ME: So here we are at the local McDonald’s.
FLAPJACKS: Yes. I look forward to eating these brand new Angus Burgers ™ which are the glorious triumph of McDonald’s new menu.
ME: Wonderfully summed up.
FLAPJACKS: It’s almost as if I have prepared a statement in advance for transcription onto your website.
ME: You always complain about the website. Luddite.
FLAPJACKS: You never capture my good side.
ME: Whatever. So, let us eat these Angus Burgers ™.
FLAPJACKS: Which we only bought because we had a two-for-one coupon.
ME: Otherwise, for the cost, you’d be better off going to a local diner and getting them to make you a burger.
FLAPJACKS: Although we should note that beef is bad for the environment and you should get a turkey burger or a giant mushroom patty or something.
ME: People are looking at us funny now. You shouldn’t have said that so loudly.
FLAPJACKS: All this meta-awareness makes things very difficult!
Burgers are chewed thoughtfully.
ME: Well. This is…
ME: The bun is nice.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, because when you order a hamburger, you really think, “hey, you know what matters? The quality of the bun.”
ME: You know what a burger without a bun is? Salisbury steak. You know what Salisbury steak is? A trick played on poor people.
FLAPJACKS: So is McDonald’s when you think about it.
ME: Point. But I think we’re getting away from the topic at hand.
FLAPJACKS: Yes. These burgers.
ME: It’s not bad, I guess.
FLAPJACKS: Well, speaking as a connoisseur of beef – don’t laugh – if you hadn’t informed me ahead of time that this was Angus beef, I wouldn’t have guessed.
ME: How does Angus beef differ from regular beef?
FLAPJACKS: It is beefier.
ME: Well, I certainly grant that this isn’t as good as a burger at a “quality” microchain like Hero or Licks. But it is definitely a burger, unlike, for example, a standard McDonald’s burgeresque sandwich.
FLAPJACKS: I can point at this and say “yep, that’s a burger.”
FLAPJACKS: But I feel kind of bad awarding McDonald’s points for tolerability. My food reviewing skills are not like the Special Olympics. This burger is not a winner.
ME: You know what it reminds me of? The Arch Deluxe.
FLAPJACKS: Oh, that isn’t fair. The Arch Deluxe was the same old shit, except McDonald’s went out of its way to pretend that it was special and new. This burger, in comparison, is genuinely different from standard McDonald’s food. The patty is different, the bun is different, even the onion is different.
ME: Yes, but it’s still not very good.
FLAPJACKS: But it’s differently not very good.
ME: All right. So is that our conclusion? That the Angus Burger ™ from McDonald’s is pretty mediocre and it’s not worth buying?
FLAPJACKS: Yes – man, the manager doesn’t look happy.
ME: It’s probably because we’ve been saying all this out loud.
FLAPJACKS: I feel kind of stupid saying “tee-ehm” out loud, incidentally.