FLAPJACKS: I didn’t know Brendan Fraser competed at the Olympic level of killing mummies. Things you learn!
ME: Killing mummy. He only killed one mummy. Didn’t you watch the trailer?
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but he killed the same mummy twice. Like, once in 1928 in Amsterdam, and then he killed the mummy again in 1936 in Berlin. It was a major victory for Canada at the time, as we did not win many gold medals in those days.
ME: Of course people gave all the credit to John Hannah and chalked it up as a British medal by proxy, but we know now that John Hannah is a coward and that Brendan Fraser did all the real work.
FLAPJACKS: Still, we can’t ignore the fact that John Hannah was an early hero for gay athletics, as his lover Garath would attest.
ME: Interestingly, Brendan Fraser’s 1936 victories caused a major international rift because Hitler was determined to see Germany walk away with the gold medal for mummy-killing that year.
FLAPJACKS: He later claimed that Brendan Fraser was the crux of an insidious Jewish plot against the German people.
ME: Is Brendan Fraser Jewish?
FLAPJACKS: He was in School Ties. And what’s more, in that he was secretly Jewish.
ME: I never would have dreamt that Brendan Fraser would be part of the international Zionist conspiracy.
FLAPJACKS: They’re sneaky.
ME: All that having been said, I’m glad to see that the Beijing Olympics will reintroduce amateur mummy-killing to the highest level of competition.
FLAPJACKS: The five-hundred metre stealing of the canopic jars!
ME: Freestyle zombie decapitation!
FLAPJACKS: And of course the mummathlon, featuring shooting uselessly at the undead, flying a plane through a dust storm, driving through a crowded street without running anybody over, quipping, ancient-style swordfighting, and having your child age more rapidly than they should.
ME: The official motto of the International Mummathlete’s Association is “If you compete in any other sport, you’re a pussy.”
FLAPJACKS: Although it appears a lot of this year’s athletes are cross-training with mummathletes this year.
ME: Given how they’re exploding out of sand, I think they’re actually cross-training with mummies.
FLAPJACKS: Oooooh, the IOCC isn’t going to like that at all!
ME: Why not?
FLAPJACKS: Remember how hard they came down on steroids?
ME: …you mean pretending that steroids didn’t exist for decades, then doing an abrupt about-face and deciding they were the worst thing ever once their use became too prevalent to ignore?
FLAPJACKS: Exactly! The mummies have been behind the scenes since the 2000 Olympics in Sydney.
ME: You know, I thought it looked suspicious when Alonzo Mourning opened his mouth crazy-wide and vomited a torrent of bugs at the Angolan centre in that basketball game, but the commentators said it was perfectly normal, and I don’t watch basketball regularly, so I figured it was just a normal sort of a basketball thing.
FLAPJACKS: Right. Anyway, this is all part of the Chinese Olympic mummy conspiracy –
ME: Wait, another conspiracy?
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: This is different from the Jewish conspiracy, then.
FLAPJACKS: Don’t be silly, there aren’t any such things as Jewish mummies. Remember, mummies regard Jews as only fit to be slave fodder. Didn’t you watch the first movie?
ME: I see. Please continue.
FLAPJACKS: As I was saying, since Brendan Fraser killed all the Egyptian mummies, that leaves the Chinese mummies as the only mummies left to influence international Olympic competition. So the Chinese mummies have been “helping” athletes all along, either for money or, more nefariously, for patriotic reasons.
ME: So you’re saying that the Chinese mummies will stop helping athletes from other countries, and only assist Chinese athletes in the 2008 Olympics, thus leading to an unprecedented show of Chinese athletic superiority, which the Central Committee will then use for a propaganda coup?
FLAPJACKS: Exactly! Unless midway through the IOCC decides to crack down on mummy use finally.
ME: But how does the IOCC stop the mummies from, like, eating them and stuff?
FLAPJACKS: That’s what Brendan Fraser is for.
ME: And that, in turn, gives the Jewish people their long-awaited revenge on the mummies for enslaving them!
FLAPJACKS: There are so many levels to this thing it is scary.
