8:05: Okay I’m a bit late but I am totally stoked to do this because liveblogging awards shows is the coolest. Okay, so your host is Andre Braugher. Starting off with a musical number by Fergie. I guess they couldn’t get all of the Black-Eyed Peas. That’s why this show isn’t the Oscars. Although they’re holding it on this real swank ship this year! Kurt Russell looks worried, which is weird because I don’t think he’s nominated for anything.
8:07: Kurt Russell’s daughter is way hot. I think she might have been in movies. Hey, this year it appears that the producers are going more “reality show” and they’ve got backstage cameras doing, like, vignette things and stuff. Okay. I can grok that.
8:15: Kevin Dillon and Josh Lucas are playing poker. Can you do that at an awards show? I mean I don’t think they have a license. Those Hollywood types, just breaking the law on camera. Next up they’ll be snorting blow right onscreen! Because they’re Hollywood types.
8:20: Hey, I know that guy! He’s been in movies! And he’s a waiter? He’s waiting tables? Man, Hollywood has it in for Hispanic actors, I tell you what. This guy was on Scrubs as whatsername’s brother and he’s so hard up for cash he’s serving George Clooney drinks. Okay, I haven’t seen Clooney yet but presumably he’s here somewhere.
8:23: Holy shit, since when is Richard Dreyfuss gay? I thought I would’ve heard about that on the news or something. When the kid from Who’s The Boss said he was gay, that made it into newspapers, and who cares about that guy? Richard Dreyfuss is a name. You’d think he’s on par with Ellen, at least.
8:24: Then again, I suppose nowadays “X is gay” isn’t really much of a headline. Besides, the last thing I saw Richard Dreyfuss in was that movie where he pretended to be a jungle savage that was kind of racist. That movie sucked. Jenna Elfman was in it. She sucks too. What’s that new show she’s in where she’s pregnant and everybody is terrible? She is like a magic beacon of bad.
8:28: Holy shit the guy whose name I don’t remember is using the Golden Globes to smuggle in illegal immigrants! Glenn Beck isn’t going to shut up about this I tell you what.
8:31: Apparently there’s this big tidal wave that’s gonna hit the boat. I don’t know why they aren’t warning the Hollywood people. I guess they don’t want to panic America.
8:34: THE HOLLYWOOD BOAT IS UPSIDE DOWN
8:35: Holy shit I think that was Seth Green falling to his death right there
8:36: on second thought no way Seth Green got invited to the Golden Globes
8:38: Seth Green is safe because he is Hollywood’s official “we can laugh at ourselves” guy but they never invite him to parties.
8:40: Andre Braugher is saying they should all stay put and help the wounded. Why is this guy hosting the Golden Globes, anyway? I mean, he’s a great actor, but we all know that Golden Globe anything is really about making bank and sucking dick. Was this originally going to be hosted by one of the late night TV hosts, and then the Leno thingie happened and now they’re all taking sides? So Hollywood sat down and said “okay guys we need somebody neutral and inoffensive to host, let’s get Andre Braugher.”
8:42: Kurt Russell is saying “no we have to go,” and he says he knows about boats and stuff. Maybe he owns a boat? I could see Kurt Russell owning a boat. Although where is George Clooney in all of this? I mean, as Clooney goes, you got to know Matt Damon and Julia Roberts will follow his lead, and if you have those three you gotta figure there’s critical mass.
8:47: Kurt Russell, his daughter, Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss and a couple other people are leaving. Andre Braugher seals up the awards ceremony behind them. I guess Clooney made it clear that he was staying. Don’t fuck with Clooney.
8:50: HOLY SHIT KEVIN DILLON IS DEAD
8:51: I wonder how they handle that on Entourage. Will Drama die off-screen and Vince has to deal with it, furthering the “Vince has to grow up” storyline, or will they just get a new actor to play Drama?
8:52: I bet the former. Nobody else can be Drama.
8:55: Man that upside-down ballroom looks rough. I don’t see Clooney anywhere. Maybe they have a special escape pod for the really important stars. If I were producing the Golden Globes on a ship, I’d have an escape pod ready.
8:57: Although in my case I wouldn’t use it to save George Clooney. It would be me and Kate Winslet.
8:58: Although Kate Winslet is married. Maybe I should rethink that plan. Assuming she survives.
8:59: Actually come to think I bet most of the celebrities have already gone into their escape pods and left behind wives and girlfriends and husbands and boyfriends they don’t like anymore. That’s why you don’t recognize anybody on the ballroom ceiling/floor except for Andre Braugher and Fergie.
9:00: Hollywood is probably sick of Fergie. I bet there’s a bunch of other “hey what happened to” people filling out the floor. Your Topher Graces, your Josh DuHamels, your extraneous Wayanses.
9:03: Richard Dreyfuss just kicked that guy who was on Scrubs in the face so that he could live! (Richard Dreyfuss, not the guy from Scrubs.) Man, it is so true what they say about Hollywood being uber-competitive.
9:06: And there goes the ballroom as it collapses under a tidal wave of water. Assuming that the Clooney-level stars have already exited via their escape pods as previously discussed, I guess that means there’s a whole new wave of jobs open up in Hollywood now. Probably every show on the CW has three or four empty roles they’ll need to fill. This could be a gold mine, folks! Especially if you’re young, white, and good-looking in a bland sort of way. Extra points if your name is “Logan.”
9:08: I wonder why Richard Dreyfuss doesn’t get an escape capsule. I mean, you got to know Jack Nicholson had an escape capsule.
9:12: Aw, the illegal immigrant that Richard Dreyfuss was dragging along with him drowned or something. Bet you that doesn’t stop people from complaining about immigration, though.
9:15: Hey, it just occurred to me that if the escape pod theory isn’t workable, that means that Kurt Russell is currently the most bankable box-office draw in the world. How weird is that? Sure, he’s done a lot of good movies, but… it’s still Kurt Russell, you know?
9:16: And where’s Goldie Hawn in all of this? Maybe she decided she wasn’t in the mood to do the Golden Globes this year and she was all “no, honey, you go ahead.” I bet she feels all ironic now! Or something.
9:22: MGK just told me that instead of the Golden Globes, I have actually been watching Poseidon, a movie that was made three years ago and which was on TV. Apparently Drew Barrymore won an award. I think what I was watching was more plausible.