone once, for a rumba which, while excellent, was hardly a staggering digression from their classically trained background like salsa or quickstep would have been.)

Karla and Vitolio: quickstep. The judges bent over backwards to pretend that this was great. It was at best okay. Vitolio’s footwork, particularly in some of the promenades, was laboured; Karla’s parts when she wasn’t dancing in hold were overly jazzy; and both dancers just generally lacked that lovely dreamy bounce quality that good quickstep has. The two of them have good chemistry and probably would have made a better pairing right from the start, as opposed to their mostly dead-wood partners; unfortunately I think the new pairing is a case of too little too late.

Probable bottom three: Karla and Vitolio, Jason and Caitlyn, Randi and Evan.
Should go home: Karla and Vitolio.
Will go home: Karla and Jason.

A few comments from yesterday’s general blogrequest post were Canada-themed and today is Canada Day and all, so it seems appropriate.

Lurkerwithout: Why people who call Canada “socialist” are, you know, stupid

Well, they’re kind of not entirely wrong. They’re wrong to directly equate socialism with communism, which they do all the time. But the modern point of balance of government is between socialist impulses and capitalistic ones, and Canadian society is certainly more socialist than the United States is. (Then again, most of the first world is more socialist than the United States is, but that is neither here nor there.)

But it is important to point out that officially, Canadian corporate tax rates are lower than American corporate tax rates. (Of course, unofficially there are so many loopholes in the American tax code that American-based corporations effectively pay barely any tax or often no tax at all.) The tax expense of being a Canadian citizen is not staggeringly higher than that of being an American citizen, and when you take into account that our taxes pay for most of our healthcare it’s probably about even.

But the counterpoint to the actual monetary argument is one of people’s attitude towards government. Canadians may gripe, but in the end we genuinely like government services and there is a general cultural attitude of being willing to pay taxes for those government services. Certainly we’d like to pay less, generally speaking, but there’s a difference between wanting to save money and the American anti-tax attitude that treats taxation as nothing more than theft.

So there’s that.

Canadave: I’d be interested to know what you think Canadian TV needs to do to in order to become\stay interesting and\or relevant.

Honestly, this is kind of a gimme question, because right now I think Canadian teevee is mostly already doing the right things: creating lower-than-American-budget television shows with pre-guaranteed markets (Canadian and American networks) that are of decent quality. I may not like The Listener or Flashpoint, but that’s because I watched them and decided they were just not my thing; it wasn’t because they were bad shows.

Would it be better if the Canadian television industry wasn’t one that over-relied on simulcasts of American shows with Canadian commercials and re-airs of old American content? Yes, undeniably. It wouldn’t be hard, either. Just limit a channel to, oh, fifteen hours a week of prime-time American shows. Even in the heyday of the old traditional “fall season” format of television, this would have only amounted to nine hours of Canadian shows in prime-time per week, which isn’t onerous to achieve (and a fifteen hour cap would have let Canadian networks air all of their most popular American shows, easy – you miss out on re-airing According to Jim, oh darn).

But given the refusal of the CRTC to make Canadian networks do anything that might make them cry bitter tears, I think things are about as good as they can be right now.

Bunnyofdoom: Your thoughts/feelings on being Canadian and what it means to you, and/or your idea of what Canadian Identity is.

You know, it’s funny, because whenever somebody asks me this question I always think of that episode of Friends where Phoebe is blathering on about past lives, and Joey gets worried because he thinks he doesn’t have one, so she responds, “Oh no, sweetie! You’re brand new!” Which is weird both because Canada is 140ish years old now and because I’m flashing to friggin’ Lisa Kudrow on a question about Canadian identity, but nobody ever claimed that I don’t have issues.

But I think of that because Canadians don’t have an identity in the way that the French do, for example. “Polite, friendly and considerate” is a nice stereotype to have, I suppose, but A) it’s a little overblown and B) just about everybody is polite and friendly.1 Germans might be humourless, but they’re polite and friendly about not laughing at your jokes. Italians might sleep with your wife, but they will be polite and friendly about it. And so forth.

We’re still a young country, and unlike America, which was born in the sort of circumstance which immediately invents a national character, we were essentially created out of compromise and convenience. “Polite and friendly” is the sort of stereotype that gets invented in the absence of a national character. It’s like a default precisely because it’s so bland and inoffensive.

So we’re essentially a country in search of a national character. There are some appealing options beyond “we like hockey,” and one of the reasons I’m a member of the New Democrats (much as it pains me to admit it) is that I think the NDP provide the best opportunity to expand upon our instinctive search for a national character in ways that I approve of. (The Tories have their own ideas, which I disagree with. The Liberals like bland and inoffensive.)