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You know what, there are no Chinese mummies. I thought it sounded stupid when I saw the trailer, but since I’m a huge Jet Li fan I went and saw it anyway, and you know what? There really AREN’T ANY CHINESE MUMMIES. Even in the movie itself, the undead Chinese emperor is clearly not a mummy, and the terracotta army consists of clay soldiers (i.e. not mummies), and yet Brendan Fraser and his crew call them mummies the whole time. They’re really not very good Egyptologists. You would think “Mummy vs. Not Mummy” would be covered in the first week of Egyptology 101.
The reason the kid grows up so quickly was explained in the Mummy animated series. He’s got magical powers.
As for no mummies in China? Wrong. I have seen several specials on the mummies of China and there are several books on the subject.
http://library.thinkquest.org/J003409/china.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarim_mummies
And are we forgetting the various mummies discovered in other countries??? The bog mummies of several European countries, The Chinchorro mummies of South America, there’s also been many found in North America (there’s a Mummified Cowboy on display at the Oddities Museum in Seattle). Nearly every continent has mummies so it’s not just Egypt.
Dierna: Brendan Fraser killed all those other mummies too, as will be detailed in direct-to-DVD movies over the next ten years.
Y’know, I always feel kinda silly admitting this, but I really love the first two Mummy movies. The primary actors are uniformly charismatic, the plots are kinda sprawling but fairly well-paced, and the CGI actually holds up. I admit, the first movie came out when I was under 10, but even now I love just sitting down to watch Fraser get beaten up by Arnold Vosloo.
*Even though the second committed one of my cardinal sins of filmmaking: god DAMNIT, people, Anubis is NOT evil! Nor is he the God of the Dead! If you’re gonna spend that much effort making a film involving an Egyptian god, can you at least go with one of the actually malevolent ones?
Don’t be silly, there aren’t any such things as Jewish mummies.
It’s true. Jews are more like zombies (but there are some differences).
Dierna: There may be mummies from other places than ancient Egypt, but there sure weren’t any in this movie. Clay monster =/= mummy.
Bird & Flapjacks Reveal the Secret Mysteries of the Universe should be a thing. A weekly thing. With fireworks…
Bah,
Anubis not evil?? Of course he’s evil!! He’s a partially ascended gu’aold!! He’s like pure evil!
As for him not being a god of the dead. He’s considered to be a lesser god of the underworld by some. He’s a protector of lost souls/orphans. Altho the greeks ended up making him a version of Hermes/Mercury with the guardian of the souls thing. Hermanubis… *lmao*
It’s too bad Rachel Weisz pulled that ankle in the preliminary trials, though. I’m sure Maria Bello will acquit herself admirably but it always hurts to break up a winning team.
Diema:
Yeah, he’s definitely a god of the underworld. I just don’t consider “God of embalming” quite equivalent to “God of the dead,” especially when you’ve already got a quite acceptable God of the Dead already. I mean, no, Osiris doesn’t have the cool jackal head… nor does he have certain *other* important characteristics… but… OK, he’s really kinda dull compared to Anubis. Still…
if the Mummathalon were a broadcast event, I’d actually be interested in the Olympics.
stupid FCC.
I gotta know, are you transcribing these conversations from memory or have you got something handy to record this stuff whenever it gets bloggable? Either way, please don’t stop. 😀
I also can’t believe that one of Brendan Fraser’s most impressive accomplishments from “The Mummy Returns” was overlooked here. That it was left out of the mummathlon is a travesty, in my view. As a suitably impressed Roger Ebert wrote in 2001:
I have written before of the ability of movie characters to outrun fireballs. In “The Mummy Returns,” there is a more amazing feat. If the rising sun touches little Alex while he is wearing the magical bracelet, he will die (it is written). But Rick, carrying Alex in his arms, is able to outrace the sunrise; we see the line of sunlight moving on the ground right behind them. It is written by Eratosthenes that the Earth is about 25,000 miles around, and since there are 24 hours in a day, Rick was running approximately 1,041 miles an hour.
Yeah, I must also know what Rob Brown must know… I also am curious as to how quickly the dialogue moves, because I’ve seen similar, but it usually involves some dead air in the places where the greatest leaps occur.
The other day I almost posted a humourless ponder that the Chinese might be offended by this film. But I decided not to bother as that would be too humourless and po faced on an amusing entry. Then I made the mistake of reading some of the YouTube comments under the BBC’s animated short promoting the Olympic Games, I know internet people are internet people the world over, but if they’re representative of the general mood on the street then the entiere nation is switched to “prickly and oversensitive” mode at the moment.
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