“Hello, Betty. I want to play a game.”
“You are now under my complete control. Everytime you see Veronica Lodge and Archie Andrews together, you will attempt to kill them both”
Betty Cooper: Secret Confidential Origins
“Electricity generated from sheer insanity. My god, I’m so fucking brilliant.”
” . . . and then I gave Jughead a post-hypnotic suggestion to drown Mr. Lodge. Now to use you to get Veronica out of the way, and Archie will be ALLL MINE! MUAAAHAHAHAHAHA!”
THE EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! DO YOU HEAR ME, MOOSE? A COMPLETE SUCCESS! …Moose?
“Dilton Doiley is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life. And he’s great in the sack!”
“Soon, your brains will light up like Zinzinatti!”
Twenty years ago:
Miss Coulter, I have removed all common sense as well as your soul. What did you want to do again?
“Hold still. This won’t hurt a bit.”
“Reemmber your mission Betty… PROTECT JOHN CONNER!”
Eventually, Betty’s relentless sexual experimentation moved into more esoteric techniques…
Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.
“Yes, Betty, I’m sure that enough electroshock therapy will make Archie love you.”
“…And when I hit this switch poof! You will now believe that the finale to LOST answered all the questions you had.”
“We’ve secretly replaced Betty’s brains with folger’s coffee crystals, and sewed a hat onto her head to stop her from scratching at the hole we drilled into her skull. Let’s see if anyone notices.”
I’ll have what she’s having.
“Veronica’s going to be pissed when she sees you wearing Archie’s picture as a tramp stamp.”
Aha! My hat making machine is a success. Now to disconnect.
Dilbert has parts… many parts… and now Dilbert must FEED… feed… on YOU!
“When I snap my fingers, you will take the shotgun to Cobain’s house. Once there, await further instructions.”
Very sorry, that should read “Dilton”. I have cut myself in penance.
“Just a few more minutes to make sure that we got all of the cooties and then we can go out on our date.”
BELOW THE PICTURE: At that moment Betty realized that the nerds’ lack of success with women was their own fault.
“I love it when we play Barbarella.”
“Your soul is mine!”
“Actually, I never did see ‘Lawnmower Man.’ Why do you ask?”
Those fools – FOOLS! at the Academy laughed at me! But at last, my electronic sombrero-growing apparatus is COMPLETE! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Tell me Betty… all you have to do is tell me how many lights there are. There are five lights… aren’t there, Betty?
“Your name is Elmer J. Fudd… You own a mansion und a yacht…”
“So, Jughead. Have you ever seen the movie ‘Weird Science’?”
You beat me to the Elmer Fudd joke, Daniel!
“THE I-QUUM IS A SUCCESS! And now, to reverse the polarity and restore Betty’s Mensa-level intelligence…”
Now, repeat after me: “Why yes, I CAN relate to Peter Parker more, now that he is single again. Why do you ask?”
“You vill soon be as big as a giant! Or, like all the others… DEAD!”
“And now, to unleash the awesome power of TAP WATER!”
“Now, we’re supposed to start with these operation programs, that’s major boring shit. Let’s do something a little more fun…combat training.”
“Jujitsu? I’m going to learn… Jujitsu?”
“They’re just questions, Betty. In answer to your query, they’re written down for me. It’s a test, designed to provoke an emotional response… Shall we continue?”
“Good news. I removed at least two gallons of water on the brain!”
Filling my Betty-Blowup-Doll with WATER instead of air! Brilliant!
“Once I flip this switch, the Bettybot will activate, and she’ll protect Sunny–er, Riverdale from vampires and demons until the writers can find a way to bring the real Betty back to life. And since she’s a perfect replica of the original, no one will know the difference!”
“It seems, in your anger, you killed her.”
“I have sucked out all her brains with my diabolical machine… and yet, I can see no change!”
Alien: “Completely unused brain cells are incredibly rare, and yet, in this small town, there seems to be a never-ending supply!”
“This is sex, right, Betty? I’m sure I got it right this time!”
“…somewhere there’s a mind-control fetishist having an orgasm just thinking about this moment…”
…wait, didn’t Sue Chan already draw this issue…?
Soon, Betty, all your thetans will be gone!
“Based on my appearance, you might think that I’m completely unfamiliar with female anatomy, but trust me, this device is the best dildo ever invented!”
“… not gonna die alone not gonna die alone not gonna die alone…”
“Sorry I have to do this, Betty, but Mr. Lodge wants you to kill Archie, so brainwashing you is the best way. It’s not like this could ever backfire and turn you into a crazy person, right?
Don’t worry. Here at Lacuna technologies, we take all your pain away. When you wake up, you will forget Joel Barrish ever existed in your life.
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