1. Except the French, and possibly the Koreans. [↩]

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

LIKED

– Detective Comics featuring Batwoman was as good as everybody says it is, and frankly, given that it’s stupid boring sucky Batwoman, this is nothing short of a miracle even though Greg Rucka and J.H. Williams are the ones doing it. (Let me put it this way: regardless of how good a filmmaker Steven Spielberg might be, I would stll be skeptical if he said he was going to make a children’s adventure film about Benito Mussolini.) The Question backup feature is the first one of these backups that has really genuinely impressed. (The Blue Beetle one in Booster Gold was inconsequential fun and little more; the Renee story has meat to it.)

– The Philanthropist shouldn’t work – I mean, come on, the adventures of a billionaire? – but it does. A friend of mine called it “kind of like Iron Man without the armor,” and that’s pretty accurate. James Purefoy is really good in it, too, combining that Stark-like mix of insouciance, hedonism, stubbornness and genuine idealism to create a genuinely engaging lead character. Dunno if it can keep it up, but the pilot was a lot of fun.

DIDN’T LIKE

– Gotham City Sirens is crap. You know, for all the flak Marvel is (rightly) taking over their horribly sexist, amazingly tone-deaf comics like Marvel Divas and Models Inc., it’s worth remembering that DC is really only marginally better in this regard and is just as willing to shove out blatant T&A like this book, which is little more than an excuse to draw Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn and Catwoman in a variety of anatomically impossible “sexy” poses. (Additional note: I am really, really sick of hack writers coming up with a stupid villain concept and then telling the reader “hey this guy is stupid” and having everybody in the book beat him with ease. Remember back in the day when Spider-Man would fight a new villain every issue? Sure, some of them were silly in retrospect, but the writers back then made sure Spidey took every one of them damn seriously. Actually, one of the good things about the new “He’s Single And A Loser So He’s Spider-Man Again Just Like When I Was Six!” run is that they treat their new villains, even the ridiculous ones, as genuine threats.)

– I probably should have known better than to go see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, but what are you gonna do when your date says she wants to see big robots fighting one another? (Answer: you go see the movie. It is possible some of you might not have known this. This is a basic truth regardless of the gender of you or your date.) Anyway, yes, it is as shit-awful as you might think. Michael Bay still thinks the mere utterance of a profanity constitutes a punchline. Michael Bay still doesn’t know how to make a fight scene between giant robots – something which should practically direct itself – visually coherent or interesting. Michael Bay still doesn’t know how to set up plot elements effectively or indeed tell a story. And really, saying “still doesn’t” isn’t entirely accurate, because in the last five years Michael Bay has made at least one genuinely entertaining film (The Island, which didn’t do well because the public is essentially stupid), so we know that he has some understanding of story; it’s just that when he makes a Transformers movie, he knows he doesn’t have to bother being good because, as the opening weekend revenues demonstrate, people will eat that shit up regardless of how shit the shit is.

Top comment: I think the best point in RotF was when John Turturro was lecturing the old robot about structuring his stories. — enlight_bystand

Your guest judge this week is Toni Basil, apparently because the producers felt the need to re-inflict upon us the worst guest judge ever.

Karla and Jonathan: hip-hop. I’m generally a big fan of Dave Scott’s choreography and I think I would have liked this routine if it wasn’t danced for crap: Jonathan was absolutely terrible in this, dancing what is quite possibly the whitest hip-hop on SYTYCD pretty much ever. Karla was much better, but unfortunately I don’t think she lived up to the standard of “oh hi I am a member of a top-flight hip-hop crew incidentally.” Jonathan was so painfully bad in this he made Karla look bad.

Asuka and Vitolio: jazz. Mandy Moore continues her endless quest to choreograph every single song that played at her high school prom with a lifeless, floppy, slow bland number that was just utter dogshit. Worse, it was utter dogshit that wasn’t danced very well by Asuka: her extensions on her leaps were painful to watch. Vitolio was better. That is all I have to say about this piece, which was terrible and worse forgettably terrible.

Melissa and Ade: rumba. Man, Ade was just on form tonight: he partnered Melissa very well indeed, pulling off the oft-difficult rumba combination of being both sensual and damn manly at the same time. Melissa was solid, although her hands were definitely in the crabby-hand mold that can distract sometimes. They bobbled one move (that slow assisted spin into the wrap) a little bit, but other than that this was pretty strong. They should be safe.

