2012: Marvel Studios, in partnership with Lionsgate, makes Punisher War Journal, starring Adam Baldwin as the Punisher, Hector Elizondo as the evil Mexican drug lord Cervantes, and Molly Parker as the whore who falls in love with Frank Castle. Joe Quesada explains in interviews that the previous Punisher movies “weren’t violent enough” to capture “the true Punisher spirit.” Over the course of the movie, the Punisher bludgeons to death seventeen men, explodes eighty-one more, shoots one hundred ninety-six, garrotes three, sics a rabid tiger on two, and stabs one guy in the nutsack repeatedly. The movie makes about $10 million at the box office.
2015: Marvel Studios, in partnership with MGM, makes Punisher: Long Cold Dark, which bears absolutely no resemblance to the Garth Ennis comic story of the same name. It stars Dane Cook as the Punisher, Seth McFarlane as the evil Irish drug kingpin Lonegan, and Julia Stiles as the whore who falls in love with Frank Castle. “This time,” promises Joe Quesada, “we will really get to the heart of the Punisher.” Over the course of the movie, the Punisher shoots one thousand six hundred and twenty-two people, an average of 17.4 people killed for every minute of the movie’s 93-minute running time. Critics are appalled by the movie’s seven-minute long sequence where the Punisher skullfucks Julia Stiles with the barrel of an Uzi when he discovers she has been working for the drug lord. The movie makes about $14 million at the box office.
2018: Marvel Studios, in partnership with Universal, makes Punisher 3D, starring Joe Jonas as the Punisher, Mike Myers as the evil Scottish drug kingpin Macdougall, and Abigail Breslin as teenaged prostitute Angie, who turns out to be the Punisher’s long-lost baby sister. Joe Quesada enthuses, “this is how the Punisher was always meant to be seen.” Many movie audiences report mass vomiting as they are forced to watch uncannily realistic blood squirts combined with Mike Myers’ comedy Scottish accent. The movie makes about $6 million at the box office.
2020: Marvel-Fuji releases Lady Punisher, starring Megan Fox as the Lady Punisher, Tracy Morgan as the evil Jamaican drug lord Baquon, and Macaulay Culkin as Stevie, the doomed hyper-meth addict. Joe Cyrus-Quesada explains that “it was time for us to really take the Punisher in a new direction, and you can’t get more new than making the Punisher a hot chick.” Critics uniformly question director Sofia Coppola’s decision to have Fox deliver all her lines in a “pirate accent” and pretend to have a peg-leg. The movie makes about $13 million at the box office.
2024: Fuji-Marvelsoft releases Punish-R, a computer-animated movie about a cute little robot in the far future who decides to kill all malfunctioning robots. “We’re taking the Punisher concept and expanding the franchise,” says Joe Quesada Jr. (no relation to the original Joe Quesada, who disappeared in 2021). Critics wonder at the presence of six musical numbers written and conducted by Fred Durst. The movie makes about $9 million at the box office.
2032: Fumarvo releases The Punisher, a back-to-basics movie about Frank Castle (played by Colin Hanks) and his war on crime. The movie is set in the early 90s; Castle is an aging Vietnam vet. “This is what the Punisher is,” says Joe Quesada (having reappeared in 2029). “No tricks, no gimmicks; just straight-up action and drama, very dark. This is what the Punisher should always have been.” Critics applaud the tense action, the performances, and the skillful direction of Michael Bay Jr. and his robot dog/cinematographer Floppy-12. The movie makes about $6 million at the box office.
Top comment: A step by step guide on how to make a decent Punisher movie.
1. Use a random Garth Ennis Punisher comic as a storyboard.
2. That’s IT. You’re fucking DONE. How hard was that exactly? Yeah, that’s what I thought. — Doktor Puppykicker