ME: You know what I don’t get to say in daily life often enough? “Stat.”
FLAPJACKS: What, you mean like, “I need 20 CCs of moxydoggleflippadone, stat?”
FLAPJACKS: But I don’t see why would you want to say “stat” more often. Beyond the obvious, of course.
ME: Because it is like a magic word that gets things done.
FLAPJACKS: I am intrigued. Elaborate upon your thesis.
ME: If you begin a sentence with “I need” and then end it with “stat,” people will instinctively want to do what you need done. It doesn’t matter what it is. “Stat” is code for “I am speaking with authority and you had better move your ass.”
FLAPJACKS: My god, you’re right. It’s like someone decided to take the very nature of alpha male domination and condense it down into a single word.
ME: “I need someone to get me a mongoose, four cans of Pabst and a garden hose, stat.”
FLAPJACKS: “I need you to hold this bag of wontons and do the Chicken Dance, stat.”
ME: “I need somebody to debone this turkey while wearing boxing gloves, stat.”
FLAPJACKS: “Hey, you! Deal out a deck of cards to everybody here, and kick whoever gets the Jack of Diamonds in the crotch, stat!”
ME: But we must remember that there are rules to “stat.”
FLAPJACKS: There are?
ME: For example: your “stat” order can’t have more than three elements to it. If you have more than three elements, it loses its tone of urgency. Shopping lists are not “stat.” They are “anti-stat.”
FLAPJACKS: That’s a very good point. One never shops for “stat.” It is taken. By force of will alone.
ME: Also, tone of voice is important. You can’t end “stat” with a question mark.
FLAPJACKS: Hm. “I need twenty CCs of doublequantinegatone, stat?”
ME: I told you.
FLAPJACKS: Wow, you’re right. That’s not just “anti-stat.” That is practically “unstat.” Are there other rules?
ME: “Stat” demands must be specific and concrete. “Stat” does not deal in abstracts.
FLAPJACKS: So existential philosophy is right out, then.
ME: To say the least.
FLAPJACKS: Still, I assume I will generally not urgently need people to tell me about Kant or whatever.
ME: Do you actually know anything about existential philosophy, or did you just pick “Kant” as a philosopical-sounding name at random and hope your reference would be right?
FLAPJACKS: The second one.
ME: I thought so.
FLAPJACKS: Are there any other rules to “stat”? Presumably it doesn’t work on people who know about the rules of “stat.”
ME: See, that’s the beauty of “stat.” People tend to assume you will not misuse its power for self-centred means.
FLAPJACKS: But we will, right?
ME: Well, therein lies the problem. It’s difficult to do so. Traditionally, the purpose of “stat” is to help someone else. “Excuse me, miss? I need you to suck my cock, stat,” doesn’t work, because you’re obviously just asking for a blowjob and that goes beyond the needs of “stat.”
FLAPJACKS: I see your point.
ME: You ever notice when you watch a doctor show, the person who says “stat” is never the person who’s hurt? It’s always someone else saying “stat,” even when the person who’s hurt is a doctor who themselves is capable of saying “stat.”
FLAPJACKS: That’s an excellent point. You never hear anybody say “I need twenty CCs of floovoploxylipizone, stat,” wherein the “I” means “it will be injected into me.” The “I need” is always short form for “I need to give this person,” and so forth.
ME: So “stat” really can’t be used for blatant self-satisfaction.
FLAPJACKS: No, it can.
ME: I thought I just explained why not?
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but I have found a cunning loophole.
ME: Okay, I’m ready. Let’s hear it.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure?
ME: Hit me.
FLAPJACKS: “I need you to make out with me, stat,” as you have already made clear, will not work, no matter how good your delivery is.
FLAPJACKS: However, “I need you to make out with my friend here, stat,” on the other hand, will work if delivered properly.
ME: Oh my god.
ME: You have cracked the code.
FLAPJACKS: Well of course.