(submitted by Ben Ferron)
“Dammit Jug, ever since you started dating Squirrel Girl you’ve gotten WEIRD.”
Wait, why am I the one getting aroused?
“I take back every bad thing I ever said about squirrels.”
“JUGHEAD! Uhhh…it’s NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!”
Great Scott! I’m going to need more nuts!
“Jughead, I told you before. What you do in your own home is fine, but I don’t want to share your furry cosplay!”
“Aw, Jug! You promised me I could be the male squirrel at Furry-Con this year!”
That new Bjork/Gaga fashion line isn’t bad, but my God, man! Loafers?
Look man, I don’t want trouble–she said she wasn’t married!
It’s just a jump to the left! And then a… DAMN IT JUGHEAD! When I said you’re playing Rocky, I didn’t mean… (sigh) This show is gonna be a fucking disaster…
Look at the size of those nutsacks!
MY GOD VERONICA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?!?!
Call L. Ron! The squirrels are counter-attacking!
“You have taken murdering the hypotenuse to levels of wrong I did not think could be reached. Oh my God.”
“Only you, Jughead, would stoop so low as to cheat at Squirrel Checkers.”
“A savage is a being who has not grasped that A is A and that reality is real. He has arrested his mind at the level of a baby’s, at the state when a consciousness acquires its initial sensory perception and has not learned to distinguish solid objects. It is to a baby that the world appears as a blur of motion, without things that move-and the birth of his mind is the day when he grasps that the streak that keeps flickering past him is his mother and the whirl beyond her is a curtain, that the two are solid entities and neither can turn into the other, that they are what they are, that they exist. The day when he grasps that matter has no volition is the day when he grasps that he has-and this is his birth as a human being. The day when he grasps that the reflection he sees in a mirror is not a delusion, that it is real, but it is not himself, that the mirage he sees in a desert is not a delusion, that the air and the light rays that cause it are real, but it is not a city, it is a city’s reflection-the day when he grasps that he is not a passive recipient of the sensations of any given moment, that his senses do not provide him with automatic knowledge in separate snatches independent of context, but only with the material of knowledge, which his mind must learn to integrate-the day when he grasps that his senses cannot deceive him, that physical objects cannot act without causes, that his organs of perception are physical and have no volition, no power to invent or to distort, that the evidence they give him is an absolute, but his mind must learn to understand it, his mind must discover the nature, the causes, the full context of his sensory material, his mind must identify the things that he perceives-that is the day of his birth as a thinker and scientist.”
This is just like my dream from last night!
There was an emergency, sir! I had no time to don my trueskin! I can only beg forgiveness! Please! NOT THE NUTPLAINS!
“QUICK! I’ll grab her and you get ready. We’re going to save the endangered Riverdale squirrel population by ANY MEANS NECESSARY.”
“I don’t care if Moose does join us; This isn’t going to get us that Rex crossover.”
“Furries Ruin Everything.”
No, Jug! You just squashed Gulliver!
“Oh God, my nuts!”
“God damn it, Jughead, you made me drop my squirrel!”
“Stop confusing my squirrel, Jug. You’re scaring her. She doesn’t even know what tap-dancing *is*.”
“PURPLE SQUIRRELS! That must be what’s eating my GRAPE NUTS!”
“Jug! YOU stole Dilton’s hoverboard… and all to impersonate a flying squirrel?”
“Jug! You can’t fuck a squirrel! It’s too small!”
“This is what you get for losing that bet with Reggie.”
“What do you mean, you’re trying to save me from Psycho Betty? Betty’s not psycho, and even if she was, how would wearing a squirrel costume matter?”
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