Carla and Turk Janette and Brandon: hip-hop. Brandon danced the motherfucking shit out of this. Seriously, Brandon hasn’t danced in his style once yet so far and he’s just nailing everything they give him. Janette was solid as well; not on Brandon’s level, but definitely at least coming up to meet him towards the end. It’s kind of depressing that this is only the second watchable hip-hop routine of the season when we’ve had six of them so far, but if nothing else this was definitely a highlight of the entire season.

Kayla and Kupono: Viennese waltz. Jean-Marc Genereaux excels at creating waltzes where the actual waltzing can be disguised under a layer of lyrical movement, and this was no exception. During the rare moments in the routine where Kayla and Kupono actually had to, you know, waltz, they were exposed for the non-ballroomers they were. But the sweeping lifts and poses that Jean-Marc put in to hide their mediocre waltzing more or less covered their asses. Reminiscent of the Kherington/Twitch waltz from last season, albeit not as good – Twitch was much better at partnering than Kupono is and it showed tonight. Even so, watchable.

Randi and Evan: contemporary. Mia Michaels dialing it down? What is happening to the world? Maybe this is Mia reacting to all the other choreographers doing more complex routines. “If they will do complex then I will do simple! I am MIA MICHAELS dammit!” But yeah, her Randi’s Ass Dance was charming and clever and entertaining and memorable in ways that a lot of her routines last season weren’t, and Evan and Randi danced it very well. Back to basics Mia: me like. (Also, Nigel deciding that the routine was about “an old man and a beautiful girl” is all sorts of friggin’ creepy. Don’t project your pathetic inner fantasy life onto the dancers, Nigel. Or at least don’t tell us that you’re doing that.)

Caitlyn and Jason: paso doble. This was all kinds of bad. Jason’s posture was much weaker than Mary allowed for, and worse yet he wasn’t even forceful. When he opened his mouth for those supposedly dramatic silent screams, he looked like somebody had stepped on his foot. Caitlyn was clumsy and totally lacking character and about as sultry as Betty White in a chador. Mary Murphy felt the need to reference their Bollywood routine again to explain how good they really were. Dear Mary: the Bollywood was only moderately good at best, and also it was two weeks ago. Get the fuck over it already. We do not need Bollywood to become the new Broadway.

Jeanine and Philipchbeeb: Broadway. Oh shit I said “Broadway” and then Tasty Oreo appeared! HE IS LIKE CANDYMAN! But now that I’ve said that I will retract my usual dislike of Tasty Oreo’s Broadway, because this routine was not his usual “How To Rip Off Bob Fosse In Thirty Seconds” junk but actually a pretty decent Gene Kelly homage. I think Philipchbeeb was poorly done by the introduction piece, because that “oh shit” jump (and it was definitely an “oh shit” jump) gets a little less impressive when you take out the surprise value and just make it about whether or not he can do it. Philipchbeeb also danced this far more acceptably than the judges gave him credit for doing; certainly he wasn’t as fluid as the jazzy style demands, but he adapted to this much better than anybody except Brandon and Jeanette did to hip-hop so far. Jeanine was excellent and I have no complaints, other than to point out that she did not look like “Betty Grable” but rather Bettie Page.

Bottom three predictions: Karla and Jonathan, Asuka and Vitolio, Caitlyn and Jason.
Should go home: Caitlyn and Jonathan.
Will go home: Karla and Jonathan.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

LIKED

– Bloody Confused! by Chuck Culpepper is a great little piece of sportswriting – a journey alongside Culpepper during his time in England as he lives there for a few years and, being a sports fan generally, settles in and picks a football team to cheer for (in his case, Portsmouth), and in the process discovers why he likes sports. It’s engaging and intelligent and is readable both for the fan (for whom it will illuminate many of the reasons non-soccer fans have trouble understanding or appreciating the game, and how to get past those issues), and the nonfan (for whom it will illuminate both the joy of being a fan generally and the joy of being a soccer fan particularly).

– Punisher #6 is actually the execution of a pretty good idea: namely, bringing back everybody Scourge ever killed from the dead, and siccing them on somebody. That it is the Hood siccing them on the Punisher just makes it even better, because the motivations all make sense (the Hood wants a no-cost plan to kill or at least inconvenience the Punisher, the villains want to not go back to being dead once the spell runs out, and the Punisher wants what he always wants). All this, plus the return of Death Adder (probably one of the coolest minor Marvel villains ever), and hopefully the promise of getting, however briefly, into the mind of Turner D. Century.

