ME: And we have teams!
FLAPJACKS: Harlem Globetrotters!
ME: Christian country singers!
FLAPJACKS: Christian gay brothers!
ME: Christians dating since they were little kids!
FLAPJACKS: Did they say they were Christians?
ME: They met during a game of tetherball. Jesus played tetherball.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t think that’s quite right.
ME: I was raised Catholic. Don’t question me on these matters.
FLAPJACKS: There’s a team where one guy has Asperger’s!
ME: Lovable movie Asperger’s or real-life Asperger’s?
FLAPJACKS: Maybe he is like Bones on Bones.
FLAPJACKS: Who are also lawyers. Trial lawyers. Man, you need to bulk up if that is the standard for trial lawyers now. He could rip you in half.
ME: Whoa! One team doesn’t even get to do the Race if they can’t find a license plate?
FLAPJACKS: That is a DICK MOVE.
ME: That is a total dick move. But in keeping with the spirit of the Race,
ME: The Race has no pity for a bad taxi, no sympathy for a missed flight. The Race only cares about speed and ability. You cannot talk yourself out of elimination. The Race is Darwinism as applied to reality television.
FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t explain all the Christians.
ME: Whoa, we’re down to the hulked-out lawyers and the hippie yoga teachers!
FLAPJACKS: Sadly, the result seems rather predictable.
ME: And we’re off to Japan.
FLAPJACKS: I love that the Harlem Globetrotters aren’t “Dan and Steve,” but rather “Flight Time and Big Easy.” If I ever go on the Amazing Race I will totally demand that my chryon say “Flapjacks.”
ME: Who would your partner be?
FLAPJACKS: What, you wouldn’t be willing?
ME: I think I’d rather race with a woman.
FLAPJACKS: I could wear a dress.
ME: A woman much hotter than me, who is also female.
FLAPJACKS: That seems unrealistic.
ME: Yeah, well, so is me getting my American citizenship.
FLAPJACKS: Team Gay Brothers has a secret plan. They will let female teams flirt with them and think that it is helpful, but in reality it will not be. This is the stupidest plan ever.
ME: Every plan involving inter-team manipulation on the Amazing Race is the stupidest plan ever. It has never worked ever in the history of time, but twenty thousand years from now when teams are lining up for jet-pack trips, they will still all be “Kylie-9 and I will use our pheromone generator matrix to make Bobby-7 and Bobby-8 think we are hot for them so they will help us.”
FLAPJACKS: Shame that Bobby-7 and Bobby-8 are eliminated in the third leg when PH1L, the omnicomputer host, destroys their spacecraft with a gamma laser.
ME: Stereotypical Japanese game show.
FLAPJACKS: Because as Westerners we know that the Japanese do nothing but go to offices and watch fucking weird game shows. That is their entire culture.
ME: You forgot about “writing rape manga.”
FLAPJACKS: They do that while they’re at the offices. They have to do something.
ME: Aaaaand the Race has determined that the other thing Japanese people do is eat sushi and wasabi.
FLAPJACKS: HEY EVERYBODY IT’S CULTURAL!
ME: I wonder how long it will take me to get tired of hearing “Sweet Georgia Brown” this season.
FLAPJACKS: I would imagine long, long after I get tired of hearing Asperger Guy’s squeaky voice. He is nothing like Bones!
ME: Or Hulk Lawyer go YEAAAAAH!
FLAPJACKS: Or GO GO GO GO!
ME: So we’ve pretty much decided that we hate Hulk Lawyer already, right?
FLAPJACKS: Oh yes. Based on less than five minutes of television exposure, I am already positive that he is the Devil.
ME: He’s too lame to be the devil. Maybe he is the Spawn of Hasslehoff.
ME: So Team Gay Brothers is lying to Team Poker Players about not being gay, and Team Poker Players have convinced Team Gay Brothers that they are actually passionate charity workers.
FLAPJACKS: I wish they would realize that their elaborate plan involves helping one another under false pretenses, which is exactly the same as helping each other and being open and honest.
ME: It’s not their fault that they didn’t get to be on Survivor.
FLAPJACKS: And now, having finished with Japan because they have done everything possible while in Japan, they go to Vietnam. Presumably they will get involved in the child sex trade,
ME: That’s Thailand.
FLAPJACKS: I’m positive that Vietnam has its own child hookers. They just don’t advertise it like Thailand does. If Thailand is the Wal-Mart of child hookers, then Vietnam is, like, the Costco or something.
ME: I’m absolutely sure that that was a horrible thing to say.
FLAPJACKS: I’m just wondering what country is the Target of child hookers.
ME: The Harlem Globetrotters are pissed that the poker players lied about being poker players.
FLAPJACKS: Well, DUH. They’re poker players. They play a game that is all about lying and memorizing a series of odds, and the memorizing thing isn’t going to help much unless there’s a really specific challenge. Are the poker players going to get angry when the Harlem Globetrotters are successful because they’re very tall?
ME: You would.
FLAPJACKS: Well, fuck them for being tall.
ME: You’re six three!
FLAPJACKS: But they’re taller and so I hate them forever.
ME: I’m five eleven and I don’t hate them for being tall.
FLAPJACKS: No, you hate them for being trim and fit.
ME: You know, if I had a hot girlfriend and I was considering marrying her, the first word I would use when describing her good qualities would not be “loyal.” That’s something you use to describe your dog, not a potential wife-to-be.
FLAPJACKS: It would be “patient.” Or maybe “understanding.”
ME: Had to go there, didn’t you?
FLAPJACKS: Oh! Oh! “Blind!”