So my earlier round of begging has paid off handsomely and I am a FINALIST in the Canadian Blog Awards for Best Humour Blog. Clearly, you must go vote for me. Same deal as previously applies! Vote for me and you can totally ask me to write about something! And I may even do it.
However, I am entirely balanced and fair, so let us first examine the other four finalists in this category.
Noise to Signal is a comic strip (well, single-panel strip, much like The Far Side, but with no cows) masquerading as a blog. It is not unamusing, but come on! A comic strip is not a blog! Rob Cunningham is very clearly cheating, and as such, any potential humour value that his strip provides must obviously be meaningless in comparison to the sheer outrage I am sure you are feeling right now over his attempts to pull wool over your eyes. Also, I post a lot more than Rob “Once A Week If You’re Lucky” Cunningham, so be aware that his “quality not quantity” arguments are completely meritless. That he has made none of these arguments so far is utterly besides the point, because we all know cartoonists are shifty, and that they will lie and cozen their way into your heart with pretty, false words, then stab you with a butcher knife and draw unholy symbols with your blood. Or is that Satanists? I can never tell the difference. And you know why? Oh, I think you do.
Useless Advice From Useless Men is an advice column wherein I am unsure if the letters are for real or not. It doesn’t really matter. (Unless they are fake, in which case their site is filled with lying liars and clearly they are unworthy of your vote.) It’s competent, clever stuff and the guy(s) writing it could probably get a real job writing something somewhere if they tried. That having been said: one post a week. I feel like a slacker when I only put in one post per day. Admittedly some of them are hyperlinks, but you love hyperlinks, don’t you? What’s that? You want more original material? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU I AM ONLY HUMAN YOU ARE SQUEEZING BLOOD FROM A STONE HERE! Or, more accurately, “I will get right on that.”
Mitchieville is the token “here is a right-wing blog that online righties think is funny.” This is another way of saying “they are not actually funny.” Yes, I know they think that “hurr hurr hurr liberals are dumb” is the height of wit and that just saying “politically correct” is a punchline (much like “Cucamunga” or “Walla Walla” are innately funny place names), but just like Larry the Cable Guy, the Half Hour News Hour and anything Dennis Miller did after 9/11, it turns out that bitterness and spite do not actually substitute well for comic insight or a sense of timing. However, you just know that Small Dead Animals and Free Dominion and the rest of the right-wing freakosphere are going to take this string of insults what I have just written as proof that left-wingers are full of hatred or something, and organize a massive get-out-the-vote campaign for Mitchieville. Which is kind of depressing. Also, they have a guy writing for them named “Fenris Badwulf,” which is quite possibly the best bad pseudonym of all time. I mean, “Fenris Badwulf” is the sort of name World of Warcraft players look at and say, “man… that’s a bit much.”
Enjoy Every Sandwich is a left-wing blog, and the writer has quite a sense of flair and is quite entertaining as medium-length essayists go. I would certainly vote for him for Best Progressive Blog! However, he is my competition in this category, so forget everything I just said because clearly he is a douchebag with no social skills or originality who steals traffic from starving orphan websites who have whooping cough and/or the dropsies. How low can he sink? He gave his readers titties in exchange for voting. (Did any of you people want titties in exchange for voting? Well, forget it, because I have principles, and will only give you money and possibly drugs.)
But really, the reason to vote for me isn’t that these other sites are obviously low-key hackwork operations run on slave labour and sodomy. The reason to vote for me is because I bring you what nobody else does. Do these other sites go back into the mists of time to inform you how J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis talked when they hung out? Do they introduce you to the cast of American Gladiators? Do they explain Hollywood for you or warn you about the Count or Photoshop old comic book advertisements or talk about action figures or link back to that Atari boxes post you already saw six times at other sites while trying to pimp themselves or expose you to the glory that is Flapjacks?
And most importantly, are they officially sponsored by Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog?
I think not. So, in addition to voting for me, tell all of your friends! Then make them tell all of their friends! Use force if necessary.