FLAPJACKS: I didn’t know Brendan Fraser competed at the Olympic level of killing mummies. Things you learn!
ME: Killing mummy. He only killed one mummy. Didn’t you watch the trailer?
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but he killed the same mummy twice. Like, once in 1928 in Amsterdam, and then he killed the mummy again in 1936 in Berlin. It was a major victory for Canada at the time, as we did not win many gold medals in those days.
ME: Of course people gave all the credit to John Hannah and chalked it up as a British medal by proxy, but we know now that John Hannah is a coward and that Brendan Fraser did all the real work.
FLAPJACKS: Still, we can’t ignore the fact that John Hannah was an early hero for gay athletics, as his lover Garath would attest.
ME: Interestingly, Brendan Fraser’s 1936 victories caused a major international rift because Hitler was determined to see Germany walk away with the gold medal for mummy-killing that year.
FLAPJACKS: He later claimed that Brendan Fraser was the crux of an insidious Jewish plot against the German people.
ME: Is Brendan Fraser Jewish?
FLAPJACKS: He was in School Ties. And what’s more, in that he was secretly Jewish.
ME: I never would have dreamt that Brendan Fraser would be part of the international Zionist conspiracy.
FLAPJACKS: They’re sneaky.
ME: All that having been said, I’m glad to see that the Beijing Olympics will reintroduce amateur mummy-killing to the highest level of competition.
FLAPJACKS: The five-hundred metre stealing of the canopic jars!
ME: Freestyle zombie decapitation!
FLAPJACKS: And of course the mummathlon, featuring shooting uselessly at the undead, flying a plane through a dust storm, driving through a crowded street without running anybody over, quipping, ancient-style swordfighting, and having your child age more rapidly than they should.
ME: The official motto of the International Mummathlete’s Association is “If you compete in any other sport, you’re a pussy.”
FLAPJACKS: Although it appears a lot of this year’s athletes are cross-training with mummathletes this year.
ME: Given how they’re exploding out of sand, I think they’re actually cross-training with mummies.
FLAPJACKS: Oooooh, the IOCC isn’t going to like that at all!
ME: Why not?
FLAPJACKS: Remember how hard they came down on steroids?
ME: …you mean pretending that steroids didn’t exist for decades, then doing an abrupt about-face and deciding they were the worst thing ever once their use became too prevalent to ignore?
FLAPJACKS: Exactly! The mummies have been behind the scenes since the 2000 Olympics in Sydney.
ME: You know, I thought it looked suspicious when Alonzo Mourning opened his mouth crazy-wide and vomited a torrent of bugs at the Angolan centre in that basketball game, but the commentators said it was perfectly normal, and I don’t watch basketball regularly, so I figured it was just a normal sort of a basketball thing.
FLAPJACKS: Right. Anyway, this is all part of the Chinese Olympic mummy conspiracy –
ME: Wait, another conspiracy?
ME: This is different from the Jewish conspiracy, then.
FLAPJACKS: Don’t be silly, there aren’t any such things as Jewish mummies. Remember, mummies regard Jews as only fit to be slave fodder. Didn’t you watch the first movie?
ME: I see. Please continue.
FLAPJACKS: As I was saying, since Brendan Fraser killed all the Egyptian mummies, that leaves the Chinese mummies as the only mummies left to influence international Olympic competition. So the Chinese mummies have been “helping” athletes all along, either for money or, more nefariously, for patriotic reasons.
ME: So you’re saying that the Chinese mummies will stop helping athletes from other countries, and only assist Chinese athletes in the 2008 Olympics, thus leading to an unprecedented show of Chinese athletic superiority, which the Central Committee will then use for a propaganda coup?
FLAPJACKS: Exactly! Unless midway through the IOCC decides to crack down on mummy use finally.
ME: But how does the IOCC stop the mummies from, like, eating them and stuff?
FLAPJACKS: That’s what Brendan Fraser is for.
ME: And that, in turn, gives the Jewish people their long-awaited revenge on the mummies for enslaving them!
FLAPJACKS: There are so many levels to this thing it is scary.