– Caught up (finally) on the back end of Friday Night Lights‘ third season, and oh man does this show ever get bad? Other than last season’s “Tyra and Landry kill a guy” plot (which was dealt with in a mature enough fashion that its sensationalism was forgiveable), this show just doesn’t make missteps, not ever. Plus this is the first season where they’ve actually had enough stability to set up the fourth season, with a brilliant hook (forcing Coach to take over the just-reopened decrepit poor high school’s football team and letting the uber-successful Dillon Panthers now be the nemesis rather than the scrappy underdog). With the show’s cast set to change drastically next season (only Matt and Julie of the kids set to stick around, and one hopes that Matt Saracen will finally for once in his damn life catch a fucking break and pull a Smash by the fourth episode or something) the show needed exactly this sort of tactic to remain the powerhouse that it is.

DIDN’T LIKE

– Dance of the Dead turns out to be a real disappointment, a movie that can’t decide if it’s a zombie comedy movie or a zombie parody movie and by extension mostly fails at both. It’s not funny. It’s not clever. It’s not even internally consistent. (This is a movie that seemingly can’t decide between “slow zombies” and “fast zombies,” instead going with the truly retarded decision of “both.”) Large chunks of it are really stupid. Large chunks of it are really predictable. Practically none of it is entertaining. And the obvious societal commentary that could be done with zombies plus prom is almost completely ignored. I know this was a low-budget movie, but you don’t need a high budget to make a good zombie movie – that’s one of the plusses of the genre, for crissake.

– You know, I’ve often said that Padma Lakshmi, the host of Top Chef, is a wooden self-important she-jackal. And this is true. But Kelly Choi, host of Top Chef Masters, makes Padma Lakshmi look like Julia fucking Child.

– Maksim instead of Kupono? Really, Nigel? (And you know this comes down to Nigel.) Are you trying to utterly invalidate the entire concept of dancing for your life? Because when Kupono A) dances like shit in his competitive dance and then B) pulls out a crappy, distracted solo, while Max A) dances well in his competitive dance and then B) nails his solo, your preferences become obvious. Yes, Max looks like a Russian mobster, but that’s not his fault. He is Russian, after all. (And now, lay odds on the new Kupono/Kayla pairing to get a contemporary routine next week so Kayla, obviously one of Nigel’s favorites, can make top ten.) Also, Ashley danced better than Kaitlyn did and similarly should not have gone, but they were both chaff anyway so it’s more forgivable.

Lights! Flashing! Mary Murphy screams again! Cat Deeley wears a spectacularly ugly dress! Li’l C is the guest judge and his metaphors are off the hook, y’all!

Randi and Evan: jive. First off, I think we all owe Alex da Silva a big thank you for getting indicted for statutory rape so that Louis van Amstel can take over as the new lead ballroom choreographer on the show, because jeez talk about an upgrade. (But seriously, Alex da Silva is a terrible human being and a mediocre choreographer to boot.) That having been said, this was an extremely soft jive and jive should not be soft. It felt like a jazz piece, which, given that we have two jazz dancers here, is not surprising. Evan and Randi were very charming, though, so they managed to pull off a decent personality-based routine mostly on being engaging and enthusiastic.

Melissa and Ade: jazz. Hey, did you know that Sonya Tayeh is weird? She’s weird, you know. Weird and eccentric. I know this because they keep telling me that. Over and over again. Anyway, this was good, although I felt Melissa was at times ballerina-light-stepping a bit through the routine. These two should be safe, but for some reason I don’t think they will be.

Kaitlyn and Jason: hip-hop. I love Shane Sparks’ choreo, but the execution here was mediocre. Mary Murphy was clearly watching last week’s Bollywood performance in an alternate universe because their unison last week was a joke, not “dead on.” This week’s unison was similarly bad, but this time it was Jason who was on beat and Kaitlyn who was way off. Jason hit his beats cleanly and sharply, like you’re supposed to do in a hip-hop piece, and basically got called out for being better than his partner. Kaitlyn’s limitations are showing up quickly.

Carla and Turk Jeanette and Brandon: disco. Not the worst Doriana Sanchez number ever, but nowhere near the best disco on this show; the routine was so frenetic that at times it seemed desperate. But the lifts weren’t too forced by Doriana standards, and there was an acceptable amount of cheese, and Jeanette and Brandon danced it quite well for the most part – which given its obvious level of difficulty is impressive.

Asuka and Vitolio: Viennese waltz. After some crap about how he wants to tell a story about Vitolio’s hard life, Louis van Amstel apparently said “hell with it” and just went for a sweeping waltz. Which is fine. Vitolio’s carriage in this was pretty bad (Nigel likes to use the word “lines” to describe how male dancers hold their arms, but there’s more to lines than just arms), but his performance quality was excellent. Asuka was very strong in all respects. Should get them out of bottom three; this was sweeping and magnificent, Vitolio’s carriage aside (and that was ignorable).

