So I am totally in love with this “25 things” meme because it made the pages of USA Today and I love the McPaper, so I wanted to do it. I asked MGK but he was all “Flapjacks that is sooooooo 2004” and he said don’t do it but I’m gonna do it because it’s awesome and lists are awesome and awesomeness is awesome.
1.) I frequently masturbate to “sad clown” pornography.
2.) If I could go back in time, I would go back to 1912 and punch Kaiser Wilhelm in the face, just to ruin stuff for all the people who would be going back in time to punch Hitler but because I punched the Kaiser there would only be a confused art student wondering why all these people were punching him.
3.) I don’t think cows explode often enough.
4.) I am standing behind you… RIGHT NOW!
5.) Okay no I’m not but I bet you looked.
6.) I can wiggle my fingers. But differently than how you do it.
7.) If I could go back in time twice, I would fight Jesus. Not to be mean. I just figure Jesus would probably like to box, but nobody would box him because, you know, Jesus.
8.) MGK said I have to use capital letters on his blog now because people complained SO HERE ARE SOME CAPITAL LETTERS WHOOOOOOOOOO.
9.) If I were a lucha libre wrestler my masked name would be “El Legarto Diablo,” AKA “the Devil’s Lizard.”
10.) Because that’s a penis joke.
11.) Somebody emailed MGK this video and he didn’t want to post it but I think it is the best video ever so here.
12.) My favorite food is corn. Theoretically you can stab a man to death with corn.
13.) When I go to the movies I always sit at the very back so I can pretend that I am just watching a big TV and that a bunch of strangers showed up in my house to have a very, very quiet and respectful party.
14.) I am not allowed to go back to the circus.
15.) Ever since I saw that video MGK keeps looking at me suspiciously.
16.) I would be an awesome con man because I would use suspension of disbelief. I would be all “I can sell you the secret of eternal youth” and they would say “but that’s ridiculous, that doesn’t exist, you’re lying” and then I would go “that you would say that makes it obvious that I am telling the truth because who would say such a stupid lie” and then they would say “good point” and I would get all their money.
17.) But I’d probably spend all the money on generation-one Transformers. But only Shockwave. I want a collection of five billion Shockwaves. And maybe one Megatron so they can say “you can’t be in our Shockwave club, Megatron, because we are ray guns and you are a crappy pistol.” Then Megatron would cry sad tears.
18.) If I were a porn star, according to the time-honored formula of “pet name plus street you grew up on is your porn name,” my porn name would be Calvin Coolidge. REALLY!
19.) Actually, wait, can robots cry tears?
20.) When I go down on a girl, I make my tongue do the Konami Code, although this gets tricky when you get to figuring out what “select” and “start” represent.
21.) If I was going to kill a celebrity and eat their flesh, I would cannibalize Trey Parker and/or Matt Stone. Partially for the irony value, but mostly because I didn’t like BASEketball.
22.) I can read a book so fast that I literally rip the pages out of the book because I am turning the pages so fast.
23.) Actually that’s not true and I just like to rip up books sometimes.
24.) I can make anybody eat a Scotch Bonnet pepper just by holding them down and forcing it into their mouth then forcing them to chew.
25.) If I were going to be an animal, I would be an ibyx. Look it up.