The Canadian judicial system is held in high esteem for its fairness and dedication to good justice. Other countries often look to our judiciary, particularly our Supreme Court, and wonder what the secret of good Canadian jurisprudence is.
It is really quite simple. One of the strictest requirements for membership in the Supreme Court of Canada is that you must be a direct blood descendant of Santa Claus.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But isn’t this a horribly elitist standard? How many direct descendants of Santa Claus can there be?” However, you would be greatly surprised. Much as eleven percent of the world’s population can claim blood descent from Genghis Khan, about five and three-quarters percent can claim blood descent from Santa Claus. You see, on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus does not just visit every house in the world, eating milk and cookies, and leaving toys. He also has a great deal of sex.
Now, one might reasonably ask why Genghis Khan has nearly double the number of blood descendants that Santa Claus does, considering that Santa Claus is immortal and Genghis Khan died the better part of a millennium ago. The answer is simple: with the exception of certain Northern countries, Santa only gets his freak with anonymous lady strangers one night per year. Furthermore, Genghis Khan received a bit of an advantage in the genetic-spread competition by committing a lot of rape, whereas Santa, being an embodiment of good things upon this earth, only has sex with consenting partners.
Now, the five-and-three-quarters percentage is much higher in Canada (and also Alaska, Iceland, the Nordic countries, and the Baltics – but, strangely, not Russia) because its proximity to the North Pole makes it easier for randy old Saint Nick to go out and get some action on nights other than Christmas Eve. Indeed, almost eighty percent of Canada’s population can trace blood lineage back to Santa at some point in their genealogy, so the requirement of a blood tie to him is not horribly onerous to achieve membership upon the Supreme Court, and it is because of this that Canada has the holliest-jolliest high court in the entire world.