Kayla and Max: pop/jazz. So nice to see Brian Friedman back on the show; I’ve enjoyed his previous routines and he’s always good for something that’s kind of dirty and nasty fun. This was no exception. Kayla is getting pimped to the moon by the judges for performances that, while good, are not the psycho-awesomeness they claim them to be. Max was much, much better than I expected him to be, and hit his moves very cleanly and sharply; I’d like to see what his hip-hop is like. These two are probably the early frontrunners.

Karla and Jonathan: contemporary. Hooray, Stacey Tookey gets called up to the big leagues! And her choreography on this piece was just excellent, definitely a head above a lot of the average contemporary choreo on SYTYCD. Jonathan and Karla danced it acceptably-to-good; I wouldn’t say “great,” I think they did well enough and the choreo was excellent. Mary saying that Jonathan was better at this than he was at his own style is not shocking because Jonathan is a really mediocre Latin dancer. Might help them avoid bottom three if damage has not been done too early.

Jeanine and Philipchbeeb: tango. Ouch. See, this was in one sense comparable to the Asuka/Vitolio waltz from earlier in that the technique for one partner (Philipchbeeb) was bad and it needed emotional performance to save it, but unlike Vitolio, Philipchbeeb was clearly nervous as all get out and couldn’t concentrate on his excellent chemistry with Jeanine. There were flashes of it, but nothing sustained. On the bright side (if you like Philipchbeeb), this was probably the single worst thing he could have drawn; tango is probably the most difficult ballroom dance for a novice (with the exceptions of quickstep and possibly foxtrot, and I think Philipchbeeb would have had an easier time with the quick movements of quickstep than with the slow, sultry ones of tango). Jeanine was very decent, though, and impressed me. Of course, I think they’re safe, because Nigel basically bent over backwards giving the audience permission to vote for a bad performance and even if they don’t get the votes no way will they get eliminated by the judges.

Ashley and Kupono: hip-hop. This was bad, bad, bad. Not one of Shane Sparks’ best routines (he had a good idea with the “shadow” theme and then abandoned it halfway through), but Kupono and Ashley were just not very good. Ashley was a bit better than Kupono but not by much – however, she didn’t look as outright lost as Kupono did. Remember how I said a few weeks back that we were in for a lackadaisical season of hip-hop at best? This is what I was talking about: a bunch of contemporary dancers who can’t do anything but dance soft, limpid hip-hop. Speaking of which, Nigel has to shut the fuck up about how much SYTYCD has done for hip-hop, which is actively delusional. Tabitha and Napoleon making hip-hop palatable to middle America is not particularly an accomplishment.

Predictions for bottom three: Ashley and Kupono, Kaitlyn and Jason, Melissa and Ade.
Should go home: Kaitlyn and Kupono.
Will go home: Kaitlyn and Jason.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

LIKED

– The Hangover justifies the hype; it is bust-a-gut funny and often, for a comedy where a guy humps a tiger, wickedly smart. If you had told me a couple of years ago that Bradley Cooper would finally make the jump to true stardom in a comedy where the funniest bits all go to Zach Galifianakis, I would probably have looked at you funny and said “how does that go again?” But it’s true, because Cooper is obviously the leading man in this movie and Galifianakis and Ed Helms are his support.

– President’s Choice makes passionfruit (and diet passionfruit) pop now? I sometimes think there is a little room at President’s Choice headquarters where there’s this one guy whose sole job is coming up with new flavors of pop. (I mean, it would explain the lychee soda they introduced last year.) But the passionfruit is easily their best entry since blackcurrant a couple of years ago (and why did they discontinue blackcurrant)?

– Holy shit, The Brothers Bloom is staggeringly good. Clever, funny, charming (even if I didn’t already have a massive crush on Rachel Weisz I would have one now), and it has plot twists that you genuinely sometimes do not see coming, which is all too rare in modern moviegoing these days. Terrific performances, dialogue, visual conception, everything. It is hard to explain how amazingly good this movie is.

– Okay, I’ll admit it: Wipeout is a guilty pleasure. The jokes have gotten better since last year (not much better, but still), and the obstacles have gotten more clever. It’s still television gone stupid, but it’s good for a laugh.

DID NOT LIKE

– Flash: Rebirth reads like Geoff Johns trying out his greatest hits album on repeat. “Hey, Green Lantern Flash is back from the dead but there’s a problem and also Sinestro Professor Zoom is not, in fact, dead but actually behind a lot of the new problems that Hal Barry face, plus everybody else who was ever a Green Lantern Flash gets to look vaguely incompetent as well.” Beyond a nice, brief interaction with Superman, this is almost more offensive than Ultimatum due to sheer badness.