Slowly, Frodo removed the elven cloak, revealing a majestic pair of swan’s wings.
“You see, Sam, I’m hideous,” he wailed mournfully.
“No, Mister Frodo! I think they’re…beautiful”
Overall, we are in excellent shape, and we really hit one out of the park in the last quarter! Admittedly, this success is a result of severe cost-reduction measures that led to the termination of some of our underperforming coworkers, but I think most of our parents can be replaced with a combination of new hires and tragic plot twists that will make us more popular than ever!
“I am Archie Andrews, and I’m here to ask you a question: Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? ‘No!’ says the man in Washington, ‘It belongs to the poor.’ ‘No!’ says the man in the Vatican, ‘It belongs to God.’ ‘No!’ says the man in Moscow, ‘It belongs to everyone.’ I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose… Riverdale.”
“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What the hell are these?! Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Archie Andrews lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!”
“And then Miss Grundy said to the red-haired boy, “You know, Mister Sandrews, the one thing I love more than anything else is to have my toes sucked. It turns me on soooo much…”
Ha-ha! Here’s a good bit, look. Archie is reading a lame comic to the others and pointing out how badly written it is. Who writes this stuff?
“..and then Betty says to the red-haired pizza man, ‘Is there any other way we can pay for this?’, to which Veronica adds, ‘We’re so verrry hungry..'”
Alright, now that everyone is here, I’ll be announcing the roles for our play. Dilton, you’ll be playing Princeton. Betty, you’ll be playing Kate. Veronica, I know that you wanted that role, and it was a hard to choose between the two of you. In the end, I feel that you would be better as Lucy T. Slut. And yes, the fact that you showed up in a thong and with a bad lower body tan did influence my decision.
I think Theron took it in the first comment. Wingfic, yet.
“The first rule of F* Club: No talking about F* Club! The second rule of F* Club: No talking about F* Club!”
Christ, call me slow, but this is the first time I’ve noticed the text that pops up if you highlight the image.
“You said a bad driver was only safe until she met another bad driver? Well, I met another bad driver, didn’t I? I mean it was careless of me to make such a wrong guess. I thought you were rather an honest, straightforward person. I thought it was your secret pride.”
“I’m thirty,” I said. “I’m five years too old to lie to myself and call it honor.”
She didn’t answer. Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.
“And that’s how I won the Golden Sandwich Award. You know, when I hold it like this and close my eyes, I almost feel like I’m still in Helsinki, giving my acceptance speech.”
And the Lord spake, saying:
“First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.
Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
Well, since someone else did a Python reference:
“Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush in Dingly Dell. There, he sold contraceptives, and . . .”
“And that is how Brother Hubbard came to know about thetans.”
“And now that President Obama has released his long-form birth certificate, I think we can put all that birther nonsense behind us … hey Dilton, why are you looking at me like that?”
“All right, first thing is to generate your character’s ability scores. everyone can roll 3D6 6 times and write the results down in order on your sheet. when you get done we’ll see who can qualify for what character classes.”
In this grave hour, perhaps the most fateful in our history. I send to every household of my peoples. Both at home and overseas this message. Spoken with the same depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you myself. For the second time in the lives of most of us, we are at war. Over and over again we have tried to find a peaceful way out of the differences between ourselves and those who are now our enemies. But it has been in vain. We have been forced into a conflict. For we are called to meet the challenge of a principle, which if it were to prevail, would be fatal to any civilized order in the world. Such a principle, stripped of all disguise, is surely the mere primitive doctrine that might is right. For the sake of all that we ourselves hold dear, it is unthinkable that we should refuse to meet the challenge. It is to this high purpose that I now call my people at home and my peoples across the seas, who will make our cause their own. I ask them to stand calm and firm and united in this time of trial. The task will be hard, there may be dark days ahead and war can no longer be confined to the battlefield. But we can only do the right as we see the right and reverently commit our cause to God. If one and all we keep, resolutely, faithful, to it. Then, with God’s help, we shall prevail.
1) “I went to the internet to get more information on the best way for us to have that group fireworks event, and you should just SEE the stuff that pops up when you type in the words ‘gang bang’! I’ve printed copies for everyone.”
2) “I’ve got the final script here, but sorry Dilton – Moose is still the top for this scene.”
Once upon a time, there was an intergalactic warlord named Xenu…
They said I couldn’t become homeless in two hours. They said I couldn’t trick ALL of my social circle into one polyamorous relationship. They said I couldn’t sell my “Buffy In The Holodeck” crossover script to HBO. I guess two out of three ain’t bad, eh? Eh?
“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night…”
This next chapter in “Salem’s Lot: Friendship Is Magic” is titled “AAAAH Make the Pony Stop Stabbing Me With Her Horn Now Please”
“…So the script you’re about to read is essentially Ulysses.”
“Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song, killing me softly. with. his. song.”
“No, Mister Frodo!” Sam gasped, recoiling in horror. He struggled to find the words to express his revulsion, but ultimately he merely vomited that morning’s bacon and potatoes in disgust.
Frodo withdrew, his pinions quivering with shame, and he turned and ran off into the mountains.
Sam rose, wiping his mouth and watched his former master go…
I didn’t understand Reggie when he told me how to make acid tabs, so I ended up just dumping it all on this printer paper. They’ll probably kill us, but it’ll be awesome.
On the part of the survey about sexual history, be really, really, honest. It will save us a lot on insurance and keep the herp from finding any new homes.
“…to ensure that none of us are suspected, we have to switch murders. So, because Mr. Lodge hates everyone else here, Midge, it’s going to have to be you who kills him. No one will ever suspect you of his murder. And Veronica will kill your parents in return.”
“Duh, I used to like group study back when each of us could have our own textbook…”
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