FLAPJACKS: Hey, you remember how two days ago you were all “oh I want to see new stuff” and then you pretended to be, like, all cool about Thor even though you’re a giant nerd?
ME: I am a nerd, but I’ve never been one of those nerds with a giant boner for Thor. Not least because at this point it is canon that Superman can beat him. Thor’s okay. He’s just not that cool to me and never has been. Jack Kirby, Walt Simonson, I don’t care – it’s all badly mangled medieval English and shouting to me.
FLAPJACKS: So you won’t go see it?
ME: Sure I’ll go see it. I’m just not waiting with aforementioned giant nerd-boner.
FLAPJACKS: Ah, but the trailer is online! I bet you get a giant nerd boner.
ME: We should probably stop talking about giant nerd boners.
ME: Okay, so to guard the hammer in the middle of the wide, flat desert which nobody can lift, they have set up multiple storeys of brightly lit scaffolding. This serves the double purpose of not only being basically useless but also actively working against the whole “secret agents” bit of S.H.I.E.L.D.
FLAPJACKS: But it looks awesome!
ME: And then Thor beats up a bunch of security guards. Why is this impressive? He is Thor. He can, like, mash their faces by shrugging.
FLAPJACKS: But it looks awesome!
ME: And then he gets captured anyway. Way to go, Thor!
FLAPJACKS: He probably held back because he is a noble god and so forth.
ME: A building explodes! That will teach that building to mess with Thor.
FLAPJACKS: He probably hit it so hard all the bricks spontaneously combusted. That is what happened, I bet.
ME: And the big reveal is… he’s Thor! Well, it’s a trailer, I guess.
FLAPJACKS: Chris Hemsworth looks so much like Thor.
ME: If you mean that he is a big guy with long blond hair, then yes.
FLAPJACKS: Why do you gotta be like that?
ME: Okay, I’m pretty impressed with Asgard. It totally looks like Minas Tirith, but metal-plated. That is a compliment. There’s actually a lot of the original Kirby design in this.
FLAPJACKS: Odin speaks! About honor!
ME: Isn’t it one of the things about Thor comics that Odin is, generally speaking, a giant dickhead? Like, Thor comes home and he’s all “father I have slain the dreaded Ogre of Laffafafhafannahaf and saved the villagers” and Odin would be like “yes, that’s very nice, Thor, but what did you learn about yourself in the process?”
FLAPJACKS: So you’re saying Odin is a hippie?
ME: Not exactly.
FLAPJACKS: Volstagg! Fandral! Sif! Hogun!
ME: What’s the over/under on the number of lines they get in this movie, do you think? I’m thinking four for Hogun, nine for Fandral, thirteen for Volstagg and twenty for Sif.
FLAPJACKS: You don’t know! They could be really important!
ME: Based on what we’ve seen so far and the fact that Odin is lecturing Thor right now, I bet the storyline is something like “Odin condemns Thor to go be a human on Earth until he learns to be a proper hero and crap.” Sif and the Warriors Three do not feature heavily in that sort of storyline. I bet they show up right at the beginning, then sit around looking increasingly worried while Loki does Bad Things, and then they get a bit of fight sequence towards the end.
FLAPJACKS: A HA but why are they in the trailer then?
ME: Where did this air? Comicon. This is the movie studio equivalent of foreplay.
FLAPJACKS: That mental image is worse than the one for “giant nerd boner.”
ME: Also, Hogun appears to be holding a colander on the end of a stick.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe he likes pasta.
ME: Ahhhh, there’s the Odin I’m used to. “Thor, you’re an asshole.”
FLAPJACKS: Loki! He’s being sneaky!
ME: There is nothing there that is sneaky.
FLAPJACKS: Black Heimdall!
ME: I can hear the nerds in the far distance saying “I’m not racist, but this godly being should be white, okay?”
FLAPJACKS: …okay, you were right about the Thor being exiled thing.
ME: It’s the most obvious storyline if you want to connect him to Marvel Earth, frankly. I’m not complaining. The story that makes sense is never a bad pick. Unless you’re David Lynch.
FLAPJACKS: What would David Lynch’s Thor be like?
ME: It would feature a meteorologist who dreams surreal dreams of being a Norse god in olden times, drinks beers at O’Denn’s Bar and Grill, and then inexplicably sprays lightning when he masturbates one morning. This would lead him on a vision-quest where he ends up being transformed into a 1967 Chevy El Camino.
FLAPJACKS: I like his delivery of his second line. I personally like it when Norse gods have English accents.
ME: You were expecting them to have Scandanavian accents of some kind? Come on, this is an American movie. English accents are code for “better than you.”
FLAPJACKS: They could sound like Stellan Skarsgard. He always sounds like a badass.
ME: That is true, but shut up I am looking at Natalie Portman because she is pretty.
FLAPJACKS: Magic is like science!
ME: Looks like Marvel is wussing out and going with the “they aren’t really gods, they’re like… aliens or something” deal that gets trotted out whenever they’re worried about pissing off whiny Christians. Right now the comics are in full-on “no, they’re gods” mode. Maybe this is gonna be the next big switcharound, like when the Spider-Man comics had him shooting organic webs from his wrists.
FLAPJACKS: And Thor can’t lift his hammer because he’s not worthy of the power of Thor!
ME: Which is also kind of predictable, but again, nothing wrong with it. Gives Kenneth Branagh an excuse to do a “this is what a hero REALLY is” plot. Thor will help old ladies cross the street and will build wheelchair ramps into buildings for the disabled and give kittens to small children.
FLAPJACKS: What if the children are allergic to cats?
ME: Then Thor will give them goldfish – oh, wait, seriously, are they having Thor do the “drop to your knees and go “NOOOOOOOOO”" bit? Really, Marvel? I mean… really?
FLAPJACKS: Shut up. It is dramatic because he cannot play with his hammer. Oh man I just thought of a dick joke.
ME: And another exploding building means that it’s montage time! Okay, so we’ve got Asgardians walking like they are Reservoir Dogs.
FLAPJACKS: An evil looking… monster thingy!
ME: Odin dies! Loki becomes the King of Asgard. Or whatever.
FLAPJACKS: Thor carries a small child to a pickup truck. I bet he learns to become a hero that way!
ME: Heimdall appears to be a vampire of some kind.
FLAPJACKS: Loki has his curvy horn helmet! He is so mad!
ME: An exploding car. There are a lot of explosions in this movie given that it’s about guys who fight with swords and hammers.
FLAPJACKS: Makeouts! The Warriors Three and Sif again – aw you’re probably right about them.
ME: Another exploding building. All of these explosions seem to be in the same town.
FLAPJACKS: I wouldn’t want to live in that town. Because of all of the explosions. “Hey, Bert, didja see Jerry? He was supposed to gimme a lift to the DMV.” “Yeah, I saw him, but then his car exploded.” “Aw, shucks. Now I’ll hafta -” and then he explodes.
ME: Thor and Loki fighting. I guess they’re actually saving the good stuff for theatres in this case.
FLAPJACKS: And title. That looks good.
ME: But wait, there is more – ahhh, the Destroyer armor. That is what was causing all those explosions.
FLAPJACKS: Well, it would do that.
ME: It would indeed.
FLAPJACKS: So are we going to go see it?
ME: Of course we will.
FLAPJACKS: So are you going to take back what you said and admit that Thor is the awesomest thing ever?
ME: Of course I won’t.
FLAPJACKS: How about we watch the trailer for Yogi Bear next?
ME: I may have to beat you with a cudgel.