FLAPJACKS: The trailer for the Green Lantern movie is online.
ME: Oh good.
FLAPJACKS: That sounded sarcastic. I don’t get why you’re being sarcastic. This is a comic book movie directed by Martin Campbell starring Ryan Reynolds and Peter Sarsgaard. There is nothing in that sentence you don’t like.
ME: Probably because the word “Green Lantern” was not in that sentence. I am not particularly a fan of Green Lantern, or of things both greenish and lanterny at once. The concept has never appealed to me the way it does to some. I am fine with this. And I especially particularly do not like Hal Jordan, who is the character I hate second-most in comics.
FLAPJACKS: The first being…
ME: Beast Boy.
FLAPJACKS: Why do you hate Beast Boy?
ME: Because fuck him, that’s why.
ME: Oh, god, we’re starting out with Hal Jordan as super-stud.
FLAPJACKS: You don’t complain when Iron Man bags chicks.
ME: That’s because it doesn’t seem like desperate trying when Iron Man sleeps around. But years of DC telling us over and over again that Hal Jordan is hot shit and he totally has threeways with DC superhero ladies like all the time have poisoned the well. That they’re having him played by Ryan Reynolds just underscores the point.
FLAPJACKS: But you like Ryan Reynolds.
ME: Because he’s good at playing “douchebag bro,” whether straight or for ironic purpose. Like, consider Tony Stark again. When Tony Stark wants to bail on a woman he just nailed, he just goes downstairs and tinkers with cars while Pepper Potts and his AI butler shove the girl out the door. It’s a dick move, pure and simple, which makes him sort of admirable in a way because he doesn’t pretend it’s anything but a dick move. Hal Jordan, on the other hand, is passive aggressive. “Hey I’m totally a decent guy, One Night Stand lady, I just have to go fly a plane so I’m gonna pretend I’m not an asshole for ten seconds okay bye.”
FLAPJACKS: You think about this too much.
ME: And now comes poetry about how awesome it is to fly a plane. Nobody in the whole world likes this. Nobody wants to hear about your hobby or your job completing you and putting you at inner peace.
FLAPJACKS: Abin Sur looks kind of awesome.
ME: The spaceship isn’t bad either.
FLAPJACKS: Man they are showing a lot of Abin Sur’s spaceship. That makes me worry. When the awesomest thing they’re showing is the spaceship that blows up in the first twenty minutes it kind of makes you wonder about, you know, the rest of the movie.
ME: The wormhole looks decent.
FLAPJACKS: Oa looks decent.
ME: Sinestro looks… like a horrible CGI experiment gone wrong.
FLAPJACKS: Oh my god he looks like an extra from Delgo.
ME: And the thing is that we know that’s actually Mark Strong. What is up with that? Is this like Avatar where they motion-traced people and then did it all with computers, or is the makeup job just that bad?
FLAPJACKS: I’m not sure. I hope it’s the latter. The former sounds like a horrible idea if you don’t have James Cameron and lots of millions of dollars handy.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t think you’re allowed to call him that anymore.
ME: I bet it’s, like, his college bro nickname. “Pieface! PieFAAAAAACE! I can call you that because of all the pussy you ate.”
FLAPJACKS: Hal seems to have self-doubt.
ME: Presumably somebody realized at some point that Hal’s standard “overconfident asshole” schtick wasn’t a great selling point as a character and decided to go a different route, which is “pretend Hal is actually Kyle Rayner so people may end up liking him.”
FLAPJACKS: You really hate this character, don’t you?
ME: Oh my yes.
FLAPJACKS: That green fist was sweet.
ME: It was.
FLAPJACKS: Oh wait never mind the self-doubt is just to pick up chicks.
ME: That’s our Hal!
FLAPJACKS: Kilowog looks cool.
ME: I wonder if he will say “poozers.”
FLAPJACKS: He had better say “poozers.” If he doesn’t say poozers thousands of angry nerds will storm Hollywood asking for a refund.
ME: Hector Hammond looks decent as well.
FLAPJACKS: You know, for a movie about Green Lantern I was kind of hoping the trailer would show me a few more Green Lantern tricks.
ME: Well, they had to show you that first thirty seconds of Hal flying planes or you wouldn’t know how awesome he totally is.
FLAPJACKS: And the pre-title flash is the “hey ladies look how ripped Ryan Reynolds is” shot.
FLAPJACKS: Oh wait they said part of the oath! Everything is all right now.
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: But we’re going to go see this, right?
ME: Probably. I think we’ve established our standards are low.